「 TO OWE BRAVERY 」

ALECTO CARROW'S CLASS. AS PER Seamus's request, Theo has arrived early. He stood outside the still empty classroom and waited for Seamus, wondering what he wanted.

Seamus duly arrived. His face split into a halfhearted grin as his eyes fell on Theo. The front of his white shirt had a splotch of pale violet and his attempt at hiding it with his robes was clear, though Theo suspected it must have shifted on his way here.

"What's that on your shirt?" said Theo as a way of greeting.

Seamus gave him a pointed look. "Good morning to you too, Theo. I accidentally spilt some potion while trying to feed it to a hysterical second-year boy." He entered the classroom and Theo followed.

"Why was he hysterical?"

Seamus remained silent as he chose a bench at the back of the class and sat. He dropped his bag on the desk with a thud, sighing heavily like an old man done with life. When Theo slid into the spot next to him, he drew a quill from his bag and started rapping the desk sharply with the point of the quill. Tiny dots bloomed on the rough wooden surface.

All signs of stress were visible in Seamus's features, Theo observed - droopy eyes lined with black circles, wrinkles, a sad frown pulling down the corners of his mouth. Theo wouldn't be surprised if his hair started turning grey. After several minutes of rhythmic tap tap sound, Seamus said, "He watched your fellow Slytherin Goyle break his friend's arm."

Theo stared, shocked. Goyle had been boasting about something in the common room last night though Theo hadn't bothered enough to find out what it was about. "He broke his arm? Is he okay? How did you fix him?"

"I didn't have to," answered Seamus. His voice sounded low and burdened. "Madam Pomfrey did. Snape gave her permission to do her job - I reckon he didn't want a little boy whining in pain all the time. The boy's fine, I think. She's an excellent matron. But his friend, this other boy - well, he was right there when Goyle had grabbed his arm and snapped it. He couldn't stop wailing. I had to give him a calming draught." He pulled at the stained portion of his shirt. "He kept kicking and thrashing so the potion poured right down my front."

Theo sat in silence for a minute. He wanted to reach out to Seamus and hold him, let him know that the pain he had to face and soothe every day would be over soon. Their Hogwarts days would end and then they could - what? Could he really be certain that all of these would be over? You-Know-Who would still continue to assert control over their lives, recruit more people into his ranks. How could he assure Seamus that he wouldn't be the next person to lose a loved one?

So he didn't say anything. Thankful for the empty classroom, they sat in each other's company, everything silent save for the sharp rapping of Seamus's quill.

The sound stopped suddenly. Seamus stirred like from a dream. He looked at Theo, blinking as if trying to wipe out images that kept flashing in front of his eyes. Theo knew the feeling.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have -" Seamus stopped, biting his lips. "I asked you to come here early because I wanted to talk to you about something."

Interest piqued, Theo turned to him eagerly. "Really? So you didn't bring me here to sit with me in silence? Because that felt nice."

Seamus smiled a lopsided smile. Theo couldn't help but stare. It felt good to make him smile. Most of the times he's seen Seamus laugh or smile, it had seemed halfhearted. It was only when he smiled like this - with genuine tenderness that pulled up one corner of his lips, which were pressed into a thin line as though he felt afraid to show happiness in such dire times - that Theo could see the real him. "It did feel nice, yes," Seamus said. "But there's something else too."

Theo nodded. "Go on."

Seamus cleared his throat. "I want you to know that I know what you're going through. I won't say I understand it, because I don't. But after weeks of helping people who have suffered at the hands of the Carrows, I've come to realise a few things. People love putting on a brave face. They don't want to dishearten those around them. They smile, but really, they are all dying on the inside."

He stopped to take a breath. Self-consciously, he pulled his robes close around him to hide the splotch of stain on his shirt. Theo waited patiently for him to continue.

"I know it's not easy for you to face the Carrows after what they have done to you. And I know that you're facing a lot more than you are letting on. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but know that I'll understand if you do decide to tell me. And know that it's okay to be scared. If you - if you feel scared to face the Carrows every day, it's okay. It's normal. You don't owe anyone to be brave."

Seamus drew a deep breath. "All I'm saying is that you don't have to be brave in front of me."

He folded his arms on the desk and rested his chin on them. Theo knew he was done and that he was waiting for him to speak.

He heard voices and footsteps outside. Students would be coming in soon.

"What about Neville?" he asked.

Seamus raised his head a little, frowning. "What about him?"

"How does he do it? How does he keep standing up against the Carrows even before his previous scars have managed to heal? How does he never break down?"

"Who says he doesn't?"

The question stunned Theo so much that he whipped his head around rapidly, cracking his neck in the process.

"Neville and I are the only boys left in our dormitory," Seamus started to explain. "It's the only safe space for him now. He can be whatever he wants to there. And not to brag, but I've really grown to be caring and empathetic in the past year." He laughed and so did Theo, acknowledging the truth of his words. "So no, Neville is not a superhuman who doesn't feel pain. He lets out his feelings at night in the dormitory, and I help him through it. We help each other. That's how we do it."

Theo nodded, realisation dawning upon him. Of course Neville wasn't the perfect human being everyone else dubbed him to be. He was just as vulnerable as the rest of them. He simply knew how to keep his emotions hidden until he was alone with his friend.

Seamus bumped him with his shoulder. "See, I'm not half as bad as a friend. You can rely on me."

The voices outside amplified and students started trickling into the classroom. Neville entered, casting a smile in Seamus's direction and taking a seat away from them. Daphne beamed at the sight of Theo and sat on the bench next to theirs. She started chatting with him, expressing no surprise at his decision to replace her as a sitting partner.

"I've been looking all over the castle for you, Theo. You could've told me you would be here."

"Don't exaggerate," he chided. "I bet you looked only in our common room."

As he talked to Daphne, his eyes kept sliding over to the doorway. Blaise arrived a few minutes later and their eyes locked. Theo wondered if he should smile at him but before he could come to a decision, Blaise looked away and sat at the furthest corner of the class, well away from Theo.

The chattering began to quieten, eventually halting to a dead silence as Alecto Carrow walked into the room. Theo's breath instantly hitched in his throat. It was all he could do not to reach up and touch the scar on his neck which, though barely visible, was rough enough to feel under his finger.

He twisted his fingers together, so tightly that he felt his knuckles crack. Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw Alecto moving around the classroom, sweeping her vicious eyes over the faces that peered from behind desks and piles of books. But Theo kept his gaze downcast, on his clenched fists.

There was a loud thud as Alecto banged her table with a book. Theo jumped and looked over. She leaned back against the board, her sharp claws caressing her wand gently. He wondered if her eyes have always glinted so cruelly or if he was just seeing things. She began to speak. "Today, I will hear from you," she drawled. "Tell me. Why do you think muggles should be executed?"

"But we don't think that." As always, all heads swirled around to the unfortunate soul who would be Alecto's next victim. It was Lavender Brown. A look of pure innocence and confusion was plastered over her face, as though she genuinely couldn't comprehend what her teacher meant by the question. Theo was awed by her acting skills.

Thus began an hour and a half of an excruciatingly slow lesson. Alecto urged them to tell her about how clueless and filthy and undeserving of life the muggles were. When somebody refused, they were met with spells and curses. For once, Neville was spared from much injury, particularly due to Malfoy's sidekicks, Crabbe and Goyle who for the first time, were enthused about their lessons.

They seemed to have done a lot of research on muggles. They gave all sorts of information and evidence that eventually boiled down to one conclusion - muggles deserved to die. Alecto completely forgot about the rest of the class as the two of them indulged her with hate speech.

Once or twice, Neville interrupted and was met with curses. Seamus, Theo noticed, held his tongue and did not try to argue with the Death Eater dressed in teacher's robes, though Theo also noticed, he was itching to do so. A wave of affection flooded through him - he could tell that Seamus did not want to draw Alecto's attention toward him.

Throughout the class, Theo's heart hammered in his chest. Alecto's voice, her sneers and laughter, each jerk of movement she made reminded him of the night he had been hurt in their office. He tried hard to remain composed but he couldn't keep himself from wincing every now and then. When she loomed down on Neville and threatened to do away with his grandmother, Theo felt a tremble jolt through him. He hunched forward in his seat. The air in the room suddenly felt too thick, too insufficient. He closed his eyes, breathing in great gulps of air as a tightness grew in his chest.

Something warm pressed his hand, startling him. It was Seamus's hand. Seamus looped his wrist between his fingers, squeezing reassuringly. Theo realised how knotted his own fingers were, how firmly he had intertwined them that it hurt, that it looked like they would never separate. "It's okay," Seamus whispered while Alecto continued shouting at Neville. "I'm here. You'll be okay. You're okay."

Alecto's voice rang in his ears, threatening to overpower him. But Seamus continued whispering to him and Theo let his words wash over him until Alecto's voice dispersed and he could hear her no more.

He slowly untangled his fist and Seamus slipped his own fingers between them. Theo's heart kept thudding in his chest, but he was able to breathe now and he looked at Seamus to give him a smile. It was probably not very convincing, but Seamus smiled back, pressing his hand gently.

Their hands lay between them for the rest of the class and Seamus didn't let go until, mercifully, it was over and Alecto was gone.

Daphne hurried over to him looking concerned and bombarded him with a string of questions. She had noticed him acting strangely but hadn't been able to talk to him without drawing Alecto's attention. Theo answered her questions patiently as Seamus gave him a bottle of water to drink. He accepted graciously.

Theo walked out of the classroom with Seamus, glancing over at the spot where Blaise had been sitting. He wasn't there, nor anywhere near the classroom. Hiding an odd sense of disappointment, he turned his attention to Seamus, feeling suddenly embarrassed.

"Tomorrow is Hogsmeade weekend," said Seamus. "Isn't it?"

Theo frowned. He had forgotten there was such things as Hogsmeade or weekend. "I think so. Why?"

"Do you want to go with me?"

Theo opened his mouth, then closed it again. "What about your friends?"

Seamus laughed. "You are my friend, Theo."

It sounded so intimate that Theo blushed and began to sputter. "Well, Neville - he would -"

"He can go with Ginny," Seamus said with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Or do you want to hang out with me only when you are grievously injured?" he asked in a startlingly accurate impression of Theo's voice and accent.

Theo pretended to be offended. "Fine. I'll go with you."

"Great. I'll meet you after breakfast tomorrow."

That night, Theo was on his bed staring at the ceiling when Blaise entered the dorm. He sat, peering at Blaise as he took off his robes and flopped down on the bed. He considered for a moment, then asked, "Are you going to Hogsmeade tomorrow?"

Blaise raised himself on his elbows, a look of surprise crossing his otherwise unreadable face. "No," he answered simply.

"You should. We don't know when they might forbid it." As soon as he said it, Theo blushed. Wasn't he the one who had made Blaise leave him alone? Blaise had been true to his words but he was now going out of his way to talk to him.

Blaise regarded him for a minute, unblinking. "You're going with Finnigan. Who will I go with?"

"How do you know I'm going with him?" he asked. But Blaise's question had embarrassed him. Really, who else did Blaise hang out with other than him? He had been staying by himself ever since returning from Christmas break while Theo had had more than a few people to be with. A part of him sympathised with Blaise but he quickly shut that part down.

Blaise shrugged in response and lay down again. "You'd never seemed so excited to go to Hogsmeade before."

Theo opened his mouth to say something but quickly clamped it shut. Why was he trying to make conversation with him? He was supposed to be angry with him. He was angry with him. And yet, he couldn't help the wrenching feeling in his gut every time he thought of Blaise. No, it wasn't the feeling of betrayal. That had extinguished into a dull ache. This was something different. This made him ask himself all sorts of questions that he didn't want the answers to. Did Blaise regret his actions? Did he miss being with Theo as much as Theo missed him? Or did it not matter to him whether Theo was in his life or not?

Theo decided these questions belonged in the trash, so that's where he sent them. To repress the urge to make conversation with Blaise, he gathered his pillow and blanket and went to the common room, not looking around to check whether Blaise followed him with his eyes.

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i couldn't update the last two days because i was busy watching the haunting of bly manor