Contest entry for Illness

It's not just a feeling of unease.

It's like you're a rat, imprisoned by a snake.

Everday, you feel it slither and circle you; tighten its grip around you and almost suffocate you. The words that cry out for help knit together in your throat, refusing to touch your tongue and release freely through your lips. And, when they finally do come out, you regret choosing them.

The hissing haunts you on a daily basis, leaving behind a burning sensation in your mind. It's this empty feeling that you forcefully feed with unhealthy thoughts to try and make yourself feel a little more full and a little less anxious.

You don't overthink because you want to; the hissing chases your thoughts in the different directions of your mind not sparing you a breath as they clash amongst each other, bickering harshly amongst each other.

And what's worse is that your own mind spoils you on the fact that it is rotten; telling you constantly how everything is not fine no matter how light the situation may be and no matter how many times people will tell you that it is fine. Sometimes, that voice echoes all your flaws as a way to ridicule you.

You're left to spend sleepless nights trying to calm yourself down, tossing and turning. Physically you're tired but, your mental state of mind is constantly wide awake making safety precautions for the next month or so.

People tell you that it's all just in your mind. That you'll get over it soon. But, they wouldn't know. They wouldn't understand what it feels like to have something chew at your stomach for hours on end. They wouldn't know what it's like to feel detached to your own body. They wouldn't understand because they wouldn't try to understand. 

Oh, how much she wanted to tell someone how she felt and get them to understand her too. She wanted to feel like she belonged amongst the group of students in her class. They all seemed to always have something to constantly talk and laugh about. But, she never had the courage to join in with their banter.

She wasn't shy.

No, that wasn't it. She didn't just feel nervous. She was petrified of what they would say back and what they would think of her; she assumed that they might just ignore her as well or feel uncomfortable in the presence of her words.

Her mother belittled her for being too shy and her teacher pestered her to speak more during class. They didn't understand what it felt like standing in front of many people - or even just one stranger and not knowing what to do as the fear slowly paralysed her. She couldn't help it when her throat closed up to stop her words from leaving as she stared at the faces of her classmates, impatiently waiting for her to speak. She couldn't help the panic that was seething through her veins as her body failed to give her enough energy to breathe.

What she felt was more than unease.

What she had was an Anxiety disorder. 

And what she was experiencing now, was a panic attack.

That day, her classmates learned to never go near or touch a person experiencing a panic attack. They didn't understand why she had one and nor did the teacher who had forced her to present in front of her class.

To them, she felt stressed but, to her, she felt like she was going to die.

That is anxiety. It all starts in your mind but it spreads around your body and can affect not only you but, the people around you. 

She hadn't told any of her classmates that she had anxiety, they continued to think that she was shy and she was okay with that. She didn't want them to know that she had anxiety because she was ashamed. She was ashamed that they would laugh at her and tell her that it was all just in her head just like her mother had done, but when the panic attacks increased, they realised that she was more than just shy. Their own little imaginations began to assume things until she finally confessed.

"I-uh, I have an um... Anxiety disorder," she spoke, her voice low enough to be labeled a whisper. Her eyes had been numbed at staring down at the floor beneath her as she fiddled with her fingers.

"So, you're just uneasy all the time?" One of the few people she had confessed about herself to speaks up ignorantly. Her lip had gotten caught between her teeth as she refused to look up at her and correct her. She was ashamed and that acidic feeling was returning to her stomach.

"No." Another one of the few spoke up, their voice sounding serious. She didn't dare look up at the owner of the voice; it wasn't like they would understand, right? "What Diana feels is more than unease."

"Don't you know, Lyra? Diana's Anxiety Disorder causes her panic attacks. It's the reason why she has social phobia," another voice adds to the conversation before turning his attention to Diana, "You don't have to be afraid, we understand. And, if we don't you can always help us understand."

And for the first time after confessing, Diana looked up to meet the eyes of her friends, the one who had spoken ignorantly before apologising as the acidic feeling dissolved in her stomach leaving her, for once, at ease.