Tour Bus, Santa Barbara to Hollywood

We stand in the early morning sunshine outside the Pepper Tree Inn, waiting to board the bus. I close my eyes, exhausted, having hardly slept last night, and the sun on my eyelids relieves me slightly. I delay opening them for as long as possible, because when I do I know I will have to deal with what's going on around me. Well there's actually nothing going on around me but that is the exact problem, because no one is daring to speak, and even if I did have it in me to start the conversation, which one of them would I deal with first?

But why should it be me who makes the first move? I should be livid with them all. I am livid with them all, and nervous and sad and above all relieved that it will all be over soon and I'll never have to see these people again, especially the ones that had meant the most to me. Which I thought had meant the most to me. The sting still cuts in to me each time I think of Louis's cruel words, and also his arrogance, that he thinks he can just change his mind like the passing wind and I'll come running back to him, but worst of all that they'd set this up between them to keep me quiet, only it back fired on Louis, didn't it, because it never crossed his mind that someone else might like me too. I guess that's something at least.

'Okay, let's go?' Leah orders us on to the bus just in time to stop me crying again as I re-hash it all, and I'm thankful that everyone is just as eager to take their seats and avoid each other as I am. Except I can't avoid Duncan, we sit together remember, but honestly what the hell am I going to say to him? Ideally nothing and I still can't believe that he would betray me like this, but his only saving grace is the fact that Louis and Harry gave me their ultimatums immediately after his confession, thus diverting at least part of my grief.

'What I still don't understand is why you would tell Louis?' I find myself confronting him as soon as the coach hits time freeway, and I'm confident that the noise of the engine will drown out our conversation to the others. As much as I want to never speak to him again, he does at least owe me a bit more of an explanation.

'I told you, I was jealous. I still am...' His voice is whispering and trembling, and I almost feel sorry for him, because the truth is he is right, he can never compete with the likes of Harry and Louis, despite how nice he might actually be. Because the geek never gets the girl, and as much as I loathe the be one of those girls, I'm afraid my story isn't going to be any different, regardless of how badly the other boys might have treated me.

'I know I don't deserve it, it but please can I ask one thing from you?' His voice is pleading.

'Erm, maybe?'

'Please don't tell Ana what happened; that it was me. She's a lovely girl, and despite everything I really do like her. Truly.'

I look over at her sleeping, my undisputed best friend of the trip, and although Duncan doesn't deserve my kindness right now, it would be wretched for me to ruin Ana's memory of her adventure. For when she goes back to Sao Paolo and he to Melbourne, then that's all it will be for her too; a memory of a great vacation and a budding holiday romance.

'Okay.' I agree to his request. 'On one condition.'

'Of course.'

'I don't want you to mention what happened to anyone, ever again.' As much as it still disgusts me that he was there all along, I want to bury the fact as dead, to at least deny to myself that what I had with Harry was a moment shared just between the two of us.

'Agreed.' He mutters. 'And thank you.'

'Okay, we're nearly there.' Leah announces and I realise that we are now fully immersed back in the city, the omnipresent circular ringed structure of the Capitol Records tower, an icon of the Los Angeles city scape, now towering over us like a spaceship about to take flight.

'So here we are. Guys, can you believe this is the end?' She faux sobs in to the microphone and I realise that either she actually doesn't give a hoot about any of us or this his just her way of dealing with it, the conveyer belt of people who pass through her hands on a less than monthly cycle. She has probably learned not to get emotionally attached. Unlike the rest of us.

I stand on the tarmac of this car park located somewhere in Hollywood, and watch as everyone sobs and hugs their way through their goodbyes, and I can feel my throat thickening too, but I can't let it happen, for if it does then I don't know when it will end. I never dreamed that this would happen, after I fought it so long, loathed and scolded everyone, I'm shocked that I'm suddenly feeling so sentimental. For the loss of Ana at least.

'I'll see you when we get back home.' Lottie throws her arms around me. 'We have to catch up before Uni starts.'

I catch Louis waiting as we continue our embrace, and I'm not sure if he's just eager to get moving or if he's still awaiting an answer from me? Unsure of what to do I just shake my head at him, hoping that my blank eyes will give him the answer, that my feelings for him have died, and likely had long before I came here. As he shrugs his shoulders as if defeated, he grabs at Lottie's bag, before turning to walk off with her, his arm around her shoulder.

The crowd is dissipating and it's like a final movie scene panning away around me, the irony of it being that we are in Hollywood after all.

'So I guess I'll see you around?' Harry is still waiting. Of course he is still waiting. I would be heartbroken if he wasn't but still I don't know how to react to him after what I found out last night.

'I meant it, what I said last night.' He whispers. 'I think I'm in love with you Niamh. I have been since you walked in to the airport with that stupid bag and blew me away.'

I feel my cheeks flame at is words, they're everything I could wish for, but the stubborn part of me just can't give in like that. I'm too confused by everything that's gone on these past few days to even begin to know how to respond right now.

'So, you're going to Santa Monica, right?' He croaks realizing that I'm not going to give him an answer.

'Yeah, I need a day to recover before the flight home.'

'Of course you do.' He smiles at me gently. 'Well you enjoy the silence.'

'I will.' I whisper before saying goodbye.

Authors note: I'm sure most people will recognise the song I uploaded for this chapter, Good Riddance, by Green Day, and also that no explanation is needed for its selection here.