#LGS1SaveFromPain #LGS1Chapter37 #LaGrilla1 #LaGrilla

***
Warning: 🚫
Depictions of trauma and intrusive thoughts

UMIIYAK na tumayo si Leo mula sa pagkakaupo sa tabi ng pinto ng office room. Tapos na ang pagbabalik-tanaw niya, pero umulit na naman ang mga alaala sa pagtakbo sa kaniyang isip! He just could not think straight anymore!

Pinaliguan niya ang sarili. Pakiramdam niya kasi, nakadikit pa rin si Melissa sa katawan niya. Kinuskos niya nang kinuskos ang balat hanggang sa mamula ito.

'Putangina mo, Melissa. Tangina mo!'

He continued scrubbing himself, especially around the waist, until it hurts his skin and left it reddish. His crying was drowned by the falling water from the shower head.

Sunod na kinusot ni Leo ang buhok niya. Then, Ava's face flashed in his mind.

He recalled how he became her best friend.

But starting tonight, not anymore.

Dumating na ang araw na kinatatakutan niya—ang malaman nito ang katotohanan.

Oo, natalo nila ni Jamer si Melissa noon. Melissa forced him to marry Ava, but they outsmarted her. Since Jamer and Ava reunited, Leo should have told her the truth already, but no. He decided to keep his past with Melissa a secret from Ava in order to keep their friendship! He had been quite selfish for that and robbed the truth from Ava, so he deserved her wrath after its revelation. But even if he knew he deserved this, it still hurt . . . It still hurt to lose a friend!

Nasabunutan ni Leo ang sarili habang patuloy na umaagos ang luha mula sa mga mata niya. Napaupo siya sa sahig at napayakap sa sarili katulad ng pagyakap niya sa kaniyang katawan noong nahuli siyang nakahubad ng asawa ni Melissa.

Patuloy ang pagbagsak ng tubig mula sa shower head sa kaniyang katawan pero tila hindi man lang nito mahugasan ang mga dumi sa kaniyang katawan na mula sa kahihiyan na kaniyang nararamdaman.

Kahit si Imee ay hindi na niya yata kayang harapin dahil alam na nito ang nakahihiya niyang nakaraan.

Wala na siyang mukhang maihaharap.

Mula sa gabing ito, alam na ni Imee na hindi talaga siya mapagkakatiwalaan. Sinira niya ang pamilya ng kaibigan niyang si Ava. And he continued to do so for three years because he was a weak, stupid, coward!

Wala na siyang mukhang maihaharap . . .

Nakita na niya ang dismaya at awa para sa kaniya sa mga mata ni Imee, sa paraan ng pagkausap nito sa kaniya.

It could have felt different if he saw acceptance and understanding in her eyes. But no!

Wala na siyang mukhang maihaharap . . .

At bakit pa niya haharapin si Imee?

Sumuko na siya, 'di ba?

Ayaw na niyang makasama si Imee! Mas gusto na niyang mapag-isa at solohin ang lahat ng sakit na kaniyang dinadala!

***
Warning: 🚫
Depictions of trauma and intrusive thoughts

THE next day, Leo's grief and self-pitying was replaced by rage. He had been going through a roller coaster of emotions since last night, ever since he began recounting all the traumatic experiences he went through.

His bedroom stopped being a safe place after he recalled that he was abused countless of times on that thing—on a bed. So, he cooped himself in the office room.

At this moment, Leo was sitting on the floor, reading from one of the folders that scattered on the floor with his back rested against the side of the sofa. He was in the middle of his attempt to go back to normal, to distraxt himself with his work as a lawyer by studying his client's documents.

The office room's door slowly opened. Sumilip mula sa likod ng pinto si Yaya Lumeng.

"Sir, nagluto po ako ng hapunan. Tara, kain na po tayo."

"Ayoko," malamig na tugon ni Leo kay Yaya Lumeng.

Pag-aalala ang gumuhit sa mukha ng matandang katulong. "Sir Leo, gabi na. Hindi ka man lang nag-almusal at nagtanghalian kanina. Pati ba naman hapunan, hindi ka kakain?"

"Wala kang pakialam!" sigaw niya kay Yaya Lumeng. "Wala kang naiintindihan kaya wala kang pakialam! Umalis ka na!"

Napaatras ang matanda, mababaw lang ang luha nito kaya naman naiiyak itong lumabas ng office room ni Leo.

'Iyon lang naman ang kailangan ko, e. Pang-unawa. Hindi n'yo man lang naintindihan na nasaktan din ako. Inabuso rin ako! Wala talagang hustisya! Wala!'

Hinagis niya ang hawak na folder sa pader at sumambulat ang ilang pahina ng papel mula rito. Sana si Melissa ang folder na iyon na puwede na lang ibato. Kung masamang tao lang siya ay baka napatay na talaga niya ito. This was definitely wrong but when blinded by rage, he would really appreciate seeing her bleed to death.

Then Leo curled himself on the floor, lying on some of the folders that scattered on it. Tears rolled down his cheeks. Ilang beses na naman siyang napamura. He rubbed his whole body as if he was keeping Melissa's hands from running there all over it again.

"Tama na!" he growled, shutting his eyes firmly. "Graduate na ako! Fuck it! Tapos na ang lahat!" Hinigpitan niya ang pagkakayakap sa sarili. "Fuck you! Wala na ang sex video! Hindi mo na ako matatakot!"

He let out a loud scream, followed by his broken cries. "Why me? Why me?"

Takot na napapitlag siya nang marinig ang pagbukas uli ng pinto.

The day that John barged in, caught him with Melissa, and was about to attack him replayed in his mind only.

But that flashback felt so alive this night.

It was as if it was happening before his very eyes, all over again!

Leo trembled and shuddered as he covered himself with his arms, as he curled into a ball to shell himself.

He gasped sharply when a pair of hands grabbed him. Nakipagmatigasan siya sa puwersang nagpupumilit na paupuin siya.

At first, he could hear John's voice, yelling at Melissa, then spiting him. It took a while before it cleared and made way for a familiar voice to reach him.

The familiar voice managed to make a crack in the darkness and stream through to touch him with its warm concern.

"Nardo! Hoy, Nardo!"

He shuddered, teary eyed as he raised his head and met the man's worried gaze. "J-Jamer!"

***

MINUTES later after Jamer showed up in the office room, Leo was finally covered in a thick, brown duvet and sitting sideways with both feet up on the sofa.

He was holding a mug of warm water on top of his duvet-covered knees, which helped him calm down. Close to his feet, at the far end of the sofa, Jamer sat with his own mug of coffee.

"I'm sorry you have to see that," Leo said lifelessly, masking, breaking the deafening silence between them.

"Don't apologize." Jamer sipped a little from his mug. Deretsong nakatingin ang lalaki sa harapan nito, sa bandang kanan ni Leo. He seemed pensive, weighing the words he was going to say. Leo could not help feeling like an inconvenience. He felt like a ticking time bomb already, where people become cautious when around him in fear that he might explode and cause damage to them both.

"I found out what happened last night. From Ava," Jamer said carefully, still looking away from him. "H'wag kang mag-alala dahil hindi kami pareho ng reaksiyon, lalo na at matagal mo nang inamin sa 'kin kung ano ang ginawa sa 'yo ni Melissa, kahit naka-summarize lang. But that doesn't make Ava's reaction any lesser than mine. After all, she's more impacted by your past because it involves her friendship with you. It involves you and her own parents . . . Her mother to be precise."

Leo lowered his eyes to his mug. "At naparito ka dahil?"

"Dahil si Ava lang ang tumaboy sa 'yo, pero pati si Imee, dinamay mo. Itinaboy mo raw siya."

He shrugged.

"Galit ka ba sa kan'ya dahil s'ya ang pumilit sa 'yo na aminin ang tungkol sa nakaraan mo? Dahil s'ya ang dahilan kaya nalaman ni Ava ang lahat?"

"I was," he answered weakly, yet quick and with zero hesitation. "Bakit parang sa tono ng pananalita mo, e, parang si Imee ang nagpapatanong niyan sa 'yo?"

Pasimple siyang pinanliitan ng mga mata ni Jamer. "Bakit nagtatanong ka na? E, 'di pa 'ko tapos sa pagtatanong dito?" Nanatili siyang tahimik at nakatulala kaya nagpatuloy ang lalaki. "So, if you're not angry at Imee anymore, then why are you not answering her calls?"

"Not just her calls but everyone's. I haven't touched my cell phone since last night."

"Hmm." Jamer nodded, sipped a little coffe, and continued, "Once you're ready, si Imee ang una mong kontakin. Okay? Meet up with her. Talk things over."

"What for? Are you expecting me to ask her to take me back? Lalo na ngayon na alam na n'ya ang lahat-lahat?"

"Why not? Isn't that why you made her your girlfriend in the first place? Isn't that why you looked for her for two years? Because deep inside, you are hoping that once you're ready to tell her about your past, she'll be the one to hear you and understand you and accept you in spite of it all?"

Hindi siya nakaimik.

"Let me guess. This is just the same with your case with Ava. When you noticed that you're both okay even if you don't share your past and confess about your trauma, you decided to just keep it to yourself because you don't want to ruin how great things are going for the two of you."

"Mali ba kung iyon nga ang dahilan kaya kahit handa na akong sabihin ay hindi ko ginawa?"

"Para sa 'kin, tama ang ginawa mo. Because it only means you want to focus in the present. Because you don't want your past to hurt Ava and Imee. Pero mali rin, dahil wala silang kamuwang-muwang. Parang patuloy mo lang silang niloloko. Lalo na si Imee."

Leo gently closed his eyes when Jamer turned to him.

"I know, Imee is wrong for forcing you to tell her about your past with Melissa. Pero hindi rin ba unfair para kan'ya na itaboy mo s'ya dahil sa ginawa n'ya? Dahil una sa lahat, hindi naman siya aware tungkol sa trauma mo. She's not aware of the gravity of the secret that you're keeping. All she thought is that, you must be not telling it as a form of alibi, not because you're not ready. How will she even know what kind of conversations are you comfortable with if you won't open up a little bit about it?"

Leo took in a deep breath, internalizing everything that Jamer was saying.

"Oo, may responsabilidad kami na tratuhin nang tama ang mga tao na may pinagdadaanan, katulad mo. Pero hindi ba, may responsabilidad ka rin na ipaalam sa amin kung paano ka tatratuhin o kakausapin?" patuloy nito habang nag-aabang pa rin ang mga mata sa kaniyang isasagot. "You can't always use your trauma as an excuse to push people away. You have to also help yourself, Leo, if you want other people to help you, to hear you. You have to give us the permission to help you. Don't be afraid of being judged for what you have gone through. Don't let that silence your voice. If you'll fall silent forever, in fear of what others will think or say, how can you find someone who will listen to the full details of your side of the story?"

"How I wish it's that easy to just speak up and be unafraid."

Tila napahiya na nagbaba ng tingin si Jamer. It took him a minute before he had the courage to say, "I'm sorry, Leo. I don't mean to be insensitive. I am just trying to encourage you. You know that I mean well. Sorry if I just can't say it right."

"I understand," he sighed. "But look, even if Imee is willing to listen now, I can't be with her anymore, Jamer," aniya, halos maglaho ang kaniyang boses sa sobrang hina, sa sobrang kawalan ng pag-asa. With closed eyes, Leo slowly lifted his mug to his lips. "Wala na akong mukhang maihaharap sa kan'ya."

***

Warning: 🚫

Depictions of trauma ans intrusive thoughts

TWO days was already a long wait for Imee. Iyong klase ng pagtatalo na nangyari kasi, dapat ay hindi na ipinagpabukas pa, kaya lang, hindi niya nahabol agad si Leo dahil naging emosyonal siya. She took the time to feel her feelings and cried the whole night through.

She lost hope for them to reunite since it was Leo himself who officially ended everything between them. But, when Jamer accompanied Imee to the townhouse the next day after the revelation of Leo's past, she slowly got her courage back.

Alas-siyete na ng gabi nang nakarating sila sa Maynila. Naiwan muna si Imee sa kotse habang si Jamer ay pumasok sa bahay at kinumusta si Leo.

Matagal din bago bumalik si Jamer sa kotse. Ayon dito, hindi raw galit sa kaniya si Leo. Sapat nang dahilan iyon para bumaba siya mula sa kotse upang magpaiwan sa townhouse.

As soon as Jamer's car left, Imee used the doorbell. Pinagbuksan siya ng pinto ni Yaya Lumeng.

Binalaan na si Imee ni Yaya Lumeng na wala sa kondisyon makipag-usap si Leo pero pinilit pa rin niyang puntahan ito sa silid nito. Nilagpasan niya sa pinto ang katulong at inakyat ang hagdan.

Nadatnan ni Imee ang binata sa office room nito. It seemed like he was using it as his bedroom for weeks, because his pillows and duvet were on the sofa where he sat with his feet up.

He was covered with a thick duvet from the waist down. His body was closed in, as if he was shivering while staring into nothing in front of him.

Imee gently pushed the door open.

Creeeek.

Dahil sa ingay ng pinto, alerto itong lumingon. Binalot ng gulat ang buong katawan ni Imee dahil babatuhin siya nito ng unan. Nanginig ito at itinaas ang kamay na para bang gustong protektahan ang sarili mula sa aatake rito.

Mambabato na sana ito ng unan pero bigla itong natigilan nang makilala siya, hanggang sa halos walang-kagalaw-galaw na ito habang hawak ang unan sa ere. Ilang segundo pa at tila nahimasmasan na ito. Dahan-dahang ibinaba ng lalaki ang kamay na may hawak na unan.

"Don't . . . Don't look at me, Imee," anito sa walang-buhay na boses sabay balik ng tingin sa harap.

"Leo." Nanghihinang napatitig si Imee sa lalaki. Maputla na kasi ang balat nito at magulo ang dilaw na buhok. "H'wag ka namang maging ganyan, Leo."

"Hindi na 'ko galit sa 'yo. Pinaliwanagan na rin ako ni Jamer. Pero umalis ka na at h'wag na h'wag ka nang magpapakita uli. Wala akong mukhang maihaharap sa 'yo, Imee, kaya umuwi ka na."

Hindi napigilan ni Imee ang pangingilid ng mga luha. "Leo naman, e. Huwag mo 'kong itaboy uli, kasi gusto kong bigyan tayo ng isa pang pagkakataon."

He sounded unconvinced. "You want me?"

Imee nodded her head and opened the door wider. "Can I come in? Because I want you."

Without looking at her, Leo stretched out a hand, signalling her to stop. "D'yan ka lang. Please. Marumi akong tao."

Pinatatag ni Imee ang sarili. "H'wag mong sabihin 'yan, Leo."

"Bakit hindi? E, 'yon naman talaga ang dahilan kaya ayaw mo na sa 'kin, 'di ba?" iyak nito na tila aping-api habang yakap ang sarili. "Dahil marumi akong tao!"

Imee bit her lower lip and shook her head, but she could not stop her tears from falling. Hindi lang siya nalungkot dahil sa hitsura ni Leo, para din siyang sinasaksak ng walang-kapantay na sakit sa dibdib.

Kasalanan niya ito! Hindi man lang siya nagbigay ng kahit kaunting konsiderasyon para dito. Jamer made it clear to her, after his visit with Leo, that there was no one to blame here but Melissa, and yet, she felt so guilty for reopening Leo's wounds! She felt responsible for the humiliation he was feeling for having his secrets exposed when he wasn't even ready to talk about them yet!

Kaya heto siya at lagpas sa langit ang pagsisisi!

"Hindi ba, Imee?" nagdaramdam na usig nito. "Kaya kahit ano'ng gawin ko, ayaw mo na makipagbalikan! Kasi marumi ako, Imee! Marumi akong tao! Makapal ang mukha ko! Malaki akong tanga! Mukha akong pera!"

"Stop it! Hindi ka ganyan!" emosyonal niyang sagot dito. "Nagalit lang ako dahil akala ko, niloko mo 'ko! Nagalit lang ako dahil akala ko, sinamantala ni Ava ang pangangailangan mo ng pera! Nagalit lang ako dahil hindi makatarungan ang mga nangyayari sa 'kin! Naging mabuti akong kaibigan! Mabuting nobya! Pero bakit gan'to? Bakit parang walang—"

"—hustisya?" mahinang dugtong ni Leo na gumimbal at nagpatahimik sa kaniya.

"Hindi . . . Hindi . . ." nanghihinang saad niya, hindi makatingin nang deretso dahil nagninilay-nilay. "Sa kabila ng lahat, naniniwala akong may hustisya pa rin sa mundon'ng 'to."

Walang-buhay itong tumitig sa kaniya. "Pero iyon ang nararamdaman mo. Na walang hustisya."

"At hindi por que iyon ang nararamdaman ko ay iyon na ang katotohanan . . ." Her eyes widened at the sudden enlightenment. Nabubuhayan ng loob na napatingin siya sa binata. "Katulad mo, hindi por que pakiramdam mo ay marumi kang tao ay gan'on ka na, Leo!"

His fiery rebellion returned in his eyes, in the way his facial expression twisted. "You're just saying that I'm not because you're feeling guilty and you want to make it up to me with white lies! You're just saying that because you pity me!" He pointed to himself. "Gan'to ako! Gan'to ako, Imee! Hindi mo ako maipagmamalaki sa mga magulang mo, sa mga kaibigan mo, o sa mga magiging anak natin! Kaya bago mo pagsisihan, lumayo ka na sa 'kin! Find a man you'll be proud of because you . . ." his breathing ragged as his eyes softened and rimmed with tears while staring at her. Painfully. Longingly. Lovingly. ". . . you deserve that."

"But, Leo, I have come here . . . for you! Ikaw ang ipinunta ko rito dahil mahal—" Humakbang siya palapit sa lalaki pero naunahan na siya nito.

He grabbed her arms tightly.

"Bitiwan mo 'ko!" daing niya dahil sa higpit ng pagkakahawak nito sa mga braso niya habang hinihila siya palabas ng pinto. "Nasasaktan ako, Leo!"

He stopped dragging her and took a pause to stare into her eyes. Her heart cracked as she saw the sadness and pain that his eyes mirrored back to her.

"Yeah," he murmured. "Nasasaktan ka na. At masasaktan ka lang sa 'kin."

He gave her a strong tug that almost made her trip. Then, he pushed her out of the door.

"I'm sorry. I'm just doing this to save you from the pain . . . fromme," panginginig ng boses ni Leo bago nito isinara ang pinto.

***

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La Grilla Series #1
Copyright Registered: 2024
R-18, General Fiction, Sexy Romance, Drama

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