Reminders:

↝ This is unedited so please excuse the errors that you will definitely meet as you read.

↝ Lahat ng mababasa mo dito ay opinyon ko lamang patungkol sa gawa mo. They are subjective but there are also parts na objective.

↝ Make sure to do all of the payments for this. I trust you.

↝ Feel free to correct me if I have said something wrong.

╔═══════════════════════╗

Love Me while I Can
written by akemilkyplumberry

Genre: Fan Fiction / Romance
Language: English

╚═══════════════════════╝

i. Book Cover

Napaka-aesthetic ng cover mo. It's cute and brings light feeling just like the story. The color combination is good though medyo disturbing lang yung blue na color ng text. I suggest na i-white nalang. Mas magiging pleasing sa eyes. Kahit one color lang at wala ng stroke. Overall, it suits the story. Very lovely. Magaganda yung mga elements na nakalagay.

Ps: Nagchange ka pala ng cover. Maganda din ang current cover mo. Masyado lang madaming elements na nakalagay. Medyo nakakahilo.

ii. Story Title

The title is not that unique. Typical title lang siya pero yung emotion o feelings na dinadala niya, napakalakas. Alam mo yung title palang nakakabigat na ng loob. Nakakalungkot kasi parang namamaalam na ewan hahaha!

Kahit na typical title ito, nakakahatak parin ito ng atensyon. 'Cause believe it or not, pumupunta pa rin ang mga readers sa mga gawa na may typical na title. Pupuntahan at pupuntahan yan ng mga readers lalo na kung medyo may pagkakahawig yung gawa mo sa isang kilalang author. Maraming readers kasi ang hindi nagta-try ng something new at nagsti-stick lang sa gusto nila.

By the way, ang ganda ng mga words na ginamit mo. Great job!

iii. Story Description

Very simple description pero napakalaman. Naipakilala na agad yung mga characters, even the conflict. Yung relationship ng character ay nakalagay na din. Hindi lang niya masyadong nasuportahan yung title. Kulang sa emosyon yung description mo. Kulang sa spice ganon.

Mayroon din akong concern. Alam ko naman na fanfiction ito pero I think na mas maganda kung mayroong pangalan yung bidang babae. Nakakasira kasi sa pagbabasa yung 'y/n.' Hindi ko alam kung ganiyan ba talaga lahat ng fanfiction. Hindi naman kasi ako nagbabasa ng ganitong genre. Pwede mo namang sabihin na this girl or character is you or the reader. Wala, suggest ko lang.

Nagchange ka pala ng description. Shorter version siya. Ganon pa rin naman.

iv. Prologue

I assume yung unang part ay yung prologue mo or simula. Actually, hindi talaga siya prologue. A prologue kasi is a scene na nangyari before the very start of the story (flashback). Pwede din yung exciting part ng kwento. Parang patikim ba. Yung sayo naman is parang poem (?). Thoughts nung bidang babae at pwede na din naman 'yon.

That start of yours is full of emotion. Nandoon yung hinahanap ko sa description. It appeals sa emotion ng mga readers. Palawakin lang natin yung vocabulary natin. Mayroon kasing mga paulit-ulit na words. Nakakasira sila sa flow. Also, don't forget the punctuation marks sa kada-end ng sentence.

I can't even tell him my secret.
I'm afraid he'll turn his back on me.

I want to stay longer in this world, in his side.
I want to love him while I can.

v. Characterization

Your characters are kawaii (lmao). They are very anime-y, no questions ask. But we have a big problem with them.

First, less information about the characters. Kulang yung impormasyon. Wala yung get-to-know-each-other between the character and the reader. You have to reveal more. Hindi pwedeng yung fact lang na may sakit yung bida. Dapat pati yung mga maliliit na detalye. Incorporate it with action.

Second, masyadong mabilis ang mga kaganapan. She saved him tapos inlove na agad. I understand na maybe love at first sight pero hindi ko feel na ganoon nga ang nangyari. I love how the characters met. Sobrang kakaiba. I-enhance lang natin yung part na'yon.

And you've said that both of them holds a title in their school. You have to show. 'Goddess' yung babae so ipakita natin. Pinatitinginan ng mga lalaki, bulong-bulungan. Tsaka kung parehas silang popular sa school, hindi ba dapat pamilyar na sila sa isa't isa? Siguro naman kahit isang beses lang nakita na nila yung isa't isa. You get my point in here? Build the connection between the characters. Wala kasing sparks. Ang bilis masyado.

Meron din yung part na akala ko they don't know each other tapos bigla ang sabi nung babae gusto daw nung lalaki yung volleyball. Magkakilala ba talaga sila o hindi? Bigyan natin ng linaw yun.

Take everything slow. Huwag madaliin ang feelings ng mga characters. Even the scenes, huwag madaliin. If you have to explain, then explain. Kailangan bawat scenario ay may nalalaman kaming bago sa character.

Third, take time in introducing the other characters. So sino yung may silver, orange and blonde na buhok? Hindi sila naipakilala nang maayos. One time, ang tawag mo sa kanila is by hair color. Then, next chapter by name na. Yung mga tauhan na nasa kwento lang yung nakakakilala kung sino-sino sila. Kailangan kilala din naming readers.

"Hey pretty!" (Name) said. He is the one with the stunning orange hair.

The guy with the silver hair, whose name is ---, tap my shoulder.

(Name) messed his blonde hair before throwing himself on the bench.

Kailangan maitatak sa mind ng mga nagbabasa kung sino yung mga 'yan. Yung tipong, 'Ah si ano 'to! Yung blonde!'

Other than those, consistent naman sila. You just have to open up more. Hindi ko feel masyado yung mga characters. Let's work even harder, okay? Kaya natin to! Hahaha!

vi. Writing Style

→ Dialogues and Narration

Ayos naman ang dialogues natin. The characters really sound like Japanese. Problems lang when it comes sa dialogue tag.

- Dialogue Tag
Kapag yung isang dialogue ay sinusundan ng phrase na nagpapakilala kung sino yung nagsalita, parte parin ito ng dialogue. Here are the basic rules:

"Dialogue," tag.
"Go away, Anna," she said.

Instead of period (.), use comma (,) then small letter lang ang tag.

"Dialogue!" tag.
"Go away, Anna!" she shouted.

"Dialogue?" tag.
"Go away?" she asked.

No need to add comma or change the end marks (if !/?). Automatic na small letter lang yung kasunod. Period lang ang pinapalitan ng comma.

Marami pang paraan kung paano ipull off ang dialogue tag. Mayroon pa yung may kasamang action. If you want to know more, please check my writing guide, 'Be Aware.'

As for narration, I suggest na more action. Puros dialogue kasi ang laman ng chapters. Kulang tayo sa narration. You have to use your senses in narrating. Anong hitsura ng gym, ng classroom, ng bahay? Kailangan maimagine ng mga readers yung kwento. Pay attention din sa mga actions ng mga characters. Huwag tayo puro dialogue.

Take a look at this one. Napakaplain ng narration. Parang yung mga nasa script ng role play. It sounded like am explanation about sa action ng isang bida. Siguro isang factor dito is yung point of view. Nasa second pov ka kasi at hindi talaga advisable ang pov na'to. Try using 3rd pov nalang.

Another thing is that kapag iba na yung nagsasalita, new paragraph na siya. Hindi pwedeng pagsamahin sa isang paragraph ang dalawang dialogue lalo na kung magkaiba yung nagsalita.

“Oi!” she called you. “Ohayo!” you replied, smilling.

Dapat next paragraph na si 'ohayo' kasi iba na yung nagsalita. Same goes sa narration. Basta kailangan, sama-sama yung mga thoughts ng iisang tao. Hindi pwedeng magkasama kasi ibang tao na 'yon. Organize natin yung mga sentences natin.

→ Language

Automatic po na nakakapitalize ang:
- I, I am, I'm, I'll (kahit nasaang part pa sila ng sentence).

Other clarification:
- yayks to yikes
- cuz to 'cuz or 'cause

Lawakan din natin yung vocabulary natin. Read and read. Malaking tulong ang pagbabasa. Medyo challenging pa naman ang gawa mo dahil nakapurong English ito.

→ Grammar

Wala akong nakitang mali dito. Malinis naman ang pagkakagawa ng mga sentences. Lawakan lang talaga natin yung vocabulary natin.

♡ ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ ♡

Hello, Akemi! Pasenya na kung magulo yung pagdedeliver ko ng critique. Ang gulo talaga ng utak ko these past few day hahaha! Sana kahit papaano ay may naitulong ako. Thank you so much for trusting me! Godless and keep writing!

Note: Please don't forget the reminders above.