Reminders:

↝ This is unedited so please excuse the errors that you will definitely meet as you read.

↝ Lahat ng mababasa mo dito ay opinyon ko lamang patungkol sa gawa mo. They are subjective but there are also parts na objective.

↝ Make sure to do all of the payments for this. I trust you.

↝ Feel free to correct me if I have said something wrong.

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Hindi Inaakala
written by AximeyyDy

Genre: Romance
Language: Filipino-English

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i. Book Cover

I get the point of your cover. Pinapakita niya yung attitude nung female lead. It's fine but I want more. Show more. Nawawala kasi yung settings. Kahit young couple lang na naglalakad sa may daan, ayos na. Kailangan may maipakita ka sa cover pa lang. Dapat may nabi-build na expectations sa mga readers. Also, I kinda found the elements (doodles) around the text a bit playful. Hindi siya tumutugma sa takbo ng kwento na medyo dramatic. I wanted to see it more cozy and medyo may heavy vibes.

ii. Story Title

Great title. Sa tingin ko napakaunique pakinggan ng title mo lalo na at purong Tagalog ito. Napakarare pa naman ngayon yung mga ganitong tipo ng titulo. I don't have much to say on this one. It did justify the plot of your story. Nakakaintriga din. Ano yung unexpected? Madami kasing possible sagot dito kaya nakakacurious kung ano yung hindi inaakala sa kwento mo.

iii. Story Description

I love the thought of your description. Maganda yung pagkakasimula mo dito. Pabonggahin lang natin ng kaunti para mas makaattract ng magbabasa. Also, I suggest na mag-include ng Filipino. Kailangan nating maging consistent. Tag-Lish ang kwento pero purong English naman ang description. Pwedeng mamislead ang mga readers about sa language ng kwento.

About sa pabonggahin, iwasan natin yung may repetition lalo na kung nasa iisang paragraph lang sila. You see, may dalawang 'we really don't know' sa unang paragraph. Nakakasuya. There are also some parts na pwedeng ayusin o hindi naman kaya irephrase para mas maganda.

→Expect the unexpected, sounds cliche but it's true.

→Maybe we're going to be happy for the mean time but who knows what we will be for the remaining time.

→Not until I met this guy. He's the person that all of the girls admire. He's every girl's dream.

Just a suggestion (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

iv. Prologue

Maganda ang simula. Pinakita mo yung 'end' ng kwento. Very nice way to start the story. Kaunting problema lang when it comes sa dialogue tag (will talk about it in writing style). Also, I need you to become more descriptive in terms sa actions ng bida. For instance, doon sa sagot niya sa nag-iinterview. Imbes na dire-diretso yung pagpapasalamat niya sa mga kaibigan at pamilya, you could atleast put movements in it para may naipipicture yung mga readers.

"To my friends, Ada and Macy..." Hindi ko mapigilang matawa nang mahagilap sila ng mata ko na kunwari'y nagpupunas ng luha. "Thank you for your endless support," pagpapatuloy ko.

Lumipat naman ang tingin ko sa katabi nila. Mom looks at me dreamily. "To my parents, thank you for not giving up on me."

Make it like this style para hindi purong dialogue lang. Other than that, maganda ang prologue. Konting ayos lang sa mga construction ng sentences.

v. Characterization

You did a great job in maintaining your characters. Maganda ang combination ng mga characters. The attitude of the female lead compliments the attitude of the guy. Ayos naman lahat pwera nalang sa nabibilisan ako sa mga events. Masyadong mabilis yung love story nilang dalawa. I just hoped na sana naglagay ka pa ng maraming moments between them para atleast nabubuild yung relationship nila. Nawawala kasi yung process. Ni hindi ko alam kung paano man lang manligaw yung lalaki. You have to show the process lalo na kung paano nainlove yung female lead. Show more. Huwag tayo puros dialogue o salita. Heto yung tinatawag na show and not just tell.

vi. Writing Style

→ Dialogue and Narration
Saw problems when it comes to dialogue tags. Kapag yung kasunod na phrase ng dialogue is ipinapakilala yung speaker (sabi ni, tanong ni, said), hindi kailangang i-period ang dialogue. Comma lang then small letters. Please check my book 'Be Aware.' I already explained it there and mas maiintindihan mo doon. Other than that, wala ng problema. Realistic naman ang mga dialogues.

Maayos din ang narration. You just have to show us more. Take your time in writing. Huwag madaliin ang mga scenes.

→ Language
I encountered a lot of problems when it comes sa paggamit ng dash in between a prefix and the rootword. Iisang word lang sila and you just have to put dash sa gitna kapag magkasunod yung consonant tsaka vowel.

Examples:
'nag-aabang' not 'nag aabang'
'pag-inom' not 'pag inom'

Other clarifications:
Pag - Kapag / 'Pag
Eto - Heto
Meron - Mayroon

Usage of 'nang'
Just imagine 'nang' as the word when.

Tatalikuran na sana niya ako nang hilahin ko ang kamay niya.

In English: He is about to turn around when I caught his hand.

Marami pang ibang gamit ang word na 'nang.' I suggest you to check my 'Be Aware' book. I already explained it there.

Careful lang tayo sa mga words and also, marami-rami din akong nakitang mga typographical errors. I suggest na ireread muna ang buong chapter bago tuluyang ipublish. Para naman kahit papaano ay nababawasan yung mga mali.

→ Grammar
No problem with this one. As what I have said, re-reading is the key. Hindi naman maiiwasan ang mga mali pero mababawasan naman natin sila.

♡ ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ ♡

Hello, Ash! Sana may naitulong ako. Pasensya na kung hindi masyadong maayos o detailed ang pakakacritique ko. Sana may nakuha ka parin kahit papaano. Feel free to ask me if you have questions. I really did enjoy your story. It's great! Continue writing and I hope nothing but the best in you!