Reminders:

↝ This is unedited so please excuse the errors that you will definitely meet as you read.

↝ Lahat ng mababasa mo dito ay opinyon ko lamang patungkol sa gawa mo. They are subjective but there are also parts na objective.

↝ Make sure to do all of the payments for this. I trust you.

↝ Feel free to correct me if I have said something wrong.

╔═══════════════════════╗

The Heartaches of Yesterday
written by Jan_Green

Genre: Teen Fiction (Drama)
Language: Filipino-English

╚═══════════════════════╝

i. Book Cover

Very nice cover. I like it. Ang ganda ng mga elements na nilagay mo such as the girl overlay. Naemphasize mo yung mga kailangan lalo na yung sa title. Even the color combination is great. Very pleasing sa eyes yung cover. It shouts emotion. Naiparating mo ng maayos yung message ng kwento. I can feel the drama in it. That subtitle is also perfect. I love it. Nakakadagdag siya ng emosyon. It compliments the whole cover. Overall, sobrang bagay ng cover sa kwento.

ii. Story Title

Napakaheavy ng title mo. It brings a lot of emotion which is a good thing. Sa title palang ay may insights na sila about sa story. I don't have much to say in this. It suits sa story so much. Maganda din yung mga salitang ginamit mo. They are just basic words but when put together malakas ang nagagawa nitong impact lalo na sa emotions. Great job!

iii. Story Description

Maganda yung thought ng story description mo pero hindi masyadong nabigyan ng linaw. It is a bit lacking and also, there are parts na hindi clear at mali ang pagkakacontruct ng sentences.

→Connection between lines. Make sure na patuloy ang daloy nito at hindi putol-putol. You could use conjunctions (FANBOYS) or anything na pwedeng magconnect sa isang sentence sa kasunod nito.

Celestine Diane is not the chosen road. It just simply means, people don't like her imperfections. It made her decide that it is necessary to always put your mask on. Until one day, she realizes that it isn't about the people against her. It is about her against herself.

Is it possible for the unchosen road to be the desired one?

Much better. Mas maayos yung paglilipat from one sentence to another. Magnext paragraph ka lang kapag bago na yung thought o kaya naman iba na yung settings.

Overall, maganda yung pinapahiwatig ng description mo pero maybe you could tell more. Maglagay ka ng sneak peak ng conflict o ng character. Anything na pwedeng maglead sa story mo para atleast sa description palang ay nakakapagbuild na ng ideas yung mga readers.

iv. Prologue

Maganda ang pinili mong prologue. You put a very intriguing scene na hindi ko alam kung nangyari ba 'yon in the past or future or afterlife (lmao). It's a great start. Ang ganda ng pagkakasulat. Full of emotion. Sobrang nakakaconfuse and at the same time, curious. Nice job!

v. Characterization

I don't have much things to say in this one. You did a great job in building the characters. They have their own attitudes and behaviors. Hindi nakakalito at hindi din sila mahirap kilalanin. Very interesting ang bida. Ang dami niyang tinatagong sikreto. Very secretive and bold. Same goes sa friend niyang si Elise. I wonder kung ano ang mga revealations na magaganap.

Whatever happens, maintain mo yung mga characters mo. Make sure na may rason ang bawat pagbabago nila and of course, dahan dahanin natin ang mga changes. Huwag masyadong biglain ang readers. Pwede kasing mawala ang pagkarealistic nila. Kapag nangyari 'yon, magiging hindi kapani-paniwala ang mga characters. Mawawala din yung nabuild na connection between them and the readers so let's be careful with them lalo na at medyo dramatic ang kwento. Emotion ng mga tauhan ang panlaban mo dito so dapat maging maingat para hindi masira ang credibility nila.

vi. Writing Style

→ Dialogues and Narration
Napakalight ng writing style mo. Punong puno ng emosyon yung narration. Actually, majority of your narration talks about feelings. It's not a bad thing pero sana itake consideration mo din yung ibang bagay. Also use your other senses, huwag palaging feelings kasi minsan nakakaoverwhelm masyado. And! Isama din natin yung ibang characters. I can see na nakafocus palagi sa bida yung narration. Isama naman natin yung iba. Use your senses to describe them lalo na kapag sa dialogues. Tell us how she said that, what is her expression, action? Paint a picture in our mind. Ibalance natin yung emotions and description sa pagnanarrate.

Another thing is that i-improve natin yung coherence and cohesion. Heto yung pagkakaroon ng maayos na daloy ng mga sentences and paragraphs. Try to read them aloud and see how is the transition. As what I have said, you could use connecting words para hindi harsh ang pasok ng panibagong sentence. Also, it is not necessary na every sentence is a new paragraph. Arrange natin yung mga sentences natin. You have to know kung kailan dapat ang next paragraph.

- kapag mag-iintroduce ka na ng panibagong idea
- kapag may sudden change ng settings
- kapag ibang tao na ang pinag-uusapan

Also, yung paggamit ng colon (:) ay bawas bawasan natin. Medyo nakakasira kasi siya sa physicality. You could use comma (,) or emdash (—). Mas magandang tignan ang mga ito kaysa sa colon. Besides, they almost function the same.

By the way, I would like to commend you for putting such a great introduction for every chapter. Napakamalaman ng mga ito. Eye-opener. Actually, walang patapon sa mga chapters mo. Konting ayos lang. And also, you incorporated some images kaya pak na pak! When it comes sa mga inai-talicize mo na mga part, tamang tama lang ang mga ito. I can't see a problem with that basta ba may sense at importante ang inai-talicize okeh?

→ Language
Nothing serious with this one. You have a very wide vocabulary lalo na sa Filipino. Walang repetition na magaganap. The words are very deep and they adds more to the impact. Mayroon lang akong isang nakitang constant na pagkakamali: la'ng→lang.

Also, ibalance natin yung dalawang language na ginagamit natin. Malalalim na mga Filipinong salita pa naman ang ginagamit mo kaya medyo challenging ang pagpapasok ng English na mga sentences. Just balance. Huwag ipurong Filipino ang isang paragraph para hindi pangit kapag nilagyan mo ng English. Panindigan natin yung Tag-Lish.

→Grammar
No problem with this one. Napakalinis ng gawa mo. Tuloy tuloy ang reading experience dahil wala masyadong problema. Napakagaling!

♡ ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ ♡

Hello, Zein! How's the critic? Sana may naitulong ako sa'yo. Also, pasensya na kung ngayon ko lang naibigay. Sana nasatisfy ka dito. I've enjoyed the story. Continue writing it. Have a nice day and stay healthy as always!