Reminders:

↝ This is unedited so please excuse the errors that you will definitely meet as you read.

↝ Lahat ng mababasa mo dito ay opinyon ko lamang patungkol sa gawa mo. They are subjective but there are also parts na objective.

↝ Make sure to do all of the payments for this. I trust you.

↝ Feel free to correct me if I have said something wrong.

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The Lost Princess of Zapphora
written by Pretty_Christia

Genre: Fantasy
Language: Filipino-English

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i. Book Cover

I love the simplicity of the cover. It's really cute for the story. Maganda yung image na ginamit. Even the font is nice. I just hoped na sana medyo malaki yung size nung username mo. Also, medyo nagkukulangan ako sa Fantasy vibes. You could put overlays amd play with the effects para hindi plain lang yung cover. It is simple pero kung gusto mong pagandahin, go lang. We have lots of editors in here. It would be great kung magiging manipulation 'yan.

ii. Story Title

Hindi ko sasabihin na wala pa akong nabasa na medyo kahawig ng title mo. Nagsipagkalat na kasi yung mga ganitong tipo ng title sa Fantasy. Wala namang problema 'to sakin. Hindi maiiwasan yung mga ganito lalo na kung ito nga naman yung magiging takbo ng kwento. The only thing that makes your title stand out is the name of the place attached on that. 'Zapphora' — it sounds sophisticated (it sounded Sephora lol!). I could imagine pixie dust falling in the sky. Nandoon yung magical feelings. Inangat niya yung gasgas na 'The Lost Princess of.' You know, pagandahan lang naman talaga 'yan ng words. At kahit sabihin na'tin na gasgas na ito, we can't still deny the fact that na tinatangkilik parin ito ng mga readers.

iii. Story Description

Very nice description. Sobrang ganda ng mga naformulate mo na mga questions sa unang paragraph. Very intriguing. Comes sa second paragraph, kulang. I need more. Actually, pwede siyang maging part pa nung first paragraph. Then the third and last line, pwede ding pagsamahin nalang. Hindi naman kailangan na paghiwa-hiwalayin yung mga iyan.

Also, parang humiwalay ata siya sa title. Nawala yung Fantasy at naging Romance bigla. Ang expect ko pa naman ay may ipapakilala kang Kingdom na pwedeng sumuporta sa title mo. Nasaan yung princess? Ano yung Zapphora? Ang tanging nakikita kong mayroong koneksyon ay yung tungkol sa gyera. You can still keep the current description. You just have to add something before it. Kailangan mong maiparamdam yung Fantasy, yung mahika na sinasabi mo sa kwento.

iv. Prologue

Unang-una sa lahat, ang gulo ng pagkakasulat pero nakasurvive naman ako. Naintindihan ko naman kahit papaano yung prologue mo. Maganda yung simula. Magulo lang talaga yung pagkakasulat. Ang dami kong napoint out na mali. Content wise, the prologue is exciting.

v. Characterization

Great characterization. Walang problema dito. Your main lead is playful and consistent naman sya. With regards sa other characters, I can't really tell dahil hindi masyadong naabsorb ng utak ko yung kwento. The errors are just too much. Definitely, needs a lot of improvements.

vi. Writing Style

(Pinagsama-sama ko na)

I'm sorry pero it is really bad. Nahilo ako kakaintindi. Maayos naman ang mga dialogues. May mga punto yung mga ito pero bumabagsak dahil sa mga punctuations. Dialogue tag! Lots of problems with this one. I suggest you to read my writing guide, Be Aware. May mga lessons ako doon na makakatulong sa'yo.

Same goes sa narration. Sobrang hahaba nila. Learn when to cut sentences. Nakakaubos ng hiningang basahin yung narration mo. Walang tuldok. Ang isang paragraph sayo, isang sentence lang. Hindi naman pong masamang magputol.

Sa grammar, wala naman masyado. Pilipino ka naman kaya kayang-kaya mo na'yan. I suggest lang na read muna, kahit isang pasada lang, before publishing para atleast nalelessen yung mga errors natin.

Marami ka pang dapat malaman at matutunan. Hindi ko maibibigay lahat sa iyo 'yon dahil masyado silang madami. What I suggest is to read and read. Yun yung pinakaeffective. Siguradong matututo ka doon. Observe their writing style—kung paano sila magstart ng narration, yung dialogue. Another thing is check my writing guide, Be Aware. Nandito din yon sa account na'to. May mga lessons doon na makakatulong sa'yo.

Malaking revision! Yan na yon. The story is good but the way you tell the story is not good.

♡ ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ ♡

Hello, Ryle! Sana hindi sumama ang loob mo sa mga nabasa mo. Hindi pa naman huli. There's always a room for improvement. You just have to be patient and syempre, you have to work hard. Help yourself, bb. I would be the happiest person kapag nabasa ko ulit yung story mo na maayos na. Pasensya na din kung wala akong masyadong naibigay. I was not feeling good and besides, I can't really take the story (Im sorry). Anyways, sinabi ko lang yung totoo. I don't want to lie. It's for your own good din naman. Fighting!