I hate you for leaving. I miss you because you left. I don't know what to say except, goodbye my friend.

****

"I didn't think this day would ever come", I say as I stand at the tall wooden podium that's placed strategically infront of the large gathering in front of me.

Typically I would call it a crowd but, that seems festive and well, this isn't a festivity. It's a funeral. One like all the others. All black clothes and white waxy faces, every one of them with puffy red eyes from crying so much, flowers in every corner you could possibly imagine looking into, and that coffin. That dreaded wooden casket carrying the now lifeless body we all once knew.

The magnitude of despair in the atmosphere was as enormous as I've ever seen. I'd like to think.

"I mean, I knew it would...Obviously", I continue. Warm tears roll down my face, making my cheeks a little extra slippery. "I just-I breath-I always imagined that I'd be old and grey....seeing my husband in the front row with all of our kids and their cousins crying their eyes out. But instead...Here I am at 16 years old...my mother in the front row...feeling this tremendous amount of pain that I feel as-well to be saying goodbye to my sister"

The wind is now roaring from all sides. It kisses my face harshly... But at the same time, still very delicate. Comforting too.

"I remember the night it happened like it was yesterday. I remember her begging me to go to that stupid party with her and... I remember saying no", I hiccup, "I. Just. Said. No"

I pause, trying my hardest to keep from losing the littlest bit of control that I have left of my emotions.

"The next morning...uhm, I looked across the room and she wasnt there. I just thought, maybe she was just being Kylie, you know? She probably past out in the kitchen..."

I take a breath and the tears start to pour as I bite into my lower lip so deeply that the faint taste of blood overpowers my tongue. "I uhm...I remember finding my mom sitting on the couch...sobbing. And if you know her then, you know mom isn't a cryer, anyone can tell you that. So...yeah...that was when I knew something had to be seriously wrong. That was when I knew, I shouldn't have just said no"

I start to feel the muscles of my chin tremble and I look towards the coffin that's now embracing my dead sisters body.

"She's dead", I whisper with a slight crack in my voice. "That's what my mom told me. She said, 'honey, Kylie is dead'.....My sister is dead."

I had no idea at the time, but That Friday Night, when my older sister Kylie Burklin was found dead at a party, would change my life forever. In the worst way possible.

You're probably wondering how we got here, well let me tell you, it's one hell of a story...

That Friday Morning
Every morning I wake up, I'm welcomed by the faint glow of sunshine that swoops in through the little square window above my bed. It never reaches Kylie though, her bed is too far away from mine.

I've always liked that we share a bedroom but, Kylie hates it. She's a pretty self resilient person. Always been super independent.

I, on the other hand really have never felt like I was enough for myself. I guess I'm just one of those people who always needed to depend on somebody else. Whether it was depending on someone for little things like knowing what day it was, or even pretty big things like making me feel safe.

I just always need someone to lean on. Is that bad?

My therapist, Miss Nadia, says it's because I saw my parents drift apart before the divorce and felt alone for so long that now I feel the need to completely rely on someone. I think that's stupid but, she's certified so, what do I know?

"Are you done staring at me?" Kylie passively comments while carefully studying her image in the vanity mirror as she applied her third coat of lipgloss.

"I'm not staring at you. I'm staring at your ass. The squats really are working, huh", I praise

She twirls her body to face me and smiles. "You think?"

I smile and nod.

We walk into the kitchen simultaneously and as usual, mom was seated at the table, sipping her decaf cuppacino, wearing her everyday power suit and typing away at her laptop.

Today's suit was lavender.

"Morning mom! You look nice today", Kylie says enthusiastically. My mom ignores her and carries on typing

"Oh, I look nice too? Gee, thanks", kylie mocked. Mom takes a sip of her coffee

"Good Talk Mom", Kylie laughs. I do too while biting into my plain toast

"Oh shit!" Mom yells, "My battery's about to die. Where's my charger?"

"Now she speaks", Kylie smiles

"Oh, I borrowed it last night.It's upstairs", I calmly expressed, "I left mine at Trip's"

"I don't care where you left the damn thing Kelsie. Just bring it"

If you hadn't already noticed, yelling is kind of my mom's thing. Right after being a workaholic and having far too many one night stands on Saturday Nights.

I put down my tall glass of milk and hurry upstairs to get the charger. I gnawed at the inside of my cheek while repeatedly whispering to myself, "Where is it?"

I finally spot it under the pile of clothes that I had left this morning when trying to find an outfit. I ended up deciding on an old Metallica t-shirt and jeans

I picked up the charger and from the corner of my eye, notice Kylie's diary. She never let anyone read it. Not even me.

Tempting.

I stared at the diary and contemplate picking it up.

"Yo!", I hear Kylie say, making me switch focus nervously

"Yeah?", I respond

"I'm gonna flake on Miss Nadia today", she whispers, "So, I kinda need you to back me up"

"Why do you wanna flake?"

"C'mon, you know how bad I hate going. I mean, all we ever do is talk about the past and how it made me feel", she explains as we walk downstairs

"That's sort of the point of therapy Kylie"

"Exactly why I hate it. I don't get why anyone would wanna sit down and talk about things that already happened. The way I see it, if yesterday happened, you leave it as yesterday."

"No matter how bad you might want it to be, yesterday will never ever be today. It'll always just be yesterday", she continues

The car ride to school was how it always was. Comfortable. I wouldn't want it any other way. Just me, Kylie and mom going to school while mom sings along to her Backstreet boys CD and Kylie records the entire thing, giggling to the point of tears. I could go for these rides to school Everyday for the rest of my life and never get tired of them.

The school halls were crowded with people, and the chaos was so perfect, like a movie. The odour of the stale urine curled from under the boys restroom doors, depressingly mixed with deodorant and body count. Ugh, body count.

I tuck a string of hair behind my ear, smiling at the sight of my boyfriend, Trip Tucker, standing by his locker surrounded by the rest of the football team.

They laugh and shove each other, as they do often. I've always found it funny how the team was full of the loudest guys in school but nobody ever heard their boyish gossip. Unless of course you're dating one of them. In that case, you get dirt on everyone and everything.

I walk up to Trip, stealing his attention effortlessly.

He smiles at me. I like him better when he smiles and he knows it. As far as I'm concerned, his smile is a gift to the world. He wears it so perfectly.

Gosh, I love him.

"Good morning Beautiful", he intertwines his fingers with mine and plants a gentle kiss on my forehead. I love when he does that. It makes me feel safe.

"I missed you", I respond. My cheeks are all pink and fluffy. Not because I'm nervous. Just because he makes my cheeks all pink and fluffy.

"I missed you more. Guess what?"

"Yeah?"

"I made our reservation at Chatlíní's for our anniversary weekend"

Trip and I met at a restaurant named Chatlíní's. I was with Kylie that day. We ordered so much off the menu and had no idea how expensive it was till we got the cheque.

Trip's brother worked there for the summer and lucky enough, Trip thought I was cute so he convinced his older brother to let Kylie and I off the hook as long as I gave him my number.

Long story short, I answered his call and now every milestone anniversary, we go to Chatlíní's for dinner. We pay full price though. And by 'we', I actually mean Trip.

"I was thinking", I say. Still holding both his hands, "And...I'm ready"

"You mean?"

"Yeah", I continue, "I'm ready for you to have all of me"

"Are you sure?", he asks. Genuinely. "It's a really big decision. I mean, it isn't just sex, it's important you know. I don't want to take something from you that I'd never be able to give you back"

"I know and...that's why I want you to be my first. Right after homecoming, we can go to Chatlíní's and then get a hotel or something."

He smiled that perfect smile and pulled me into a soft hug. He presses his warm lips onto my ear and whispers, "I love you"

"I love you more", I say. I meant it too.

Night After The Funeral...
Coming home wasn't how I remember it.

Two days ago, coming home was like finding refuge.

Two days ago, coming home felt easy.

Two day ago, coming home was like serendipity. It was tranquil and perfect.

Two days ago, Kylie was here...

Right now coming home feels like a bad dream. It feels empty, and different, and cold. Right now, Kylie isn't here.

Right now Kylie's dead...

I walk into the house and stare at the quiet and empty hallway

I take shakey deep breaths and let the cold, lifeless oxygen pass through my nose and make it's way to my lungs, caressing them.

I felt a sharp pain in my heart and my chest starts to move up and down. First slowly, then faster, then rapidly but it was all at once. The beats of my heart start to fill up my ear drums as my throat closes up suddenly.

In less than a second, I was fighting for air while tears roll down my face.

I fall onto the floor gently and feel my lungs expand and deflate quickly. I hear the front door creek open and mom's designer high-heeled boots click into the house in a panic.

I feel her presence tower over me suddenly.

"I can't believe she's gone", I cry, looking up at mom's face as a warm tear drops from her eye and lands softly onto my cheek.

"I know", she whispers before getting on her knees and holding onto me tightly. She's held onto me before but, this time was different.

This time we shared the same pain. One of a loss and a heartbreak all at once. We both felt an emptiness. An emptiness that's never been there. One that neither of us had ever thought would reach us this quickly.

Our heartbeats synchronized. They sang the same song. A song of sadness and anger. A song of relief and letting go. They sang Kylie's song.

That Friday Afternoon
Kylie's p.o.v
"I never meant for any of this to happen you know. I just made a mistake, one that I can't take back", I whisper on the phone.

"Hey, join the club", she responds, "Everything will be fine as long as we do as we're told"

"I've been told to do something that I can't do. I can't even think of it"

She pauses.

"Hello?"

"I'm still here"

"I'm scared okay. I don't know what to do"

"Do what you're told. Or else you're gonna get killed", the person replied, "You know that...and I love you but, I'm not gonna die with you"

☔︎︎☔︎︎☔︎︎☔︎︎