im gonna write this in English, cuz i dont even know where do you come from.

sorry about my gramma, i'm just good at speaking, not writing.

so, here's the problem.

i don't know how long i can bear until the moment you decide to get into my life.

i don't know. really. but i think we don't have much time left my dear.

so, there are something that i would love to let you know. if i can't talk to you myself, then this will be showed to you by my brother: kiddo. just ask him to translate our messages too. come to think of it, i must talk about you a lot since i can't even count how many times we talk or bet when will you appear. 

please read it carefully.

i never live. believe me. this is not how i want to live my life. but the world doesn't roll that way, at least in my world. i have sacrificed almost everything, even changing myself into someone that i remember i did protest at the very beginning. and i guess i lost my heart somewhere along that road since i don't really feel anything anymore. 

to be honest, i am very lonely.

i'm the type of person who should keep their thoughts to themselves. if you ask me why, then babe, no one understands the way i think or appreciates the way i work. let's just say i worked hard, so hard just to see people deny and bury my efforts. and it's true that i have a different view to see the world, but that doesn't mean i'm a bad guy right? unfortunately, at this moment, when i am writing ( typing ) this letter, i can't tell myself i am good or bad. i have no reasons to be a good one, but be a bad one is the last thing i want to be. 

no one understands me. no one appreciates me.

what am i even saying? this is hard to express you know? kiddo said i had paid a high price, too high for a freshman but what can i do? nothing. the more i want to break free, the higher the price this world asks me to pay. and it is not even illegal! i just want to live my life. but what i want, people usually don't. especially when i want to live a peaceful life.

you will know more when you get into my life. if you come late, feel free to ask kiddo. he maybe angry, or sad, or hate me, but he will not hate you. no. whatever happens, it is not your fault. 

i keep thinking about you. when i sleep, i usually have nightmares. i saw people died. i saw someone trying to kill me. i saw you leaving me without a word. i can't even rest. and when i wake up, all i get are tiredness and disappointment. i'm scared. and you are not even there so i can see you and try my best to protect you. i cannot protect you. i cannot even feel you or hug you tight. i cannot touch you in a loving way like playing with your hair or running my finger along your nose. i do not even know if you are real or just a production of my imagination. 

i want to say more. trust me. but i can't. i hope you are doing good. please take care of yourself and live a happy life. if we cannot meet each other, then move on. you gotta move on. allow yourself to love and be loved. i have to admit that love has its own power that nothing can defeat. 

so, there is it. maybe we can meet in another life if we cannot make it in this one. i am sorry. i promise, in the next lifetime, i would find you and i would choose you over and over. i would find my way through the ocean of people to get into your life and give you everything i have.

until then, please take care.

love.