Trigger Warning

This chapter contains self-harm so if that is a trigger for you or something you have dealt with in the past that may be a tough subject, please don't feel like you need to read this chapter. Your health is important so please skip and have a great day. You guys are all awesome and I love you guys so stay strong!

Jisung's POV

It's quite boring when the other's boys aren't around. That's why I'm currently laying on my bed and staring at the roof while the rest of the boys are off finishing off some of their schedules. I groaned in frustration as I rubbed my face before sitting up and grabbing my phone. I unlocked it and decided to go look through Twitter as there's nothing better to do. At first it was fine, I was reading a few tweets from Stay to me and they were saying some really nice things, calling me cute, saying I'm an Ace, along with other things. But then I saw something different. You know they say you read 10 nice things and 1 bad thing and the bad thing is the only one that sticks with you. I used to think they were stupid but clearly not considering how I've been reading this one tweet over and over again for the past 15 minutes. Am I really that bad at singing? I know I'm actually a rapper but I thought my singing was at least, apparently not. I frowned and went to the replies, reading through what people were saying. To my horror, there were heaps of people who were agreeing with them and adding their own input. There were the occasional people who were defending me but I hardly pay attention, I was too busy going over the other things people were saying. Before I knew it, I felt tears start to fall down my face as I continued to read and a sob ripped through my throat. Before I knew it, I was clutching my pillow and sobbing my heart out as what they were saying wouldn't leave my head. Fat. Useless. Overrated. Bully. Ugly. Along with tons of other things. I cried for about 20 minutes before I had nothing left to cry and just lay there staring at the wall. I heard a door open downstairs so I quickly jumped up and hid my phone under my pillow, wiping my eyes to try and get rid of any traces there may have been of me crying.

"SUNGIE WE'RE HOME. OR AT LEAST MINHO HYUNG, INNIE AND I ARE," Hyunjin yelled out. I really don't feel up to socializing right now so I quickly faced the wall and pretended to be asleep.

"Jisun-." Hyunjin paused after he swung the door open and it hit the wall.

"Shit, damnit." I heard him rush over and a hand was gently running through my hair.

"Sorry if I woke you, I can't tell. If so go back to sleep Sungie," he whispered. He sat there for about two minutes just running his fingers through my hair, almost succeeding to actually make me fall asleep but he left before I could drift off. The light was turned off and the door closed softly behind him as he left the room, leaving me alone to my thought. I didn't sleep very long that night at all.

~~~~~

It's been a week since I first read those comments and a lot has changed. I've started distancing myself from the boys not wanting to seem like a bully, eating less so I'm not as fat and practicing more so I won't be useless. I can't do much about how ugly I look but I can wear a facemask in public so people don't have to see how ugly I truly am. I've already mastered the art of faking a smile, it wasn't actually as hard as I thought. After that night, I just woke up and plastered a smile on my face and the other's all bought it straight away. Part of me was hurt that no one noticed but then again, I am the insignificant member so why would they care? At first I thought I would be fine, I would just fix myself so Stay would be happy but it didn't seem to be working. I found myself once again home alone and looking through Twitter to see if Stay were happy with my improvement. They weren't, no one seemed to notice anything different. I mean it has only been a week but I was kind of hoping some Stay would notice that I was improving myself. Maybe I have to just work harder to be better quicker. I sighed as I continued to read over the comments people had left, it wasn't good enough. I was frustrated, mad but also sad. Why couldn't I just be good enough?

I paused when a certain comment caught my eyes.

@HanJisungSucks I hope you cut yourself, your skin is ugly anyway

Cut myself? I slowly lifted my sleeve and looked down at my bare wrist. Would that help me be better? I mean he's right, my skin is ugly but will cutting help it. He did say he was hoping I did it so maybe it will. I slowly slipped out of bed and walked over to my bathroom. Once I was inside, I looked at myself in the mirror, sighing as I had to see my fat and ugliness yet again. There was no smile on my face, there never was when I was alone. I searched up how to self-harm online and read through some things for a few minutes before I got the vague idea of what I was supposed to do. I went into my draw and grabbed out my box of razors, grabbing one from the pack before putting the rest back. I struggled a bit to get the razor blade out but once I did, I slowly held it up in front of my face. My eyes raked over it as I saw the sharp edges, glinting in the light and I slowly ran my finger over it, gasping slightly when I felt a prick and a little drop of blood came out. I was expecting it to sting as I just sliced my finger but it didn't, it actually felt, nice in a way? I needed to be smart about this, I needed to cut somewhere that the other's wouldn't be able to accidentally see. I could cut my wrists but that's too risky, one I might accidentally cut to deep and slice a vein and two, if my sleeve accidentally rolled up, someone would be able to see. I contemplated for a few seconds before I lowered the blade until it was hovering over my arm a bit further down my wrist. I took a deep breathe to prepare myself and then pushed down slight, dragging the blade across my skin. I blinked as I watched the blood slowly drip down my arm and into the sink. I was expecting some pain, considering it was a proper cut but all I felt was relief. Where was this all my life? I sighed in relief as I made another cut just below the first one and then another. Soon enough I had four identical cuts down my arm and I just stood there looking in wonder as blood dripped from my arm into the sink. I don't know how long I was standing there for but I jumped when I heard the front door close. Shit! I quickly washed my locked the door to my bathroom and turned the shower on before grabbing the first aid kit. I quickly cleaned up my arm and wrapped some bandages around it before covering both my arms with my long sleeve. I washed the blade and chucked it in the draw before turning off the shower. I cleaned the sink and made sure there was no evidence of what just happened before leaving the bathroom. I jumped in surprise when I saw Minho laying on my bed still in his dancing clothes.

"Hyung, you good," I asked slowly. When he didn't move, I frowned and walked closer, chuckling quietly when I saw that he was asleep. That boy is going to be the death of me. He has a habit of sometimes working himself too hard and just passing out as soon as he get's home. I sighed and wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him further down my bed so his head was on my pillow. I quickly untied his shoelaces and gently slipped his shoes off his feet before I got him out of his jacket and untucked his shirt from his pants. I slipped his belt off and chucked everything in a pile next to my bed. I got changed into my pyjamas before turning my light off and slipping into bed next to Minho. I snuggled up to him and wrapped my arms around his waist and making him turn to me, his eyes slowly opening.

"Hey Sungie," he whispered.

"Hey Lee Know," I grinned. He gave me a soft smile before wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me closer to him.

"You know, you really should stop working so hard," I said with a sigh.

"I didn't work too hard," he said with a soft yawn.

"Then why did I find you passed out on my bed," I asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Because your beds comfy and smells like you and you took too long," he said with a shrug.

"Smells like me," I questioned.

"Yeah, you smell nice," he nodded.

"You're weird," I giggled.

"I know," he said softly as he lifted his hand up to my cheek and caressed it softly. My eyes slipped closed and I pushed my head closer to him until it was resting on his chest and he was running his fingers through my hair. I felt safe in his arms and for the first time since that night, I was content and happy.

"Are you doing alright Jisung? You've seemed a bit distant lately," he said quietly.

"What do you mean," I asked quickly.

"Well, you've just been practicing a lot more lately and haven't been hanging out with everyone lately. And you also seem to be eating less, I don't know if that's deliberate or not but I just wanted to make sure you're doing ok. If you're going on a diet, you don't need to. You're perfect how you are alright," he said as he placed a small kiss on the top of my head. He, noticed? I found myself smiling softly, a genuine smile and I lifted my head slightly to look up at him.

"Yeah, I'm ok. Thanks for asking Hyung," I replied.

"Alright, just know you can talk to mee if you ever need," he said.

"I know," I nodded.

"Get some sleep ok Sung," he whispered. I nodded and closed my eyes, resting my head back down on his chest.

"I love you, I hope you know that," he whispered.

"I do, and I love you too," I replied.

~~~~~

Another week passed after that night and stuff wasn't really any better during the day. I still ate less, worked more and tried to distance myself except it was a lot harder to do. Minho would often show up randomly with food and eat with me, he'd come and practice with me if I ever stayed back and would often just sit next to me quietly whenever I just wanted to be alone. He almost always ended up sleeping next to me every night and he never let me go to sleep without telling me he loves me. Right now, I feel like Minho Hyung is the only thing that's keeping me going. I still feel sad and want to be better but I'm not crying as much. Another thing that has been helping me heaps is the blade. Every night without fail, I make a few cuts on my arm, usually just reopening the one's I made the first night. The cutting helps ease the pain, I feel like the pain just oozes out with the blood.

"Han, it's your turn for styling," the stylist Noona called out. I quickly got up and followed her to the dressing room where all of the outfits were.

"I have the perfect outfit for you Jisung," she said with a grin as she went through some clothes. She pulled out a pair of denim jeans with rips on them and a white tank top.

"I think this will fit perfectly with the concept for the photos today. I also have a bandana that can fit with it," she said with a grin as she held them out to me. I slowly reached out and grabbed them from her, looking over the top she gave me.

"Can I have a different top," I asked quickly.

"Why, I think it will look great," she said with a raised eyebrow.

"Um, it's just a little cold for me today," I lied quickly. She looked at me, then looked at my arms and frowned.

"Jisung, do you mind lifting up your sleeves for me," she asked. My heartrate started to speed up but I plastered a smile on my face and lifted my sleeves up a little, making sure not to go too far as to accidently show the cuts.

"A bit more than that please," she said and I froze. If I go any further, she'll be able to see them.

"Can I just have a different top please," I asked as I pulled my sleeves back down.

"Ok, but first I wanna know how long," she said gently. I fiddled with the bottom of my sleeves nervously.

"How long what," I asked anxiously.

"How long have you been cutting for," she asked.

"W-What," I said as my palms start to get clammy. I can't let any of the boys find out, what if she tells them?

"I can tell the signs Jisung, my daughter used to do it," she told me gently as she placed a hand on my shoulder.

"P-Please, you can't tell the boys," I begged her.

"It's not good for you Jisung," she said shaking her head. I can't let her tell the other's, I need this and they won't understand.

"I only did it once ok. I read something and tried it out but it hurt and I didn't like it. Unfortunately the scars don't just go away, it was only one time. Please don't tell them," I said quickly.

"You aren't lying are you," she asked slowly.

"No, it was a mistake and I don't want them freaking out," I told her. I've gotten quite good at lying recently and getting away with it.

"Fine, I won't tell anyone because it's not my place but please don't do it again Jisung, it's not good for you," she said.

"I know, that's why I stopped," I lied.

"Alright, well wear this top instead," she said, holding out a long sleeve for me to wear.

"Thank you," I said before grabbing it and walking off to get changed.

Minho's POV

Something's off with Jisung. We've all noticed but no one knows exactly what it is that is wrong. All we know is he seems sad lately, hasn't been eating as much and had been putting in a lot of extra work. After a week of watching him be distant, I decided to go to him first, not push him, just let him know that I'm here for him. He seemed happier that night so I decided to look after him after that. I made sure to stay back with him whenever he put in extra practice, just to make sure that he doesn't work himself too hard. I go out and get some food and then eat with him just to make sure he's getting enough food to keep him healthy. I spend the nights with him just to give him some comfort and make sure he's ok and whenever I see him looking glum by himself, I go and sit near him quietly, just so he knows someone is here for him if he needs.

It's now been a month since he started acting different and I've been talking to Changbin and Chan about it. We're all worried about him and we're starting to get a little suspicious. He doesn't really spend time with any of the younger one's like he used to, he's been smiling a lot but it looks fake and he's been wearing long sleeve shirts all the time even when it's hot. We've had suspicions but we don't really want to think about it, I almost throw up whenever I picture my Sungie hurting himself, it can't be true. It just can't, can it?

"Guess what guys, we're filming a video today," Chan said with a grin as he sat down at the table.

"What kind of video," Felix asked.

"I'm not really sure but we're filming at the beach," he said, earning cheers from most of the table. Most, not all.

"Are we going in the water," Jisung asked.

"Yes we are so bring you swimming trunks and Minho, bring your tank top," he said. I gave him an appreciative smile. Stay are always going on about wanting to see my abs and blah blah but the boys all know I'm not comfortable with that. It's not that I'm self-conscious about my muscles, it's that I don't want people seeing the scar that is on my stomach from when I was younger. That's why I often wear my shirts tucked in, because I don't want it to accidentally ride up.

"We leave in 30 so get ready," Chan said. Everyone nodded and left the table to go get ready. As I left, I took note of the amount of food still on Jisung's plate, I'll need to make sure I eat with him a little later.

~~~~~

"Alright boys, to start off with you guys get about an hour to just relax and have some fun before we'll start filming so enjoy," Manager-nim said. Felix and Seungmin immediately squealed and ripped their shirts off, running and splashing in the water. I chuckled and nodded to Jeongin who was looking at me with puppy dog eyes. He and Hyunjin copied the other two and ran into the water. Jisung was standing back a bit and fiddling with his sleeves, looking apprehensive. I looked over at Chan and Changbin who were watching the younger in concern. I nodded slowly to them know that I'll look after him and they slowly walked off after the other's.

"Hey Sungie, you gonna join," I asked him softly, making him jump slightly and turn to look at me.

"Uh, um, nah I think I'll just sit here," he said as he fiddled with his hands nervously. I watched as his eyes were darting around a little and he looked anxious.

"You ok baby, is your anxiety getting a bit much," I asked gently as I pulled him into a hug. He quickly wrapped his arms around me and tucked his head under my chin, letting out a deep breath.

"A little bit but it's not too bad," he replied.

"You wanna sit out for a little bit," I asked gently. Jisung has struggled with anxiety for a long time and sometimes it does get a bit much for him, he even had to sit out of promotions for a while once.

"Is that ok," he asked quietly as he looked up at me, his eyes wide and innocent.

"Of course it is Sungie," I nodded. I quickly scooped him up bridle style, making him yelp but then he started giggling. His giggles were like music to my ears, it's been so long since I've heard him laugh. I carried him over to a shaded part of the beach and sat down, placing him in my lap with his back to my chest. He chuckled but leant back and relaxed in my grip, placing his hands over mine that were wrapped around his waist. We just sat like that for a while, watching the other's yell and play in the water.

"You can go there you know, you don't have to wait for me," he said suddenly.

"Nah, I'm fine here," I said, tightening my grip gently.

"You sure," he asked quietly.

"Positive," I said with a nod. He turned around slightly so he could hug me and snuggled into my arms.

~~~~~

"Alright boys, time's up. Time to get filming properly," Manager-nim called out after quite some time had passed. Jisung and I got up and met up with the other's are they got to our manager.

"First of all, jackets off you two," he told Jisung and I. We both took them off, me revealing my tank top, him having a long sleeve underneath.

"Jisung do you have another shirt," he asked him.

"N-No I don't," he said quietly.

"Then shirt off, we wanna let Stay see some skin from you boys," he told him.

"Can I just leave this on please? It's a bit cold," Jisung asked quickly.

"No you can't, no one else is cold," Manager-nim said shaking his head.

"Off now," he added sternly when Jisung didn't move. I watched as Jisung's hands begun to shake slightly and his breathing got quicker. Chan and I both jumped into action, seeing the signs of an anxiety attack from a mile away.

"Sungie, Sungie baby it's ok. You don't have to so this if you don't want to," Chan said quickly as he grabbed the smaller boys shaking hands. Jisung immediately shook his head and a small sob escaped his lips. I quickly went behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist, placing my chin on his shoulder.

"Shh, it's ok Sungie. No one's going to force you to do something you don't want to do," I said gently. Jisung continued to sob as we all begun to console him gently. Manager-nim understood the situation and quickly walked away, brining the other staff with him and telling them to stop filming.

"Jisungie, can you take a deep breath for Hyung please. In, and out," Chan said softly as he breathed deeply. Jisung slowly started to try and follow along and after about five minutes of that, his breathing was back to normal. He turned around and buried his head in my shoulder, sobbing softly as I ran one hand through his hair and the other up and down his back.

"Is he gonna be ok," Hyunjin asked quietly.

"I don't know Hyunjinnie, I really don't know," Changbin replied with a small sigh. I just continued to console Jisung until he finally calmed down.

"You ok," I asked softly as I pulled away and wiped the tears off his face. He nodded and looked down quickly. Chan gently grabbed his chin and lifted it up to look him in the eyes.

"Do you want to tell Hyung what that was about huh? What triggered your attack," Chan asked softly. Jisung immediately moved his head from Chan's grip and backed into me.

"Sungie," I said gently as I grabbed his shoulders to stop him from running off. It's been a month, it's about time we find out what's wrong so we can help him.

"Why won't you take off your shirt," I asked slowly. His eyes welled up with tears once again and my heart broke.

"I'm sorry Hyung," he whimpered and I quickly pulled him into yet another hug.

"Lix, Jin, Min, Innie, go play in the water for a bit," Chan said quickly.

"But Hyu-."

"Now please Felix," Chan said sternly. The four of them all left quickly, leaving 3Racha and I alone.

"Jisung look at Hyung." Jisung slowly lifted his head from my shoulder and turned to face Chan, sniffling slightly and wiping his eyes quickly.

"No one's going to be mad Jisung. We've all noticed that somethings been wrong with you lately. We didn't say anything because we didn't want to pressure you but we want to help you, we want to be there for you," Chan said gently.

"I'm fine Hyung," Jisung said shaking his head.

"Jisung, who was my first Maknae," Chan asked suddenly. I could see the confusion in Jisung's eyes as he replied.

"I was," he said slowly.

"Exactly, you were my first Maknae and you will always be my first Maknae Han Jisung. I want to protect you, to help you but I can't if you won't tell me what the problem is," he said softly.

"I don't want you guys to hate me," Jisung said sadly.

"We could never hate you Jisung," Changbin said softly.

"Never," I added.

Jisung's POV
Hearing Channie Hyung remind me that I'm his first Maknae and he always want to protect him, and hearing that they won't hate me is what finally pushed me to tell them what I've been dealing with over the past month. I sniffled and closed my eyes before pulling my sleeve up to show them the four cuts on my arm. I was expecting a gasp or a groan or at least something but to my surprise, all I got was arms wrapped around me and pulling me close. I began to sob again as my Hyungs hugged me tightly.

"I'm so sorry. I never meant to disappoint you guys," I sobbed.

"Jisung look at me," Changbin said as he pulled away. I looked at his tear filled eyes and I felt bad, I'm the one making him cry.
"You could never disappoint us Jisung. You're such an amazing person, an amazing dancer, singing, rapper," he said softly as he gently placed his hand on my cheek and caressed it softly.

"No I'm not," I said shaking my head.

"What makes you say that," Minho asked quickly.

"Because that's what they said," I replied with a shrug.

"What who said," Changbin asked me.

"Stay," I said quietly.

"What did Stay say," Chan said gently.

"That I'm overrated, useless, fat, ugly and a bully," I said sadly. I watched as the boys eyes darkened and all three of them frown.

"When was this," Chan asked slowly.

"All the time, they post it on Twitter," I said with a sad shrug.

"Well they're full of shit-."

"Changbin," Chan scolded.

"He isn't wrong though," Minho said as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me close. His hugs are always comforting for me and my heart swelled when he gently ran his fingertips over my cuts.

"Although I don't like the language, I do agree 100% with what they're saying. The people who are saying that aren't Stay hunny, they're haters who are jealous of how good you are," he told me. I just nodded sadly.

"Jisung," Minho said quietly.

"Yeah," I asked turning my head to face him.

"Is that why you've been different. Not eating much, practicing more and not interacting with us as much," he asked gently.

"Well yeah. If I don't eat as much I won't be fat, practicing more will make me better and I can't be a bully if I don't interact with you much," I told them.

"Oh Jisung. You are one of the sweetest people I know, you could never be a bully. You're most definitely not fat, if anything you're too skinny and you're literally named the 4th Generation Ace because you can do everything all around," Changbin said shaking his head.

"You really think so," I asked apprehensively.

"Yeah I do. And so do many other's, the people who really count. Your family and your friends and your brothers," he said firmly. I gave him a small smile and hugged him gently.

"Why don't I go talk to Manager-nim and tell him we're gonna do the filming on another day alright," Chan said before walking off. Changbin followed after him, leaving Minho and I alone.

"You want me to carry you like a bear bub," he asked softly. I grinned and nodded my head quickly, I always like when he carries me. He chuckled and bent down allowing me to wrap my arms around his neck before he slipped his arms under my thighs and lifted me up. I tightened my grip around his neck and wrapped my legs around his waist, resting my head on his shoulder.

~~~~~

Manager-nim was very understanding and let us go home as he didn't want me having another anxiety attack. Felix and Hyunjin cuddled me in the car trip but neither of them asked questions and neither did Seungmin or Jeongin. They just accepted that I was having a hard time and needed some comfort. When we got back to the dorms, we spent the day hanging out together in the loungeroom, playing games and watching movies. It felt nice, and I begun to realise that I had been so wrong. Hearing their constant compliments that fell from their lips so easily, made me think maybe they were right. Once we had eaten and it was time for bed, everyone gave me a kiss goodnight, even Jeongin and I went up to my room with Chan and Minho.

"How're you feeling now," Chan asked gently.

"A bit better but not completely better," I said honestly.

"That's expected. It hasn't even been a day yet," Minho said gently.

"I need to ask you something Jisung, and it's perfectly fine for you to say no alright. I don't want you to feel pressured into anything," Chan said slowly. I had a feeling I knew where this was going so I just nodded.

"Would you be willing to see someone about, about those cuts," he asked gently.

"Like a therapist," I asked with a raised eyebrows.

"I uh, yeah. Look I don't want to be insensiti-."

"It's fine Hyung. I actually think it would be a good idea. But can I wait a bit please," I asked him.

"Of course you can. But could you tell us where the thing is that you use for it is," he asked.

"Just some razor blades that are in the top draw of my bathroom," I replied. He nodded and walked off into the bathroom before coming out a little later with my box in his hand.

"Get some rest ok, we'll talk more tomorrow and figure out some more stuff," he said gently. I nodded and he left, leaving Minho and I alone.

"Come on, let's go to bed," he said. I walked over to the bed and flopped down as he turned the light off and joined me on the bed. I immediately latched on to him and cuddled up to his side as he wrapped his arms around me. As we were laying there, a thought occurred to me.

"You were looking after me," I said slowly.

"Huh," he asked in confusion.

"You realised what I was doing and you were making sure I wouldn't hurt my health too much. You kept coming to me with food because you noticed I was eating as much. You stayed with me whenever I practiced and made me come home before I overworked myself too much. And whenever I was distancing myself, you would just sit quietly with me," I said with a small smile.

"You're my Dongsaeng, of course I was going to look after you," he said gently.

"I'm sorry," I said sadly.

"You've got nothing to be sorry for," he told me.

"What do you mean I've got nothing to be sorry for? I've made us postpone our filming, I've-."

"You've done nothing wrong Jisung. I'm sorry for not helping sooner," he said as he pulled me so I was basically laying on top of him with my head resting on his chest.

"You did help Hyung, you actually helped a lot. You just being there made me feel a little bit better and that was enough," I told him.

"I'm glad I could help and we're here for you now ok Sung," he told me as I nuzzled my head into his neck.

"I know you are Hyung. You always were, I just needed time to realise that."

A/N

This was requested by @3shinjirarenai3 I hope you like it.

Thank you for reading and I hope everyone is doing alright!