Trigger Warning:

There is suicidal thoughts in this fic so if that is something that upset you or makes you feel bad, please don't hesitate to not read this fic. Your health and happiness is more important then getting a view on a story.

Ni-ki's POV

I don't know how I got here. How it got so bad. I never thought I would ever considering going to such lengths. But here, standing on the ledge of the building, I guess now I realise.

A week ago...

Practicing alone in the practice room is the only time I am truly me, the only time my mask can drop and I can take a good look at myself. I was dancing, practicing over and over again as I watched myself in the mirror, picking out every little mistake that I made. It was frustrating the amount of mistakes I could see and I hated it, I always do. I paused the music and leant against the wall, sliding down so I could bury my head in my knees as I begun to cry. The only time I can cry is when I'm in this small, cold, soundproof room. I can't cry in front of my Hyungs, it would break my perfect image that I've spent so long trying to portray. Ni-ki is confident, he is a perfect dancer, a perfect singer, the funny person and the perfect Maknae. I'm not Ni-ki though, I'm Riki, Nishimura Riki. The kid with faults, the kid who misses his parents, who cries alone and who is far from perfect. I am far from perfect, and that's what scares me. I've tried so hard to be perfect for the camera, be Ni-ki, the lovely Maknae that everyone adores and I do well but it takes a lot of effort. It get's hard, too hard at times and that's when I come down here and just let everything out. Crying my eyes out in an empty practice room isn't exactly practical but it but it's the best I can do. I curled in on myself, wrapping my arms around my knees as I begun to sob. All I could think about was how bad my dancing was, how my turns weren't good enough, my moves weren't sharp enough, I wasn't good enough. It hurt, it hurt a lot to know I could never really be this perfect person I try so desperately hard to be but I've come to terms with it. I've learnt to spend no more than a week being Ni-ki before spending a couple of hours dancing and crying, finally getting to be Riki for a bit. I sat there for over half an hour, just sobbing into my knees and cuddling myself to give me any sort of comfort I could while I'm alone. Once I finally calmed down, I leant back against the wall before sniffling one last time and wiping my eyes. I stood up and walked up to the mirror, looking at my red eyes and the tears tracks running down my face. I grabbed some wipes out of my back and used them to wipe the makeup off my face completely, erasing any sign of me crying previously, except for the slight redness in my eyes that would be gone after a nice walk home in the wind. I sighed before throwing my bag over my shoulder and leaving the room, beginning the 20 minute walk back to the dorm. I paused outside the door to the dorm, my hand hovering over the doorknob. I could hear laughter coming inside which means I'm going to have to be happy and smiling and I really don't know if I can do that right now. I took a deep breath and clenched my fist closed as I leant my head against the door. I can do this, I just need to last for an hour and a bit before I go to bed and I should be fine by the morning. I can do this, I've had my Riki time, it's time to be Ni-ki again. I straightened up and opened the door, walking inside.

"Yo guys, Ni-ki's home," Jake called out as he saw me.

"Yes, that's right. Your favourite person is here," I said with a grin.

"Ni-ki, you were gone for a while. Was everything ok," Jungwon asked as he walked into the room with the other's.

"Yup, I was just going over a few things. Now what's for dinner because I'm starving," I said, making the other's chuckle.

"Always thinking about food aren't you," Jay said rolling his eyes.

"What? I'm a growing boy, I need to eat," I shrugged.

"Well good for you, you're just in time for dinner. Wash hands and go to the table everyone," Heeseung told us. We all quickly ran to the bathroom, laughing as we all tried to get there first so we could wash quicker and get to the food quicker. Dinner went by quite uneventfully but I was relieved when it was over so I could finally go to bed and recharge for tomorrow. I put my plate in the dishwasher before saying goodnight and walking over to my room. I slowly got changed before flopping down on my bed with a groan and burying my face in my pillow. There was a knock on my door but I was too tired to even say anything, all I wanted to do was sleep.

"Riki?" I slowly sat up at my favourite Hyungs voice and the use of my name, my actual name.

"Come in," I said quietly. The door opened and Sunoo poked his head in, giving me a big smile.

"Hey Riki, how're you doing," he asked gently as he walked over and knelt down next to my bed. I didn't reply, just slid off my bed and into his waiting arms, hugging him softly. Hearing him say my name which isn't often used, only usually by him, made me feel lighter, slightly happier.

"Are you alright," he asked softly.

"Yeah, I'm just really tired and want to sleep," I whispered.

"Fair enough. Why don't you come sleep in my bed though," he told me. I tightened my grip on him and felt hope bubble up in my chest.

"Really," I asked.

"Yeah. I miss you Riki-ah. You've been a little distant lately and it's been so long since we slept next to each other," he said, leaning back and giving me a small smile. His smile made me just that little bit happier, made my Ni-ki façade drop for a moment.

"Please, I'd really like to sleep next to you Hyungie," I said, nodding quickly. He nodded before helping me stand up. He went to guide me away but I quickly attached myself to his side.

"Come on Riki," he chuckled as he half carried, half guided me out of my room and over to his. He opened the door and pulled me over to his bed, letting me flop down onto it. He chuckled before closing the door and slipping into the bed with me.

"Let's get some sleep," he said with a yawn. I sighed as he cuddled up to my side, resting his head on my chest.

"Night Riki."

"Night Sunoo Hyung," I replied. It didn't take very long for Sunoo to get to sleep, leaving me just laying there with him cuddled up to me. It felt nice, really nice and a realisation dawned on me. I was happy, I felt truly loved, not for being Ni-ki but for being me, just me. In that moment as I ran my fingers through Sunoo's hair softly, I realised the only time I didn't have to pretend and didn't have to feel ashamed of who I really was, is when I'm with my Sunoo Hyung. With that thought in my head, I smiled to myself and cuddled closer to my Ddeonu, drifting off to sleep surprisingly quickly.

~~~~~

It's been a week since that night, which means it's been a week since I had my time in the practice room alone. Which brings me to now, dancing in front of the mirror. I kept making mistakes, too many mistakes, more than usual and it was frustrating me. Every mistake I make just proves how imperfect I am, how much of a fraud I am. After making around my 10th mistake in the span of 5 minutes, I fell to my knees on the floor. It was too much, everything was too much, having to put on a front, seeing how bad I truly was, I just couldn't do anything other than break down. There was something different this time though, crying wasn't enough to make me feel better. I gripped my hair and screamed as loud and long as I could, using the soundproof walls to my advantage. My throat hurt but I didn't care as I started to sobbing and crying hysterically. It's so hard, too hard to keep doing this. I want people to love me, to appreciate me and want me around but in order to do that, I need to pretend I'm someone I'm not. None of the boys even care, they don't realise how much I'm hurting because I have to keep pretending I'm perfect when I'm not. God do they even love me? I felt numb as the thought occurred to me. Did they even care about me? Surely if they did they notice and try to help me, that must mean they don't. I slowly stood up and walked over to the mirror, blankly looking myself up and down. I was standing there, tears running down my face, making my face look even uglier than usual. Here I was, vulnerable, all my flaws exposed for me to see. I'm tall, too tall, it makes me look lanky and awkward. My hair's natural colour was horrible, probably why I was made to change it to the blonde it is now. My body was numb and my mind was blank, which is why it was a surprise to me when my mind finally came back to me and I was standing on the roof of the building. I was confused at first because I don't remember ever going up to the room but then I just didn't care. I was curious so I walked all the way over to the edge and peered over, looking down at the road below. The minute I looked down it's like something in my brain clicked and I was no longer thinking, as if I was suddenly in some sort of trance. I found myself suddenly stepping up onto the ledge. It scared me for a few seconds before I realised how beautiful it was. I looked down and saw all the cars driving by, all the different coloured buildings all around. It was peaceful, more peaceful than anything I've seen in quite some time. I don't know how I got here. How it got so bad. I never thought I would ever considering going to such lengths. But here, standing on the ledge of the building, I guess now I realise, maybe it would be nice to just close my eyes and take a few steps forward. I lifted my foot and went to take a step forwards when I heard the sound of a door opening. I quickly stepped back and got off the edge, trying to look relatively normal before Sunoo came into my view. When he saw me, he grinned happily.

"Riki, I never knew you also came here," he said as he bounced over. I was glad to see he seemed completely oblivious but I couldn't get myself to talk, as if I was still in a trance.

"I absolutely love coming up here. I often come up here whenever I want to just relax and see some nice views. What're you doing up here? Scratch that, you're probably doing the same as me. It's nice isn't it," he said brightly, not even waiting for me to reply, not that I could. He paused as we locked as and his eyes narrowed slightly. I could tell he realised something was off, that I wasn't my usual self but he didn't seem to have realised what I was actually doing up there. He frowned slightly before pulling me into a gentle hug. Warmth started spreading through my previously cold body at the contact but I still couldn't get my brain to form words or do anything really.

"I still miss you, you know. I wish you'd stop being so closed off all the time and just open up, let me be there for you whenever you need," he said softly.

"What do you like about me," I choked out in a whisper, managing to actually form some coherent words. He tensed slightly in my arms before he held me tighter and rubbed my back slowly.

"I love how kind you are, how you always seem to know when I'm upset and know when to stop you teasing because you don't want me to take it to heart. I love how you have this habit of back hugging me randomly, it always makes me just that bit happier. I love how you always let everyone else have the shower first, deliberately taking too long to dibs it so we can feel better first, don't think I've never noticed that by the way. I love your laugh, not you fake awkward one but your genuine one where your eyes get really small because you're smiling so wide. I love your little giggle you make when you're laughing at someone but you don't want them to realise, so you just quietly giggle. I love when you just randomly start dancing to that one tik tok song that drives us all insane. I love the fact that you aren't ashamed to sleep next to your Hyungs, next to me. I love so many things about you Nishimura Riki, too many to be able to list off right now. But most importantly, I don't know what I would do if you ever went back to Japan. I know you miss your parents so much and you're so young but you're willing to stick with us and it means so much to me Riki. I don't know how I would survive with you so far away from me," he said truthfully. His words made me snap out of whatever daze I was in, brought me back to reality. How could I ever think the boys didn't care, that they didn't care about me? We're like a family and we've been through so much together and we love each other, would do anything for each other.

"Thank you Hyung," I whispered as I squeezed him tightly, returning the hug.

"I'm just being honest Riki, there's really nothing to thank me for," he laughed as he pulled back and gave me a wide smile. He looked happy and unbothered which means he probably still doesn't know what I was thinking about doing mere minut-. Holy shit, what the hell was I thinking. My eyes went wide as I realised I was actually contemplating killing myself. How could I even consider that? I quickly grabbed Sunoo's hand and pulled him out the door and down from the roof. He didn't protest just walked next to me as we started to make our way back to the dorm.

Sunoo Hyung gives off an oddly comforting vibe, it's like he instantly makes me feel better and I don't feel as pressured and overwhelmed. I should really spend some more time with him.

"We've got a three day break next week don't we," I asked him.

"Yeah why," he asked as he looked up at me.

"Yeah, why," he asked.

"I-I know you're probably going to be going to see your parents, but, do you think I could tag along," I asked quietly as I looked down slightly. I was nervous that he would say no but what have I got to lose, it's not like I can go see my parents anyway. I looked over at Sunoo as he linked our fingers together and squeezed my hand gently.

"Of course you can Riki-ah. My parents would love to have you there and I would really appreciate having my favourite dongsaeng spending some more time with me," he said with a bright smile. I think sunshine is a fitting nickname for him by Engenes.

"I love you Ddeonu. I don't say it much and I know I'm closed off a lot but I really do, I promise," I said quickly.

"It's ok, I know you do, we all know it. We don't need you to tell us. And I love you too, a lot," he said.

"I know that. I mean it would be stupid of me not to after that whole spill on the roof," I giggled.

"Are you making fun of me Nishimura Riki," he teased with narrowed eyes.

"No," I said slowly. He giggled and squeezed my hand once again before we fell into a comfortable silence as we continued to walk. It was nice, and things were looking up.

I'm not sure if Sunoo ever realised that he saved my life, that he's the only reason I'm still here right now. If he didn't decide to come up to the roof and open that door, who knows what would I would've done.

A/N

This was requested by @Monita373 and I hope you like it and it's what you wanted!

I hope you're all happy and healthy! Thank you for reading.