Trigger Warning

There is slight subconscious self-harm in this fic in the form of hitting a wall. If this is something that you would not feel comfortable reading about then please skip this fic :)

Jay's POV

I'm weak. How can something as small and insignificant as taking selfies for our fans scare me? Just how? It's embarrassing! I mean I've always been afraid of, my reflection you can say in a way. I hate looking into mirrors and taking selfies. Even looking at photos of me can make me anxious but it's not as bad. Looking into mirror and taking selfies are probably the worst for me. Which is why my heart drops when we're told that we're taking a heap of polaroid selfies for Engene's today. I didn't say anything though, not when the other's were all looking so excited. I mean what could I say? Hey guys, I'm a grown man who is scared of taking a few measly photos!

"Jay." I blinked and looked over at Sunghoon who was standing in front of me with a raised eyebrow.

"Hoonie," I questioned.

"We're here," he said slowly. I looked behind him and out the window, realising we were in fact there and all the other's were outside the van already.

"Right, sorry," I said, quickly getting up and following him outside.

"You ok," he asked as we walked to the building.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said, plastering a smile on my face. He looked at me for a bit, studying me but didn't say anything, just continued walking. We quickly caught up to the other's and Jungwon bounded over to me, giggling and grinning.

"How fun is this going to be Jay Hyung, we just get to sit around taking photos for our Engene's," he said happily. I couldn't help the smile that slid onto my face as I wrapped an arm around the young leaders shoulder. As daunting as it may be and as much as I'm not looking forward to it, the other's are and I'll hide my worry to keep them happy.

"Very fun," I said with a small smile. Once we got inside, we walked into the room. There was a row of tables with seven seats and seven polaroid cameras lined up as well. I froze for a second, taking a small breath and pulling Jungwon into a quick hug.

"Have fun today," I told him gently, making him giggle. We all went over to the tables and sat down. I ended up between Sunoo and Sunghoon, Ni-ki next to Sunoo, Jake next to Sunghoon, then Jungwon and at the other end Heeseung.

"Alright boys, all we want you doing is just taking photos with the polaroids and signing the back of them. We'll leave you guys alone here to have some fun and chat while you're doing it because you've all been working so hard lately. You've got 2 hours, enjoy," Manager-nim said before leaving the room. Great, 2 hours of this...

It's been five minutes and everyone got straight into it. Well, everyone but me. I've just been sitting here the whole time, watching as the other's took selfies and signed the back of the cards. After a while, Sunoo eventually looked over at me and raised an eyebrow.

"You aren't taking photos Jay Hyung," he said with a giggle.

"Um, well no," I said slowly.

"Come on Hyungie, why don't you take one with me. I'm the best at taking selfies," he said brightly. I watched as he grabbed his polaroid camera and took out the one that had just come out, my heart rate increasing. He moved next to me and held up the camera with a dimpled smile.

"Say cheese Hyung." My brain went into fight or flight mode, or more like fight then flight. I wasn't thinking properly, all I was thinking about was getting away from the camera, nothing else crossed my mind. I quickly shoved Sunoo away from me as hard as I could without warning. He fell to the floor and there was a bang as the back of his head whacked against his chair. Everyone went silent and turned to look at us as I froze in horror, what've I done. Sunoo sat there looking at me in shock for a couple of seconds before his face slowly scrunched up and he burst into tears, his hand coming

"WHAT THE HELL HYUNG," Ni-ki yelled as he jumped out of his seat and rushed to Sunoo's side, hugging him tightly and rubbing his head gently as he glared at me.

"What happened," Heeseung asked as he Jungwon and Jake ran to Sunoo's side as well.

"Jay Hyung shoved Sunoo to the floor and he hit his head on the chair," Ni-ki said angrily.

"What! Why," Heeseung asked, looking to me with a frown. I could hardly hear what was everyone was saying, all I could focus on was the cries of my Dongsaeng and the pounding of my heart as panic crept up on me. I slowly took a few steps back, finding it hard to breathe but my back hit something. I spun around and came face to face with Sunghoon who was looking at me in what looked like concern but I couldn't really tell, given how my eyes were beginning to blur with tears. His lips were moving but I gave up trying to understand what he was saying. I had already done the fight part, why not go ahead and do the flight. I quickly shoved passed him and bolted, running to the door and swinging it open before running out and down the halls. I kept running until I got to a dead end and didn't know where else to go. I ran to the corner and collapsed to the floor, curling up and burying my head in my knees as I finally let my sobs come. How could I do that? How could I actually push my sweet Dongsaeng and hurt him. And Sunoo of all people, he wouldn't hurt a fly. The look on his face after I shove him was just pure confusion and sadness. Why the hell would I panic and just shove him like that. Sunoo didn't deserve it, no matter how scared I was. I should never have laid a hand on him and I will never forgive myself for that. I continued to sob, my chest feeling tight and throat closing up. I hurt Sunoo, I shouldn't have hurt Sunoo. I should never have touched him. I needed to do something, something to make up for hurting him. He hit his head, so I need to do the same. I leant back without hesitation and smacked my head against the wall, not to hard but hard enough to sting. And sting it did, but it wasn't enough. I took a shuddering breath before leaning back quicker and hitting my head harder. It hurt a lot but it still wasn't enough, I need more pain than Sunoo. I hurt my Dongsaeng which means I deserve this, I continued to do it a few more times, my eyes squeezed closed before on the next hit I came into contact with something softer and there was a gasp.

Sunghoon's POV

I was in the middle of taking a photo when there was a bang and a pause before cries came out. I stood up and turned around in confusion just in time to see Ni-ki rush over to Sunoo who was on the floor in tears as he yelled out.

"WHAT THE HELL HYUNG," Ni-ki said angrily as he hugged the crying boy softly. I looked to Jay who was standing in shock, his whole body tense. What just happened? I am so confused.

"What happened Heeseung asked as he and the other's went over to Sunoo and Ni-ki on the floor.

"Jay Hyung shoved Sunoo to the floor and he hit his head on the chair," Ni-ki said angrily. What? Jay would never hurt one of his babies though? Clearly there's something wrong, he's felt off all day.

"What! Why," Heeseung asked with a frown. Jay was still tense and didn't reply. He slowly shuffled back before he bumped into me and spun around, eyes wide. I could immediately tell something was wrong, just by the way he was breathing and his eyes were teary. He looked scared, no, terrified. Something was really wrong, not just from pushing Sunoo there's something else. I furrowed my eyebrows in concern as he breathed heavily.

"Jay? Hey it's ok, I'm sure it was an accident," I said softly. He didn't even seem to register what I was saying. His eyes went wide and then he was suddenly shoving me out of the way as he rushed out the room. I went to run after him but paused, he needs a few minutes alone and I should check up on Sunoo.

"Sunoo-ah, are you ok," I asked him gently as I knelt down next to him.

"I-I'm ok," he sniffled out as Ni-ki continued to hold the elder and gently rub his head.

"I'll talk to Jay later, he never should've laid a hand on you but jus-."

"It's ok guys. He didn't mean to hurt me," Sunoo interrupted. Obviously, I can't believe the other's think he would intentionally lay a hand on any of us.

"He pushed you Sunoo, th-."

"He was scared ok. I don't know why but I saw fear in his eyes. He wasn't trying to hurt me, just trying to get me away from him. I dunno, I guess he panicked or something," Sunoo said as he wiped his eyes.

"That does make sense. Jay Hyung wouldn't hurt any of us deliberately," Jungwon said softly.

"Are you sure you're ok Sunoo," I asked him once again.

"Yeah. I guess it was just the shock that made it hurt," Sunoo said quietly.

"Alright. I'm gonna go check up on Jay because he's probably really upset right now," I told them. The other's nodded and I got up, leaving the room quickly. I looked around quickly but I couldn't see him so I found myself quickly roaming the halls to try and I find him. It was when I heard a soft thump as I passed a hall, that I paused. Another thump came but louder this time and I quickly rushed down the hall. What I saw made my stomach drop. Jay was curled up against the wall, his eyes clenched shut as he was continuously banging his head back against the wall. And it wasn't like soft little hits, it was big hits, like he wanted to cause himself pain, hard enough to cause a concussion. I lunged forwards as he went to hit it again and made the split second decision, thrusting my hand between his head and the wall so it would have a softer impact. I gasped in slight pain as it hurt but quickly pushed it to the back of my mind as Jay looked up at me. I was extremely concerned when I noticed his eyes were slightly hazy through the tears and it looked like he could hardly concentrate on me as his eyes kept roaming slightly.

"Jay, Jay look at me," I said quickly as I cupped his face. I froze when I noticed something dark smudge on his face. I slowly removed my hand and turned it to face me, my eyes widening as I saw splatters of dark crimson blood. Shit. I gently cradled his head in my hands and turned it to the side so I could look at the back of it. I groaned when I saw the blood there, it wasn't too much but the fact that it was there is not good at all. What made me more anxious was the fact that Jay was completely compliant in my arms, not complaining as I moved him around.

"Jay," I said softly as I turned him to look at me. Silent tears were falling down his face as he blinked slowly at me.

"I need you to say something Jay, I'm really worried about you," I said quickly.

"I hurt Sunoo," he whimpered.

"Sunoo is fine, he doesn't blame you. He said you were scared and you've been off all day. Right now I'm worried about you Jay. Your head is bleeding and you seem out of it, you were just smashing your head against the wall for pete's sake," I said worriedly as I gently caressed his face. He eyes slowly slipped closed and I panicked. If someone has a concussion, they shouldn't sleep without getting a check up.

"JAY," I yelled out, his eyes snapping open.

"God don't do that, you scared me," I said taking a breath of relief.

"M'sorry," he whispered.

"I-I think I need to call an ambulance, you were hitting your head really hard," I said as I brought him closer to me.

"I hurt Sunoo," he whispered.

"Sunoo is ok," I told him.

"B-But I deserved it, I still put my hands on him. I was just scared," he whimpered, sniffling sadly.

"We know, but what were you scared of," I asked him. He looked up at me and blinked slowly, cocking his head to the side in confusion.

"Why were you scared Jay," I repeated. He slowly nodded and I bit my lip in worriedly, he is definitely out of it.

"Selfies. I don't like taking selfies. I don't like looking into mirrors at my reflection and taking selfies when I point the camera at me. It's stupid but it terrifies me. Sunoo tried to take a selfie," he whispered, leaning heavily against me. That's it, he needs to go to hospital. I pulled out my phone and quickly dialled 119. I answered all the questions they gave me, telling them where we were, that he hit his head and how he was acting.

"Who're you talking to," Jay mumbled.

"I'm calling an ambulance," I said softly, running my fingers through his hair as he rested his head against my chest. The other's surprisingly hadn't come yet but I knew I needed to move Jay to the front entrance so he'd be easier to get to which means I need more height. I quickly dialled Heeseung's number and waited for him to pick up.

"Hey, are you guys coming back soon or is he still upset," he asked as he picks up.

"I need you to come here. Jay hit his head really hard and he's a bit out of it so I called an ambulance but I don't really know where we are so it would be better if we bring him to the front," I rushed out.

"Shit, I'm on my way," he replied before hanging up. It only took a few minutes before Ni-ki and Heeseung rushed over.

"Jesus is that blood," Ni-ki asked in shock as he gently took Jay from my arms and into his lap.

"Yeah, I found him hitting his head into the wall and I don't know how many times he hit it but I'm really worried," I told them. The both gasped and Ni-ki quickly stood up, securing the older in his arms.

"Let's go," Heeseung said softly, leading the way.

"Make sure he doesn't fall asleep Riki," I told him and the Maknae nodded, leaning down to whisper words into Jay's ear. I don't know what he said but it seemed to relax Jay and make him more comfortable as he carried him. When we got close to the entrance, I saw Jungwon, Sunoo and Jake waiting for us.

"Is he ok," Sunoo asked nervously.

"We don't know yet but he'll be looked after," Heeseung said gently. It was at that point that we heard the sirens, signally the ambulance was almost here.

"Sunghoon, you go with him. The rest of us will wait here for Manager-nim to come get us and take us to the hospital," Heeseung said, stepping up as the eldest. When the ambulance finally arrived, Ni-ki carried Jay out and the paramedics placed him on a stretcher. They asked a few quick questions before loading him into the ambulance and I joined them, hoping Jay was going to be ok.

Jay's POV

I slowly blinked my eyes open and looked around in confusion at the plain white walls. My head was slightly sore but it was more like a dull ache in the back of my head.

"Jay Hyung." I turned my head at the soft voice and my eyes welled with tears as I saw the gentle, smiling face of Sunoo.

"Hey Hyung, how're you feeling. You hit your head pretty hard," he said gently as he slipped his hand into mine.

"I'm sorry Ddeonu, I'm so sorry," I said quickly, tears beginning to fall down my face.

"Shh, it's ok Hyung. I'm alright. Sunghoon told us all what happened and I'm completely fine. It doesn't even hurt anymore. It was my fault for trying to take a photo without asking," he told me.

"Y-You're not angry? You're not s-scared of me," I asked anxiously. I don't know what I'd do if Sunoo or any of my Dongsaengs were ever scared of me. I vaguely remember Riki telling me everything was ok, that Sunoo understands and that he's ok and still loves me to the moon and back but I'm still worried.

"Not at all Hyung. We know how much you love us and we know you'd never intentionally hurt us," he said, giving me a big smile.

"I promise, I promise I would never," I told him quickly.

"I know, you love us too much," he giggled, placing a quick kiss on my cheek. I was more at ease now that I knew Sunoo was alright and was fine around me.

"Where's everyone else," I asked softly, looking around to see the rest of the room was empty.

"You've been unconscious for 6 hours because they put you under to run some tests, they just went out to get some drinks but we didn't want to leave you alone," he replied.

"What did the doctors say," I asked him.

"You definitely have a concussion. You're on pain medication right now but you'll probably experience headaches, some dizziness and other things depending on how you react to it," he told me.

"Oh, ok," I nodded. I was half hoping he wasn't told about what happened when I freaked out but I could tell he did them minute his eyes softened and he looked worried.

"Sunghoon told us what happened," he said gently. I just sighed and nodded, looking away from him.

"Hyung, please look at me," he whispered. He sounded worried and despite not wanting to, I couldn't just ignore him.

"Can you at least tell me why," he asked quietly as I faced him, his eyes getting slightly watery. I squeezed his hand gently before sitting up and shuffling over, patting the bed next to me. He quickly sat down next me and cuddled up gently to my side as I wrapped my arm around him. I thought about what how to explain to him what happened for a few minutes, not wanting to say something that would send the wrong message.

"I love you, you know that right. I love all of you so much," I told him softly as I leant my head against his.

"I know," he nodded.

"And it's because I love you so much that it would kill me if I ever hurt you," I admitted. He didn't say anything, just held my hand and linked our fingers.

"I thought I had hurt you Sunoo. I was scared and I was guilty and that combined with the fear I already had, I just couldn't think straight. All I knew was that I had pushed you and I felt like I was going to burst so I just did it," I whispered.

"I was only going to do it once but then it made my chest feel less tight and I felt slightly better," I said with a sigh. I heard a sniffle and I looked down as Sunoo cuddled up closer to me, wrapping his arms around my waist as he cried quietly into my chest.

"So, in a way you felt like you deserved it," he whispered. Sunoo really is a smart and gentle kid.

"Yeah," I breathed out.

"You didn't though, you don't deserve that. I know you don't want to hurt yourself and it was a spur of the moment thing but please never do that again. Just as you don't like us being hurt, we don't like you being hurt. We were all so worried when Sunghoonie Hyung called us and said he called an ambulance for you," Sunoo sniffled.

"I'm sorry for scaring you but I promise I won't do it again and I won't push you again," I said, wrapping my arms around him and holding him tightly. We were quiet for a few seconds before he spoke up again.

"So you're scared of selfies, or like you reflection," he asked slowly, making me burst into laughter at how uncertain he sounded.

"Yeah, pretty silly right," I said with a chuckle.

"No, it's not. Everyone has their own fears. I'm really sorry for making you afraid," he said as he looked up at me.

"That's ok Ddeonu. You didn't know and in the end we're both gonna be ok," I said softly. He smiled up at me as I placed a gentle kiss on his forehead.

"Yeah, we'll be ok," he whispered... 

A/N

This was requested by @Harry__1276 and I hope you liked it!

My heart goes out to all of Enhypen and their families after this unfortunate news and I hope they all have swift recoveries and are able to be together soon!

Thank you so much for reading and I hope everyone is doing well and staying safe and healthy!!