Hongjoong's POV

Ever since I was a child, I've always been a very productive person. I've always hated doing things that are meaningless and found it better to do things that are important. Somehow as the years progressed, it slowly developed into an actual fear of mine to do something that isn't productive and wastes time. That's why whenever we have a day off, I always continue to work on things, whenever I watch Netflix, I use it as a chance to work on my English by putting on the subtitles. I've never talked about my fear because it's insignificant and if anything it's actually good. It means I'm always being productive and it helps the group because I get lot's done. Sure, I've panicked a few times before but nothing way too bad, well before this time.

Today is our 1 year anniversary since we debuted so KQ set up a special day for us where we can relax together in the loungeroom and they've got a heap of videos and memories from the past year that we will be watching back over.

"I dibs being between Sannie and Sangie," Wooyoung yelled as he dragged both of them into the living room and basically threw them onto the couch. I chuckled as Yeosang sent me a look that practically said 'help me' as Wooyoung flopped down and lay across him. San on the other hand, looked elated and pulled Wooyoung up off of Yeosang and onto his lap. Wooyoung immediately cuddled up to him and they ended up how they usually do when we have movie nights. The other's started to slowly file into the room. Jongho went straight over to Yeosang who moved over to make room for the Maknae who sat down and cuddled up to his side. Those two aren't the fondest of skinship but for some reason they seem fine when it comes to skinship with each other. Mingi and Yunho claimed the beanbags on the floor and Seonghwa walked up behind me.

"Ready to go Joongie," he asked with a grin. No, not at all. This doesn't really seem like the most productive thing I could be doing right now, it seems a bit like it's a waste of time.

"Of course," I said, forcing a smile. He grabbed my hand and pulled me over to the second smaller couch that we quickly sat down on so Yunho could start the videos. He pressed play and the videos begun to play.

~~~~~

It's been almost an hour since we started watching the videos and while everyone is laughing and reminiscing, I'm struggling to keep myself calm. I'm starting to get a bit anxious and I find my eyes keep drifting back up to the clock, watching as the minutes tick by. Precious minutes that I could've spent doing something more productive. After probably the tenth time of looking up at the clock in the past few minutes, the tv was suddenly paused.

"Yeosang? Why'd you pause the video," San asked.

"Hongjoongie Hyung are you ok," Yeosang asked softly, making me look from the clock to him quickly.

"Yeah, I'm perfectly fine," I said quickly, possibly a little too quickly.

"Why," I added. My palms felt sweaty and I tried not to make myself look nervous.

"Oh, you just kept looking at the clock," he said.

"I kind of need to go to the toilet but I didn't want to interrupt the videos," I lied.

"Seriously Hyung. You could've just stood up and gone to the toilet," Wooyoung chuckled.

"Yeah, yeah whatever. You guys keep watching, I'll be back in a sec," I said, standing up and walking over to the bathroom. I didn't really need to go to the toilet but I didn't know how long I would be able last without panicking. It was good timing it seems as the minute I got into the bathroom and closed the door, my breathing picked up and my hands started to shake. I gasped for air and suddenly I was feeling hot, too hot, the entire room was feeling stuffy. My entire upper body was tingling and my clothes were heavy. I immediately realised what was happening. I was having a panic attack. My mind drifted back to the one hour, twenty seven minutes and thirty nine seconds of wasted time where I could've been doing many things more productive. I clutched at the sink and tried my hardest not to start crying. Usually I would just endure this myself but it's been barely been a minute and I can already tell this is going to be one of my worst one's yet. As much as I don't want any of the other's to find out about my silly fear, I know when not to push myself and when I need help.

"S-SEONGHWA. HWA," I yelled out quickly as I tried and failed to take a deep breath. I heard rushing footsteps and a few seconds later the door swung open and I turned my head to see the boys crowding around the doorway with worried looks.

"Hwa," I gasped out.

"Shit. Ok boys, I need you to wait in the living room alright," Seonghwa said quickly.

"But Hyun-."

"No Wooyoung, I need you guys to wait outside," Seonghwa interrupted quickly. He looked like he wanted to protest but Yeosang grabbed his arm and pulled him away, the other's leaving quickly as Seonghwa closed the door after them.

"Joong," he said gently as he stepped next to me.

"Hwa I can't, I can't breathe. It's too tight," I whimpered, not loosening my grip on the sink. He gently moved forwards and undid my tie, throwing it to the side before unbuttoning a few buttons on my shirt. The difference was immediate and I felt slight relief flow through my as I didn't have anything constricting my airways and I was able to breathe easier.

"Shh, you're ok Joongie. You're having a panic attack right now but you're going to be ok," he whispered. His voice was soothing and I quickly flung myself into his embrace. He wrapped his arms around me tightly as I begun to sob in his hold.

"You're ok Hongjoong," he whispered as I continued to sob. I didn't mean to start sobbing, I don't even know why I was crying but once I started, I couldn't stop.

"Joongie, you need to calm down if you can. Please try and take a breath," he whispered.

"I can't do it Hwa, I can't," I sobbed.

"That's ok, it's alright-."

"It's not alright, I CAN'T DO IT," I cried. He tightened his grip around me and slowly begun to rock me back and forth to slowly calm me down.

Seonghwa's POV

I agree with Yeosang, something seemed off with Hongjoong but I decided to let him have his own space, he'll tell me if he needs me for anything.

"Do we keep watching or do we wait," Jongho asked.

"We can wait, he shouldn't be too long anyway," Yeosang shrugged. We were waiting for a few minutes quietly before the silence was broken by a yell.

"S-SEONGHWA. HWA." I shot up off the couch the minute I heard Hongjoong call out for me, worried as he sounded upset. The other's all followed me as we quickly rushed to the bathroom. I turned the doorknob, thankful that it was unlocked and I swung it open. My eyes went wide as I took in his appearance when he turned to look at us. He was gripping the edge of the sink so tight that his knuckles were white, he was panting heavily and his eyes were watery.

"Hwa," he gasped. I immediately knew what was going on, I've never seen Hongjoong have a panic attack but I know the signs.

"Shit. Ok boys, I need you to wait in the living room alright," I told them quickly.

"But Hyun-."

"No Wooyoung, I need you guys to wait outside," I cut him off quickly. Hongjoong doesn't need everyone crowding and overwhelming him, right now he just needs someone to be his rock and help him calm down. Wooyoung went to say something else but Yeosang seemed to understand what I was trying to do and quickly ushered everyone away. I quickly closed the door before turning back to Hongjoong worriedly.

"Joong," I said softly as I took a small step closer to him.

"Hwa I can't, I can't breathe. It's too tight," he whimpered. I ran my eyes over him before getting an idea. I quickly moved next to him and took his tie off before getting rid of it. I then moved on to unbuttoning the first three buttons on his shirt, loosing it so he might have more space to breathe. It seemed to help as his breathing wasn't as harsh.

"Shh, you're ok Joongie. You're having a panic attack right now but you're going to be ok," I said quietly. I stayed where I was, not wanting to do something that could upset him more but without warning, he suddenly pushed himself into me. I didn't hesitate to wrap my arms around him and hold him tightly as he started to cry and sob in my hold.

"You're ok Hongjoong," I said gently, trying to calm him down. It didn't seem to help though because he continued to cry and I was actually beginning to worry he was going to work himself up again.

"Joongie, you need to calm down if you can. Please try and take a breath," I whispered.

"I can't do it Hwa, I can't," he sobbed.

"That's ok, it's alright-."

"It's not alright, I CAN'T DO IT," he burst out as he cut me off. I quickly held him tighter and begun to rock him back and forth, not talking, just trying to calm him down. I have a feeling he wasn't talking about calming his breathing, that he was saying he couldn't do something else. Maybe something like finishing a song or something that lead him into this panic attack. After a few minutes he calmed down enough that he was just snuggled up in my hold as he sniffled quietly.

"Are you ok now," I asked gently.

"I can't do it Hyung," he whimpered. I froze and furrowed my eyebrows at his use of Hyung. We're born in the same year, only a few months apart, he's never had to call me Hyung before.

"I don't understand what you're talking about aegi, can you please explain," I asked him softly.

"I can't keep sitting there and watching those videos. I-It's pointless and it wastes time. Time that we can be spending doing something else, something productive," he rushed out. Now I'm even more confused.

"It's our anniversary Hongjoong. We don't have anything else we hav-."

"I'm scared Hyung," he whimpered. I held him even tighter if that was somehow possible and placed my head gently on top of his.

"What are you scare of Joong. Hyung will make it go away," I whispered.

"I'm scared of losing time," he whispered. I gently ran my finger through his hair as I considered his words.

"You're scared of losing time? So like what," I asked slowly.

"Um, just sitting around and doing stuff that isn't productive. T-That's why I always have English subtitles whenever I watch movies, cos that at least means I'm doing something productive," he said. No, actually so much is starting to make sense right now.

"That's why you always go down to the studio when we have breaks even when we tell you not too and why you're always trying to read English books whenever we're in the van," I said slowly.

"Y-Yeah," he whispered.

"Ok, that's alright. So why are you upset now," I asked him.

"Because watching old videos isn't productive Hwa, not at all," he whimpered. I paused for a seconds, trying to think of something that might make him feel better.

"Think of it this way Joongie. We're looking over old videos, one's of us dancing and how we used to act. That's productive because we're finding ways to improve ourselves, make us better in the future," I said gently. He sniffled once more before slowly leaning back in my grip to look up at me.

"That, that actually, is true," he said slowly.

"I know it is, I said it," I said with a grin, making his lips curve up slightly.

"A-Are you sure that's not wasting time though," he asked nervously. I looked down at him, realizing just how small and fragile he looked.

"I'm positive aegi," I whispered gently. He nodded slowly and wiped his eyes quickly.

"Do you wanna go back out now," I asked gently.

"Can I have another hug," he asked.

"Of course," I chuckled, hugging him once again gently. He rested his head on my chest and we stayed like that for a minute or two before we pulled apart again.

"I'm good now," he said gently.

"Alright, come one," I said softly as I slipped my hand into his and we slowly left the bathroom, heading out to the loungeroom again.

Hongjoong's POV

Hugging Seonghwa was nice and it made me feel a whole lot better than before.

"I'm good now," I said as we pulled apart.

"Alright, come on," he said gently as he grabbed my hand and we walked back out to the loungeroom. Everyone was waiting in the same places they were sitting in before, except Jongho was sitting with Mingi and Yunho on the beanbags. Seonghwa and I went back to the couch and sat down.

"We good to go," Yunho asked. I was glad they weren't bringing what just happened up. I will tell them all about my fear another time, but right now isn't the time.

"Yep, let's go," Seonghwa said. Yunho pressed play and we all turned back to watching the videos that were still playing. I jumped in surprise when another body joined us on the couch and I looked down to see Yeosang curling up to my side. It was a pleasant surprise, as I said, Yeosang doesn't usually like skinship unless it's with Jongho. I wrapped an arm around him, pulling him closer and hoping he wouldn't mind. He didn't seem to as he just snuggled closer and went back to watching the TV. I could tell he wasn't really paying a whole lot of attention though, probably worrying about me a bit.

"I'm ok Sangie," I whispered.

"Are you sure," he asked quietly.

"Positive darling," I said gently. He gave me a small smile, relaxing as he finally payed attention to the TV, me doing the same. Seonghwa's right, this is productive, and it's cute seeing everyone when we were younger. It's actually adorable!

A/N

This was requested by @3shinjirarenai3 and I hope you liked it

Thank you for reading and have an amazing day/night!