*It is extremely vital that you have read the disclaimer before moving forward with this chapter*

The alcohol burns the column of my throat as I chug it down like it's fucking pussy cum. These days, however, my loyalties lie with the former.

I reach the end of the bottle too soon. Irritation flares within me because fuck, I'm not numb enough yet. With a snarl I rear my arm back and throw the bottle into the air, hearing it smash into pieces onto the road ahead of me. I stumble toward it, my shoes crunching on the grass.

I don't know where I am. Don't care. That's been a running theme lately. But today I've reached limits I didn't know I had.

I never thought I could hate my blood so fiercely. I know full and well I am a disturbed person but if there was ever one thing I did right, it was my unshakable loyalty for those who deserved it. Never did I think I would see the day where my brother no longer deserved my loyalty.

He was appointed consigliere today. I watched, lurking in the crowd and going by undetected. I watched Cavallo announce him. I watched him speak to the mafia like he ruled the fucking world. I watched his wife shower him with kisses and grins the entire night, watched him accept them with a tenderness in his eyes I didn't even know was possible. I watched him when he gave her they key to their new house, knowing exactly what it was thanks to the voicemail Axel left for me.

I wonder how many times I have to stand in front of my brother for him to finally see me. I was there the whole night and he didn't see me. He didn't see me then, and he didn't see me all those years ago.

A throbbing pain builds up in my temple and I scream out, dropping to my knees and holding my head in my hands. I don't want to remember. I don't want to remember. I have done everything to forget so why do I still fucking remember.

For all Knox dicks around about being some high and mighty big brother, he sure misses a lot of fucking things. Yeah, he was a kid, but he doesn't see it even now. The pain and desperation I wear clear as day for someone to see, to reveal the truth without making me say it and relive it all over again.

How could he marry a Ferrera? Love her unconditionally when she is his blood? How can he look at her and not see him? He is gone but still, he is all I see.

Everywhere. Constantly. Especially in that fucking wife of his.

I see his eyes, the ones that had found me trembling in my room. I'd frozen up in fear when those fucking eyes pinned me in place, made my seven-year-old heart stop beating for so long I thought I would die right there.

"Where is it?" He'd whispered harshly.

Those eyes scanned the room and touched everything of mine, tainted everything I was surrounded in. Those eyes. Those eyes. Those eyes.

"I-I-I don't know," I hiccuped. I wanted Mommy. I wanted Knox. I knew he was a bad man because he did bad things to her. Knox didn't know that I saw too.

"Don't fucking lie to me, boy." He closed my door and charged toward me.

My hands were shaking. I felt very confused. Knox always complimented me on my steady hands. Daddy too, before he died. That's why I was so good with knives. Mommy didn't like when I trained with them but sometimes I saw her secret smile when she watched me train and felt proud. So why were my hands shaking now? It felt like something was wrong but I didn't know what.

Knox and Mommy were downstairs. I thought the bad man left already. He came back and that was bad. I opened my mouth to scream but he grabbed my throat and stopped my breathing. I stared at him, wide-eyed.

I knew I was going to die today. Didn't I say that?

"Tell me," he demanded under his breath.

It smelled like alcohol. I wasn't supposed to know how it smelled but Daddy and his friends drank it all the time. I scrunched my nose because he was too close and the smell was making my eyes watery. If I lived, I was never going to drink alcohol in my life.

"Tell you w-what?" It was hard to talk. I sounded very weird. I was wheezing but only because I couldn't breathe. Why was he asking me questions if I couldn't breathe?

"The other half of the charm!"

It sounded like he was yelling but he did it in a quiet way. Didn't anyone else know he was here? Was he trying to hide us? If he was, then no one would find me. My lip shook and I started crying like a baby.

"I d-don't know what a ch-charm is." I tried pushing his hand off but he was very strong. "P-please let me go, sir."

His eyes did something really weird. They looked excited. I didn't understand what was exciting about this.

"My, how sweet you are when you beg." He smiled, sitting on his knees so I could look him right in the face.

He looked mean but he said something nice so I mumbled, "Thank you."

He laughed. What was funny? "You're a good boy, aren't you?"

"I think so."

"And good boys don't get punished, right?"

"Mommy told me about that rule too."

"Hmm." He squinted and made his eyes small. "You look just like her."

I knew that. Everyone told me that all the time but I didn't understand it. I was a boy and she was a girl. How could we look the same?

"Can I go get her?" I asked quietly.

He did the weird thing again. He changed his face so fast. How could he do that? "No! You stay here and shut the fuck up! Didn't we discuss you being good?"

"Yes," I agreed but I was still confused. "Is it because you hurt her? Does she not want to see you?"

I fell to the ground really fast. My head hit the edge of my bed and I tried hard not to cry. It hurt so much. So did my cheek. I rubbed it and noticed something. He slapped me.

"Why did you do that?" I screamed. I didn't like him. I hated him. He hurt Mommy and now he was hurting me. I was training to fight bad men and he was bad.

"Shut up!" He pressed his hand over my mouth really hard. I bit on it and he punched me in my stomach. I stopped breathing but not on purpose, my eyes wide. Knox never hit me that hard in training. I was too little. Couldn't the man see that? "How dare you? You want to be punished? Is that it?"

I tried to say no but everything was hurting. I shook my head really fast. He didn't listen.

"I think that's exactly what you want. And that's exactly what you'll get."

He flipped me onto my stomach and my chin hit my bedroom floor. I accidentally bit my own tongue and it started bleeding. I tried to act tough in training but blood always scared me. I was so scared.

"I want Mommy," I cried. I felt like a baby but I was too scared to care. "I want Mommy!"

He grabbed my hair really hard and slammed my head on the floor. I got dizzy and started crying harder. I couldn't understand why he was hurting me so much. What did I do wrong?

My eyes went wide when he pulled my pants down. What was he doing? That wasn't allowed, right? Only Mommy could do that when she helped me in the bathroom but I was big enough to go myself now. I didn't understand what he needed to do that for.

"If you relax it'll hurt less." The man petted my hair like Mommy did sometimes. It always felt good but not when he did it.

"Stop that!" I shook myself and tried to get away. He slammed my head again and it hurt so much. Big people fought like that. I wasn't big. "Please, stop it. Please."

I was crying really hard and it was making him laugh.

He covered my mouth and then something bad happened. Something really, really bad. It felt like he was cutting me open or something. There was so much pain and I didn't know where it was coming from. It felt like it was everywhere. I screamed, and screamed, and screamed, and no one heard me. No one stopped him from hurting me. He kept hurting me more, cutting me wider, and it felt very wrong and very bad.

"Stop!" I yelled but he was covering my mouth super hard. I knew no one could hear me but I kept trying and my throat got real scratchy. "Stop it! That hurts!"

He kept hurting me. I was crying so hard I didn't understand how no one heard me. No one came to save me. I didn't know what he was doing but I knew it was something I needed to be saved from. I waited, but no one came.

I felt really dizzy. I felt like throwing up too. It happened for so long, or maybe not that long, but I couldn't tell. I wasn't very good at telling time yet.

The pain went away a little when he stood up. He was sipping his pants and the front of it was covered in blood. Was he bleeding?

He blinked down at me, squinting his eyes real hard. Then he blinked some more and more and then he looked really scared. He tried walking backwards but kept bumping into things.

"Fuck." He squeezed his head, still looking at me. I wanted to move but it was too hard. "What did I do? Fuck. Fuck!"

He went to my door then locked it. He came back to me and lifted me up like Mommy does when I fall asleep somewhere that's not my bed. But he wasn't gentle like her and it hurt when he did that. I cried and he said the F word again.

"I'm sorry." He was carrying me somewhere. "I'm sorry. I don't know what happened. I'm sorry."

I was confused when he put me in my bathtub. He turned it on and I looked down, gasping when I saw the water turn pink. Was that blood? Sometimes Knox washed away blood when he was training and it looked the same.

Where was Knox? Why didn't he come get me?

I felt very shameful when he took my clothes off. He didn't look at my face and I didn't look at his. At least he'd put new clothes on me after he washed me.

He carried me to my bed and I started crying again because everything still hurt. He shushed me and laid me down, putting the covers on me. He put a finger on his mouth and squinted his eyes at me again.

"You did something very bad," he said. I felt scared. "You should have stopped me but you didn't. You were supposed to be a brave boy but you weren't. Now no one can know about this. No one loves weak boys. If you want your mother and brother to keep loving you, you can never tell him this happened. If you do, no one will love you anymore."

No one? I wanted Mommy and Knox to love me. I wanted them to love me and protect me forever.

"I will never say anything," I promised in a small voice.

"Good boy." He petted my forehead. "I'm going to lock the door when I leave so no one can come in. If they see you're in pain they'll find out. I'm going to help you."

He was right. I couldn't be sneaky if I kept crying. Maybe he wasn't a bad man. Bad men don't help others. I nodded. He could lock the door.

And he did. I heard that clicking noise when he left the room. I pulled the covers up to my chin. I wanted Mommy to hug me. I wanted Knox to hold my hand. But I did a bad thing and they would leave me if they found out.

I hid under the covers. When Knox knocked on my door in the morning I didn't open it. I had to bite on my shirt when I went to the bathroom to poop so I wouldn't scream because it hurt so much. I was very hungry but I didn't leave the room, so I ate the crumbs under my bed I forgot to clean up.

I forgot a lot of things. I somehow forgot it even happened. And then I saw his eyes the day Mother died. I saw the way they widened just barely when I was pushed into the back of a car being arrested, and then I saw him steel his jaw and act so fucking good it's no wonder no one suspected him. He looked away but the damage was done.

I remembered all over again.

My knees hit the grass as I tip my head up to the sky and a piercing scream tears out of me. It rips through the air, loud and full of anguish, and my lungs burn because I can't stop fucking screaming. But I don't care. No one will hear me. No one heard me then and no one will hear me now. That's the beauty of not having anyone care about you.

"Fuck!" I roar, clutching my head and shaking it back and forth wildly. I can't stop screaming. "Fuck you! Fuck. You!"

He's in my head. He always is. He's gone but he's still here. His eyes still roam this earth and my brother married the person they belong to. Chose the person they belong to. Chose her and forgot me.

I can't fucking take it anymore. I tried fucking everything to forget again. Every drug until it almost killed me. And when I listened to Knox's voicemail about the truth of how Mother died, all I cared about was that the propranolol worked for her so that meant it could work for me. Help me finally forget. That's the only thing I gave a shit about. I went to my dealer and shot myself up, not caring about anything else. That's how fucked up I am.

The propranolol didn't work. Nothing will. There's no way out but I need it. I need to get out of here.

I hear it before I see it. The rumble of a car going fast. My head snaps and I see the headlights immediately. The car is racing down the empty road I stand in front of. There's no way it could stop in time.

You'd think I would spend my last moments saying goodbye to the ones I love, thinking about them, apologizing to them. But there's no one I love. There's no one standing with me or beside me. I'm all alone and that makes my decision all too easy because who the fuck will even care.

No one. Just do it.

I don't think. I stumble to my feet and charge ahead, trying to get in front of the car before it has the chance to pass me. My lungs burn but I've never felt more alive. I push harder, wanting to feel a surge of life before I leave it behind for good.

Maybe I was more numb than I thought because I don't feel it. I see it though—the ground further than it should be as I peer down at it, my body soaring through the air. I see the ground get closer, hear my body crack when I hit it, see the blood seeping onto the concrete in puddles. I hear the screech of breaks and a car door open and then I hear a horrified scream.

Whoever it is, I want to tell them they should be smiling. They saved me. I feel my body grow light, feel my soul gently leaving me, and feel peace like I've never known it because I recognize what's happening—I'm dying.

The last thing I feel is my lips lift into a smile. I can't remember my pain if I'm not alive to feel it. This time I really will forget. I'll never remember again.

Finally.

To be continued...

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Please read on for Author's note and more information about book two.