Chapter 7

It was like wearing a pretty dress for my funeral. Nilagyan nila ako ng mga bulaklak sa aking buhok at binigyan ng makintab na damit. I could hear the cheers from everyone knowing that Ragh will soon be the king since he's finally getting married.

Parang gusto ko na lamang magtakip ng tainga.

Napatingin ako sa aking mga paa, it was nice to at least experience the land, the trees and how humans live.

My heart felt like it was being caged and dropped in the ocean. It was heavy to carry the thought that I should have been more conscious about what might happen. I actually took it for granted, I never went outside the quarters because my feet were always in pain. Dapat pala naglakad na lang ako kahit dumudugo ang mga paa.

"Ang ganda mo, Sirena." Merculio complimented upon seeing me. Napalingon ako sa kan'ya at binigyan siya ng isang munting ngiti.

This time, I didn't want anyone to help me. Hinayaan ko ang sarili ko na maglakad patungo sa simbahan. I couldn't feel the pain anymore, the sharp and the thousand little knives plunging on my feet were no match on how my heart is still beating despite being broken.

"Sirena," Ragh called me.

Natigilan ako habang matagal siyang pinagmasdan. He was the most beautiful human being that I ever laid eyes on. He will always be the beautiful dark haired boy that I admired from afar.

Ngumiti ako sa kan'ya.

Ikakasal na siya sa iba.

At nandito ako upang panoorin 'yon.

Napalunok ako habang unti-unting pilit pinakikinggan ang aking kapaligiran. Nabablangko ako. Nawawala ang mga tao nasa paligid at tanging si Ragh lang ang nakikita ko.

Si Ragh na kinakabahan dahil malayo pa ang kan'yang papakasalan. Napalingon siya sa akin. Nagtama ang aming mga paningin.

He smiled at me. His eyes gleaming with joy. I never thought he would be this happy. I never knew that him being happy could cause me a lot of affliction.

That was the most painful thing he could do to me during this very moment. My throat constricted as I diverted my sight. Hiniling ko na sana kahit isang segundo lang ay hayaan ako'ng makapagsalita.

I wanted to tell him. . .

Before I go. I wanted to tell him that I love him. And it was alright that he didn't reciprocate my feelings. He didn't have to and I was only befuddled, disorienting what was true from my reveries.

He didn't love me.

Tanggapin mo na, Cerenia.

We waited in the church, full of flowers and pure linen cloth on the chairs. The sun was translucent as it shines through the window pane. The aisle was awaiting for the most beautiful woman in the kingdom. Hinayaan ko ang sarili kong pumapalakpak habang binubuksan nila ang engrandeng pinto.  Niluwa nito ang prinsesa na suot ang pinakamagandang damit na nakita ko habang narito pa ako sa lupa. My lips pulled apart in envy.

It hurted so much that just moments ago, that was almost me. And I think what hurts the most when it comes to love is the word 'almost'. You were almost loved, almost cherished, almost there yet none of it happened. It remained in the middle, like a drafted book that will never reach the hearts of the readers.

I swallowed hard, I could feel rocks on my throat. Pinanood ko kung gaano kabagal ang bawat hakbang n'ya patungo sa akin. It was deafening that her steps were as steep as it could be. It made her more graceful it also hurt me. This was beyond torture.

Ragh accepted her hand as she went to the altar with him. Pinanood ko kung paano sila sumumpa sa harap ng kanilang Diyos. How their love for each other would last a lifetime and even celebrated like a feast. I saw Ragh's father and mother cheering for them. They had the blessings of the queen and the king.

"You may now kiss the bride," anunsyo ng pari sa harap namin. Nanlalamig kong tinitigan kung paano tinaas ni Ragh ang manipis na tela sa harap ng prinsesa. I watched it slowly how his tender lips met hers.

They kissed passionately in front of me. I clenched my fists. Titigan mo nang mabuti, Cerenia. Baka sakaling mawala ang nararamdaman mo. Baka magising ka sa katotohanan na tapos na.

He can't be yours anymore.

Why did you even sacrifice your beautiful voice and risked your life for a love you're not even certain? Why did you have to risk it? Love, itself, is uncertain. Feelings change for human beings—their lives are fleeting, as short as how the sun rose after the night, it's reasonable that their love is also fleeting.

Napalunok ako nang nagkaroon pa sila ng parada upang ipakita na kasal na sila. I watched them and I saw how Ragh looked back at me. He mouthed something. I can't hear it. I can only hear my heart slowly crumbling into pieces. Ang tinatayo kong pundasyon ng galit para sa kan'ya ay nagiba agad.

I could never hate him for not loving me back. It was my choice to love him. I couldn't blame him for not returning my feelings.

Isa ako sa mga sumalubong sa kanilang parada. Sinasabuyan sila ng mga bulaklak ng mga taong may mga maliliit na ngiti sa labi. They handed me one too, a peaceful white lily resting in my palms. Sinubukan ko rin itong ilagay sa kanila ngunit naninikip ang aking dibdib.

Nagulat ako nang may humarang sa aking paningin. I saw Merculio's broad back instead of the two newlyweds.

"P'wede ka na umiyak." Merculio said, not facing me.

Oh. Isn't he too thoughtful? Napangiti naman ako sa kan'ya at agad na umiling. I can't cry even if I wanted to. And I'll always wonder how it works, how relieving it is to unveil some of your pain to the world. To let yourself scream your sorrows. I can't do that. My whole existence is not familiar with the concept of tears.

I can't cry.

Sana hindi na lamang mga paa ang hiningi ko, sana ang karapatan na lamang na magkaroon ng mga luha ang aking hinangad. I wanted to express my loneliness and pain however all I could do was smile.

Merculio didn't hear anything from me. The bubbly hues of the sky slowly changed into a more lone tone. Ang tahimik at makulimlim na langit ang siyang nagpaalala sa akin na kinabukasan na ang kamatayan ko.

Nasa isang barko kami ngayon, dito sila nagpakain at nagsaya para sa bagong kasal. May maliit na kwarto kung saan nananatili si Ragh at ang prinsesa. Narinig ko sa ilang mga tauhan sa barko na baka gumagawa na raw sila ng kanilang anak.

I didn't know how to react. I was already too numb. Sana bago man ako mamatay, hindi sobrang sakit ang pinaranas sa akin.

Pinarurusahan ba ako dahil sa pagiging makasarili ko? Gusto ko lang naman magkaroon ng kaluluwa at makasama si Ragh. Maaaring para sa isang sirena, kasalanan na pala ang humangad ng ganito.

I silently hummed the tones of my favorite songs sung by the mermaids as I let my hand flow in the current of the waves.

"Cerenia. . ."

Nilingon ko ang mga malamyos na tinig. I saw my sisters slowly rising above the water. All of them have short hairs now. A sign of a fallen beauty. Our hair was the symbol of how beautiful we are and without the long strands of it, we looked like normal mermaids instead of royalty.

"N-nakita namin ang parada na nangyari. . ." panimula ni Adelaida na may malungkot na ngiti. "Kinasal siya sa iba, Cerenia."

Ngumiti lang ako at tumango. It's alright, Adelaida. I just regret not having the ability to tell you that you can have my collection now. I will miss you, sister. I would love to see you grow for three hundred years more but my impulsive decision has led me into this.

"Binigay namin ang buhok namin sa mangkukulam," Azaria said. "P'wede ka na bumalik sa amin. Tatanggapin ka ulit ng karagatan, Cerenia."

I shook my head. No. . . I mean why? I was not worth it. Hindi na sana nila binigay ang kanilang mga buhok. My eyes softened and I saw the glitters of hope in their eyes. They want me to come home. Desperation and longing found in their eyes as they looked at me.

Unti-unting may inabot sa akin si Azaria. I saw the purple bruises she got on her arms. Natigalgal ako dahil doon. Theseus is probably hitting her. Nanginginig ang aking mga labi. I'm sorry yet apologizing won't do anything now.

Isang punyal ang inabot n'ya sa akin. Napalunok ako, kumikintab sa pulang ilaw ang punyal. May mahika ito kung galing ito sa mangkukulam.

"Kailangan mo patayin ang prinsipe, kailangan mong pigilan ang pagtibok ng puso n'ya para sa iba. At sa oras na malagyan ng dugo n'ya ang mga paa mo, babalik na ang buntot mo. Uuwi k-ka na sa amin, Cerenia. . ." Azaria said. Lugmok ang kan'yang mukha dahil kahit siya ay mukhang ayaw pumatay ng isang tao.

Pumatay? At si Ragh? Parang sinusuntok ang puso ko sa sobrang kaba. Hindi ako makasagot dahil bukod sa wala akong boses, wala rin akong lakas ng loob gawin ito.

Subalit makababalik ako bilang isang sirena. Makakasama ko ulit si ama, si inay at ang mga kapatid ko. I could forget all of these, I could try to love again. I could begin a new love and be able to explore more within a hundred years.

Napasinghap ako. Kinuha ko punyal. Nakakapaso ito at halos parang nagbabaga. Nakita ko ang galak sa mukha ng mga kapatid ko. Gano'n ba sila nangulila sa akin?

Nahihiya ako sa kanila. They had to sacrifice their beauty just for me to be able to return to them. Samantalang ako ay hindi man lang sila naisip habang ako ay nasa lupa. I did miss them but I often wonder how I could live in the land.

Did I really deserve this kindness?

"Dali na, Cerenia! Bago pa sumikat ang araw," pagsusumamo ni Adelaida. "Gawin mo na, bumalik ka na sa amin!"

"Gawin mo na!"

"Cerenia, hihintayin ka namin!"

"Cerenia, babalik ka na sa amin. . ." Azaria said with loneliness in her voice. "B-babalik ka 'di ba?"

Tumango ako. I didn't want their sacrifices to be put in vain. I didn't want their love for me to be futile. Unti-unti akong umalis mula sa aking pwesto at pumunta kung saan natutulog si Ragh at ang prinsesa.

Humigpit ang hawak ko sa punyal. Kaya ko ito, kailangan ko lang ng dugo galing sa kan'yang puso na may iniibig na iba at magiging sirena na muli ako. Bakit ko siya iisipin kung di naman n'ya ako mahal? Bakit kailangan kong isipin ang buhay n'ya kung ako naman ang mamamatay kapalit ng kan'yang kaligayahan?

I. . . have to return to the sea. I have to return home. I have to kill Ragh.

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