Chapter 23

"Practice lang," Merculio chuckled and shook his head. "Tinitingnan ko lang kung may epekto ba sa 'yo o wala. Mukhang p'wede pa rin akong mag-artista."

Para akong binunutan ng tinik sa dibdib at agad siyang hinampas sa kan'yang balikat. That wasn't a good joke! I wouldn't know how to confront it. Problema ko na nga si Ragh pati ba naman si Merculio?

"P'wede ka na mag-artista," I laughed heartily. "Muntik na akong maniwala sa iyo!"

Ngumiti lang si Merculio. "Talaga ba? Ang galing ko pala talagang magpanggap 'no?"

Nagpatiuna na ako sa pagsunod kay Raghnall. Nakasunod naman sa akin si Merculio. I saw him playing with the sand while crouching. Napalingon sa direksyon namin si Ragh at agad na nagtaas ng tingin. His smile only reached Merculio because he didn't look at me.

Parang kinurot ang puso ko dahil doon. Subalit inisip ko na lang na ako naman ang nagsimula na ganito ang trato.

"The party's not here," ani Ragh at tuluyan na siyang tumayo. Tinuro n'ya gamit ng kan'yang nguso ang direksyon ng bonfire party.

"Alam namin," I replied. Napalingon sa akin si Ragh ngunit bumitaw ang ngiti sa kan'yang labi.

"Kung ganoon, aalis na ako," malamig n'yang tugon.

"Sandali lang, Ragh."

Hindi siya nagpatinag at tuloy lang ang paglalakad palayo. I followed him obediently. Hindi inaalintin lang ang ginagawa n'yang paglayo.

I tried to stop him but he moved as quickly as possible. Hindi ko na tuloy siya nahabol at tuluyan na siyang nawala sa paningin ko.

I gathered my thoughts and put them into action. Sinundan ko si Ragh kahit halatang iniiwasan n'ya ako. Bilog nga talaga ang mundo, I used to be the one who's devoted to not letting our paths cross.

What happened?

Ano ba talaga ang gusto ko? I was confused even with myself. I just wanted to correct my past mistakes. I want to give myself a chance to live without pain.

Pero bakit mas masakit ngayon na abot kamay ko na siya pero ang layo pa rin ng pagitan sa aming dalawa?

Maybe because I was still thinking about my futile sacrifices before. Dapat ba talagang may kapalit ang mga sakripisyo? Because sometimes I think sacrifices are mostly done because of love. When you truly love someone, you don't even see it as a sacrifice but a duty to protect what you love.

"Kamusta? Nakausap mo ba? Nasagot na ang tanong mo?" pambungad sa akin ni Coleen habang nakahilig sa pader. Nasa veranda siya ngayon at inaabangan ang pagpasok ko.

"Hindi," I smiled blandly. "Wala na yata talaga. Kasalanan ko naman at mas okay na siguro talaga na hindi na kami magusap muli."

I took my shoes off and opened the light switch. Sumunod naman sa akin sa loob si Coleen na mukhang nagtatanggal ng tama ng alak sa sistema.

"I can call him for you," alok n'ya.

"Huwag na."

"Hahayaan mo talagang ganito na lang ang mangyari?"

"I don't really have a choice. Hindi ko naman siya puwede pwersahin na kausapin ako. I did my part. Sinundan ko at sinubukan ko para kahit papaano. . ." I closed my eyes and sighed. "Pinapaasa ko lang si Ragh sa puntong ito, Coleen. Let him go from hoping that we can be together. Bawal nga kami."

"Bakit?" tanong ni Coleen, halata ang inis sa boses. "I don't get it. The both of you were so good together?"

"Ikaw lang ang nakakakita n'yan."

I just knew that if the fates didn't want us to be with each other. There must be a reason. Kung wala, edi talagang tinatarantado lang pala kami ng tadhana.

"Hindi ako papayag na wala man lang kayong closure. Paalis na tayo, Cerene. A few more days, we'll be back in Manila. At ano? Wala man lang kayong napagusapan o nilinaw sa isa't isa? Can you really live a life that is full of regrets?"

I wanted to refute her claims but no words escaped my mouth. Hinayaan ko na lang siyang sabihin ang mga gusto n'yang sabihin. It won't change a thing, I'm still haunted by the past and I think there's nothing that could fill the empty void of my heart. Kahit na minahal ko si Ragh noon na kaya ko i-sakripisyo ang buhay ko noon. . . I just feel like I need to be free from pain and free from him.

"Listen, Cerene. You have to give it a try. At least one more," Coleen said. "And if you don't find him reasonable enough, at least you tried, right?"

Hindi ko alam kung bakit paniwalang-paniwala ako sa kanila. Bakit ba ang bilis-bilis kong maniwala sa tawag ng dibdib. Hindi ko alam bakit natagpuan ko na lang ang sarili kong nasa Crystal Hotel habang kinakapos sa hininga. I held my breath as I went to the information desk. Kahit ang mismong receptionist ay tinitigan ako na may halong pagaalala.

"Yes?"

"May naka-check in b-ba na Raghnall?" tanong ko habang hinahabol ang hininga. Napahawak ako sa aking dibdib nang wala sa oras.

"Si Sir Ragh po ba?"

"Yes please," I said.

The receptionist looked hesitant. Pero agad naman siyang lumingon sa likod ko at nagbigay ng isang mabilis na pagtango.

"Cerene," his mellow voice caught my attention.

Agad akong napalingon sa aking likuran at kitang-kita ko ang pagkagulat sa mukha ni Ragh. He was wearing an open button shirt and his beige pants. Mukhang kagagaling lang n'ya sa labas dahil may mga dala pa siyang grocery. Merculio did mention to me before that Ragh doesn't really use the resources in their hotel if it's not necessary.

"P'wede ba tayo magusap?"

Pinigilan ko ang sarili ko na mag-back out. Nandito na ako sa harap n'ya upang tanungin kung ano ba talaga ang nangyari at bakit di siya sumipot. Maybe I just wanted to delude myself once again or maybe I really wanted to give this a chance.

I wanted to give ourselves the chance that we didn't have before.

For real, this time.

Tahimik kaming pumunta ni Ragh sa likod ng hotel malapit sa dalampasigan. The breeze of the wind felt warm and also the sun was sharing its pigment with the sky. Nagiging kahel na paunti-unti ang buong kalangitan.

"I'm sorry," sabay naming sabi sa isa't isa.

I was flustered and Raghnall laughed because of my reaction. Yumuko lang siya at napailing.

"That day, there was an accident. Hindi ako 'yong naaksidente pero nandoon ako no'ng nangyari 'yon. No one wanted to help her because of her situation, muntik na kasi siyang malaglag sa bangin. It was risky, lalo na kung di ka naman marunong sa gano'ng bagay."

I followed his feet falls as it succumbed to the sand. Hindi ko alam kung bakit sinusundan ko ng tingin ang kan'yang mga hakbang. All I know is I wanted to divert my attention aside from staring at his face.

"I took the risk but it was hard. Ayoko naman kasing tumunganga lang ako roon habang unti-unti na siyang naghihingalo sa kan'yang buhay. It took a long time before rescue arrived. Tapos sinubukan kong humabol pero alam ko naman na huli na. . ."

"I'm sorry if I was immature. That night, my expectations were probably just too high."

Umiling-iling si Ragh. "It wasn't your fault. I just fell short when it comes to your expectations. I should have at least texted you, pero inaasahan ko rin kasi na makakahabol ako. I really wanted to spend the night with you, Cerenia. It could have been my redemption but I failed. . ."

Napalingon na ako sa kan'ya. His eyes were translucent, kitang-kita ang pagiging sincere n'ya sa mga sinasabi n'ya sa akin. My chest deflated because all this time I was projecting my heartbreak on him. He wasn't the same Ragh. Hindi siya ang mananakit ulit sa akin.

"I like you," pag-amin ko. "There's an affinity between us that I can no longer deny. Pero a-ayoko kasing masaktan. . ."

"Is this because I used to date around? Are there rumors that I only cause heart breaks? Totoo naman na malandi ako noon pero. . ." Napalunok si Ragh habang sapo ang kan'yang noo. "I want to be serious with you, Cerenia. The first time I laid my eyes on you, there's a feeling that I long for your existence. Pakiramdam ko ay kulang ako kung di ka nakikita."

I smiled weakly. "Iniiwasan mo nga ako."

"Only because I thought you had enough of me. I didn't want to cause you any further hesitation about me. Kung di mo ako magugustuhan, I wanted to at least give you the peace that you deserve."

He cupped my face and aligned the falling strands of hair on the back of my ear. He looked at me directly in my eyes and gave a saccharine smile.

"I love you, Cerenia."

Nanubig ang mga mata ko nang banggitin n'ya ang mga salitang 'yon. My heart bursted in bliss as his lips trailed on my forehead up to the upper side of my lips.

"This time, I'll choose you." He promised just like before. He gave me assurance that maybe this time, we'll get the ending that we both deserved.

𖠵 ｷ 𖠳