Chapter 11

Napaigtad ako dahil sa sinabi n'ya. His eyes were hovering over me, tinatansya ako kung may alam ba ako o wala. It somehow woke something inside my chest. A feeling of longing. Napapikit ako bago tumalikod sa kan'ya. Lumangoy ako pabalik sa lupa sa sobrang kaba. I was soaking wet when I arrived at the shore. Pinagpag ko ang sarili ko upang kahit papaano ay matuyo ako. I even squeezed my hair.

"Hey," a deep voice called. Nagulat ako dahil may naglagay ng tuwalya sa aking ulo. My heart was thumping loudly inside my chest. This gesture made me frightened. The thought that he almost touched a part of me made me feel like I was being deformed into bubbles again.

"Sino ka?" tanong n'ya sa akin mula sa aking likuran. "How did you know my name?" he only repeated his previous questions but this time in a calmer tone.

"W-wala ka na roon," nanginginig na sagot ko. Hindi ko siya hinaharap. I didn't want to face him knowing that my emotions can get ahead of me.

"Uh, salamat nga pala," Ragh said. "I can change your clothes if you want to — I mean papalitan ko 'yong damit mo, hindi kita huhubaran at papalitan ng damit. I — the cost of your dress, I'll pay for it!" he sounded flustered.

"Hindi na."

"I'm sorry," he said, a little sigh escaped from his lips. "I didn't mean to make it look like you were at fault. Kasalanan din namin na hindi namin nasabihan na may shooting."

Umiling ako sa kan'ya, pumapatak ang tubig mula sa aking katawan sa buhangin. Kumakapit tuloy ito sa aking paa. It gave me a reason to focus on my feet. I was trying to distract myself from thinking about him.

Hindi na ako sumagot. I waited for his steps to move however he did not even try to lift a foot. Nanatili siyang nasa likuran ko.

"Ragh, take two raw."

"Sandali lang, Merculio. . ."

At the mention of that name, my eyes immediately went to that direction. Nakita ko si Merculio na bahagyang nanglaki ang mga mata sa akin.

And in my heart, I hoped and prayed that he noticed me as someone in his past lifetime. I wanted to at least have one person to remember me as the mermaid who foolishly went to the land to get love for a soul.

"Hindi ba ikaw si bistek girl?" tanong ni Merculio. Nalaglag ang panga ko.

Of all names, bistek pa talaga ang pinangalan nila sa akin?! I stomped my foot in frustration. Tumakbo ako palayo sa kanila. They were yelling at me to come back however I did not even turn back my head once. Tuloy-tuloy akong pumunta sa isang cottage.

Namataan ako ni Coleen dahil agad n'ya ako'ng nilapitan. Bakas sa kan'yang mukha ang pagaalala, sinuri n'ya ako nang mabuti bago manghiram ng tuwalya sa mga nakilala n'ya.

"Pahiram naman ng tuwalya!"

"Coleen! Ito oh," rinig kong aniya. May binato na tuwalya sa kan'ya.

Binalot n'ya sa akin ang isang makapal na tuwalya habang nanginginig ako dahil sa lamig ng gabi. She gently caressed my back to calm me down.

"Bakit ka lumangoy?" tanong ni Coleen. "Hindi ka pa naman naka-swimwear, gaga ka talaga. Okay ka lang ba? Uwi na tayo?"

Dahan-dahan akong tumango.

Giniya ako ni Coleen pabalik sa aming apartment at doon ay agad ako'ng naligo upang maibsan ang panlalamig sa buong katawan.

The trickles of the water from the shower hides my tears. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ako naiiyak. Maybe, I just really wanted them to remember me. Iyon ang isa sa mga huling bilin ko kay Ragh.

At hindi pa rin ako pinagbigyan. Ako pa nga ang nakakaalala. Ako pa rin ang nasasaktan.

"Matutulog ka na ba, Cerenia?" Coleen asked after I got back from the shower.

Tumango naman ako. Halos nanghihina, hindi ko alam kung dahil sa pagod o sa antok. Pinapatuyo ko ang aking sarili gamit ng tuwalya.

"Iiwan na muna kita para makapagpahinga ka. . ." Coleen slowly departed from the room. Sa malamang ay baka bumalik siya sa party, I wanted to refute but my entire body is too dense to even move.

Marahas akong humiga sa kutson na pinahiram sa amin ni Coleen. Pumikit ako at napabuntonghininga. I had to sleep these thoughts away or else I'm going to be clouded by thousand of what ifs that will be left unanswered.

Kinabukasan ay iniwasan ko munang lumabas. Dalawang beses ko na silang nakikita, kapag umabot sa tatlo, pakiramdam ko ay pinaglalaruan na ako ng tadhana. Once was enough and twice already pertains that something is not right.

I decided to study even if we didn't have any school. Kitang-kita ko ang irita sa mukha ni Coleen nang makita akong nakadikit ang mga mata sa aking laptop, nagbabasa tungkol sa mga coral reefs.

"Ano pa na lumipat tayo rito kung magkukulong ka lang din, Cerenia?" Coleen scolded. Hinila n'ya ako mula sa aking upuan ngunit di ako nagpatinag.

"Busy ako," winaksi ko ang kan'yang kamay. "Doon ka na nga."

"Busy ka saan? Sa wala?" Coleen groaned. "Te naman! Uso rin ang magsaya? Kaya nga kita niyaya rito. At paano tayo makakapag-familiarized kung di ka aalis diyan sa pwesto mo?"

I sighed. "Just not now, okay? Siguro kung p'wede ay next week naman?"

Hindi naman mauubos ang tubig sa dagat. Baka rin sa susunod na linggo ay wala na sina Ragh at Merculio rito. They might only be visitors—sana nga talaga. It's only two months but the pain knowing that they exist in the same lifetime as me is torture.

Sana hindi na lang ako nabuhay kung sila pa rin ang makakasama ko. Sana hindi na lang ako nagkaroon ng kaluluwa. Sana di na lang ako nakakaalala. The pain tripled because the more that I dwell onto the fact that I wasn't part of their current memories, the more it sinks that I was the only one hurting.

"Cerenia naman," pagsusumamo n'ya, she leveled herself to me by bending her knees. "I know you don't like going outside. Pero ito na 'yon, hindi ba't mahilig ka sa dagat? You can swim, build a sand castle, or just do whatever you want to enjoy the beach! Sayang ang two months mo kung nandito ka lang sa loob."

I saw the desperation in her eyes and I immediately gave in. Hindi ko rin kasi matiis si Coleen, and she's partly right. Ano pa na sumama ako kung hindi rin pala ako makakapag-relax? Kung hanggang dito ay iniisip ko pa rin ang nangyari noon?

How ironic that the statement alone describes my current life. Paano ko ma-e-enjoy ang buhay ko ngayon kung naaalala ko pa rin ang nakaraan? And the fact that my previous life was a fairytale character makes it worse.

"I'm sorry," I said. "Lalabas na lang ako kung sakali. Bili ka na lang muna ng lunch natin kung sakaling hindi man ako makalabas. Babayaran ko na lang."

She sighed. "Hindi na, huwag mo na bayaran. Ano ba ang gusto mong lunch?"

"Barbeque sana," I replied.

"Inihaw na isda?" she teased and I pursed my lips because of what she implied.

"Subukan mo, gagawin ko rin na inihaw 'yong mga lipstick mo rito."

"Di ka naman mabiro!" aniya. Kinuha n'ya ang kan'yang body bag sa likod ng aming pinto.

"Aalis na muna ako, Cerenia." Coleen said. "Try to take a good walk outside if you want. Ang susi ay nasa likod lang din ng pinto."

Tumango ako roon. Agad din siyang umalis matapos magpaalam. Binalik ko ang atensyon ko sa aking binabasa.

Fairy Tales, according to what I've read before, ends with happy endings. I was supposed to be happy at the end. Pero bakit parang pinagkakait sa akin ito?

I remember that the moment that triggered my memories was reading The Little Mermaid when I was still a child. Hindi ko alam ang tungkol sa buhay ko noon ngunit nang mabasa ko ang kwento tungkol sa isang sirena; the memories clashed like waves in my mind. It created whirlwinds and conceived chaos within me.

I shouldn't have read that book. Pakiramdam ko tuloy ay pinaglalaruan lang ako ng mundo. Pinapamukha sa akin na sa dami ng kwentong may masayang hantungan, sa akin ang nagwakas sa luhaang sukdulan.

Was the character in that fairytale really me?

Eventually, Coleen was right. I got bored because there wasn't a task to do. Kahit mag-aral pa ako nang mag-aral kung wala namang output, I feel like I was not achieving something. I texted her that she won me over, to at least give her the satisfaction that she persuaded me.

Kinuha ko ang susi at saka lumabas. Papalubog na ang araw kaya naman mas malamig na ang simoy ng hangin mula sa dagat. Nilanghap ko ito habang dinadama ang maliliit na bato na sumasagi sa aking paa habang naglalakad ako sa buhangin.

I watched the sunset without fear anymore. Hindi na ako ang sirena noon, maybe my memories was still intact however in this life—I'm sure I'm choosing myself over love. I'm going to be selfish because I have no one else anymore. Coleen will eventually leave me too. Life is better when you know you will eventually be alone in the future. Kapag wala kang attachment sa ibang tao, hindi mo na papahirapan ang sarili mong isipin pa ang kapakanan nila kapag may nangyari sa 'yo.

I learned that the hard way when I lost my sisters. They mourned for me even if it was already years when I turned into a daughter of the air. Kahit pala wala ka na, hindi pa rin nawawala ang presensya mo. People fear oblivion not knowing that as long as a person remembers them, they can live for as long as three hundred years and more. The memories of them are eternal for as long as it is passed to someone else.

In my case, I even became a fairytale.

Napabuntonghininga ako. Pabalik na sana ako ng apartment namin nang makarinig ako ng mga kaluskos sa gilid ng shower room para sa mga maliligo sa dagat. I should have minded my own business but someone was clearly making a sound of pain.

My curiosity grew as I step inside the room. There were noises in the last cubicle. Walang masyadong tao dahil pagabi na kaya naman lalo akong nagtataka.

Hindi kaya ito multo? Kung multo man, bakit naman ako matatakot? E ako nga, naging sirena noon.

I opened to take a look at what is actually happening in the last cubicle.

"Ragh. . ."

I bristled. Napaigtad din ang babaeng nakatalikod sa akin dahil sa biglaang pagbukas ko ng pinto. The girl was in her bikini while Ragh was half naked. Ragh looked over at me, a dark expression plastered on his face. Basa ang kan'yang buhok at ang kan'yang kamay ay nasa bewang ng babae.

I saw them kissing. My heart sank because for some reason — it still hurts. The side of my eyes felt the sting all of the sudden.

The girl shrieked. "Bastos!"

I shed a tear. "S-sorry. . ."

Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ako agad umalis. I was petrified on the spot. It reminded me of Ragh kissing the princess on their wedding day. How everyone felt happy for them as I approached my death.

"Sorry t-talaga. . ." a lone tear fell on my cheek.

Tumalikod na ako at mabilis na lumabas ng banyo na 'yon. I should have never tried to go outside. This was a disaster in the first place. Kailangan ko na umalis dito dahil hindi naman maiiwasan na magkita kami. And I can't always cry every time I see him. It would be weird! It would be unreasonable!

"Sandali!" pahabol na sigaw sa akin. "Sandali lang. . ."

Someone held me on my arm. His grip made me feel like he needed me. His warm touch made me looped once again to the time that I crave for his love.

"Bakit ka umiiyak?" the tranquility in his tone made the side of my eyes felt hot. Bumuhos muli ang aking mga luha.

"Hey. . ." Ragh said softly. "I'm sorry."

Natigilan naman ako at nilingon siya. He looked remorseful, he bit his lower lip as he fixed his soaked hair. Hindi siya makatingin sa akin nang diretso.

"Bakit ka humihingi ng t-tawad?" tanong ko habang pinupunasan ang aking mga luha. "W-wala ka namang ginawa."

"Then why are you crying?"

"T-trip ko lang," I excused. "Feeling mo ba dahil sa 'yo? Bakit? Sino ka ba?"

"Did we. . ." Ragh looked at me, his brows furrowing. "Sorry to say this in a blunt manner but did we fuck?"

Nanglaki ang mga mata ko. "Bastos ka! Hindi!"

"Then why did you cry?" ulit n'ya. "At bakit parang galit na galit ka sa akin?"

"N-naglilihi lang ako. . ."

"Buntis ka?" his mouth formed a quick circle.

"Hindi. . ."

Nangunot ang noo n'ya. A small smile slowly appeared on his face. "You're funny, you know? For some reason, I feel like I know you. . ."

And for some reason too, my eyes warmed once again. My heart burst in hope. He feels like he knows me. . . is it possible? For him to remember me too?

𖠵 ｷ 𖠳