A little pre-note:

This has been the hardest thing for me to write. After reading all your point of views I found myself swinging between extreme viewpoints. Many of you came up with excellent references from prior chapters. Many also came up with the character's point of views and analysis. I had an amazing time venturing into the wild jungle of thoughts. 

Hope this chapter doesn't disappoint any of the readers.

Happy Reading!

Chapter 40 - Tumultuous Outburst

"How could you Anika? How ! " He screamed the latter part of it. She was frightened at his sudden uproar.

"Shivaay I can explain. " she started scared of what was to come. 

"Really? Explain what?" He asked looking at her dejected.

"Explain what you share with this man!" He  almost roared. His nostrils flared and it was evident – the thing did not go down well with him. 

"Shivaay just hear me out. I told you not to read it because - "

"Because, you couldn't, you can't explain. " he completed.

"Listen to me!" She screamed holding his arm. 

He stared at her trying to free his hand but she held on anyway. "That was a time ago. I wasn't in the sanest mind. I was messed up and confused. I didn't know what was wrong between us. I didn't know what lay ahead in life. I was mad, depressed-"

"You wrote every word of this. Every word." He said shaking the letter in his hand.

"Fine, you wrote it when you were not in the right state of mind. Fine. I understand.

But Why is he still in your inbox? Why does he click your pictures and sends them to you saying, "my photography skills are nothing in front of you're pretty smile". Why? How far can you explain that Anika. " he had noticed that  a day back. He couldn't help but check her phone. He was insecure. He was not used to his wife giving attention to any other man except him. He couldn't deal with it, with a mature mind. No matter how well he knew she loved just him; he still wasn't okay with her being friendly with another man. Their love began with friendship. He was scared to let her be friends with anyone else. He didn't want someone to be closer to her than he was. 

"You checked my texts.." She said surprised that he would do something like that. Not that she had a problem but he did it behind her back. 

"I did. Why? Since when did this come between us? We always had access to each other's phone's right? "

"But you did it behind my back Shivaay. You never mentioned it!"

"I don't believe this. You never told a thing to me. Neither about you fainting nor the accident. More importantly nothing about Vishal. Forget about telling me..whatever is between you two...and you .."

"there is nothing! " she said her voice firm. "How would I tell you? Tell me Shivaay. I was a pain in your neck right? "

"I never said that." He said taken aback at the choice of her words.

"But your behavior did. Every time I called - Anika I am busy. Anika I am in a meeting. Anika I can't talk. Hope you understand " her voice was growing venomous and heavy.

"That's because- because I couldn't fall weak. I've said that before. "

"Fine I understand. I am your weakness. Fine. Then why blame me now?"

"Why?" He asked painfully. "This is not what I deserve Anika." He said shaking the letter. "You should have told me about this at least when I was back. "

"Tell you what, that I almost met with an accident about which no one except Vishal knows. Tell you that I fainted in office a fact that only stayed within the office. Do what by telling them. Make you feel bad. I'd never do that!"

"What about Vishal?" He asked his heart burning. He could not take the thought of her liking another man. Even if that was– just friends. 

"If you would have asked I would have told you about him. You never did. And I never felt it was important to tell you about him. There are many things much important than that Shivaay. "

She looked at him defeated. Out of everything she had written there he had held on to just one point. That one point which was her stupidity. Her mindless assumption made when she was a mess. She could not believe out of the world he believed only every stupid word she wrote there in all her insanity. She should have burnt the letter, destroyed it. But she did not - because she wanted it to be there to remind her that never in time could she fall out of love with him, never would she ever let anyone else take his place in her life. To remind her that it was just him. She should have considered throwing it. But somewhere down she was happy she hadn't. He should know what she once felt. What she went through. The streets she took in his absence. Because he knew everything about her and she wanted him to know her shortcomings and stupidity as well. 

"There is nothing like that Shivaay. I was stupid to think it that way. You know I haven't had a male friend... Other than you. I messed it up. I can't differentiate between friendship and love. Because for me both were one – YOU!" Anika said looking into his eyes. She had no where to go if not to him. She had no one to open to if not him. She had always been in a girls school and college after that never had had attention from a guy until Shivaay. Never had friendship with a guy until she met him, her prospective husband.

He stared at her. He was torn into two. One part wanting to embrace her , love her, he had almost lost her. He felt bad for not being with her when she needed him. He couldn't stop thinking of whatever she went through. The fact that even their parents did not know about it worried him more. Why did she not tell them?

But the other part was mad at her. Why did she never understand him. Why didn't she see he had also been through a phase similar to hers? Perhaps worse. He had no one but the thought of going back home to make his family proud. But she had home, family, friends. Everyone.

"So you are justified in.."

"No. I am not saying I was right. In fact I was more guilty than you are mad right now. The guilt is what I wrote this letter with. I was stupid. I din't know myself, didn't understand myself, Shivaay. I was happy before marriage. Thinking my life was the best. Then you happened. I realized the life I had been leading was nothing compared to the one with you. You did everything for me. All of you for me. Me. Me and Me. Pampered, cared, protected, and loved me. You were the best Shivaay. But in the deal. I just started depending on you. Physically, emotionally, mentally in every freaking way I depend on you. I was once independent but no longer. Now I need you for my existence. You have no clue how hard it has been for me without you. At times, I thought I'd go mad. Random thoughts tormented me. What if something happened to you? What if something happened to me. I did not want to die without looking at you. "

He lost his sanity and almost loudly, reprimanded but was cut off. "Anika sh-" what was wrong with her. Why was she speaking that way ? Was she so affected by the accident ? Once  just once she should have mentioned it, things would have maybe been different. But her anger on him didn't let her tell him.

"No listen. It's stupid. Immature. I know. " she said painfully. It twisted his heart. He wanted to tell her it wasn't that, he understood her. But he let her continue. It came out easily, because it had simply been bottled up. Now that the block was released it overflowed. He let it. 

"But you know what– it's the truth. This strong woman, your strong wife is nothing without you. She is strong as long as she has you. As long as she knows, you'll be there to hold her if she falls. As long as she knows if she dies- it will be in your arms. As long as she has her other part." No you" means "no Anika".Do you hear me Shivaay. No Anika!" she was frantically crying. 

Shivaay was defeated yet again. His pain never came out and hers didn't stop overflowing.

"I do. I hear you Anika. But once even once did you think about me? I love you too Anika. As much as you love me. But once...just once have you thought how I survived? "

She stared at him. Her eyes rimmed red from the crying and her expression blank. She was seeing a great wall fall. Not crumble steadily but fall altogether with one hard blow.

"What's happened Anika? " he said sitting on the bed. The letter slipping off his hand and falling to the floor. His voice sounded as though he had lost all hope.

She sat on her knees before him while he sat on the bed. Gently holding his hands. "At first I was mad at myself Shivaay. For even comparing anyone to you. I can never let anyone take your place in my life. I was stupid to think I had things for him. I started avoiding him. Hating him. But Shivaay...he ...was innocent. There was no fault. He had just been there for me. He saved me from the accident. He just genuinely cared for the sake of humanity. I felt so bad for ...

" ...this... " he couldn't speak, his voice was heavy.

"No...it's not that way Shivaay. I was stupid calling friendship something else. You are the only one. Who can make me feel things that happen in love. You ask me why I am shy because with you every moment is new. Every moment is perfect in it's own way. Every moment is a fairy-tale. You are not just everywhere in my heart. You are also in my mind at all times. First to the last thought, is only you. I wouldn't have realised it if Vishal wouldn't have cleared it up. He cleared His stand Shivaay. He knows I love only you. He knows I was upset because you were away. He knows that I love you madly, ever since you've comeback he says I smile a lot. He knows the reason is you. He is happy that you came back. He - "

"Vishal. Cleared things. " Shivaay stared into her eyes.

Anika hated the way he looked. There was doubt in those blue eyes that once held unfathomable oceans of trust. She nodded.

"Anika are you stupid? Or you think I am? "

"Shivaay I don't.."

"Yes you don't Anika. It's really easy for you but for once step into my shoes. Let's assume-" his voice grew pitched and his delirium was evident. It seemed as though he had suddenly become possessed. "Let's assume I wrote this. I had a woman associate and I hugged her because she gave me your vibes. I hanged out with her because I found her exactly like you find Vishal.  She clicked pictures of me and sent them to me with cute captions.  "

Anika pulled her hand away form his " Shivaay this isn't funny. "

"Oh of course not. This is serious. So this woman.."

"Shivaay stop it!" She said getting up disappointed at the way he behaved.

He got up and pulled her closer by her elbow. "No listen. You have to. I want to know. If you'd be okay. If you'd  understand..."

"I would. Because I trust you more than myself!" She shouted. 'You may have whatever with another woman, I know you love me and the respect for our love wouldn't let me doubt you ever. " she said every word clearly looking right into his bluish green eyes.

That did it. His delirium was broken.His confidence in his insecurity drained. He had expected an otherwise answer. But her answer made him feel to small. Her love was much mightier. His defenses were dragged to dirt. His world froze. She loved him so much. Once again he was at the edge - was he worthy of her love? He knew one thing – he was nothing without her. He wanted to love her as strongly as she loved him. Without doubts and selfishness. He wanted to love her the way she loved him. If he was undeserving of her love then he wanted to become deserving. 

"Teach me how to love that strongly Anika. Teach me how to not feel I will lose you. Teach me Anika, because I am not strong. I am a weak man. " his hold loosened, and his eyes were wet. Drops fell from his eyes right down to the carpet as he bent his head looking down. He felt low. She deserved a man who kept her happy and loved her as strongly as she did.

"My Shivaay isn't weak. " she whispered tipping his chin to make him look up.

"No Anika. He's weak." A weak man needs a strong woman. To be his strength. He needed her to complete him. 

"Teach me to love you in a way that you take pride in me. I can't live without you. I love you...maybe madly...but..perhaps not as strongly as you do." He said crying, his trembling hands holding hers. It tore her heart to see him like that. 

She hugged him crying her out. The man was so broken. So defeated. She couldn't believe he was the same man whom everyone saw as a winner. 

Woosh. Longer than I expected. Well, this isn't exactly how it should have gone but it went with the flow.

Waiting for the readers to pull me back to the adventure of analysis.

To clarify a few things– 

⏩I am not on Instagram or Twitter or Facebook. 

⏩You can find me at India Forums with same name. (Quite inactive there though)

Lastly, if any reader has been disappointed in me with this chapter I would welcome your constructive criticism, happily. (I hope I Haven't disappointed any)

-Anami!