chapter twenty two, i hate the way i don't hate you

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Izzy stood in her bathroom, fixing the outfit she had on while Nina sat outside in Izzy's room, laying on the girl's bed skipping through the playlist of songs that was coming from Izzy's laptop.

          The Vera girl was in a really good mood, maybe because it was that she was going to finally get back with Miguel, or maybe because it was the adrenaline she always got when she came out winning. Izzy didn't know, but she felt happy, like everything was going to slowly piece back together after being broken for so long.

Her eyes were on her reflection in the mirror, staring at her arm as she wore a short sleeve shirt which exposed part of the scar Izzy was scared to show. She hated looking at it, because Izzy thought of it as a reminder that she wasn't as strong as she came off to be. But, Izzy knew it was never going to go away, so she had to own it.

A sigh left Izzy's lips as she turned the light off to the bathroom, then stood in the doorway, looking at Nina who was now scrolling through her phone.

"I think I'm going to get back with Miguel tonight." Izzy spoke, watching Nina quickly look up from her phone and sit up in the bed.

Nina looked surprised, but a smile appeared on her lips. "Wait, seriously?" She asked, letting out a relieved breath when Izzy nodded.

"Finally! I convinced myself, and like five other people, that love wasn't real when you two broke up. I was like, if my best friend can't be happy then I can't be happy, and no one can be happy." Nina rambled, shrugging her shoulders.

          A nervous sigh came from Izzy as she walked over to sit on the bed next to Nina. "I think I might tell him that I love him." Izzy told her friend who raised her eyebrows when she heard Izzy's words.

"Do you?" Nina then asked.

Izzy nodded. "I do, I felt like I was on top of the world with him, and–and I hate myself for letting Cobra Kai scare me into breaking up with him." Izzy explained, frowning a little and Nina did as well when she saw Izzy's face soften.

"Well.. tell him exactly that. Trust me, he definitely feels the same. I'm pretty sure he's been in love with you since the beginning." Nina shrugged, but Izzy just laughed at her words.

"I wouldn't say the beginning–"

Nina was quick to cut her best friend off. "There's only one way to find out." She indicated that they had to go to the party, pressing her lips together to form a thin line.

The Vera girl nodded, thankful that Nina was on her side for this, because Izzy desperately needed the moral support. "Let's go," Izzy sighed, the two girls getting up and going to leave the room.

          They ordered an Uber there, both of the girls expecting to consume alcohol at some point, so neither of them wanted to drive. When they got there, teenagers flooded the outside of the complex, tables set up with people playing beer pong at them and Izzy was quick to notice the Diaz apartment door wide open and full of people.

          Izzy underestimated how big of a party this was going to turn out to be, she didn't expect half of the teenage population in the Valley to be here. She assumed word about this party got out beyond the karate dojos. Izzy looked around in hopes of recognizing Miguel in the crowd, but she couldn't find him, let alone anyone else she recognized.

           "Come on," Izzy said to Nina, gesturing her head for the girl to follow her, and Izzy made her way to the front door that people were coming in and out of.

          The apartment wasn't that spacious, so it was a bit overcrowded when Izzy got inside. She couldn't even find a familiar face she could approach, like Miguel. Even Robby, or Hawk, or Sam. Any of her friends. There was faint music playing, but Nina still leaned down so that Izzy could hear her clearly.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Get me a drink!" Nina smiled, but didn't get a few steps away before she thought of something else to say. "Oh, and go find Miguel!"

Izzy nodded, smiling as a response as she watched Nina walk off. A sigh left her lips, looking to the side toward the kitchen and saw various bottles of alcohol sitting there, but then Izzy's gaze shifted when someone walked up to her and recognized Evan's face.

"What are you doing here?" She asked the boy who was walking up to her with his own cup in his hand.

Evan furrowed his eyebrows, confused for a second before he remembered it was about him being here while being in Cobra Kai. Sometimes he forgets that there's a whole rivalry. He only joined karate to show his granddad he could do something that wasn't studying or getting high. An 'oh' sound left his lips when he realized why Izzy was asking him that.

A laugh left his lips as Evan held up the cup in his hand. "Free beer," Evan shrugged.

          Izzy smiled, but then let out a sigh, glancing away to try and find Miguel in the crowd. The last time she was at a party like this, she spent the majority of the night with Miguel, now he seemed to be nowhere in sight. The girl looked back at Evan when she heard him speak up.

          "Oh, congrats on getting qualified for that Sekai Taikai thing. Miyagi-Do seems pretty badass," Evan told the girl.

          A laugh left Izzy's lips as she nodded, "Yeah, it is. It's different from Cobra Kai and it's nice." Izzy confessed, crossing her arms over her chest.

          "LaRusso's a good fighter. Riley needed to be humbled, she's very–"

          Izzy cut him off, "Psychotic?" She asked.

          Evan looked at her for a second, but then he let out a laugh, shaking his head. "I was going to say egotistical, but same thing, right?" He asked with a smile on his lips.

          The girl couldn't help the laugh that left her lips, "Pretty much the same thing." Izzy agreed, but was quick to change the subject. "Hey, have you seen Miguel by any chance?" She asked the boy.

          "Oh, yeah, I swear I just saw him–" Evan looked around to try and find him, Izzy followed his gaze and turned her head to look to the other side of the apartment.

          This time, she finally saw Miguel. But, the smile that was stuck to Izzy's lips quickly faded when she finally saw that he was sitting on the couch kissing another girl.

Izzy froze for a second, feeling like her heart had just gotten ripped out of her chest. She didn't know if she felt angry, or sad, or heartbroken, or all of it mixed into one. But Izzy did know that it hurt. Like, the type of hurt that made you hate yourself and every choice you've made leading up to this very moment.

A part of her felt like she didn't have a reason to be upset, because they weren't together and Izzy couldn't help but assume that he must have moved on quicker than Izzy thought. But a part of her felt pathetic, because she should have expected this—to walk out of this more heartbroken than she imagined she would.

           But then something struck a nerve in Izzy and she quickly turned to look at Evan. "Can you kiss me real quick?" Izzy impulsively asked.

Evan laughed, but then his eyebrows furrowed. "Like.. seriously? Right now? Like just a quick kiss or–"

         Izzy rolled her eyes, acting out of impulse, and leaned up to kiss Evan, feeling him kiss her back. Okay, he wasn't a bad kisser, but it didn't feel right to Izzy. It didn't feel how it would've if she was kissing Miguel, but then again, she was doing this out of spite. If he moved on, she wanted to seem like she has too.

It wasn't a few seconds into the kiss that Izzy could hear someone calling her name and the girl pulled away from Evan, immediately feeling guilty when she looked over to see Miguel looking at her who had stopped kissing the random girl when he heard Izzy's name being called by Robby.

Izzy's eyes shifted to Robby who approached her. "Hey, I didn't know you were here–with him.." Robby trailed off as he stood in front of the girl, looking back at Evan who smiled at the Keene boy.

"What's up?" Evan awkwardly laughed, greeting the boy.

Izzy let out an uneasy sigh, immediately regretting what she had just done. "Uh, I was actually just leaving. Bye." She told the boy, frowning a little bit as she turned to leave before Robby could ask any questions.

          She didn't dare to look over at Miguel, but he was staring at her, and the moment he saw her leave, the boy got to his feet to go after her. Izzy was quick to get away from the crowd of teenagers and her hands were shaking, because of what just happened and how impulsive and stupid Izzy felt in this moment.

          The girl went to go pull out her phone, glaring to the side, but did a double take when she saw Tory and Sam standing just outside of the complex. It quickly escalated, though, because just as Izzy looked over at them, Sam kicked Tory in the abdomen, sending her crashing into the dumpster outside of the complex.

          "Sam!" Izzy called out, quickly making her way over there, everyone else noticed Sam trying to fight Tory and began chanting that there was a fight outside.

          Izzy pushed Sam away from Tory, her eyebrows furrowed as she looked at Sam. "What are you doing?" Izzy asked the LaRusso girl who was breathing heavily, a crowd forming around the scene.

          "She's been working with Kreese this whole time!" Sam snapped at Izzy, and Izzy looked over just as she saw Miguel walk up to them with Robby and Hawk behind him. "Silver paid the ref at the All Valley for Cobra Kai to win." Sam announced.

"What?" She heard Miguel ask, his eyes on Izzy.

          Izzy's mouth fell open as she looked back at Tory who looked apologetic, like she was apologizing for saying something without talking to Izzy about it since they both knew. Izzy looked back over at Sam, but Sam's face dropped when a realization hit her.

"Wait, did you know too?" Sam asked, but Izzy knew she couldn't lie.

Izzy hesitated to answer, looking over at Robby and Miguel, shaking her head as she looked back at Sam. "I–I was going to say something. I–" Izzy stopped herself, feeling her heart race quicken and all of her emotions and thoughts becoming a tornado in her.

"When, Izzy? When were you going to say something?" Sam spat, clearly angry that Izzy kept this from all of them, "And why did you only come forward now?" Sam snapped at Tory, "Because you're a coward."

"You're both cowards." Sam corrected herself, glaring at Izzy who had tears glistening in her eyes.

A scoff left Tory's lips, "Screw you, LaRusso. I knew this was a mistake." Tory shook her head, rushing off to leave and Izzy inhaled a deep breath as Sam sent her a look, then turned to leave as well.

          "Izzy–" Miguel took a step toward her, wanting to talk to her about everything that just happened, but Izzy took a step back as a way to say she didn't want to talk to him right now.

          She didn't say a word to Miguel as Izzy decided to leave too, knowing that there was no point in staying if her entire night was just ruined when Izzy thought it would turn out the opposite. Now Izzy wasn't sure how things would go back to how they used to be.

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           Miguel had tried calling Izzy ten times later that night, but Izzy ignored them, even the one voicemail he had left. She didn't have the energy to listen to it, or respond to the handful of texts from Miguel and Robby as well. Izzy tried not to cry the moment she got home, but when she locked herself in her bedroom, she cried until she fell asleep.

          She seriously hated being a stupid and self-destructive seventeen-year-old, but Izzy didn't really know who she was supposed to be.

Sam texted Izzy that night saying her and a few others from the dojo needed to talk to her the next morning, so Izzy knew it was either going to be actual hell or not as bad as she expects.

Either way, the next morning Izzy walked into the back part of Miyagi-Do trying to control her nerves knowing she would have to face Miguel. But Izzy just wanted to forget like last night ever happened, which meant bottling up the anger and the heartbreak that she was currently feeling.

          A sigh left her lips as she eyed her friends standing in a circle, watching them talk amongst themselves, and didn't notice Izzy enter through the gate. That was until Demetri did and he quickly called out to her.

"Hey, Izzy!" The boy spoke up, gesturing for the girl to stand with them and Izzy hesitantly approached them.

Izzy stood in between Demetri and Hawk, letting out a sigh. "I thought you guys would be mad at me." She shrugged, glaring at Miguel who stood on the other side of Demetri, and the Diaz boy was already looking at her.

"We're not," Sam reassured the girl, her arms crossed over her chest. "We're trying to figure out how to stop Silver before someone else gets hurt, but.. we aren't sure what to do." She explained to the girl.

Izzy nodded, but looked around at the others standing in the small circle. "Well.. I don't really know what went down. Tory was the one that overheard Silver talking about paying to win the All Valley. Maybe.. we could talk to the ref from yesterday?" Izzy suggested.

          Demetri shook his head. "If this ref is on Silver's payroll, he won't admit to anything. Stingray too." Demetri told them, silence filling the air beside the distant birds chirping.

"I'm not so sure about that," Bert spoke up and all eyes shifted to the boy, "I know he's in Cobra Kai and I'm in Eagle Fang, but Stingray's still my friend. He wouldn't lie to me.. at least I hope he wouldn't." Bert explained.

          "You think you can get him to talk?" Hawk asked the other boy who nodded as an answer.

          A sigh left Izzy's mouth before she spoke up, "Find his address. Let's hope he talks." Izzy told Bert specifically, but Hawk and Demetri were on board too, the three boys walking off.

          Sam followed, sharing a look with Izzy and smiled softly at the girl, almost like she was apologizing for how she acted last night. That left Izzy and Miguel alone, but Izzy took a step to go leave, but Miguel stepped to the side to block her from going any farther.

          "Izzy," Miguel stopped her, "Can we talk about last night?" He asked.

          Izzy glared up at him, "I really don't want to do this right now, Miguel. We have other things to worry about." She told him, her eyes set on his as they looked at each other.

"Yeah, but that stuff can wait–"

"So can this conversation." Izzy told him, moving her gaze elsewhere while Miguel kept his eyes on her.

          A sigh coming from Miguel's lips as he chose to not push her to try and talk about it. He was quiet for a moment before he asked the question that had kept him up for the majority of the night.

          "Um, did you.. listen to my voicemail?" Miguel asked her out of curiosity.

          Izzy looked back up at him, but she shook her head. "Uh, no. Why? What did you say?" She questioned.

          Miguel just let out a nervous laugh, refusing to admit what he said in the voicemail to Izzy's face right now. "Nothing. It was just me rambling and being really stupid. I drank last night and.. just don't bother listening to it. You can delete it." Miguel explained, his words coming out fast and anxious.

          The girl just looked at him, but nodded her head. "Yeah, I'll delete it." She told Miguel. "We should go help." Izzy gestured to where the others had gone off to and Miguel was the one to nod this time.

          Before Izzy could walk off, Miguel stopped her once again, "The scar on your arm.. where'd that come from?" Miguel asked her, looking down at the scar that was exposed with the short sleeve Izzy had on.

Izzy glanced down at her arm and sighed, tugging the sleeve lower to try and cover it. "I fell," Izzy muttered, shrugging a little bit as her arms crossed over her chest.

"You fell?" Miguel repeated, not believing the girl, but Izzy glanced back up to look at him. "Was it Cobra Kai?"

          "No–yes. I.."

          "Are you serious?" Miguel got more worried, "Why didn't you tell me? Fuck, Izzy, why aren't you telling me these things? First, your–your hand, then this–"

          "Well, this happened before my hand." Izzy spoke, referring to the scar, but then let out a sigh, "It doesn't matter. I–I'm not telling you these things, because.." She trailed off, not really sure what exactly she should say.

          Miguel furrowed his eyebrows. "Because what?"

          "Because.." Izzy trailed off, she wanted to say because they aren't together, and then tell him she wanted to be, though. But, Izzy didn't say that. "I told you I really don't want to talk about this, so.. can we please do this later?"

          The topic of last night was still fresh in Izzy's mind and it scared Izzy to talk about how she was feeling, especially right now.

Miguel agreed to talking about it later with a nod and muttering a quiet 'yeah, later's fine'. Izzy smiled softly as a response before she turned to walk off to find the rest of the group. Miguel followed her, having no choice but to wait around until Izzy is ready to talk.

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Trying to find Stingray's address took longer than expected, even with Demetri's help, and they were stuck at Miyagi-Do longer than they intended to be. The sun was beginning to set as Izzy sat outside while everyone sat inside, the girl contemplating when she was going to talk to Miguel, and what she was going to tell him.

She had her phone in her hands, suddenly remembering Miguel's voicemail and him asking her to delete it. Izzy unlocked her phone and went to her voicemails, seeing Miguel's message sitting there that hasn't been touched.

Izzy turned to look to her side toward the building of the dojo where everyone else was, then Izzy looked back down at her phone and pressed the voicemail. Instead of deleting it, though, Izzy let out a shaky breath and pressed the play button then held the phone up to her ear.

Her eyes stared off at random places as her mind concentrated on Miguel's voice that spoke in the recording, trying to listen and process what he seemed to be embarrassed about that made him want Izzy to just delete it.

          "Hey, Izzy. It's–It's Miguel. Obviously, you have my number saved.. at least I hope you still do. I know all of my calls and texts were probably annoying, but– please call me back. We need to talk, but I just need you to know I–I didn't even know that girl. She wasn't you. No one could ever be you. Hawk was just trying to– god, it doesn't even matter. I haven't moved on, okay? If that's what you thought. I don't think I ever could, but I.. I saw you kissing Ezra? Evan? Whatever, who cares? I mean, I care–that's why I really need to talk to you. I don't want you to be with anyone else. I don't want to be with anyone else, because it's you, Izzy. It'll always be you, because I—"

          "Hey!" A sudden voice calling out to Izzy made her jump, dropping her phone in the grass before she could finish listening to the voicemail.

          Izzy looked over, seeing Sam walking up to the girl who sat outside. "We got Stingray's address. Come on!" Sam told the other girl.

          Izzy took a deep breath in and out before she picked up her phone and shut it off, stuffing it in her back pocket when she stood up. "I'm coming," Izzy reassured the LaRusso girl.

          When Izzy approached Sam, the girl furrowed her eyebrows when she noticed how shaken up Izzy seemed to be. "Hey, are you alright?" Sam questioned, the two of them walking back to where the others were waiting for them.

          A smile appeared on Izzy's lips as she nodded, "I'm alright. Let's go do this." She said to the other girl.

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authors note.
when izzy's coping mechanism is being self destructive 💔

that voicemail had me bawling and miguel doesn't even know she listened to it ugh

i have two ways i could end this book and i'm not sure which one i'm doing, but it's either going to hurt in a very good way or a very bad way

( gif made by saevrz )