3.30.537

The sound of plates and footsteps echoed through the mansion. Everyone was busy; counters were cluttered with food.
Cecelia handed me a potato and ordered me to peel it.

Eager to be productive, I dropped the shavings into a bowl as she ordered. Grace, another maid of ours stood next to me, doing her own part in the process. When I was done skinning, I placed the potatoes onto her plate so she could dice them down. The routine was relaxing, despite the cacophony of pans being maneuvered around us. Operatic music played lightly in the background; violins in sync with everyone's movement.
I didn't want to think about my reasons for being here. I wanted to forget everything, to subside my own condemns. I tried all other roads to get around my responsibility, but Roland was steadfast on his decision. This was my only option to get some peace.

Another maid came up behind, and placed another tray of potatoes in front of me. "Keep up the good work Kiyo." She said, before bumping her way over to the oven.

"Kaur!" Cecelia called, "I need you to go help Boa dress and season the meat. We need it to be presentable."

"Yes ma'am." I answered, placing down my work. I hurried to the other side of the kitchen, where Boa prepped me on how to tenderize steak. He handed me a mallet, and told me to hit it until it felt "soft as a baby". I looked at him skeptically, before I started battering the meat. We had to go through ten or so portions until we could move on, and soon my forearm was beginning to ache.
Once the steaks were alleviated, we marinated them in a special sauce, composed of red wine, soy sauce, lemon juice, Worcestershire sauce, and some other ingredients that were labeled "secret".

We placed them into a pan before wrapping them in saran wrap, then stuffed them in the fridge.

"Good job Kaur. I think we're good for now," Boa congratulated, "Thanks."

"You're welcome." I smiled.

"I have more work for you!" Cecelia sang, appearing suddenly with a fresh apron. He placed it on me, and watched me cleans my hands repetitively in the sink. She said I couldn't have a single residue on my hands for this new work. I sighed, but didn't object to her activities.

Cecelia and I swept the dining room ourselves. This was her favorite part of her job. She said decorating was an art that needed to be taken delicately and precisely. We cleaned the long table twice before she felt content enough to place the lace table cloth. She then placed down some matching table matts under the plates, cups, candles and embroidered vases, which were filled with various flowers. She had me place refined quartz pieces around each vase, to add an elegant touch. The chairs were decorated with white chiffon, tied as a ribbon in the back.

Then we set the gold trim plates, and then the silverware, too which she slapped my hand with a spoon whenever I set the order incorrectly. After the cups, and wine glasses, and napkins were all said and done, she stood back and pulled me by my sleeve.
"What a beautiful sight." She sighed.

"You've done a masterpiece Cecelia." I smiled.

"Oh Kaur." She bloomed, touching my cheek, "Thank you."

I nodded my head and held her hand to my face, "You're welcome Mrs. Cecelia."

"You're such a good boy," She continued, giving a lipstick covered kiss to my forehead. "Now! Lets go get a whip of that dessert. Come, come, come." She rushed, pushing me back into the kitchen.

The other maids continued setting the food, while Cecelia and I sat at the island counter enjoying a slice of cheesecake. She watched me, her grin faint as whatever it was pondering on her mind. As I took a sip of strawberry milk, she grabbed my other hand.

"Kaur, I want to talk to you about tonight." She began.

"What about it?"

"I want you to know you're a very special boy, Kaur," She addressed, "Don't let other people's feelings tear you down. Your father isn't the brightest man. Matter of fact sometimes I wonder how he even works in the Capital. But he's trying his best. It may not be the best decision, but he's trying."

"I know that Cecelia. Its just...It's like he doesn't even really care about how I feel."

"Have you told him?"

"No. But I don't want to talk to him about it either."

"You have to speak up eventually Kaur. Holding all that pain and anger inside," she poked her finger at my chest, "Is going to tear you up. Trust me. Listen to Mrs.Cecelia."

"I know, I know." I chimed in. I brushed my hand through my hair and sighed. She waited on me to spill out more. "I just want to be accepted by my-"

"Kaur?"

We both turned to face the doorway. Roland stood in his best clothes, his expression vague. I wasn't sure if he overheard.

"Yes?" I hesitated.

"I hate to interrupt you, but the guests are on their way. Cecelia can finish checking over the preparations on her own." He interjected. I looked towards Cecelia with a face of despondence. She tried to comfort me with a smile, but I couldn't find it in my heart to take it. I got up from my stool, and walked bitterly towards the hallway.
Roland shot his arm out before I could get past, and wrapped it around my shoulders.

"I just want to apologize, again, for what I've done." He stressed.

I didn't reply. I brushed his arm away and treaded forward. I didn't care to see his expression when I rejected him. I was timid, and overall just done with this occasion. I went back up to my room, slamming my door behind me. I placed on my headphones, and laid in my bed. All was quiet on the second level, besides for the sound of my brothers and sisters heading downstairs.

***

I crouched at the top of the stairs, watching them greet the Sinclairs. A mother, a father, a housekeeper and seven children, ranging from the ages of twenty-three to twelve. They all shook hands, and made their hellos.

I made sure I was out of sight, just good enough where I could get a view of the lobby. I heard them speaking, and one of them noticed Roland was short of having nine children.

"He's sick with the flu." He said, gesturing them to the dinning room. The mother gasped and spoke in awes, showing her sympathy for my apparent "flu". The children teased each other, and already they were conversation with my own foster siblings.

They all looked so happy.

I've never spoken to another outside child before...

One of the children, I believed to be named Zach looked up the steps. He had black hair that was a little past his ears and green eyes. He looked to be my age, if not older. It was too late for me to duck back into the room. We just stared at each other for a long time. Least it seemed as such. Eventually he turned away to follow his parents into the dining room as if it were nothing.

I retreated back into my room. No sure on how to feel in that interaction. I sat by my door, listening to them chatter downstairs. The longer I sat, the more envy that boiled in my ribs.

I need to get some air. I thought.

I opened my door, and looked down both hallways. I began to tread to the stairs, trying to be as quiet as possible. I went to the back of the house, to the sun porch which opened up the the woods on the side of our home.
It was dark, but there was still a bit of sunlight out. There was still time left before curfew, so I decided to take the trail down to the kennels.

Roland loves shepherds. He made it a custom to have at least seven. They stayed out in the barn, which was renovated into a large, modern kennel with some features similar to that of a home. He wanted us to be able to spend time out there comfortably, or even the night if granted. The barn doors closed at sunset, otherwise the dogs were open to free range.

We used to keep some of them indoors.

But due to certain circumstances, we stopped.

I grabbed the key from under the camouflaged key-rock, and unlocked the entrance. Turning on the lights, the dogs began barking excitedly against their cages. I greeted them all by name: Duke, Ferma, Ledric, Deja, Haustin, and the youngest shepherd, Jerman. I walked past them all, placing my hand against their fences so they could acquaint me.

I paused when I got to Jermans; a cold hostility brushing over me. I ignored his whimpers and walked away without touching him. I went back up the cage, and decided to let out Ledric.
He came running out, pacing around the kennel and hay. I crouched down on my knees and allowed him to embrace me. His nuzzle ran across my face, his leg beating against my chest.

"That's a good boy Ledric." I praised. He responded with more affection and then stood at my attention.

"Now sit." I ordered. Ledric sat and perked his ears in my direction. "Now lay." I said. Ledric laid down, and I ordered him to stay as I retrieved a treat out of one of the drawers. He ate it gleefully, and then stood at attentive for more.
I had him do a few more tricks, before someone knock at the barn door. I dropped the treats and turned around.

Zach.

"Hey, uhm..." He hesitated, "I saw you when I was in the lobby."

I paused and looked down at Ledric, who was chomping down the fallen treats at my feet. I yelled no, and pulled him back by his collar. I could hear Zach chuckling at the door.

"Is there something you want?" I asked, my voice unintentionally bitter.

"No. I just wanted to say hi. Aren't you supposed to be sick?"

"Yeah." I huffed, picking up the pieces of treat off the floor.
He walked over and crouched down on the floor next to me. "So, your name is-"

"Kaur."

"Kaur. Awesome. You already know mine?"

"Zach..Zach Sinclair right?"

"Yeah," He grinned, "Did Roland prep you on our introduction?"

"No. I just overhead." I admitted.

"So you were upstairs hiding." He gleamed.

"I wasn't hiding."

"Sure you weren't," He smiled, standing up. He placed his handful of treats back into the bag, and handed it to me. Then he started walking over to the kennels, "Cute dogs."

"Not as cute as they are aggressive." I cautioned.

"Hunters?"

"More for guarding." I corrected. I called Ledric to my side and stroked down his mane. "Not to sound to rash, but I'd rather you not pet them while they're in their kennels. That's their feeding ground." I added.

"Oh no, it's fine." He asserted, "I understand."

Zach petted Ledric, and continued talking on another subject. It was a bit awkward, and sometimes I didn't know how to respond to him. I explained to him how I've never been to a public school, a game, a party, or an outing. I've never gone body boarding, or played pool. He found this all to be completely unbelievable, and I frowned out of embarrassment.

"It's fine," He smiled, "I just find that absurd."

"Yeah." I muttered.

"I can teach you how to body board."

"Oh no," I stammered, "Roland would never allow it. He'd kill me just for talking to you right now if he knew."

"You're not allowed to talk to other people?"

"No." I confessed.

"Is the flu that contagious?" He laughed.

"Uh. No," I hesitated, "I just have a weak immune system. He doesn't want me getting sick from other people. No offense."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

Zach studied me disconcertingly. He sensed something was strange with me, but he didn't seem to push for the answer. Instead he grinned, and asked, "You gunnah show me some of your dog's cool tricks or?"

"Oh. Yeah, sure." I nodded. I stood up and prepared Ledric to perform some more behaviors again. Zach cheered whenever he succeeded, and after awhile, I even allowed him to bring out Ferma to train himself.

We played catch with both dogs, tossing tennis balls across the barn for them to run. We played tug of war with one of the toys, to which Ferma completely desolated in a matter of minutes. Then we played tag, the dogs against me and Zach.
I learned Zach was exceptionally fast. But I of course, ran out of breath shortly after making a second round around the barn. I leaned against my knees and coughed. It echoed against the walls; the sound distressing and uncomfortable. Zach came up to me and patted my back, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, really." I insisted. I drew a few more haggard breaths before standing upright. He watched me worriedly, but quickly put it aside to ensure the mood didn't die off.

As we cooled off, he continued to talk to me, keeping my mind at ease. There was never a second of silence between us, despite my enclosure. I could tell that Zach and I were going to be good friends. It will be the first time I could actually say I have a friend outside of home. The thought of that froze a smile upon my face, and Zach's as well. I knew he wasn't doing this out of sympathy. He enjoyed my company.

I took water from the hose, some for ourselves and some for the dogs. I was turning off the faucet when he called, "Hey Kaur?"

"Yeah?"

"Your brothers are in Shura right?"

I paused, then answered, "Yeah, why?"

"So are mine."

"Oh?" I said, as if it were unexpected.

"I plan to join next year as well. I've already done recruit training," He continued, "I was wondering if you're going to join too?"

I glared at the barn door, thinking it over. Joining was something I couldn't imagine myself doing. I always thought of myself somehow escaping this confinement or being caught for dead. I bit my lip, wondering how to make a decision without revealing my weakness. Joining SHURA was something as being close to godlyness. If I didn't at least try, would that be submission to my illness?

No, I thought, I've fought my whole life to not be weak.

"I mean, if we join together, least we'll be together right?" He added, "You'll have someone thete relateable."

"Yeah," I breathed, "That does sound nice, huh?"

"And we could travel and be put on tasks anywhere we wanted to." He gleamed, as if he were right there already.

Travel?

Traveling outside Tara seemed something of a death wish. If there was truly nothing out there worth colonizing, I could imagine resources weren't obtainable there either. From what Silas tells me, the outside world is boundless and habitation is possible. Unfortunately he, Cale, Julian, and even Roland weren't openly allowed to share or speak positively of other counties or societies. Tara's government had much egotism for it's own glory, jealousy even. Making conversations that may disregard patriotism and loyalty to the throne was a dangerous one. Most of what was heard and taught by our leaders and teachers, was of the damages done after the wars and the downfalls of other countries.

Even still, with little possibility of me interacting with anyone outside of our estate, Silas and Roland periodically gave me insight and new perspective.

I bet Zach's brothers do the same, I thought to myself.

"So we're joining?" Zach asked, looking at me with optimistic eyes.

He's serious, I thought to myself. Why was he so straight forward? So trusting of me? I barely knew him, and yet we were talking of joining the military together.

"Uh..I d-"

Suddenly I heard a yell come from the house. We both sat up and looked towards the entrance. I realized we've been out till dark. "Shit." I cursed, getting up to lock Ferma and Ledric back in their kennels.

"I think that's my parents." Zach spoke, listening to their calls.

"And Roland." I dismayed.

"You're going to get in trouble?" He asked, brushing off the hay.

"I'm not supposed to be outside."

"We should run back inside then." He suggested.

"I don't...I don't think I can." I breathed heavilt, estimating my strength.

"Well I'm not leaving you. That'll be worse."

"Maybe we can go through the patio door to get inside. Nobody should see us if we go through yhe dark."

"Let's try." Zach asserted. I nodded and headed to the entrance of the barn. I could see more than just Zach's parents and Roland outside. The maids were out searching as well, and Silas and Julian. I grabbed a flashlight from the drawer, and began heading towards the side of the house. Zach followed closely, keeping pace with me as I struggled to make head.

As slipped back inside the house, Zach gave me an apprehensive look as we stumbled into the kitchen.

"Hey. This isn't the last time we'll see each other," He smirked, "Don't look so worried."

"Yeah. Speak for yourself." I muttered, "We should go to the living room."

"I'm sure he won't be too mad?"

"You don't know my father." I breathed.

Even me leaving the mansion was a reason to be concerned.

But being alone with one of the guests was something to fear.

I think of myself as responsible enough to not let my personal feelings intrude on the lifestyle I'm playing. I knew not to be open about my opinion of Tara with outsiders, and keep my secrets to myself.
But even with such lessons being taught over and over again, having conversation with an outsider was one of Roland's nightmares.

Was he afraid of being framed a traitor or me catching germs by one of them?

The difference was hard to tell.

I guided Zach to the living room where we sat down. The lights and television were still on,  as if they'd just left.

I was still catching my breath.

Zach was about to place his hand on my back but hesitated.

"It's alright." I mumbled.

"I know, I just didn't want to cross any boundaries."

"Thanks for the consideration."

"I'll get you water." He stammered, rising up from the couch.

Just as he was about to head though the threshold Roland came through the door, his face contorted in a rage I've never seen before. It struck fear in me, and I stood to take a few steps away from him. He took long strides towards me, "Where were you two?"

"I'm sorry-" I started, but he wouldn't let me finish. He grabbed me by my forearm, and forcefully tugged me near him.

Suddenly I felt the full mark of his hand spring across my face. I blanked out; pain and mortification swelling over my body. If he wasn't holding my arm, I was sure I would've fell to the ground.

"I told you to stay upstairs!" He scolded, "I told you to do one simple task Kaur, and you disobeyed me. You think you can just break my rules? Is that it? Answer me! You think I'm impuissant? Is that what it is?"

"Dad-"

"Silence!"

"I'm sor-"

"I said shut your mouth!" He scowled, raising his hand again above my face. I coward downwards, shielding my face with my free hand. I trembled to the scorch of his wrath; palms still burning on my cheeks.

"Roland." Silas called.

Roland turned his head to look in his direction. Silas stood by the entry way, watching me. He didn't reply, but I could see his eyes pleading for my sake. I could sense by Rolands expression that this punishment wouldn't end here. He let go of me, and allowed me to coward towards the ground.
Zach's parents came in the room worried, even disapointed maybe, but not a hint of anger showed in their voices. Zach's eyes kept tracing back to me. He knew I was getting more than what I deserved.

My family apologized to the Sinclairs, and thought of it as a lesson needed to be learned. After they took Zach home, I was under the mercy of Roland. He made me sit in the White Room, lecturing me, making hand gestures that caused me to jolt back. He interrogated me, demanding I tell him everything I said to Zach.

"What questions did he ask?"
"Did he see your arms?"
"What were you doing out there?"

I tried my best to answer everything without getting hit. After he was done, he sent me to my room without dinner. I managed to hold back tears during most of the interval. I was too disgraceful to feel anything but humiliation, and self hatred. I trembled to my bed, wishing I could disappear forever.

He's ashamed of me, I began.

He's ashamed for the world to see his son.

Why even let me exist to this point?

It wasn't just the fact I had gone outside. It was more than that, more than just me being sick...

Never had I thought I would be beaten for being seen...

For making contact with someone...