
Chapter 3: Perplexity
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Today the sky turned into ashes.
Storms birthed from the aftermaths of war came down like a steel blanket over our world. I sat in the living room, watching the debris fall down like snow. It was a vivid reminder of our past.
Would it ever stop returning?
No one knew, and no one cared. The only place that remained clean was the Capital estate, the place where the Elites reside. Just a shimmer of their ethereal castle could be seen from the distance. Untouched by filth and impureness.
Something about that fact made me fear it.
Yet, it was something we should all strive to be...
But why set the world on standards so impossible.
"So, who's going to help me first?"
I sat up, suddenly broken out of my thoughts. I barely noticed I wasn't the only one in the room. Yonic, Soren as well as Roy had all arrived home from school and were working on the sofas next to me.
"Help with what?" Soren asked, looking up from his laptop.
"With homework obviously."
"The teacher basically explained everything in class today. It's literally easier than learning the alphabet. Didn't you pay attention?
"I blanked out on accident."
"Blanked out?" Yonic intervened, taking a seat.
"Yeah. I just couldn't really focus in today."
"Why am I not surprised?"
"I didn't ask for your input Yonic." Roy snapped, turning to his book, "I didn't even ask you for help."
"Awe I'm sorry," Yonic scoffed, "I thought you knew that you were stupid-"
"Would you two knock it off already?" I broke in. They both stopped and glowered at me, as if I'd been the one offending. I didn't enjoy coming off so crossly, but the repetitive arguments began to hurt my head.
Yonic turned and resided further away from us, not facing either me or Roy.
Roy hushed and began working on his own.
A glimpse of jealousy haunted me whenever they spoke of school. I've been homeschooled most of my life, ever since the day I became sick. Every morning when the house becomes empty, I sit in silence alone, wishing that for once I could be accepted by society as one of their own.
But that would never happen..
It was too big of a risk.
But what If I could go to school?
What would I even do?
These were some of the few questions I would never recieve answers for.
I knit my brow and sighed in vexation.
I lowered my eyes back to the book I had placed in my lap, already having lost my place from thinking too much. A few unwarranted pages had skipped backwards, leaving me to skim to find which paragraph I was on.
I heard Roland's foosteps come down the stairs. He had a tablet in his hand; his face was stern. He took no time to prowl in what we were doing. He stood in the middle of the room, "An announcement please." He started.
Everyone stopped and sat their belongings down, staring attentively towards him. Cale came and leaned on the doorway, matching our eager expression. Julian and Silas were finally home as well, leaving only Leean and Isabelle as the missing members.
For his age, Roland looked youthful, like a man in his early twenties. He barely had any wrinkles on his face, and blemishes were rare.
In reality, he was much older. If you had the money, you could live for centuries. But money wasn't a factor for this. His hair was voluminous, and like all capital nobles, it was grown past his shoulders. He had this tranquil, yet intimidating expression, that at first greeting could cause a person to feel uneasy. He was utterly ascendant. It was no guess why the Elites took notice of him.
He crossed his arms and looked at all of us, studying directly in our eyes. "We'll be having guests over next week."
We all took a second to glance around the room. A guest was a rarity, not only because of me, but because Roland had a strong disregard for upper class people. Our family in particular wasn't necessarily a norm, unlike the other households, we were strongly diverse and free under Roland's guide. Though we were still strictly raised, we weren't pushed to be patriotic or loyal to one single ideology. Sometimes though, oppositional morality could draw a bad image. Outside our home, our behavior couldn't reflect on how we felt inside. We had to be silent, unaware and loyal.
"I expect all of you to be on your best behavior," He continued, "They're nobles; The Sinclair household. You're all familiar with them aren't you?"
"Whats the occasion?" Julian queried, looking rather suspicious.
"Just a formality. I will be collaborating with William this month on a work project, and he's the head of the house. This is strictly on the bounds of tradition, and Ladon insisted. It'll also help with getting familiar with their side of the home."
"Okay?" Yonic commented, "So we just dress up and have dinner?"
"We'll be interacting afterwards as well."
"So family time," Julian grumbled, "Great."
"Don't embarrass yourselves. Act proper. I'm expecting nothing less than your absolute best behavior this week. I want your rooms spotless, and your chores done as soon as you get home from all your occupations."
"Jeez," Julian muttered, "anything
else?"
"No smoking Julian."
"Are you serious?" He demurred.
"And no drinking at all this week...And keep your political and humanist views to yourself. "
"Oh," Silas mumbled, "Okay so be the sheep and not the wolf. Anything else?"
"Kaur." Roland paused, looking into my eyes. I felt my pulse run cold. I knew what he was going to say. "I'm sorry." He whispered.
I looked down, nodding my head slowly in cooperation. It hurt, but I won't disobey him. There's a reason for everything.
"You can't be serious?" Silas intervened.
"No," Roland corrected, "I'm very serious."
"He's part of this family too Roland."
"Of course he is. But he won't be downstairs around others. He just isn't ready for that type of interaction."
"What is he? A pet? He's able to introduce and behave himself. He knows how to socialize and have self control. He can do this."
"I'm not taking any chances."
"You don't trust him?"
"It shouldn't matter. I set specific rules for specific reasons Silas. Whether he has control or not isn't of the question. He's sick. Just one little mistake-"
"I've been around him since he was born. We all have. For sixteen years none of us have gotten sick. You're taking responsibility and turning it into ignorance," Silas argued, then paused and gazed at me,"Plus I should be able to decide what's appropriate for my brother."
"No. You don't get to decide because I'm still his guardian, and yours as well."
"Exactly, and that's all you are. A guardian that provides the least of his needs. Kiyo needs a father, and you're not him."
I shook my head. Silas was still trying to establish his parenting role in my life. Not that I disagreed with it. He was as much of a father to me as he was my brother. The only difficulty was he couldn't supply for all my needs, nor could he provide for my ailment. I'm was sure that that was the only roadblock keeping him from taking me away from Roland.
"You don't have the time to be making decisions about anything. "
"And you do?" Silas challenged "Last I checked you're only around when Kaur gets sick."
"I've got a responsibility to provide for this family and keep him safe. You think my job isn't demanding?"
"And I have to spend four months out on duty, while trying to keep my brother from being isolated," Silas scorned, "I swear Roland, sometimes I believe you're trying to keep the world safe from him and not the other way around. Are you trying to keep them locked out or keep him locked in?"
"I'm not trying to imprison or punish him Silas," Roland retorted, "You need to understand that Kiyo is a child. We need to learn from our mistakes, and take precautions. This is not me subjecting him to a cage-"
"So what you're going to shield him up away forever? He's sixteen. Sixteen Roland. You won't leave the house, not even with me. That's insane and illogical. That's not parenting. He's not a convict."
"Would you prefer if he was? This is a privilege. I'm trying to give him the best life I can."
"So now it's a privilege for Kiyo to have a family?" Silas muttered.
Everyone else watched, eyeing both of them with troubled eyes. The atmosphere felt discommodious and cramped. After a second, everyone gulped down their anxiety, and looked my direction. Silas studied Roland gravely, waiting for a reply. His eyes were dark and burning with degradation.
"You know for a fact that's not how it is." Roland breathed.
"You're a liar."
"And you're out of line-"
"I've been out of line from the start. You didn't grow up next to him like I did. You didn't lose things like I have."
"I've put myself at a greater cost trying to make ends meet with you. I've lost too. Do you know what will happen if they even get a hint Kaur is a-"
"So you're telling me to get over it? Is that what you're saying? Move on because you've gone through shit too? You don't know what road I walk either Roland."
"No, I'm not rushing you to forget Silas. I know your situation is difficult to overcome and takes time to stabilize. I'm not comparing your tragedy to mine either, we both are two people experiencing different lives. But your mother didn't go through hell just to see you waste your life on the past. Your ignorance and obnoxious behavior will keep you wandering on that very road for the rest of your life."
"You don't know shit about my mother," Silas growled, "Don't you dare try and tell me what she wanted."
"I've known her better for the years than you have Silas. I'm only being honest."
"You just love claiming that don't you. You're full of crap you know that?" Silas countered, "You don't know my mother like I do. I lived with her, and loved her until she didn't even who she was. You never witnessed her downfall. You didn't even take care of her, or my brother when she was sick. She couldn't even stay conscious for more than a few hours a day.
"I had to provide for us. I had to feed him, and bathe him, and put him to bed and protect him from her. You don't know how terrifying it is being too young to understand parenting roles, while carrying the responsibility of keeping your baby brother from starving to death. What do you know? You never called her. You never visited. You left her to suffer after my father's absence."
"I underst-"
"How about you go fuck yourself!" Silas cursed, shoving past Roland. I gasped and stood up, watching the scene end with a broken heart. Without a single word, Silas disappeared through the hallway to the lobby. His departure left the room frozen in shock.
Roland took a deep breath, and rubbed his hands together. It was a gesture he does whenever he's upset. Everything seemed foggy; a cloud of anxiety surrounding us.
"I'm sorry-" Julian started.
"Don't bother. Just go please." Roland ordered, impatiently pointing them to the exit. Julian gestured for the others to follow, except for me. He shot me an apprehensive look before exiting the room.
I knew what was coming, and I wished I could avoid it as well.
Once their footsteps disappeared, Roland came and placed his hand on my shoulder, guiding me to sit down on the sofa.
He feignly studied the TV, wondering how to confront me about the situation. He deemed it necessary to shield me as much as possible from the outside world. He didn't need to explain why. I still suffered from the scar I inflicted on him. The sin never vanished from my mind, no matter how many times he's told me it's not my fault. Thinking about my destruction instinctively made me bow my head in shame. "I'm sorry."
He gazed at me, his pale orchid eyes caring and gentle. "I should be the one apologizing," He spoke softly, "I don't want you to think I'm trying to lock you away. I just want to keep you safe."
"I shouldn't had looked so disappointed. "
He frowned in remorse, "You have a right to show emotions Kiyo. Why you're upset shouldn't even be in question. I should've suggested something less isolating. I don't want to separate you from the family. But you understand why I'm worried don't you?"
"Because of what I've done." I whispered.
"No," He stopped quickly, "No, its not because of that."
"Yes it is."
"I'm not holding you accountable."
"Then what are you holding on to?"
"Nothing. You're my son. Whatever happened in the past doesn't matter. I still love you none the less."
"How can you say that yet keep me hidden away in shame." I disdained, looking away from him.
"I'm not ashamed of you."
"But everyone else is. Everyone feels distant when I'm sitting there, on the couch in the white room. Everyone treats me as if I'm weak, sympathizing me as if I'm helpless instead of treating me like an equal. The room is meaningless, and I hate it. "
"Kaur, stop."
"No you stop." I snapped. I felt my muscle quake as I glowered at him. Weight levied on my chest. I was struck with faint nausea.
"You need to calm down." He whispered, slowly touching my back. I lowered my face into my hands; fire was building up in my lungs. My bones were aching; sharp pains stabbing my muscles.
He was right.
I needed to calm myself
He reached out, trying to wrap his arms around me. I pushed him away in resent, and distanced myself out the room. I could hear my heart beating against its cage, my anger overwhelming the medication. I stopped and sat on the staircases, patiently waiting for the symptoms to end. I was too fatigued to go far now, I needed to wait.
***
After what felt like an hour, I took in a deep restless breath, and walked to the west end of the house. Roy was standing on the balcony view where the sea greeted the estate. The air was warm and humid outside, just comfortable enough to relax in.
"Done talking with the ol' man?" He sneered.
"Yeah."
"That's Roland for ya. Always talking."
"I guess."
"I'm sorry you had to be the odd man out. I'm sure it won't even be that great."
"Are you really?" I dared, "Don't apologize if you don't mean it."
"Hey, don't get all irritated with me. I did mean it."
"Whatever." I disclosed.
We didn't discuss any further into it. I leaned against the black railing, letting my arm dangle off the side. The sun was now set high in sky, and the fog from earlier had long disappeared from view. I allowed the light to touch my face, the warmth of the sun like hands, tracing my face.
Roy sat in one of the lounge chairs behind me, watching me while tossing a ball from his hand. Along the shore Silas was sitting on the tide breaker, watching the salty waters splash over the rocks.
He stared unwavering at the boundless horizons. He looked frozen as a statue, only his hair motioned to his surroundings.
It wasn't the time to bother him. Being alone was the only way he could gather himself. Not that he had any power to use it to his advantage.
Tap. Tap.
I lifted my head and turned behind me. Roy had quietly made his way over and stood beside me, following my eyes to the black haired figure below. I could hear him sigh as he studied Silas' gloomy presence.
"Sucks." He muttered.
"Yeah." I agreed.
We stayed quiet for several minutes, watching him pointlessly.
My eyes became swept away by the reflection of the waves, a vortex of waves and light.
By the time I became aware again, the sun had descended back into the earth. The ocean blackened its waters to an orange and red hue.
It was particularly relaxing today, never-minding earlier. Just one of those days where you want to be away from the indoors. The stars were alive and bright, like spirits dancing in the nether. It looked even better when Julian ignited the fire-pit, making the whole west end of the house appear to glow. Yonic came out of his room at one point, and stood on his second floor balcony. He exchanged a few loud words before noting he would join us shortly.
Only a few stranded clouds drifted over us, leaving the sky in full view. The sea was endlessly playing it's gentle serenade. It's arms reached onto the shore, grasping the foam edge. In the horizon, I could see a red light shining against the black sky faintly behind district four's wall. I stared at it, thinking of it indifferently. But as soon as I realized what it was, I felt a sick churn in my stomach.
The rioters.
The sky was alight with flames. The chaos had begun without warning. District five lingered with a crowd of black smoke, even noticeable in the debths of night. Houses neglected for decades crumbled against the elements. Rusted cars engraved in liquid asphalt.
We all knew about it.
District five was supposed to be rendered inhabitable, but people still tried to live there. They rioted and faught against military law, as the Capital tried hunt them out like mice. They could be lower class citizens, homeless convicts, or simply untouchables, the decriminalized who are hunted and burned alive by simply being a "possible liability". But whether the label "possible" was earnest or not, the poor had to fear for their lives, and choose hell over the wrath of the Elites.
The capital didn't hold false charges against the poor accountable to the authorities. Their patriotism ran deeper than blood. The poor were given no more rights than a pest. If they died, it was coined as "collateral damage" for protecting the lives of upper class citizens.
It wasn't always this harsh for them though.
It was all due to the fear of starvation, speculations that in the next few decades, there might not be enough resources to supply the growing upper class. After the rebellion that followed the disbanding of the United Research Embassy, more hatred and civil war fluroished. With such discrimination and favoritism coming from the government, much of district five residents demanded sovereignty and buisnesses withheld selling and trading with the other districts.
From that conclusion, Terra used force, and force resulted in destruction, destruction turned into more rebllion and so forth.
That's what life was for the poor.
"We should be locking down soon." Julian said, his eyes following my direction to the flames.
"Just a little longer." I muttered. I couldn't keep my eyes off of it.
"You know Roland wouldn't want us watching this." Julian urged.
"Wait...I have a question."
"Yeah?"
"Do you agree with what district five is doing?"
Julian sat his drink down, "Depends on what you mean by agree. You mean wether or not it's right?"
"Or what you believe is right."
"By law, I would say their actions are illegal and unjust." He swung around the bush.
"But what do you believe?" I pressed on.
"Come on Kaur." Roy intervened, "Can we not talk about this?"
"Why not. What's wrong with questioning?"
"We're not a part of that world."
"We're not?"
"No, we're not. "
"But district five is still a part of Tara." I stressed.
"Doesn't matter what it is, or what you or we believe. Opinions are dead sighted by facts," Yonic broke in, "Take it from history. Let the Elites do their jobs and live comfortably."
"Do their jobs?" I repeated, "What happened to justice? Why turn a blind eye to it?"
"The thing about district five is that they rebelled, because they weren't happy with what they got. You think freedom would've stopped them from demanding more?" He scoffed, shaking his head, "Look at where we've came from Kaur. My family was poor too, and I can tell you there's not enough of anything to go around to these people. They break the rules, they bear too many children, they spend most of their time building families instead of working. Tara's laws aren't hard to follow. Do so and you'll have a happy life."
"How can you say that?" I snapped.
Yonic smiled and leaned against the railing, "It's basics Kaur."
"Basics of what? Being self absorbed? Happiness isn't capable when you're on the short end of the deal, a good citizen or not."
"So you're not happy with what you got?"
"I am...but those people-"
"Those people would murder you in an instant Kaur. Those people are the reason we're struggling to make rations go around. They may look poor and helpless now, but that's just because they're armed at a disadvantage, mostly because they chose to be. It's life. Not everyone is going to get a piece of the pie, and we don't have enough resources to bake a bigger one. So when people try and take more, it's up to the Elites to protect our fair share."
Everyone paused, their blood simmered by Yonic's response. He shoom his head and turned away from us to face the direction of the ocean, his silence and cold face sending churns down my chest. I saw Roy's eyes flash in the light of the firepit, something deep irking inside him. I blinked and cleared my throat, trying to hold back the rage that fluttered in me.
How could he think this way?
Civil issues existed within Tara for decades and have gone ignored. Surely there's been some opportunity, or some way to merge the classes together.
Even just a little help..
A little food...
A little water...
I knew there couldn't be absolutely nothing to spare to those people.
I watched Yonic's figure disappeared behind the doors and into the house. I turned to face Julian's, his expression perplexed. He sat back down in the lounge chair and placed his hand over his chin. His eyes traced the railings of the balcony, refusing to look at me. I lowered my head, unable to ask any further questions. I sat back down, looking around aimlessly as my skin turned numb.
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