NINETEEN

"Harry!" - I screamed, running after him out of the house. - "What the hell?!"

He turned around, looking resigned.

"Don't." - He sighed.

"What? No. You're fucking crazy if you think I'll give up on us."

Tiredly, he looked into my eyes and shook his head, taking a step closer.

"Don't be stubborn now. Not about this."

"What's that's supposed to mean?!"

"Let me go, Lou." - He said. - "You got this." - He whispered.

"Why the fuck are you doing this?! I just don't understand!" - I screamed, gaining a few awkward looks from the people in the street.

"Trust me." - He whispered again, now stepping away and gaining distance from me. Then, he mouthed a silent 'I love you' and walked away.

"Harry!" - I shouted, frozen in my feet as I watched him walk past my car and almost running until he reached the corner of the street, taking a turn and disappearing from view.

I could almost feel the anger mixed with the tiredness and stress bubbling up inside my veins.

What the fuck had just happened?

I closed my eyes and took a minute just to breathe before going back inside.
I still needed to talk to the mother of my kid.

I still needed to make sure she wasn't leaving.
That if Harry took this decision, at least I should use it to my favour.

This was a priority right now.
Harry said he loved me, right?

Harry said I should fix this first.
And that's what I was going to do.

"Why did you do that?" - I asked her, shutting the door closed behind me.

She raised an eyebrow at me from the kitchen.

"Excuse me? He broke up with you by choice." - She replied.

"Because you implied you wanted it that way! And God, knowing you, you're not going to let me see Freddie anyways, would you? You prefer seeing me miserable. Without my boyfriend and without my son. I'm sure you'd love to see me like that."

"What do you think I am? I'm not a monster, Louis!  I just want the best for my child! For his future. And right now, you're just making all the bas decisions that are hurting him! So, forgive me for wanting to move away from you and search for a healthy future for us!"

"I'm not hurting him!"

"Yes, you are! He always looked up at you, and during his whole life you cared more about your job than him. He always fucking wanted you around and you were never there! And don't even try to blame it all in our divorce, because you know well it started way before that. And now, when you finally grew some balls and started to show interest in him, he had gotten so excited because finally, finally, his dad was paying him attention. But then, guess what happened, genius? Yes, you ruined him again."

"I've only wanted to help him!"

"Look. What Freddie always wanted was to have both of us together again. Okay? I know that. I knew it from the beginning. That's why he is so insisting on having a sister or whatever. But I never had the heart to tell him it won't happen." - She said, giving up. - "I gave you a chance to be closer to him so that way he could maybe get through that desire of his. But I guess it made it worse. Yes, maybe he has a trauma with us." - She said, exasperated. - "But you didn't have the right to get other people in the middle of it. This was something we needed to do the three of us together."

"Then why didn't you say so?"

"Because you've been do damn insisting on getting him a therapist when he doesn't even understand we're divorced for god's sake. He doesn't understand that yet because you were never fucking here to have that conversation with us. Accept it, Louis. You abandoned him. Us. And you left me to take care of everything while you were so busy with your job."

"Brianna... It was never my intention to...."

"Save it." - She said, turning around and getting a mug from the cupboard. - "We'll explain to him some stuff these couple of days. I'm going to give you a one last chance to make it right and postpone my trip for next weekend. I'm not resigning this job opportunity in the states. Freddie will start his first year of school there in a few months. He's already signed up there. We're moving and that's final. But I'll give you more days to decide if you want to change for the better and be a responsible father, or if you want to prioritize your work and Harry over him."

I didn't have the chance to form a response because I heard the sound of a door opening and the sound of little steps on the floor.

My breath hitched and Brianna and I turned around to look at the direction of the bedroom.

"Dad, do you want to play with me?" - Freddie said from the frame of his bedroom.

I nodded, not finding the strength to open my mouth and actually say anything.
My mind was still processing Brianna's words, fighting so hard to hold my - now recurrent - tears.

"Go." - Brianna said.

I nodded again, sending the command to my feet to start moving towards his room.

Freddie smiled at me and rushed inside before I even got there.

When I reached his room, I stood by the door, taking in the image in front of my eyes, and realizing what I had missed all this time.

Realizing I needed to work harder, be stronger and keep fighting.
Because right there was my son, looking expectantly at me, big blue eyes and a hopeful smile, waiting for me sitting in the middle of his room with some toys all spread over the floor.

I sat down on the carpet with him and took some pieces of a puzzle that was half way done and started playing with it.

"Why did teacher Harry leave?"

I sighed, avoiding his eyes and swallowing the knot in my throat.

"He had some things to do, little lad." - I lied.

"I wanted to play with him."

"I know, I'm pretty sure he wanted to play with you too."

"Can you take me to his house again?"

"I don't know."

"I can ask my Mama to take me."

"She's not going to want that, buddy."

"Why?"

"Because Harry's not part of our family." - I tried to look at him with a forced smile.

"But he's so good." - He pouted. - "I like playing with him."

"I know, little lad."

"Lemme ask Mama, please." - He pouted again.

"No, little lad. Not now, yeah?"

"Why?"

"Because she doesn't like Harry."

"Why?"

"I don't know buddy." -  I lied again, smiling at him. - "So, what are playing now?"

Freddie frowned, taking the puzzle pieces away from me.

"I like Harry." - He crossed his arms over his chest.

I froze, noticing how serious and firm was his statement.

"You like him?"

"Yes." - He nodded, still with his arms crossed and his lips pressed against one another. - "And he was here and he didn't say goodbye. Why?"

"He was in a hurry, buddy. I'm sorry. I'm sure he wanted to say goodbye to you."

"Mama doesn't like him?"

"Not really." - I shook my head.

"But he's my teacher." - He pouted, now relaxing his arms and letting them fall on his sides.

"I know, but you're going to big school soon, you knew that? You're going to have another teacher and you're going to like them too, I'm sure."

Freddie shook his head.

"I like teacher Harry." - He insisted and I sighed.

"I like him too."

"I liked his house and his games."

"I could tell." - I nodded, hiding a fond smile.

"He makes me laugh." - He smiled timidly.

"Yeah? He's a bit goofy sometimes, isn't he?" - I asked and he nodded.

He smiled down at his feet, giving me back the pieces of the now completely unmade puzzle.
I took them silently, starting to spread the pieces in the carpet to try and find which one fit better.

"Dad?" - He asked.

"Hmm?"

"Dad? Do you love teacher Harry?"

"What?" - I looked up, his question taking me by surprise.

"You said you liked him, but I think you love him. Because said you were together."

"When did you hear that?"

He shrugged.

"Earlier."

"You watched the whole conversation that we had with your mom? Freddie, that was an adult conversation, you shouldn't have listened to it."

"Sorry." - He said looking down to the floor in shame. He started pinching his own feet, not looking up. - "And you don't love Mama."

"I..." - I sighed, reaching out for him and settling him on my lap. - "Your Mama and I weren't happy together, buddy. I'm sorry." - I said, caressing his back. - "But we both love you. And we want the best for you. Always."

"Huh." - He hummed, placing his little hand on my cheek and looking directly into my eyes. - "And teacher Harry?"

"He does make me happy, Freddie."

I took some consideration of what he said about Harry before. How quickly he read the situation, how natural he was being about it.
Maybe I was underestimating him, maybe he understood more than I thought.

"Son, Do you think it is ok if your dad loves another man?"

Freddie frowned.

"Why? Is it a bad thing?"

"No, Freddie it's not. I only want to know what you think about it."

"I like Harry." - He shrugged.

"So you wouldn't mind if he was with me?"

"I can't believe it." - Briana said from the door.

"He started asking, Briana. I didn't bring it up."

"But you continued it."

"Yes, sure. You're right. Whatever you say." - I said ironically. - "I also explained to him about why we aren't together, you know." - I turned to Freddie who was still in my arms. - "Right, buddy?"

"Because you aren't happy." - He said, shrugging and I nodded.

Brianna sighed, walking towards us and sitting in the floor in front of us.

"Baby." - She said to him. - "I'm sorry we didn't tell you sooner. But it doesn't matter if your dad and I aren't together, okay? We are still your Mama and your Dad." - She sighed, reaching to take his hand and kiss his palm. - "You'll always have me." - She said, and then looked at me, expectantly.

And for the first time, I saw how sincere she was being. She was actually giving me a chance here.
A chance to show my son I was not leaving.

Not again.

"And me. Forever." - I said, kissing Freddie's cheek.

"Okay." - He shrugged, squirming out of my lap and sitting back on the carpet with the puzzle pieces. - "Play?" - He asked at both of us with hopeful eyes.

"Sure, baby." - Brianna smiled.

"Dad?"

"Yes, of course."