Before Kim even began to process the fact that her binding spell had just been utterly defeated, she attacked, invoking the Knife emoji and launching a dozen knives at Other Kim’s face. 

Other Kim dismissed the attack with an eye-roll and the laziest of waves. The knives stopped in midair and fell to the ground, except one, which spun around 180 degrees and propelled itself back at Kim. It stopped at the last second, hovering just centimeters from her neck. At the same time, a tangled mass of vines had grown up out of the floor, wrapping themselves around Kim’s feet and legs, then continuing up around her arms and body, completely and utterly restraining her. She was unable to move or get away.

“So, I’m extremely aware of your little “my phone’s been acting weird” thing,” Other Kim said, using an annoying voice and air quotes. “So miss me with your pathetic attempts to wield the emoji. The power you’ve been toying with is beyond your control and you never should have had access to it in the first place.”

“Excuse me, I am a powerful witch!” Kim said. “You’re the one who’s pathetic. You will pay for what you did to Tiny Monkey!”

“OMG you are so fixated on that stupid monkey!” Other Kim said. “You think that’s all I’ve done to you? I’ve been manipulating your life since you got here. I’ve been seeing Dirk for weeks but put a spell on you so you wouldn’t notice why Willow hated you so much. I poisoned your drink in Miami so you’d lose the Illuminat deal to her. I put you on a date with Michelle so you’d learn about The Hack and get sent to Ambition. I sent The 3 Sisters to give you the impossible challenges. But you kept surprising me.”

“I did?”

“You kept NOT DYING. You kept leveling up, and had already developed friendships and powers that kept you from dying in Ambition, or becoming a hacked zombie riding the metro forever. You defeated my minion, Kellen Lux, the Vampire Economist. You solved the impossible challenges, despite them being IMPOSSIBLE. That’s when I realized there was something different about you.”

“THAT’S when you realized it?” Kim said. “I’m amazing, most people notice it right away.” 

“Shut up!” Other Kim said. “Normally people who come to Hollywood don’t know the first thing about magic. But you were different. You somehow already had powers when you got here, which screwed everything up, upsetting the natural balance of energy in this world. It threatened to destroy everything I had built here. That’s when I realized I didn’t need to kill you at all. You were worth more to me alive.”

“And that’s why you’ve been keeping me from reaching the A-list.”

“UGH YOU ARE SO SLOW,” Other Kim screamed. “There’s no spell keeping you from reaching the A-list! I’ve just been draining your powers faster than you can build them.”

“What? How?”

Other Kim smiled. “Through a spell I put on your stupid dog.”

“Callum Woof!?!? No!!!!” Kim cried.

“Ugh, whatever you call that gross ugly mutt. Every time you pet him, you get a little energy and money, but it’s just a distraction to keep you from noticing the spell. He’s a conduit, siphoning off your energy and power and delivering it directly to me. Thanks to you I’ve been growing more powerful than even I thought possible. In fact it’s worked so well that it’s given me a fantastic idea.”

“What kind of idea?” Kim said. “I feel like you’ve had enough ideas.”

“No more of this giving away energy and money and K-Stars and letting everyone become celebrities. I’m going to change Hollywood forever. Why should I have to smile and pretend I care about every dumb little E-lister who shows up at my door? I’m going to enslave everyone so that their money and energy all go directly to me. Every time they touch a fire hydrant or a skateboard or a bird I’ll steal their power. The people of Hollywood will weaken and suffer while I grow stronger and more powerful. I will no longer be the most important celebrity, I’ll be the only celebrity.”

“You monster!” Kim yelled. “Hollywood operates on a philosophy that anyone can become famous with a little luck and perseverance and self-promotion! You’re corrupting everything that makes it such a welcoming and equalizing place!” 

“Whatever, you’re just jealous you didn’t think of it first. Anyway, I had planned on stringing you along a little while longer, but unfortunately I think we’re at the end of our little scene here. Bye? It hasn’t been fun? See you never?” Other Kim raised her phone and pointed it at Kim, prepared to cast a killing spell.

Kim had to keep her talking. Even though she could barely move, she was still holding her phone. She’d been trying to get her finger on to the right emoji without dropping her phone. She just needed another second. 

“But why do you need to kill me?” Kim said. “I don’t have to be your enemy. We’re sisters, kind of? We could rule together maybe?” 

“Umm, do not even,” Other Kim said. “You’re not nearly evil enough to call yourself one of my sisters. And besides, this world doesn’t need two Kim Kardashians. You think you can just sweep in and level up and I’ll just stand by while you drag my personal brand through the trash? I am Kim Kardashian and there can be only one.”

“But, like, no--I’m the real Kim Kardashian,” Kim said. “I’m the original. I’m from the world beyond this one, the real world.”

“Wow do you realize how insane you sound?” Other Kim laughed. “I was Kim Kardashian before you got here and I will be Kim Kardashian long after you leave. Enough of this. Time for you to get peaced out.”

“Fine,” Kim said. “Peace out.” Praying she had the right emoji, praying she had a good grip on her phone, she slid her finger across the screen. A tiny door flew out from her screen, growing as it shot towards Other Kim. 

Other Kim stepped easily out of the way and it flew past her, bonking harmlessly into the wall behind her.

“WTH did you just shoot a door at me???” Other Kim asked, fixing Kim with an incredulous stare. “Awesome spell, B-lister. I kind of feel bad for you now, that was the last spell you’re ever going to cast and it wasn’t even a cool one.”

“Oh that wasn’t a spell,” Kim said. “I was just calling a friend.”

“What?” Other Kim spun around and saw that where the door had hit the wall there was now a swirling vortex of light and energy--a portal. And right beside it, having already stepped through it, her blonde hair and ruffly skirt waving in the breeze from the ambient vortex energy, was Willow Pape.

“YOU??? HOW!” Other Kim screamed. “You were dead!”

“Hashtag lol,” Willow sneered, invoking the Honeybee emoji, releasing a swarm of bees dive-bombing at Other Kim. 

While Other Kim was distracted fending them off, Willow used the Raised Hand emoji to knock the knife away from Kim’s neck, and Scissors to cut the vines away from her body.

“Hey, thanks friend,” Kim said.

Willow winked. “Any time, friend.”

Other Kim defeated the last of the bees and then turned to Kim and Willow, out of breath, her hair all mussed, a furious and crazed look in her eyes. 

“How are you alive?” Other Kim screamed. “I saw you die!”

“Probably shouldn’t believe everything you see on social media,” Willow said.

“It was just a glamour,” Kim said. “Actually I zapped her away somewhere safe, where we could have a nice little private chat. We had a lot to talk about once I figured out what you were really up to.”

“This is impossible!” Other Kim yelled. “You two hate each other!” 

“Not as much as we both hate you,” Willow said. 

“So be it,” Other Kim said, drawing herself up. “This changes nothing. I can defeat both of you together just as easily as I could defeat you separately.”

“Maybe,” Kim said. “But I doubt you could defeat all of us.” And through the portal came Maria, Luther, Mary, Kate, Ash, Michelle Murphy, and Rani Khosla.

“You may have unlimited money and power and fame,” Kim said, “But as long as I can call upon the Guardians of the Watchtower of Friendship, I have everything I need.”

The group stood in a circle around Other Kim. They each pressed the Victory Hand emoji and a circle of light connected their phones together, all joining their power to Kim’s. 

“Okay wait,” Other Kim said. “Can we go back to that deal you were talking about earlier? Maybe work out a co-ruling situation?”

Kim shook her head. “You said it yourself, there can only be one Kim Kardashian. I’m cropping you out of the picture.” 

“I was feeling my power!” Other Kim said, smiling. “Can I live?!?!”

“No,” Kim said. “I am Kim of House Kardashian, Once and Future Ruler of Hollywood, Friend to All Aspiring Celebrities, and Avenger of Tiny Monkey. Goodbye forever.”

Kim pressed End With Leftwards Arrow Above and Mobile Phone Off and her powers joined with everyone else’s in the circle, and the light from their phones swirled around Other Kim, encircling her closer and closer until it wound itself around her, and her body exploded brilliantly into piles of money and K-Stars and lightning that flew and bounced everywhere around the room. 

But not just money and K-Stars and lightning--there was something else, bouncing around where Other Kim had been, something dark and swirly. It took the form of the Card Index emoji, and before Kim even realized what was happening, it flew out and embedded itself in her body. She looked around, like What just happened? and she saw everyone staring at her, and then the world went dark as the floor rushed up to meet her.