Simon told Kim to go talk to Other Kim for dating advice. Other Kim was only too thrilled to help.

“Are you looking for a hot date? I’m great at setting people up! I’ll find someone amazing!”

“Yay awesome,” Kim said, trying to muster even the smallest iota of enthusiasm for this plan.

“Are you interested in men or women?” Other Kim asked.

Kim blinked, not even believing this was a real question. She thought back on all the men she had met in this world. They were each of them hideous, loathsome trolls, with mustaches and ridiculous hair and shorts, and personalities like a dead rat in a used diaper.

“The only men even worthy of dating consideration are Kanye West, Idris Elba, and Zayn Malik,” Kim said. “And I haven’t seen any indication that any of them even exist in this world.”

Other Kim shifted her weight and kept smiling. “Women, then! Do you like sporty girls, or are you more into the artistic kind?”

Kim actually thought about this for a moment. Probably artistic, right? She didn’t want to end up having to attend sporting events.

“Artistic,” Kim guessed.

“Got it,” Other Kim said. “I have someone in mind. Her name’s Michelle and she’s a writer. You’ll love her!”

“I completely doubt it but okay!” Kim said. 

“Oh my god I’m so excited for you. Why don’t you two meet at Panino right now? You already look great anyway.”

“Like, right now right now?” Kim asked. She looked down at her outfit. She was wearing a scoop-top T and jeggings and the black shoes with all the strappy things that she was really sick of. She longed for more shoe options. Why did her closet have 20 different baggy tops that she would never wear, and only like 2 pairs of shoes that didn’t completely suck? It made no sense. 

“Fine, let’s just get this over with,” Kim said. If she changed her look before her date it would be like admitting she cared. 

Kim walked over to Panino and saw a woman standing outside, looking expectantly at her. She had very pale skin, long, curly black hair, and an overly floppy hat. Thinking it might be Michelle (but secretly hoping it wasn’t because she hated that hat) Kim stopped to chat. 

“Hey, I’m a stylist, I love your outfit!” the woman said. Okay so she was apparently not Michelle the Writer. She was also apparently not a very good stylist if she was actually thought this was a decent outfit. 

The woman was standing there and Kim wasn’t sure if she was supposed to network with her? Or flirt? Like what even is the difference, at the end of the day. She decided she better save her flirting energy for her date, so she tried to network with this woman. She was A-list, and had plenty of money, judging from her outfit and accessories. Probably not a bad person to know. 

“Guess my name!” the woman said. 

“Um I just met you,” Kim said. “Your name could literally be anything. It could be Potato Chlamydia for all I care.”

“It’s either Jennifer Williams or Alexis Cassiopeia,” the woman said.

“Are...you...not sure?” Kim asked. This was the most pointless game. But fine whatever. “Alexis Cassiopeia,” Kim guessed, thinking a clueless stylist probably had a weird name. 

The woman was elated. “Yes! Here’s my number, let’s stay in touch!”

Kim scooped up the money the woman dropped, rolled her eyes and pushed past her into Panino.

There were three dudes in the restaurant, all eyeing her like puppy dogs, like Please please talk to me. As if. She ignored all of them and walked straight over to a lone woman standing in the back. 

“Hi, Kim? I’m Michelle Murphy. Kim told me all about you.”

Kim said something flirty back, who even knows what. 

“Why don’t we go on a date right now?” Michelle suggested.

“Leggo,” Kim said, throwing her bag on the table. 

They began the date by ordering the Chef’s Special and some Fancy Wine. Kim attempted like five Romantic Glances in a row and Michelle seemed super into it.

The date was going on for a while and Kim was trying to remain interested but she was also getting a little tired. She excused herself to find the bathroom and used it as an opportunity to wander around the restaurant and kill some time. She noticed a woman standing over by the door, staring at her. This woman had olive skin, red hair pulled back in a bun, and a 3/4 sleeve tattoo. Kind of hot, actually. 

What the hell, Kim figured, and went over to talk to her. 

“Hi,” Kim said, shockingly eager for another round of the name-guessing game. But as soon as the woman opened her mouth Kim realized something was wrong.

“Hi,” Alexis Cassiopeia said. “Great to see you again!”

“Alexis?” Kim said. Was this the same Potato Chlamydia woman she’d met outside the restaurant? She looked completely different. How had she changed her look so utterly, so quickly? Was Kim just remembering her wrong? This was super awkward. Kim smiled and backed away and hurried back over to Michelle.

“Everything okay?” Michelle asked.

“Everything’s great!” Kim said, and did some Flirting. “Should we get Dessert?” Kim asked and from the way Michelle’s eyes lit up she was clearly on board. This date was apparently going super great. 

After a while Kim looked back over to where Alexis had stood. There was a different woman standing there now. With light skin and a blond pixie cut and a bag with a kitten in it. 

Michelle noticed Kim staring at the woman. 

“Do you know her?” Michelle asked.

“Kind of?” Kim said. “I mean not really. I met her outside. But she looked different. And then I saw her in here and she looked different again. And now...” Kim looked at the picture of Alexis Cassiopeia on her phone. It was actually super handy that her phone was constantly updated with real-time pictures of what everyone she knew looked like. Very handy when she needed some outfit inspo. 

But now she looked from her phone, to the woman across the restaurant, and back. It was Alexis, but she had changed again. Now she was black, with a blonde bob, and she was dressed like she just got back from the beach. 

“It’s like every time I look at her she looks completely different? That’s weird, right? Am I going crazy?”

Michelle stared at Kim for a minute than finished her wine in one huge gulp. She shook her head. “Nope you’re not crazy.”

“What, what’s going on with her?” Kim asked, quickly ordering more Fancy Wine.

“She’s one of The Hacked,” Michelle whispered. “We don’t talk about them.”

“The HACKED?” Kim said, too loudly. 

“Shh!” Michelle said, looking around to make sure no one had heard.

“The HACKED?” Kim stage-whispered. “Who are they? Why don’t we talk about them?”

Michelle looked away. She seemed afraid to say anything else. 

Kim tried some Romantic Glances but Michelle refused to meet Kim’s eyes. Kim risked it and went in for a Kiss. She felt Michelle’s body relax. They did another Kiss.

“It’s okay. You can tell me,” Kim said. “Please.”

Michelle breathed in and out for a moment, then spoke. “Okay. So, Friendship, Money, Fame, and Power. These things are all connected, right?”

“Right,” Kim said, remembering Maria having said something similar. “Without one the others won’t follow.”

Michelle nodded. “Right, but it’s more than that. Friendship, Money, Fame, and Power are the Four Corners. They’re the Circle of Balance. They all exist in elemental harmony with each other.”

“I’m with you so far,” Kim said.

“The Hacked are people who have found a way to disturb that relationship. They wield a very dark, very dangerous magick. It gives them Money and Power beyond their wildest dreams.”

“Wait, so they have tons of money, but don’t have to deal with photo shoots and fashion shows?” Kim said. “That sounds amazing.”

Michelle reached out and clutched Kim’s hand. “No,” she says. “It changes them irrevocably. They become...different from the rest of us. Their Money and Power come at the cost of their Fame and Friendship. They relinquish control of their appearance. They are unable to form real relationships because no one can see what they truly look like. And without real Friendships they can’t have Fame. No one can buy them any Gifts. No one will give them any interesting projects to work on. They might as well be living in a parallel universe. It’s horrible.”

“But what if you don’t care about Fame?” Kim asked. “Maybe then it’s okay.”

“No!” Michelle shouted, a little too loudly. “The elements need to remain in balance. The Hacked look normal but they are hollow inside. Their lives are not real. They are just avatars, floating through this world as mere representations of who they might have been.”

“Are there at lot of them? The Hacked?”

“They are everywhere,” Michelle said. “Kim, look, I like you. I know this is our first date but you seem really great. Please do not go down that dark path. I knew someone who joined The Hacked and then regretted it. They had to completely erase her mind. It was like she was starting her whole life over from the beginning. It was horrible.”

Kim nodded, not even really listening anymore. This was amazing. This was exactly what she needed. A shortcut. A way to get the Power she needed without having to do all the boring work of traveling back and forth between Downtown and Beverly Hills at Simon’s whim. This was everything. If she could figure this out she could defeat Willow Pape and be back in her own world before Simon’s next phone call. 

“Thank you. I’m really glad I came on this date,” Kim said, stroking Michelle’s fingers and doing one last Romantic Glance.

“Me too,” Michelle said. 

Kim leaned forward and Kissed her. She felt nothing but she kept Kissing Michelle until the date was over.