Full title: I just, really miss him

A/N: This is a whopping 4K words, and HOLY DAMN do I feel accomplished with myself, being that I wrote this fic in two days.  So buckle your seat belts hes, shes, they/thems, non-binary folk, all possible gender and sexuality folk for this eight page long fan fiction of 4K words. 

Summary: Tony’s eyes are red and puffy and acts like a shadow of the man he once was, “I just really miss him. He didn’t deserve to die.”

Nebula nods knowingly, “No one deserves to die, except for Thanos. Tell me about him.”

[TW: Mention of probable sucidie]

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Tony Stark and pain are old friends. They’ve met in a variety of forms. One of the first times they met was when Howard struck five year old him with a belt because he didn’t have time for his childish antics. Tony remembered the way his heart broke into itty bitty pieces when his father had scowled at him with such a dire look of hate, he wanted to die right at that very moment. A not too long experience was when his father had harshly smacked him when he entered a room full of Howard and some other men he had never met before and told him to “get lost or I’ll lock you in the closet for three days.” Either way, he was locked in the closet with fear and anger that his father could never be nice to him for once in his damn life. 

And it had continued on for fifteen years. Every time Tony had tried to prove to Howard that he was capable of the man’s astounding legacy, the older man would just shun him away, or call him an “insolent being with no regard that other people are more important than him.” Every single day his father compared all of his actions to the mighty heroic Captain America, and made sure that Tony knew that he “would never be more important than Captain America, and if you ever met him, he’d be so disappointed in you.” Tony refused to leave his room for an entire week, shutting away everyone in their mansion and crying himself to sleep every single night in the only spot that was deemed safe. 

But that spot soon became worthless because Howard would take little mistakes, or just movements in general, and twist them into things that Tony should be ashamed of himself, to the point where Tony has just stopped caring, because for fifteen long and grueling years of his life he had spent to try and get his father, the most important man in his life to see some form of potential in him, only for him to receive shit for it. And he knew Howard, and Howard would never change. 

Howard would keep on hitting Tony whenever he made a sarcastic quip at the man. Howard would threaten to send Tony back to boarding school if Maria didn’t love the utter failure of a son he was. Howard would lock Tony in his room for periods of time that would range from a couple of hours to a few weeks. 

To say that Tony hated the man was an understatement. Just the mere mention of his name was enough to send anger coursing through his veins and the loathing feeling to form in his heart, as his fingers would stiffen and curl into a fist, and his brain would helplessly play the memories that would forever be engraved in his heart and soul. 

Which is why whenever the topic of settling down came up, he’d panic. Tony always wanted to settle down, but he didn’t want to repeat the same mistakes his father had made on him, and he didn’t know how to be a good father. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he failed something of his own creation. 

Tony Stark would never admit it, but he was scared of being a bad father. 

So when Peter Parker, a fourteen year old web-slinging vigilante came into the picture, he found himself stuck between two worlds. One side of him, the inner father in him was telling him to take the boy under his wing, and nurture and train him to the best of his potential, which the kid had a whole lot of. But another side of him was telling him not to interfere with him, or at least keep it strictly professional because if something happened to either of time, it would be incredibly hard to move on, so why not just make it a strict work relationship only?

So deciding to take the safer route, he maintained a strictly superhero relationship with the boy, and found an outstanding amount of potential that wanted to take to far greater heights. Except, the two found themselves bonding extremely well into a father and son relationship that neither saw coming. 

But was Tony going to complain? Oh heck no. 

He’d admit in the beginning he was terrified of letting the boy down in some shape, way, or form, but that dorky, curly-haired kid managed to wiggle his way into a special place in Tony’s heart, and honestly, it changed him for the better. 

For one, it got him to see the world from a different perspective, and only gave him more courage to ask Pepper to marry him. It also got him to finally throw all the alcohol sitting in his basement into the dump. And he had another science partner, one that was extremely adorable and a fun little dork that felt like a son to him. 

The two had bonded really well, and the little munchkin was held in a special place in his heart. The two were practically inseparable. Tony loved the time he spent with Peter in the lab, so much to the extent that every single Saturday was Lab Day, an entire day where the two devoted their entire day to each other. Well, Tony would pick up Peter after school on Friday where they’d share pizza together, and then they’d head back to the Tower and set up a gigantic fort of pillows and blankets where they’d snuggle in as they watch Disney movies.

Tony’s favorite part was cuddling, and he knew for a fact, that it was Peter’s too. The two, especially Peter, loved the warmth and comfort of simply being held, and who was Tony to deprive him of love and affection? If anything, Tony took on the role of “Dad”, helping the boy out with his homework, being there whenever Peter sought mentorship and advice whether it be education-wise, or superheroing stuff. It was quite adorable to put it in the slightest, and for the first time in God knows how long, both parties felt equally content. 

But of course, life has to come in and fuck things up, because god forbid Tony Stark enjoy a few lasting years of peace. 

As if he hadn’t suffered enough right?

God was winding up, and he had sent down what would be a nearly impossible challenge-Thanos. The same vision that had plagued his dreams since Loki, is what he’s about to go up against. Not that he’ll admit it, but he’s absolutely terrified. Plus the fact that the kid is tagging along with some weird wizard who has one of the magical stones. And to think he was going to finally propose to Pepper the idea of settling down, jeez. 

Everything after was a continuous blur, fighting some idiots who are actually on the same side of him, and then they all come together to fight the man who bears the name Thanos himself. Tony freezes, because there’s a stray thought forming, that they might not stand a chance after all. There’s no Avengers here, no people that he knows can back his plays, and work with it, let alone know at all. There’s know Captain America calling the shots, Thor or Hulk as some very much needed muscle or some of that good ol’ assassin logic. It’s just his genius brain with a probably nervous Spiderkid, a weird wizard, talking robot lady, and some other guys that are somewhat already on his nerves. 

And with that, the battle of Titan begins. 

Everyone unites and fights their damndest to get the gauntlet off the Mad Titan but they’re too weak, too subjectable to vulnerability, and that’s what happens every damn time because the good guys are always the ones capable of emotion. Capable of displaying mercy, even to the ones who sure as hell don’t deserve it. 

Maybe that’s why Tony sometimes thinks he’s a villain. Because what mercy is given to him? He gets accepted, feels whole and human, and then once his purpose has been served, he’s left alone to unknown purposes. 

He feels a sudden surge of panic when a purple hand that most definitely doesn’t belong around Peter’s neck finds itself there, and within mere seconds, Tony fires back, preventing any more harm from coming to Peter. No one is going to hurt Peter, because what harm that comes to him would be blamed on his shoulders, and he is the suit of armor that protects his world, and the people he cares so goddamn much about. 

The rest is a hazy blur, quite literally when Thanos chucks a moon at him that leaves him wondering the physics behind that. He glances at Peter who wears an equally confused look because gosh, that kid has watched Star Wars a million times too many. 

He feels the fatigue settling in on the small team, and Thanos doesn’t look remotely weakened. So he takes his stand and comes at him, doing the very best his mere mortal man in a suit can do, drawing an ounce of blood with his nanotech suit sword that Peter actually gave the idea for, and he quite liked it. That was, until Thanos broke it off and pierced his abdomen straight through with it.

The effect is instantaneous, Tony feels his body still and a drumming sound fills his head as he staggers backwards, unaware of his hitched breathing and drowsiness. He begins to think that he is dying. He doesn’t want to die, at least not yet. If he dies now, who will beat the bad guy?

He sees Peter’s scared face, he knows the scream that lingers on his lips waiting to be let out, and can already see the tears before they’re actually there and a wave of guilt and pity run through him. If he dies here and now, he’ll die alone. He’ll have Peter, the closest thing he has to a son, but he’d die as the single Tony Stark who donned the armor after a tragic kidnapping in Afghanistan. He won’t be able to settle down with Pepper, let alone ask her to officially marry him, wouldn’t ever see so many things he just realized he wanted to do, won’t be able to see Peter graduate, and the list goes on and on. If he dies today, he leaves everyone alone, forced to manage without him. It’s unfair to everyone, but when has life been kind to the soul of Tony Stark?

And that’s when the wizard does the most bizarre thing, Tony swears the wizard has gone stupid. He exchanges the time stone to save Tony. Tony can’t help the flood of relief that courses through guilty blood vessels, because Thanos is now only one stone short before achieving his goal. Thanks to him. 

He can’t bear to meet anyone’s eyes because he’s afraid to see anger, regret, and a burning look that they prefer that he died. If he had known the aftermath of it, he’d let himself die over and over again. It’s better to die without having something, than to die and lose it all. Forever. 

Much to his utter surprise, all other faces display one of relief. But Tony still carries the guilt heavy in his heart. 

From there, they’re all sitting ducks. Equally unaware of what they should do next, because Thanos has escaped to Wakanda, and they have to get there to help whatever team’s already fighting there. Dammit, he really should have just called Steve. 

He would’ve called Steve if he knew what was going to happen, not even a few hours later. 

That wrong feeling hasn’t left yet, but it only increases in the pit of his stomach. His worst fears are confirmed when the atmosphere suddenly becomes incredibly hazy, and there’s a huge concentration of dust, and suddenly, the lovestruck fool for Gamora, winces into a face contorted with regret as he sighs, “Oh man.” And then he crumbles into a cloud of dust. Tony looks at what once was the man drift off as he dissolves into Titan’s atmosphere. Next to collapse was the strange man with the red tattoos, and then the girl with the glowing antennas. Not too long after, Tony finds himself completely startled to see Doctor Strange himself whisper in a somewhat longing tone, “It was the only way.” And then he too fades into the night. 

Tony leans forward, still unable to comprehend what his eyes witness before him, where are these people going? Is everyone being taken? Is he too about to join the dusted ones? He doesn’t feel his heart sink with dread until he hears a strained voice coming from Peter wave, “Mister Stark?” 

The kid trembles as he looks down at his shaking hands, and trips over his own feet into Tony’s arms as he whispers repeatedly, “I don’t feel so good, I don’t want to go.” Tony knows the kid’s going to die, and all he can do is helplessly hold him as he begins to crumble into thin air. Tony cradles the pleading boy, only then realizing that with his Spidey Senses, he can feel himself die, right before he actually does. The terror that Peter delicately wears makes Tony feel a heartbreak that causes physically hurts his body as he softly cradles Peter as he begins to crumble. 

Tony forces himself to look into Peter’s teary eyes as Peter apologizes, “I’m sorry Mister Stark.” Right after that, Tony can’t help but eerily watch as Peter crumbles into nothing more than specks of dirt onto his hand. 

Tony staggers backwards as he can’t look away from the tearing image of Peter’s ashes on his hands. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. He leans back, waiting for the same thing that consumed Peter, to take him too. He’s waiting for it to, but the horrifying feeling of melting into nothingness never comes, meaning that he’s not dying today. At least not from this. 

The female cyborg dips her head down and speaks with as much emotion that she can muster in her robotic tone, “Thanos completed his mission.” Tony doesn’t have the strength or the energy to muster any sarcastic comments and can only focus on the gruesome memory that continues to replay over and over in his head. 

Gosh, he failed the kid. 

The kid’s dead. 

His kid’s dead. 

Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod.

He just might throw up. 

And then he’s on the cyborg’s ship setting a track for Earth, except they have no clue how long it’ll take for them to actually get there. But the two board the ship anyways, because neither stand a chance on Titan. 

The first few days were spent in solitude, neither wanted to talk to the other, because they were complete strangers. Complete strangers that were stuck in the same ship as they soared through what the galaxy had to offer between fields of stardust and meteoroids. It’s almost poetic, how this is how the greatest inventor of all time predicts his demise. 

Eventually, the two broken souls confide in each other. The blue cyborg approaches the clearly distressed man, cold robotic tone speaking, “Are you okay?” Tony merely gives the female cyborg a blank look, biting down a sarcastic comment because she doesn’t deserve it. So instead, he merely shrugs, “I’ve been better. What about you?”

He watches the blue being hesitate on either opening up or giving a blunt answer when she sighs, “I can’t relate to what you are feeling, but I offer my sympathies.” Her words come off sour despite her not meaning for it to come across that way. She tries again furrowing facial plates, “I’m sorry, I’m not very good with emotions or being nice to people in general.” 

Tony can’t bite back the snort or the connection he makes when he says, “Come join the club.”

Nebula merely nods and continues speaking, “I am the daughter of Thanos. Well, not his actual daughter per to say. For Thanos, is incapable of love. He only possesses greed and want, and once one has finished its use, it’s discarded forever. He took me from my planet, and turned me into this.” She spits out with venom heavy in her tone, “This monster.” She readjusts her tone continuing, “He did the same to my sister Gamora, who he sacrificed to acquire the Soul Stone.” Her eyes flicker downwards and Tony awkwardly speaks, “I’m sorry.” 

Nebula shakes her head, “What use does it serve now? We were trained to be killers, to one day be every bit of a monster Thanos was. He would force us to fight each other, and whoever lost was forced to become better.” She delicately lifts her arm, and that’s when Tony sees the scars embedded in the blue metal, “And for years, I accepted what I assumed to be my soul purpose and slain the lives of millions of innocents, to prove to Thanos, to prove to my father that I was a true warrior.” 

She looks at anywhere that isn’t Tony’s eyes as she hunches forward and chooses her words forward carefully, “If I could go back in time, I would tell myself to wake up, and stop trying to impress someone who won’t ever see your value or worth. Instead, I’d tell myself to see my sister’s perspective, and join her. But I was so caught up in trying to be better, trying to be the best, that I let that push the people that could’ve made me a better person away. Gamora kept trying when everyone else, wanted to kill me. Even right after I tried to kill her, she refused to let me fall. After years of being treated like an object more than anything else, I felt so lonely. I realized when Thanos pulled my parts apart in front of Gamora, and I was praying that she wouldn’t tell the location, and let me die, she would’ve. But she was willing for me to evade death, when she knew there was a  threat she was putting herself in.” 

Nebula lifts her head up to meet Tony’s eyes, “I can tell you carry some pain in your heart.”

Tony leaned back and sighed, “You weren’t the only one with a crappy father.” He prolongs for a moment, unsure of how much he should reveal, and then realizes that the two of them have all the time in the world, and she won’t judge. 

So he speaks, “My father was not a good person. I mean, not so bad compared to yours, but he never saw anything worth it in me. It was always, ‘Tony, you can be so much better, but you’re so dumb’, or ‘You’ll never be worth a tenth of me!’. He made sure I knew of all my flaws, and he only paid attention to me when I had messed up. He’d hit me, and somehow managed to do the right things to make me hate myself.” 

The two shared a moment of silence as they bond over Tony’s statement. 

Tony continues, “And all my life, I wanted to be a good person. To be anything but Howard’s shadow. But that’s all people ever saw me for. I was this angry, sad, man who drank and drank and didn’t give a shit, until I was threatened in the face with the weapons I had made myself. That’s when I realized how cruel this world is, and all I was doing was making it worse. So I shut down manufacturing weapons, and tried to become a good person. I felt so dirty, so disappointed in myself, because I was so stupid to see the faults of my actions, and I guess you could say I developed a guilt complex. Because everything bad that happened, was blamed on me.” 

He coughs and then continues, “I’m part of a team too actually. Or was, anyways. There was a whole government issue that my team was too out of control, that we didn’t have any boundaries. I knew it was true, hell, I was very reckless and just did whatever I wanted, but when I saw how much damage we, I caused, I couldn’t help the guilt that forced me to do whatever I could possibly do in my power to make things right. I didn’t want to die with a bad legacy, I wanted people to remember me, not as a soldier, or an Avenger, but a good man. I stayed away from the domestic life, wanting to do the best I could to help people, because even if the world hated me, or refused to see that I had changed, I knew that in my heart, I was trying, and that was what mattered.”

A sob threatens to wrack his body but Tony continues, “All my life, I’ve never had anyone there for me. Except for my best friend, who one time left for a while. I was at the lowest point in my life, and that kid came in, and made me feel complete again. At first, I was terrified because what if I messed up, and the kid ended up hating me? I didn’t want to be like Howard, and what experience did I have to rely on?”

Nebula interrupts, “No matter how hard you try, there are always people who refuse to see when you change. And they will always refuse, but there are people, certain people who refuse not to see the change. Was the boy like my sister?”

Tony nods, “Yeah, you could say that.” 

He hiccups, and the next thing he knows, his vision blurs, and tears stream down his face. 

It’s only then when Tony recognizes the heartbreak that makes his body aches, and only then does Nebula see the brokenness that consumes her new friend’s heart. She’s learned much about the man in front of him, they’re not too different, and can’t help but watch as he acts like a shadow of the man he must have once been as he whispers dejectedly, “I just really miss him. He didn’t deserve to die.”

Nebula nods knowingly, “No one deserves to die, except for Thanos. Tell me about him.”

Tony sighs as he lets out a watery chuckle, “The kid, his name is Peter. He’s something alright. A little rascal, but you can’t find the heart to truly be upset with him. He’s a genius, more like a nerd, and the purest person you’d ever meet. Yet, he has this urge to be something more, because he has this potential to make change, but he just doesn’t know how much he has. He underestimates himself, and he sees him as a mentor, and in some way, a father figure. Why, I have no clue, but I found myself head over heels for the kid. He was a light in a cloud of darkness. He saw good in me, and made sure that I was okay, when I was worrying because gosh, that kid attracted injuries like a jack rabbit and carrots.”

Nebula’s head tilts, “I do not understand this rabbit you speak of? Is it like a rat?”

Tony chuckle wavers, “A much more softer, friendly rat, yeah.” 

It’s Tony’s turn to cast his eyes down, “Were it not for him, I probably would have killed myself.”  

Nebula speaks in her hard tone, “Believe me, I’ve tried. But then I realize, if I give up, then who carries on? Who would mourn and grieve? They don’t care if I exist, then they wouldn’t care if I was gone.”

Tony nods, “Yeah, it’s exactly that. But you had Gamora, and I had some people, but you never know, one day, everyone just might leave. And then you’re all alone.”

Nebula nodded, “Exactly.”

A/N: Hey guys!!!! How's your weekend been? I have a bunch of stuff to talk about plus one more update after this one for tonight so don't go anywhere.

1. What did you think of this fic? I tried to keep as realistic as possible to the MCU's characterization of our dearest Tony and Nebula.

2. How has life been? I talk a whole lot about my life, how has yours been? Mine's been okay, I have a Spanish Test on Tuesday that I'm probably going to fail cause ya girl can't learn Spanish but can learn one of the world's hardest languages aka Mandarin. I got a 100 on a Acting assignment where I wrote about textual connections being to Infinity War and Endgame how characters can set their goal(s), fail, and still be able to overcome whatever obstacle is presented at them so that was nice. I'm working on trying to drink less soda because before I knew about the health risks but I've never really applied it to myself, so my goal is to go an entire month without any soda except for at parties. Today I walked at the Breast Cancer Awareness walk at Flushing and I was pretty proud of the three miles I walked today. I also got a 100 on my creative writing story which was to write a horror shirt story and y'all know I used Peter as my main character. If y'all want me to post it I could. I'm probably going to post it the week of Halloween.

3. CW fans, let's talk: where the hell do I even begin? Oliver supposedly dying in the Crisis? Damn, Arrow has come across a long time, and I'm not ready for heroes to fall. I've already lost Tony, Nat, and Steve, how much more do I have to lose? Apparently Barry Allen, aka my favorite CW character just might die too yeah I don't think so. I feel like they'll kill him in the episode and then bring him back cause he still has a season. And the connections between portals and dark matter oof. And Earth 2!!! My baby Harry and Jesse can't be dead. I refuse.

4. Did y'all like my writing style here? I tried to make it more angsty through diction word choices so I hope you guys liked this fic.