A/N: Buckle your seat belts folks of the gender spectrum cause this is a nearly a whopping 4K words, well 3836 to be exact, not counting the A/N. I may have written angsty things in the past (especially from my other book with I'm only Human and the Consumption of Guilt oneshots) but this is extremely angsty and one of my personal favorite fics that I've ever written. So lower your weapons and enjoy! *mwhahaha*
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Peter tossed and turned in his sleep, mumbling strings of incoherent phrases as he cries, begged for something. Minute by minute his cries had become louder and louder, waking the young-aged Aunt May. 

The very second her weary, red-rimmed eyes had fluttered open, she was already on her way to Peter. These nightmares, more like night terrors were frequent every night, since, well, Thanos. The mere thought of his name was enough to make chills roll down her spine. She never saw him, but the things he did are something that will forever be in the history pages. She shuddered at the mere thought of him, the legacy he created has left depicted him somewhat compared to Hitler, but if he ever came back to Earth, which she thanks the Lord  won’t happen, but if it were to, she’d have a hell of a lot to go off at him about, regardless of the bearer of the title “The Mad Titan.”

Except right now, her focus is Peter. 

Peter, who kept on losing and losing, so, so much. Was it not enough for his parents to live their last breath as the airplane tipped over into the vast Pacific Ocean? Was it not enough that he had to helplessly watch his Uncle die with the overwhelming guilt that it had been his fault, the overall guilt was the reasoning why he embraced that suit? How much more loss would God put on his trembling shoulders?

She felt her heart crack, another to the ever-growing collection at the boy, her boy’s face contorted in pain as he relieved the worst parts of his life. One day he died at the early age of sixteen, and comes back to life five years later. Despite officially being 21, she still sees the fourteen year old boy who got excited every time a new Star Wars set was released, the same fourteen year old that was utterly shocked to find the Tony Stark in his living room. Oh, how times have changed. She sat at the foot of his bed, softly stroking Peter’s back with one hand, and using the other to run through his curls, hating the pained expression that rested over her nephew’s face. Those cold, unbearable five years had taken a toll on both of them, pale skin contrasting gaunt, sorrowed eyes meeting empty, hollow ones. 

Within a few moments, Peter’s eyes snapped awake, and for the next few moments, the only sound in the Parker residence was the boy’s hitched breathing. Terror coursing through his veins and a watery sensation pricking the back of his eyes, he began to tremble, eyes desperately flickering through the room searching for something, or someone. 

May, sensing the boy’s panic spoke in a grounding tone, “Peter?” Peter felt a moment of tranquility as a flood of relief overcame him when his eyes met hers, and for a glorious moment, the panic subdued. 

Then again, nothing lasts forever. 

Choked gasps began spilling out of his mouth as he craved May’s warm, loving touch. He began to sob into May’s chest muttering, “I’m so sorry May!” May rocked the hyperventilating teenager onto her lap, and despite the five grueling years that had passed, he still fit perfectly into her arms and asked softly, “Peter, what on Earth do you possibly feel sorry for?” 

Peter refused to meet May’s sympathetic eyes lowly replying, “I’m sorry that I can’t do this May! I miss him so much! It’s not fair! He held me as I turned to dust!” He thickly swallowed, rubbing his red-rimmed eyes, continuing, “And just when I got back, he held me. Everything felt good again. You, Ned, MJ were safe, and we’d win. It’s not fair! Anyone else could have snapped, but it had to be him!” Brokenness began to show in his eyes, “May, why did it have to be him?”

May grimly replied, “In a garden, do you pick the beautiful roses, or the ones that have already wilted?” Both Parkers remained silent, both knowing the answer. It was only a minute after when Peter sniffled, “May, I can’t do this. Not without him. I just can’t.”

May nodded, softly encouraging him, “I know buddy. It’s going to be hard, it’s going to feel like Hell, I know Peter. It sucks. You’ve lost so much, and believe me, I am the first one to understand the pain you feel. We all mourned for each other, and we continue to do so. I know I wasn’t there, but what Tony did, he made the sacrifice play. He knew that if he was gone, the people he cared about would be in good hands. He knew you were going to be okay. Go see him, Peter. Talk to him.” Peter asked confused, “Right now?” May nodded, “As long as you’re back by seven.”

Peter nodded, heading out the door, not even bothering to change out his pajamas. The way to the house wasn’t far, only a fifteen minute bus ride and another five minutes of walking. Surprisingly, at the ungodly hour of three am, the bus was filled with people who offered thin, melancholy smiles seeming to recognize the sadness radiating off him. 

The ride was quiet, but Peter didn’t care. All the billboards were the same picture of the famous Tony Stark who saved them all from another dusting with the same bold words titled, “What do we do now that he’s gone?”

Peter turned his head away, everywhere he went, he saw his mentor’s face. But never again in person. Before he knew it, he had arrived at his stop and quietly thanked the bus driver. He sucked in a breath, not realizing how cold it was when he formed a cloud of his exhaled carbon dioxide. He didn’t feel the cold, only the painfully numbness. He started walking with his head dipped down and his head tucked into his pockets. 

He walked to the front of the house, the pinching watery feeling at the back of his eyes had returned and he wiped his face with his hoodie sleeve. He passed through the security system that was well-guarded by FRIDAY who kindly greeted him with a hint of remorse as he rounded around the back where a headstone stood by the serene water. The headstone read “TONY STARK” and under it read, “Loving father, husband, hero, Avenger, and Iron Man.” Peter cracked a small smile, the midmorning cast a glowing light on the scene in front of him resembling something Peter would envision as paradise. Tony loved sunrises too.

Peter slowly crumbled into a criss-cross position, no more than six inches from the headstone as his head buzzed with what he should do, what to say. He had no clue on how to start, but dead men couldn’t judge. 

The sixteen year old began, “Hey Mister Stark.” Tears were already forming and he rubbed the salty droplets with the palm of his hand. Only three words and he was already crying, it was almost laughable. He shook his head continuing, “Hey Mister Stark. It’s been three months since well, y’know.” He couldn’t say the words out loud, and he didn’t make an attempt. He continued, “I hope you’re doing okay up there, with the Black Widow and Cap. I, we really miss you. Pepper, the other Avengers, Morgan, who by the way is adorable Mister Stark.” He paused voice cracking, “She looks just like you Mister Stark, and don’t worry, I’m going to keep her safe. I need you. It’s not the same without you. I can’t carry on, be Spiderman without you. Nothing's the same anymore.” His breathing hitched and he let the sobs escape his lips, “Mister Stark, I can’t do it! Not without you!” He longed for  someone to hug him, preferably Mister Stark, wipe the tears off his face and speak in just the right way that told him that everything would be okay. 

But when Peter’s eyes fluttered awake once again, he found himself in the same cruel reality he was in moments ago, one without the warm eyes and promising smiles he was accustomed to. Just an abundance of sad, tight-lipped smiles and hollowed, sympathetic eyes.

He knew he sounded childish, but quite frankly, he doesn’t care. 

He kept going because now, he couldn’t stop the rambling, “Mister Stark, I miss you so much. Everyday I think of you in Heaven watching over us, and I know it’s selfish, but I’d trade anything to have you back. Anything. Every night, all I can think about is when I died in your arms.” He paused, that was the first time he had been able to say what really happened. He didn’t disintegrate into nothingness, he died. He continued, “And when you guys brought us back, and when we finally hugged- we were finally there Mister Stark!” He let out a watery chuckle as he reflected back to 2017 and 2018 where the last of his good memories remained dipping his head down as he wavered, “And when you snapped…”

He remembered succumbing into the darkness, just to be woken up with orange magic produced by the wizard as he speaks, “C’mon Peter, the Avengers need us! We’ve got to beat Thanos, it’s been five years, let’s go.”  

Peter’s completely confused, seeing other Rogue Avengers such as the Scarlet Witch, the guy with the metal arm he fought, and the other guy who commented about the amount of talking in battle, a talking tree that was most definitely awesome, the King and the Princess of Wakanda, the people who didn’t wing taking ass and kicking names and so much more. But the Avengers, Mister Stark needs him. 

And he’s an Avenger. It’s his calling. 

So he’s swinging through a portal, feeling giddy with excitement and adrenaline as he gets into a total superhero pose, face set as he witnesses the battlefield around him. The other Avengers, except the Black Widow lay amongst the rubble, faces in shock as the ones who turned to dust emerge very much alive. The excitement is contagious as more and more Avengers enter the battleground, each promising vengeance against the sins of the Mad Titan. Peter scans the crowd, and falls into a look of relief when he sees Iron Man. They’ll be okay. 

They’re all lining up now, the entire Dora Milaje follows the King’s chants, and a whole army that could take on the entire galaxy unites against a striving cause, it’s poetic. The Mad Titan stands there unfazed in front of his army that serves his command and word, but they all can see the fear that strikes the Titan’s eyes.

Oh, he’s so screwed. 

They all unite into two levels, the Captain America leading the ones on the ground, and Iron Man leads the ones capable of flight. He swings onto Antman launching himself into what will be the most glorious, most legendary fight in all of history. 

They go charging headfirst into the battle, tackling all the monsters Thanos throws at them, killing them with ease as they all unite to keep the gauntlet safe in their hands. He keeps his ground saying the words in an urgent way, “KAREN, active Instant Kill Mode!” He never thought he’d be saying that, but it’s the fight of their lives. The Avengers will not lose a second time. 

Then, the Captain who was wielding Mjolnir, aka Thor’s Hammer calls out in an authoritative tone, “Hey Queens, heads up!” Peter, who holds the gauntlet tight in his grasp gets flung in the air with Thor’s hammer, landing onto the pretty lady with the flying Pegasus. 

The next few minutes were a hazy blur of hopping on and off of different Avengers till an explosion sent him rocketing to the ground under some rubble-gauntlet still tightly encased in his super Spidey grip. 

The breath is knocked out of his lungs as his back harshly thudded on the soil, heaving for very much welcomed breath. That’s when he heard FRIDAY’s femimine voice blare over the comms, “Something has entered the atmosphere.” That’s when a glowing light shoots down from the sky emitting waves of energy as the being effortlessly flies through Thanos’s ship, completely destroying it and facing Thanos as she stands in front of his sinking ship. 

The Mad Titan looked into the skies with perplexion written all over his face. He doesn’t recognize the being as one of his own, and wears confusion as to who this powerful being is, but only grit his teeth as he regripped his hold on his weapon on what he knows will be a memorable battle whether he lives or dies. 

The glowing woman began to gracefully descend onto the rubble near him, sending small clouds of dust into the air. He’s so deep in awe that all he can formulate to escape his thin, weary lips is, “Hi, I’m Peter Parker.” 

The woman flashed a kind yet confident smile as she quipped, “Hey Peter Parker, got something there for me?”

Peter handed her the gauntlet breathing out as the entire alien army begins to charge at them, “I still don’t know how you’re going to get through them.”

That’s when Peter heard the thick Sokovian accent of the Scarlet Witch as she stood tall, vengeance crossed against her face speaking, “Don’t worry.” The Wakandian General twirled her spear and a hard look of her own finishes, “She’s got help.”

And all the female Avengers pay their tribute to the Black Widow, and assemble. 

But a little bit before the whole chase the guy with the gauntlet, he's running around the dirty atmosphere kicking alien butt while at the same time looking for Mister Stark. He doesn't know which way he's going, except this whole area is the battle terrain, and he intends to make it out of this one alive. 

He's suddenly getting a momentary break when he saw Mister Stark and staggered towards him. It felt refreshing to lay eyes on the man again, who looks equally soothed to see him. 

He began rambling because he's had five years of no one to talk to and Mister Stark will probably have questions so he started going, "Hey Mister Stark! Everything became all black (it did, but he purposely excludes the fear that came along with it) and then I woke up, and Doctor Strange was doing his orange thing y'know?" He mimicked the Sorcerer Supreme's gestures and the next thing he knew Mister Stark has his armoured arms around him, sighing constantly against his chest. 

Peter felt slightly confused but leaned into the hug nevertheless, almost blurting out, “I didn’t think we were there yet”. He relaxed, and put his arms around the older man sighing, “This feels nice.” Each savors the hug because there’s a war that needs to be fought, and Thanos will take no more lives. 

At least that was what was supposed to happen.

Everything suddenly became incredibly blurry when Thanos got the gauntlet from a different Nebula and now everyone was panicking because this time Thanos was going to kill them all. Captain Marvel proved to be physically stronger than Thanos but with a blast from the Stones, was sent flying off. Then Peter watched in fear as Mister Stark went against the Mad Titan, and could only think of what happened the last time the two went toe to toe with each other. A moon was thrown, and he almost lost Tony Stark. 

Somehow, Tony managed to pry the Stones off Thanos’s gauntlet, which was revealed when Thanos looked confused when he snapped his fingers, only for nothing to happen. 

Peter felt a sigh of relief escape his lips, because now, Thanos had no chance of winning. He had a sudden urge to scream, “HA!” when he saw who possessed the power of the Infinity Stones now. 

Mister Stark sat there with a defeated look on his face where Doctor Strange held up a finger indicating the gruesome reality: that this was the only way. 

The only way to defeat Thanos was to snap the Stones. 

Which meant that Tony, and only Tony would be able to give Thanos the ending he so deserved. 

He watched helplessly as Tony accepted his fate, his destiny, his legacy as he spoke with cutting revenge, but at the same time a face and tone that was dripping with “fuck you” as he spoke, “And I, am, Iron Man.”

Everyone heard the snap of Tony Stark’s armoured fingers. 

Everyone helplessly fell under the white light. 

Everyone was filled by a sickening feeling as they saw the near dead corpse of Tony Stark. 

The Tony Stark who was deemed as the least caring person in the world, who would rather find a solution around the bush instead of making the ultimate sacrifice, made the ultimate sacrifice. 

Peter remembered being the first one to run to Mister Stark, and couldn’t help the leaking tears flood as he softly begged Mister Stark to open his eyes, the burnt expression forever embedded in his memories, “Mister Stark, we did it.” He wailed at the same time pleading as the water wiped his grime-ridded cheeks as Mister Stark slowly became lifeless as his eyes that were once full of love, care, and pain melt into a mere hollowness. Peter collapsed to his knees and has to be pulled away from Pepper, who gently lead her husband into the afterlife. 

Peter remembered sitting there utterly terrified and helpless as the man who has been his idol, his father figure, someone he trusted and grown to care about, exit the reality he had built an entire legacy upon. He can’t get the slowly ending heartbeat escape his lips, until the sound halts to a complete stop. 

Peter can only helplessly feel the panic as his cries began to increase softly and refuses to move away from Mister Stark’s side as every other Avenger except for Pepper and Rhodey take a knee for the man who had been misjudged by numerous, and would never be forgotten.

All Peter felt was a hollowing pain, and so much sadness as he sunk his head when his mentor breathed no more. 

Peter’s voice trailed away, and forced himself to restabilize his breathing, using the same techniques that Tony had taught him. He resumed, “I’ve already lived through so much loss in my life, you’d think I’d be used to it. But I’m not. Each time, it hurts more and more, and I can’t take it anymore. My parents, Ben, hell, I even thought that May, Ned, and MJ died. Well, I wasn’t totally wrong. You were a father figure to me and I cherished every moment I spent with you.”

A watery sigh slipped through his lips as he continued, “And a part of me still doesn’t believe that you’re gone. Everywhere I go, I see your face.”

And all the memories we spent together, and all the years that I’ll have to wait till I get to see you again. I can’t live without you Mister Stark, everyone else moved on. Cap lived through the past, and handed the mantle of Captain America to Falcon. Hawkeye’s reunited with his family, and really misses Natasha. I overheard the team, the new team anyway lead by Captain Marvel about two Hawkeyes. I dunno, the world’s a mess without you. You might not have been the leader like Cap, but sure as heck kept the team together. You kept me together. 

The chilly air breezed past Peter, causing him to hunch over his shoulders, sparking nostalgia one of his favorite memories to  run through his head. He sighed, slightly leaning forward as a sad smile accompanied by the fond memory, “Mister Stark, remember the day I actually got a scholarship at SI back in December 2017?”

Peter knew that Mister Stark recognized his genius, otherwise he wouldn’t have recruited him for Germany or let him work at the lab every Friday and Saturday, well Mister Stark would pick him up on Fridays and drop him back off Saturday night. But what he didn’t expect, was for Mister Stark to recommend him to have an actual scholarship at SI, one that any Ivy League school would be a fool not to accept. 

He honestly didn’t think he was going to get accepted. He was just a fifteen year old kid with a knack for science and math that happened to be one of Mister Stark’s favorite people, and the friendly neighborhood vigilante/Avenger-ish Spiderman. Nothing special about him. 

So Peter thought that Mister Stark was playing a joke on him when Mister Stark wore an overly giddy smile as he spoke with a slight smirk, “Peter, guess what?”

Peter flashed Tony a confused look, “What?”

Tony smiled at the boy’s innocence, “Guess who got the SI scholarship?” 

Peter shrugged, “I dunno, maybe Brad, or Zack? They’re pretty smart.”

Tony sighed, “Peter, I swear, stop degrading yourself. You’re literally the second smartest person I know, second to me obviously. You, silly, you won the SI scholarship.”

Peter blinked, and spoke in a voice that was somewhat his own, “Me? Really?”

Tony slung an arm around the teenage boy, “Yep, you. And you better believe it Petey pie, because you, my near prodigy, are getting a special dinner. I’m so proud of you, you know that Pete?”

He wrapped his arms around the vigilante, “I really am proud of you kiddo, in fact, let’s go call Aunt Hottie.”

Peter rolled his eyes giving Tony a stern look, “Mister Stark!”

Tony chuckled as he ruffled Peter’s stubborn curls, “Kidding, kiddo. Kidding. Now c’mon.”

Peter chuckled and pretended to miss the hiccup that accompanied it, “You were so proud, even more than May, which was really something. You even took me to that super fancy restaurant in Manhattan, which by the way was extremely fun! And you insisted on taking a photo and Happy, of all people to be the cameraman.”

His voice trailed away when he added, “Mister Stark, I miss you so much. Everywhere I go, all I can do is think of the memories we spent together, and that you’re gone. I think I understand how you felt, upset that I was gone, and you tried to bring me back. That’s when Pepper told me, a part of me felt guilty at first, that you risked your life, and knew of the risks for little ol’ me, but then I realized, that you really did care about me, Mister Stark. Thank you for that.”

He continued, voice getting stronger by the word, “I just wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done for me Mister Stark, really. You really are my favorite Avenger. Mister Stark, I’m going to come here every day and as Morgan delicately says, I love you 3000.”

A/N: Awww... I literally spent a whole month on this, and I'm quite proud of it actually. So if it's not too much trouble, could you guys leave some feedback on what you liked? Did you catch the references to Phase 4, along with Zack (if ya know ya know) and the photo with Happy being the photographer (RDJ's Instagram post)? Pls leave some feedback on your thoughts on this.

-Sarah