Took a long ass time to update this book but when I'm being depressed how will I motivate others. but no worries, better late than never.

Hope you enjoy this and I sort have motivated you guys in some way or other!

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"Life sucks yaar!"

"Life isn't fair!"

"Why is this happening to me!? I never wished or prayed that something bad to happen to others, then why me?!"

We do think like this don't we?

That how life is unfair with me, how life makes me taste only failures, and sometimes, why did I even get a life if it was meant to be like this!

And these were the exact same thoughts which my mind was revolving around for two months now. Until... *Dramatic pause*

Until I started getting the symptoms of corona aka COVID 19 aka ZJB (Zindagi Jhand Bimari) my sweet little brother gave that name to me by the way. *don't forget to note the sarcasm*

Those who angry with me that I didn't tell you this, I'm sorry don't be angry because I really don't have the strength right now to manofy you people!

And don't worry I don't have corona because I haven't taken the test yet, but I'm doing all the home remedies.

But this is not what I want to talk about today.

So two days back when the actual symptoms started, frankly speaking, I was scared shit and I still am, because obviously I don't wanna die so early, no one wants to die but *dramatic pause again* it isn't in our hands.

Coming back to the topic, I was standing in my balcony tow days before with a cup of tea, thinking. thinking what all shit is happening in my life since two months.

1) I'm unable to write chapters of my story like I used to.

2) I don't think i can handle the community well.

3) I'm not even able to be my own therapist, counselor, or psychologist, and Babu Rao's voice in my head instantly says "kya psychologist banegi re tu!"

So yeah in short I was insecure about my writing, my community, about my career.

And a few days before this I even searched some important tips to become a writer, and I came across a video called 'These are the five signs to know you are a writer' and the keeda in me obviously clicked on the thumbnail.

Now the fun part starts!

All the five sings, like all, the whole five signs did not match to me, the personality I'm and blah blah. Being insecure and watching that video.... what it did to me, I can't even define to you guys!

Writing to me is something I treasure dearly because it was given to be my priceless possession and hell will break loose if I'll disappoint him in this!

I got depressed. No therapy, no counseling tricks, nothing seriously nothing worked.

I stopped writing!

I made another account because of these insecurities because I didn't feel like operating my own account anymore because every time I used to go to my notifications, out of habit I used to swipe left which shows the news feed and there I used to see my fellow talented writers whom I follow thanking their readers or some of the readers praising the other talented writers for writing so good and etc which is a really good thing but apparently made me more depressed because I thought I can't write like them! and like every other human I started wallowing myself in self-pity!

And I have no shame to accept this.

I thought that I wasn't made for writing and now it been nearly a month I didn't write a single word until this evening.

But when the day before yesterday I was standing in my balcony and recalling those days a thought came in my mind.

If I died! Hypothetically okay! Pray that I don't even if you hate because I don't wanna die for many reasons, sizzlers, and my FMC family being the most prominent one because wo log mujhe zinda karke waps mardenge if they had the ability to do so!

Jokes part if I die, I really really really don't wanna die like this!

What face I'll show to my nanu when I'll meet him that I couldn't do shit or I could have but, my insecurities held me back to do something. That will be a disappointment for him, not my trying and not succeeding in it at least I can tell him that nanu I tired!

And at that moment I knew what I had to do, I fought with my brother, got the laptop, clicked on my Wattpad profile but instead of clicking on the 'write' option I clicked on the notification because again the keeda inside me was bubbling up and there I saw few notifications of people updating their chapters, few 'Please update' comments but before I could click the 'write' option the laptop showed low battery, courtesy my brother, but I had to write because I had that adrenaline rush inside me which wasn't gonna cool down before I write few words.

I took my mobile, I thought laptop nahi toh mobile, but then again as per my habit I went to notifications first, and again I swiped left which took me to the news feed and again same those praisings and etc, my mood of writing was gone, like completely vanished! I logged into my second account not before visiting the FMC account and getting double depressed because of the low response to our new book.

At night I was just tossing and turning on my bed because of this stress and etc, I couldn't sleep, so I did what I always do, took my earphones and cellphone, clicked on Spotify, again clicked on my playlist and sat down with closed eyes, I thought this may help me a little but apparently this didn't work too, getting irritated I threw my earphones somewhere hit the back head twice to the wall and started staring at the moon.

Then when I came back to my consciousness like when I calmed down from my irritation and anger I started analyzing everything, every freaking thing that happened in these two months and I got the root cause of it!

1) I was comparing myself

2) I was escaping not fighting!

3) I. Gave. Liberty. To. Others. To. Control. My. Life!

Fucking shit it's my life and I know better what I'm, who I'm, what should I do, not any YouTuber who will decide that if these signs match then and then only you can write or become a writer!

I was like you dumbhead, behsarm, pagal ladki, zindagi ke do mahine ese hi waste kardiye where I could have written at least two chapters of my every story!

It's me, only and only me who will decide that if I can do this or not and I'm not am an idiot or stupid to let anything go with putting up a fight!

The second one, I was escaping, the second account which I made was my escape route and not the way of fighting! Instead of fighting, accepting that I lack somewhere, accepting that I need to work hard if I need to achieve something, I wallowed myself I self pitty. Self-pity is good but not to the extent where it starts consuming you.

And first, comparing myself with others, I'm my own individual and they are their own. They are leading their life and I should lead mine why the fuck I want to think

"yaar why I can't I write like her, I can't I write like him?"

And I have the answer now because bro you are not him or her!

You are you!

And instead of cribbing crying, getting depressed why the heck don't I concentrate on becoming the better version myself and if I only want to compare, the only person I need to compare is ME and no one else.

They have their own unique writing skills and I want to build my unique one, they are setting their benchmark why don't I concentrate on setting on my own!

And now I have added another mantra in my life which I really need to and want to follow, it will take time but I don't wanna give on this!

"Don't feel or get insecure with other's work, be insecure with your own."

And I really hope with this I become a better version of myself.

That's it!

I really wanted to share this because I thought many of us need it and if I have motivated even a sing one of you, please do let me know it will make me feel really better.

But before you go do watch this video and go, this video was I needed this time which I luckily found where I was searching for a video to motivate my cousin brother for his upcoming 12th result.

Amy Morin is a psychotherapist and best selling author of "13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do".

That book is a must-read if you haven't!

Enjoy the video, believe me, it'll help you a lot!

Also, do the tag as much as people you can you never know you one tag may change someone's living!

I'm also tagging the people I know in the comment section, and I'm sorry for disturbing you guys!

Thank you

With love,
Amaya.K
amaya_kashaf

#Musicophilias
FMC 💙🎶