Warnings: things that overall suck like homophobia, internalized homophobia, bullying, toxicity in relationships. Also mentions of alcohol. And almost 8k words, whoops. 

General plot was based on the show Eyewitness (2016). 

{Kellin.}

"You take pictures, right?"

That's how it all began. Four simple little words that I didn't pay much attention to in the beginning. A question about something I enjoyed doing more than anything, and that coming from him made me both curious and terrified all at the same time.

When I arrived at the small town of Tivoli, New York a few months ago I had just about the lowest expectations. My mom had just started rehab and I had to stay with a foster family until she got better. Jury's orders. The family wasn't that bad to be honest, they seemed like pretty alright people. It was a couple that wanted to practice having children before they made their own. I bet they never expected to get a teenager, though.

Gwen was this woman in her 30s with blonde hair and a sweet voice, but a hard temperament. And also the town's sheriff. And Blake was her veterinarian husband, who I could tell had a heart of gold and would do anything for her. They lived in this huge cottage house that had nothing on the place I used to live with my mom. But as great as they were, I didn't want to be there. I felt too different, I felt like I would never belong, with them or with anyone. I missed my mom and the rundown apartment and my old friends and my life in the city.

The first few weeks of school were hell. For some reason I was targeted as the new weird city kid and no one wanted to come near me. I guess they all heard stories of why I was living in their town or rumors that I was gay and somehow that made me a leper in their eyes. Whatever. As if I cared. I only had to survive a few months of living in the dullest place on Earth and then go back to the city and everything would be okay again. I thought it would be easy. I just had to go unnoticed by everyone and I'd be fine.

Until he came along and ruined all my plans.

Vic Fuentes was the type of guy everybody loved at Red Hook High School. He was popular as one can get in a small town school, he had the most friends, he was funny and extroverted and the life of the party all the time. He was into motocross and that was way cooler to everyone than being a sports team captain or the brightest kid of the class. And yeah, he was also hot. All the girls swooned anytime he walked past them and I honestly couldn't blame them.

The first time I saw him was on my first day while I was walking down the hallway, trying not to get in the way of anyone and cause unnecessary drama on my day. He was leaving a classroom and talking to a group of guys who I guessed were his friends and as he walked in the opposite direction I was going, he looked at me. It felt like he was the only one who could see me.

And he gave me this look that back then I had no other way to describe as other than odd. I didn't mean to look back, it was not my usual thing, but with him it was nearly impossible. He was laughing about something some other guy was saying yet his eyes remained on mine and it all went by in slow motion. And once he walked past me I turned around and stared at his back as he went his way. I didn't miss how his head tilted slightly towards me. As if wanting to see if I was looking back too.

Fast forward a few weeks he asked me the question.

I was at the convenience store looking for some things Gwen asked me to bring home after school, I was just browsing through the milk cartons trying to find the soy one when he appeared out of nowhere. He laughed at my startled reaction and I refrained from rolling my eyes.

"Uh... yeah?" I told him answering his question, unsure as to why he was talking to me in the first place.

"Neat," he said, that grin plastered all over his face. "I'm trying to launch a YouTube channel, you know, showing my tricks on the bike and all, and I wanted someone that knows what they're doing to take the shots. Would you be interested?"

I looked at him like he was insane. Up until then he had never spoken to me once. Barely anyone did. So I had a right to be confused.

"How do you know I like taking pictures?"

Vic shrugged. "I've seen your Instagram."

I'm sure that wasn't supposed to make me smile, but it did. "You've been stalking me?"

His grin was really infectious. "I've only been scouting my new videographer."

So I agreed. Because the project genuinely sounded like fun and because, yeah, I really wanted to spend time with him. For some reason.

During our first shoot together I couldn't help but to gape at him in his motocross gear. He wore a tight black jersey that had splashes of blue and red fabric on the sleeves with matching pants and gloves. He was tying his long hair in a bun before putting on his helmet, and I was trying really hard not to stare so much. And I really hoped he didn't notice me mentally drooling over him. I think he did, but I'm glad he didn't say anything.

He gave me a small smile before closing the face shield and started up his dirt bike. And as I watched him ride through sand pits and make jumps and turns with the most impeccable skill from the viewfinder of my camera, I knew I hadn't made a mistake by accepting the offer.

"So, what'd ya think?" Vic asked taking off his helmet and shaking his head, some of his brown curls falling from the bun he made before.

"Oh, yeah. That was great." I tried to focus on anything other than his face. "Got amazing shots, definitely."

"Fantastic," he grinned.

And our days went on like that.

Another few weeks into our arrangement he started giving me this look that made me wonder if somehow something was going on between us. I often let it slide, thinking that he could never be into me and I was imagining things. I bet I was the only out guy in the whole town and I didn't want to get involved in any drama.

I didn't get it, though. His eyes always lingered. His fingers often brushed against my hand. He texted me all the time. We had a great time whenever we hung out for our shoots. Yet in school it was like I barely existed. He avoided me in every way possible.

In the end I decided I didn't care.

×××

"Hey Kellin, check this chick out."

We were on the outskirts of town and had finished shooting for the day. It was sort of late, but we stayed out. Vic had gotten some beers from his dad's cabin and we were passing them back and forth, there were only a handful and we wanted to make the most of the few bottles. We sat at these rocks, legs crossed and knees touching each other's.

I leaned over his phone to see the picture of a girl who had commented on Vic's latest video. His channel was getting all sorts of attention and was going really well. He had gone and retrieved her profile picture where she posed in a, rather very small, bikini. I rolled my eyes because he was such a guy.

"What about her?" I shrugged and he looked at me like I was insane.

"What about her?!"

"I don't see the point of objectifying that girl," I shrugged.

"Dude.. Are you blind or are you gay?" He crackled and laughed to himself.

Of course I didn't laugh along and in a few seconds he noticed.

"Wait a second, are you gay?" His eyes popped open.

I just looked at him, feeling like a deer caught in headlights and like some invisible walls were closing up on me. I didn't have a problem with my sexuality. I accepted myself way before. But I didn't want to lose this weird friendship I had with Vic.

"Uh...What if I am?" I said tentatively. "Would you have a problem?"

He looked away immediately and I could already feel dread growing inside me. His brow was furrowed and he was looking at the ground intently, as if it was the most interesting thing he ever saw. I could've killed to know what he was thinking.

"But... how do you know? That you're, you know."

I wasn't expecting that and I shrugged to myself. "Um, well, how do you know you're straight?"

I could see the muscles of his jaw tighten. He didn't say anything.

"Vic if it's going to be a problem, it was nice hanging out with you really," I started to say but was caught off guard with the way he turned to look at me, shaking his head.

He was closer than I remembered and his eyes held this intensity to them and he looked so scared. I didn't know what was going on through his head. Then his eyes dropped to my mouth and I felt my heart stop. I really thought he wanted to kiss me. And my body having a mind of its own leaned in the tiniest bit, which was probably a mistake anyway.

I didn't expect to be shoved to my side yet I wasn't really surprised when it happened either. I sat back automatically, clutching my cheek. He didn't hit me per se but my heart was beating so fast. I avoided his eyes at all costs and got up, my mental alarms going wild in my brain. I couldn't believe how stupid I was. Now everything was going to get worse for me after he tells everyone at school that a) I'm a confirmed gay and b) tried to come onto him.

"Alright," I mumbled as I started to leave.

And then he surprised me again.

"S-sorry," he grabbed my wrist, making me sit again. I kept looking the other way, still embarrassed and, honestly, a bit angry too. "Don't, don't leave Kellin."

His hand made its way to my cheek and I was forced to turn and face him again. His eyes held so much fear. I didn't know what he was doing. He had no idea either probably. His lips touched mine ever so slightly and I could feel it everywhere. He pulled away in less than a second, still unsure and scared. His eyes bore into mine. I gulped down and leaned in again, properly kissing him. And he let me.

It was out of this world. His lips were rough and we tasted like beer and I never expected for his hair to be that soft, but as my hands ran through it all I could think was shit, he's amazing. And when we pulled away, faces flushed and gasping for air, he stood up and picked up his helmet from the ground. My heart was still beating so fast.

And before he could put it back on he said, "no one's going to know about this Kellin, I'm not gay like you."

×××

I expected nothing that next day at school. I was already dreading the day because I didn't know if Vic told his friends about me and what happened. He didn't text me back the night before and there were no new messages when I woke up. From experience, I was going to be the creep who tried to kiss him and perverse him into whatever it is he was going to make up and I was probably going to get beat up or something. I was waiting for the worst.

I didn't expect to just be blatantly ignored at the building's entrance by his clique, though that's exactly what happened. I followed his path with my eyes as he passed me, trying to make him look at me and give me a sign of, of anything, but I was still completely invisible.

He didn't tell anyone. Why would he have told anyway? I was just being dumb.

I decided not to pay it any attention and carried on with my day as a ghost.

×××

"Open your books on page 125..."

I tuned out what the teacher said after opening my book on today's lesson. My dumb head couldn't get Vic out of its thoughts and it was annoying me. And it wasn't helping that he was sitting a few rows ahead, giving me a clear view of his stupid perfect hair falling on his even more stupid broad shoulders. How can one person be so infuriatingly handsome?

I couldn't get our kiss out of my mind either and how amazing it had all felt. I knew I had a crush on him way before, I already thought about him constantly and I smiled anytime he messaged me and I probably stared at his motocross footage for a little bit longer than one would, but this just messed me up even more. I was treading a more than dangerous territory. I couldn't bring myself to care just yet.

From Vic: stop staring at me

I almost laughed out loud at his text. And I didn't miss the way my heart filled with warmth.

To Vic: ?? you're not that interesting.

Just then he turned around to ask for a pen to the girl sitting behind him. I was silently daring him to lock eyes with me. And he did, just as he turned back around. It was probably a millisecond, but it was enough.

From Vic: no shoot today. come over to my place.

I raised an eyebrow.

To Vic: and for what?

From Vic: you'll see.

×××

The second I stepped on Vic Fuentes' room I was pinned to the wall by strong hands holding me in place by my wrists. And I didn't have to wait much for his lips to crash into mine again, molding perfectly against my mouth and moving as if this was the most normal thing for us to do. I kissed him back of course, because I could never think clearly with him around, and he was also a very good kisser.

"Well, hello." I said once I had to catch my breath.

"Hello, Kellin." He grinned at me, glancing to my mouth again.

I didn't reply as he leaned down and kissed me again. I closed my eyes and let myself savor in the feeling that ignited inside me. I really, really liked this. I really liked him. I gasped as I felt his tongue part my mouth open.

"Wait, aren't your parents home?"

He gave me a smirk. "It's just my dad, and no. He's not home. We're all alone."

As much as I didn't want to, his words sent shivers through my whole body.

His smirk grew bigger as he stared into my eyes, reaching one hand to clear some bangs out of my eyes and making me gulp down.

"Make yourself comfortable," he said and stepped away from me. "I'll be right back."

I could finally breathe properly again and also see the room on full display. It was your typical teenage boy room. Wooden floors, posters of bands and different MX stuff I didn't know about on the walls. His bed was made and the blinds were half shut giving the room only a little bit of sunlight.

I walked over to his bedside table and glanced at a framed picture he kept there. It was a younger Vic sitting on a woman's lap that looked very much like him. He was smiling brightly and it made me smile too. His smile still looked the same.

I sat on the ends of the bed and sighed, wondering what I was supposed to do. Just then, Vic walked back into the room, typing on his phone and smiling at whatever he was reading. Whatever it was, it must've been important. Then his phone rang before I could even say anything and he took the call in a second, leaving the room once again.

I groaned and plopped down on the cushions behind me. I stared at the ceiling fan spin and spin around and around and thought I'm in Vic Fuentes' bed. I'm in his room, his house. I basically just made out with him.

I got so lost in my own head I didn't notice him coming back until he started littering kisses on my neck, making me giggle and get goosebumps on my skin. When he reached my mouth he kissed my lips again. He shifted his body so he was straddling my waist and I pulled him closer by his hair. I really enjoyed how soft and thick it felt against my fingers, I couldn't help the groan that escaped me. But my mind couldn't help but to step up.

"Can I ask you something?" I mumbled against his lips and he chuckled.

"Shoot."

"Why don't you speak to me at school?"

He looked at me with this intense gaze in his eyes and tilted his head to a side

"Nobody knows we talk," he finally said, like it was the most obvious answer.

"Yeah, but why is it that bad?"

"Why are you suddenly asking me all this?" I could tell it was bothering him. He sat up, but didn't get off me. I only shrugged.

"Well, it's annoying," I said and he squinted his eyes. "We are at least sort of friends aren't we?"

"You need to stop talking," he leaned into me again and kissed me once more, holding my waist and lifting my shirt just the tiniest bit enough to make me shiver. I was this close to giving in, but made myself push him away.

"N-No," I managed to say. "Vic get, get off me."

He stopped kissing me and I finally got out of his grasp. I stood up and glared at him.

"Can't we at least talk right now?"

"What's there to talk about?"

I refrained from screaming. "...This?? Suddenly we make out in your room? What this is?"

"Kellin, we're just having fun. Why are you acting like such a fucking girl?"

I decided to ignore the last part in order not to punch him in the face. "So I'm just going to be your little bitch? It's not going to happen, Vic."

He only scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Fine. Whatever, man."

I frowned even deeper. "Yeah, whatever."

And he didn't say anything else, so I went out the door and took two steps at a time to leave the house. He didn't once look back.

Whatever.

×××

I was halfway on the route back to my house when I realized a very tiny insignificant detail. I forgot my phone in Vic's room.

My eyes rolled to the sky.

I pressed the breaks on my bike and groaned out loud, hitting my head against the handle. Great. Just great.

It took every ounce of power in me to turn my bike around towards Vic's house again, and once I got there I walked in cautiously. I was not going to ring the bell and see his smug face again. My plan was to go up to his room, take my phone and leave without him noticing. Of course, it was easier said than done.

The second I walked into the room again he looked up from his laptop and started laughing. I gave him the finger and went to get my phone that was on top of the bed ignoring him as best I could.

"I knew you couldn't stay away that long."

"Fuck you," I mumbled and as I grabbed the damn device, Vic grabbed my wrist instead making me look at his stupid gorgeous face.

But for once I couldn't see any trace of malice behind his eyes as he got up and stood in front of me.

"I'm sorry," he said. This boy and his endless surprises. "I shouldn't have called you a girl. I'm very well aware you're not one."

I truly hated him in that moment. But my heart was telling another story. "You should really learn to respect girls."

"Oh because you're such an expert on women."

"It's a matter of basic human rights."

"Keep talking dirty to me," he smirked and I pushed his shoulder trying not to laugh at his stupidity.

He grabbed at my hand instead, and I didn't stop him when he leaned into me to capture my lips in a small, soft kiss.

I realized then that his mouth was like a drug and if I wasn't careful, I could get hooked very easily. And that should've scared me more than it did.

"Let's keep it between us for now," he whispered and kissed me again. I kissed him back.

And I guess that's how it really began.

×××

If you think about it, there are a million different ways to get away with sneaking around with a boy, you just have to very smart about it.

We were very smart about it.

The following weeks were like walking on clouds. I never thought I'd be in that position, meeting in secret to make out with a guy almost every day after school, but that's exactly what we did.

We still went on our shoots and things were going great. Well, as great as they could in our situation. Vic was still weary. I could tell as much. He kept claiming he was not gay, that he was just having fun with me. It was all fun. Fun, fun, fun.

That's what made everything more difficult for me.

I rode my bike to his house most of the time. His dad was out working almost all day so we had plenty of chances to meet. Kissing him was an addiction. Being around him was infectious. And whenever we weren't just kissing, he often watched me edit his videos on my laptop and commented on what he liked better, and also telling me how genius I was. I always begged to differ though.

And we goofed around a lot. He was a very funny guy and he always made me laugh with his occurrences. It made me feel glad I was the one he was making laugh. I was the one he wanted to see all the time. I was the one he wanted to kiss and mess around with.

As long as nobody knew about it.

He always changed when he was alone with me. Once more people were in the picture, it was a different story. He still pretended he didn't even know me. When we passed each other on the school hallways I got a cold shoulder. When his friends laughed at me, he laughed along with them. 

When I accidentally talked to him once out habit, he yelled at me to stop stalking him. And of course I yelled at him back. And we got into a fight in the middle of the crowded hallway, shoving and pushing and punching. His stupid clique teased him for getting into a fight with the queer. We got detention.

"I'm not supposed to like you this much, Kellin. It drives me crazy." He said while we waited for the principal to give us our slips.

"You sure have one way to show it," I mumbled in reply.

He said he was sorry.

I was getting tired of that word.

×××

During the week of our fist fight I managed to avoid him as much as I could. 

I didn't want to deal with his hot and cold bullshit anymore. As much as I told myself to get over it, my heart was aching to see him all the time. I never managed to admit to myself just how attached I was up until I didn't see him every day. I craved being with him so much, but at the same time I was begging for him to just finish whatever it was between us because it hurt too much already. Maybe I should've been the one to say enough. Greed is a very unfortunate flaw. I wasn't ready to be left off the hook and I was starting to fall.

And that's why on that Friday night I got on my bike and rode to his house, just to see him for a bit. He hadn't texted me that day at all since I was still ignoring him, but I wanted to see if we could talk or something. I was being way too optimistic since he was probably out with his friends.

What I didn't expect when I got there was to see all the lights of his house on, loud pumping music coming from some speakers and people from school wandering the front yard. Red solo cups in hands, groups of friends mingling around, couples doing couple things.

He was having a party.

"Hey who invited the freak?" Some guy yelled upon seeing me go through the front door. I rolled my eyes and gave him a very polite middle finger.

I kept walking through the bodies filling the house, some giving me nasty looks and shoving me away, not really knowing what to do. I didn't even know why I came inside. It was clear if I found Vic he wasn't going to give me the time of day. I still wanted to see him though. I just couldn't find him.

Until I did.

Have I mentioned that he's infuriatingly hot? Well, he looked even better holding a beer bottle to his lips. The sight would've made me swoon right then, if it weren't for the fact that he was smirking and grabbing a brunette girl from the waist. Yeah. That was nice to see.

They were standing close. Extremely close. It didn't take a genius to figure out what was happening. So if that's how it was going to be, no problem. No problem at all. We were nothing after all, right?

He didn't even notice I was there, watching the show he was putting on for everyone present. And just as the girl stepped on her tip toes towards him, I had to turn around. I couldn't take anymore. I've never been severely injured in my life, but this felt like getting a knife stabbed on the chest. Right on that stupid organ that made everything worse. And it hurt, a lot. And I didn't expect to feel that.

I swallowed back my tears and shook my head. I wasn't about to cry in front of all these people. I shouldn't feel this way anyway. We were nothing. Just having fun. Well, now I want to have fun.

I quickly spotted a table with tons and tons of liquor bottles. Jackpot. I grabbed one at random, whatever, didn't even look at what it was and decided to at least enjoy this wonderful party he was throwing for who knows what reason.

I took a gulp and felt the instant burn on my throat, but the pain was still there. So I took another, and then another, and then another one just to make sure. Feeling dizzy enough, I walked to the living room where more people were dancing. Fuck it. I threw my bottle up in the air making sure I didn't drop it, and let out a loud laugh. Let's get this party started.

The beat of the song that was playing was groovy and fast and I started jumping around without a single care in the world. Who knew liquid confidence could feel so good? I was aware of the eyes on me. Most of these people saw me all the time at school but decided to pretend I didn't exist. I hated them all for that. If they only knew there's more to life than being popular in high school. I mentally rolled my eyes and kept drinking out of my bottle and when the song changed to a slow more sensual track, I smirked to myself and started swaying my hips along.

Around me couples were dancing with each other, basically grinding to the beat and it only made me want to go over to Vic and do the same with him. Because that would be such a good idea. And I rolled my eyes at myself for not being able to erase him from my mind, even while intoxicated. I took another gulp. Whatever. The only lover I'll take tonight would be the bottle in my hands.

The music kept the mood up with everyone. More people were dancing now and I finally started to forget about my aching heart. I was having fun. And all these people were already wasted enough that they didn't have time to be dicks to me anymore. Or maybe I was already losing sense of myself.

I didn't even notice when someone started dancing with me, grabbing at my waist from behind. I didn't even care. I kept dancing with the stranger. I didn't notice when Vic entered the room either. I had no idea what was going on anymore. The room was spinning and I just wanted to dance, dance, dance the pain away.

His eyes locked with mine from across the room and I brought the bottle up to my lips again, not once dropping my gaze from his. I wanted him to know that I could play the game too. And with his eyes glued to me I took my chance and moved my body in the sultriest way not even I knew I had in me.

My sight was pretty dizzy, but I didn't miss the way his jaw clenched at my actions. And I didn't miss when the girl from before stepped out too and stood beside Vic either. And I certainly didn't miss the way my heart started aching again. No matter how much alcohol I had in my system it still hurt. No matter how much I tried, he was never going to love me. Because I'm a boy and he's also a boy and he's not okay with that. And it was tearing me apart, because I might already love him.

So I stopped dancing and tried to calm my breathing down and I tried to drink more but my hands were shaking. I put the bottle down on the nearest table and rubbed my eyes. Everything was still spinning. I didn't want to be there anymore. I wanted to be home. My home. With my mom and my old friends, away from this awful town with their awful people and awful boys that can't stand the thought of being into another boy.

I glanced at him again and he was still looking at me while the girl was talking to other people.

"What are you doing?" He mouthed, accusing, a deep frown on his face.

I grabbed at a solo cup and raised it in his direction giving him a bitter smile. And then started laughing at what I could do with that red plastic cup. I could so easily go up to him and pour it over his stupid cap covered head. The girl was probably going to screech and everyone else would gasp out loud and Vic would throw daggers at me with his eyes asking me what the fuck are you doing?! And I wouldn't care whatever he starts yelling at me along with the rest of these people.

Funny how that's exactly what I did.

"I hope you're happy." I told him quietly, just for him to hear, while he took off his cap and dried the beer from his face.

And before I left the house, I took the bottle of, oh turns out it was vodka, and stumbled out to the front yard. I had to hold myself up on some car. I felt faint. I couldn't find my bike. I didn't know what time it was. I only remember sitting down on the grass and then everything went dark.

×××

"Kellin can you hear me?"

"Kells?"

"Christ, why did you drink so much?"

"I'll call you later when you feel better alright? I have to go now."

The voice sounded far away. I couldn't concentrate much. My head was pounding. The taste in my mouth was foul. I was sitting somewhere. Felt like stairs. I could see light behind my closed lids.

"I'm sorry I hurt you again."

I felt a pressure on my forehead. A kiss.

The last thing I remember was the roaring engine of a motorcycle leaving in the distance.

×××

"You've got some things to explain," Gwen said, crossing her arms over her chest.

She had set a plate of cereal in front of me, but I couldn't even think about eating that without wanting to barf.

"I already said I was sorry." I mumbled. "I didn't mean to stay out all night."

"And the drinking? Do you know how irresponsible you were?"

I only nodded. I knew she meant well, I'm under her care after all. But I couldn't bring myself to care. I only wanted to go to my room and cry. I'd already accepted that I had to forget about Vic and I wanted to rightfully nope around.

"You should be glad the Fuentes kid brought you over, you could've ended up anywhere Kellin."

That made me look up at her. "Wait what?"

"Of course you don't remember. Kellin, what ever happened that made you drink so much? Is everything alright?"

She put her hand over mine and squeezed. Now I really wanted to cry. Maybe I should've talked to her about it. Her adult insight would've probably helped my situation. I only shook my head instead.

"I want to go rest," I said standing up.

"Alright," Gwen replied. I was silently grateful that she didn't push it more. "I'm here if you need anything."

"Thanks, Gwen."

×××

My phone ringing woke me up from a deep dreamless sleep. I groaned and picked up the device from my bedside table and rolled my eyes at the caller ID. It was almost 6pm.

I accepted the call either way.

"Kellin?" Vic's voice came through the speaker. I only mumbled a reply.

"How are you feeling?"

"Why do you care?"

"Because I do, Kellin."

"That's not an answer."

"You haven't given me an answer either."

"I feel like shit. My head is pounding. My limbs are sore." My heart is broken. I left that part out.

"Did you take an aspirin?"

"Yeah."

There was a small silence.

"Kellin," he paused. "About last night,"

"Forget about it," I interrupted him. I was too tired to hear him say he's sorry again.

He didn't say anything and we stayed in silence again for a few seconds.

"I'm just scared," Vic said finally.

I sighed and turned to my side, the phone still in my ear.

"Don't you ever think that I might be scared to?" I said. "At least I deal with it. You just wish for it to go away."

"It's all so different here than how it is in other places Kellin," he whispered. I wondered where he was calling me from.

"Trust me Vic, I know." I said bitterly.

"Can I see you tomorrow?"

"Vic..." I covered my eyes with my hands. I didn't want to start crying but the tears were already prickling at the corners of my eyes. "I can't take this anymore."

"Please, I want to be better. I," his voice sounded desperate now. "I don't want to lose you."

"You don't even have me, Vic."

"Let me be better for you. I want to see you... I miss you."

I turned again and stared at my ceiling.

Please Vic, have mercy on my heart.

×××

He picked me up at 11 the next morning. I felt a whole lot better after sleeping for so long and taking aspirins and tons of water. Gwen was weary of me going out again, but I told her I had some project to work on with Vic. I'm pretty sure she didn't believe me, but I'm glad she didn't call me out on my bullshit.

I was also weary of accepting seeing Vic again. I guess my heart won the fight this time.

When I walked out of the house my chest filled with butterflies at the sight of him. And I couldn't believe after everything I was still so stupidly infatuated with him. He looked so good wearing his usual skinny jeans, shirt and flannel, he had his helmet off and his brown curls were blowing with the wind. He gave me a smile and I smiled back, albeit a bit smaller.

"Here," he said handing me the spare helmet he carried on the motorcycle. "Put this on."

"Where are we going?" I asked as I buckled it in place.

"It's a surprise." He grinned before putting back his helmet on.

"Fine." I climbed behind him on the bike and wrapped my arms around his torso, those damn butterflies going crazy inside me again.

I had ridden on his bike a few times before and it's always felt sublime. Feeling the wind on my skin, the rush of the speed, the blurring scenery around us as we passed by. I kind of got what the appeal of motocross was for Vic. It was like flying and feeling infinite.

It didn't take long for me to realize where we were heading. Once he took the highway I knew we were going to the city. He was crazy. Riding for so long just for me to visit home for little bit was crazy. I told him that at one traffic light stop, he told me to shush and to enjoy the ride. And I guess that's what I did.

There was something beautiful about highways. I've always loved to take in the scenery of trees and the road and the other vehicles riding along. The sun was also shining above us creating an endless blue sky, yet it was chilly from the wind caused by our speed. I couldn't help but smile to myself and hug Vic more closely, silently wishing we would be running away from everything and be the two of us against the world from then on. Daydreaming was always better than reality.

A couple hours later we reached Manhattan. I had told Vic before about where I grew up. I thought he would've forgotten about that already but maybe he had been listening all along to all I've told him about. My mom was on the rehab center close by, but I knew she couldn't get visitations yet. It killed me not being able to see her. I just knew eventually we'll be together again and everything would be okay once more. For some reason I wanted her to meet Vic too. She would like him a lot. I don't know. I shook those thoughts away as Vic parked the motorcycle outside a cafe.

"Surprise." He grinned, once he took his helmet off. "Welcome home."

"You're insane," I smiled at him.

We had lunch together and it felt so nice to be out and about with him. We walked along sidewalks, I told him stories about the places I liked to hang out with my old friends. At some point I really wanted to hold his hand while walking. We weren't going to get shit from anyone walking together here. But I knew better than to try. I didn't want to ruin this with another pointless fight.

I took him to my favorite bakery and made him try the chocolate donuts I loved so much when I was a kid. He ended up loving them too. And an intrusive thought crossed my mind as I saw him grin at the tasty glaze of the pastry, he had chocolate on his chin and I wiped it with my finger. He actually blushed a bit and my stomach did a flip. You love him. I shook the thought away again.

As it got darker we walked aimlessly through the streets. Vic was gaping at the busyness of the city that never sleeps and I loved to see the amazement in his eyes. It was really beautiful, Vic that is. And as I watched him watch the city I felt the tips of his fingers tentatively reach for mine. I didn't dare move. And once he fully interlocked his fingers with mine, I couldn't help the huge smile that formed on my face. I silently squeezed his hand back and we kept walking.

×××

"Should we talk?" Vic asked once we sat at a park bench.

We had been to so many places and I was starting to feel tired. I had no idea how he was going to ride back to Tivoli. His question threw me off guard though. This day had been perfect so far. I didn't want to ruin it, but we did have to talk about stuff. Mostly him.

I sighed and looked at him. "You tell me."

"Throwing that party wasn't even my idea," he started. I immediately felt my good mood starting to fade away. "It was supposed to be the guys and me hanging out, but they invited all these people and suddenly I was having a party."

"Yeah, I don't really care about you throwing parties Vic," I said slowly. I'm sure he knows that's not what hurt me.

Realization hit him clearly at what I said and he looked to his hands. "You saw me with..."

"Yeah... Was she your girlfriend or something?" I asked.

He shook his head quickly, but it didn't make me feel any better. "She wanted to get with me but, but I didn't want to."

I laughed bitterly. "Are you sure about that?"

"Kellin, I don't want a girlfriend."

I looked at him again and he was already looking back. "And what do you want then?"

"You, obviously."

My heart started beating faster and I looked away to the asphalt. "Don't say things you don't mean, Vic."

"I mean it, I know it's been you since the first time I saw you."

"At the convenience store?"

"Before that."

"What, in the school hallway?"

"Before that."

He lost me. I turned to look at him again and he had this fond smile on his face. His eyes shining with the streetlight's warm hue.

"I saw you when you were moving in with the sheriff. I was taking a ride and I saw you coming out of a car and I thought 'wow, I'd really like to meet that guy'. You looked so cool with those white sunglasses and all."

I couldn't help laughing and he laughed along too. I can't believe he remembers that. I can't believe he saw me on that day. I was wearing those glasses because I had been crying non-stop the night before moving to Tivoli and leaving my mom behind. I didn't want anyone to see my bloodshot eyes. To think he saw me like that and thought that of me was ridiculous to me.

At one point I could feel tears forming in my eyes from remembering all that. God, I didn't know what to do with myself anymore.

"So, you want me but are too scared to be with me?"

Vic sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

"Or am I just your way of figuring things out?"

He snapped his head back. "What!? No. I, fuck, Kellin how can you think that? I like you, I do, I like you so much. I literally just told you I want you and only you."

"I just don't know how to feel about you, Vic." I continued truthfully. "You treat me like trash, but then you bring me to New York and I feel all these things when I see you and when we kiss I forget how to even breathe and I feel so on top of the world when it's just the two of us, but then you bring me down again all the damn time."

"Fuck, I know that, I know all that and I'm so sorry Kellin. I'm an asshole. But I feel all those things for you too, I swear. It's all just so new for me... I've never felt anything like this for anyone and I don't even know how to start that conversation with my friends, or my dad...

"Man, my dad is going to lose his mind. And what about my races? My sponsors won't like that either. I have this aesthetic to follow and I don't think it involves a boyfriend and it's just too much. And I'm so fucking tired of fighting it, I'm so tired of fighting with my head."

I took his hand to calm him down, he didn't pull away. He was shaking.

"It is scary Vic," I said, squeezing his hand even tighter. "It's terrifying. And at first it might seem like such a big deal, but they'll get over it. If they don't, it's on them."

"You make it sound so easy."

"It's not easy at all," I chuckled lightly and shook my head. "But it's your life. And life's too short you know. If you waste it away by being scared you're going to miss out on so much. And one day you'll wake up hating yourself because you didn't let yourself live your truth and by then it might be too late. I personally don't want that for you. Or for anyone."

He was staring at his shoes and after a few moments he looked at the scenery in front of us and I looked in that direction too. There was a couple walking nearby, a guy and girl, holding hands and talking happily with the other.

"What do you think makes us so different from them?" I asked.

He gave me a small smile. "We're definitely hotter than them."

I punched his arm.

"Alright, alright. We're no different from them, I know."

I nodded my head. "Just a human loving another human."

He looked at me then, and I looked back. His eyes still held that deep fear, but this time it didn't stop him from cupping my chin in his hand and kissing me softly. I closed my eyes and tilted my head to kiss him better. My chest tightening inside me. His lips moving slowly against mine.

"I will get there," he gave me a small smile once he pulled away. "I promise."

He kissed me again. And for once he didn't care that we were in the middle of a busy New York park bench. He didn't hold back and he didn't let fear consume him. And nothing else really mattered in that moment. Just us.

"And I'll help you."

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(A/n): raise your hand if you're still struggling or have struggled with your sexuality✋🏼

This story was a tough one to write ngl, but I hope it was average at best!! And also sorry for having taken so long to update.

Some topics in this one are very real and very scary and I tried to come across it as best as I could, I apologize if it triggered stuff. I'm always here if yall ever need to talk 🖤

song fact! I actually really love this song even tho it's heartbreaking, and I once saw a fan made video of it with the show Eyewitness (which is a personal favorite) and ever since then I knew I had to write something based on it someday. And the day arrived jsjs

Anyways, thank you so much reading!! I'll see you on the next one.

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