Warnings: a long af one-shot that could easily be a whole fic, Vic and Kellin through the years, unrequited love, cluelessness, pining, angst, huge slow burn. Oh, and sadness. Happy sad imo, but sad nonetheless.

**Wait for the cue to play the song at the end if you r e a l l y want to feel.** 

{Vic} 

"Make a wish!" My family shouted after they finished singing happy birthday to me.

I smiled widely, staring at the glowing candles on top of my favorite chocolate cake with Happy Birthday Victor written in script blue frosting. I hadn't told my family I wanted Vic to be my nickname yet then, I was still little Victor around the house. I remember the "little" annoyed and of course I wanted to feel all grown up, but I was only turning 12. That day my whole family came to visit me and I'd also had a great day at school. The few friends I had all remembered my birthday and gave me a mixtape cassette which made me so excited. Finding all my relatives waiting for me to have a small party once I got home made the day a whole lot better. 

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, thinking deeply about my wish, and blew out the little yellow and blue candles. Everyone cheered and clapped and one of my tías turned the lights back on. I kept looking at the aftermath of the smoke.

"What did you wish for?" My little sister Lynn tugged at my sleeve, getting me out of my thoughts.

I ruffled her brown hair and chuckled. "You're not supposed to tell, silly." Or at least that's what I'd heard. If you say your wish out loud it won't come true. I took that very seriously.

"I would've wished for a puppy! Oh! Or a pony, that's better." Lynn said dreamily and I had to laugh. I didn't wish for that at all.

"You'll get to make your wish on your birthday," I told her and she whined. Her birthday wasn't in another month.

Someone.

That's what my brain thought of. At such a tender age I didn't really understand why or what it meant. I only remember closing my eyes and wishing for someone. Anyone. I didn't know what sort of someone either. A friend, another sibling? A girl? I guess when you're at the verge of entering your teenage years you're bound to start thinking about that stuff. Love and whatnot. Up until then I had zero interest in relationships, let alone girls. I was a kid after all and girls actually terrified me. I couldn't understand how the other boys at school were starting to get interested. I always shrugged it off and thought that eventually I'll start too.

So I didn't know why when I turned 12 I wished for someone before blowing out the candles.

Eventually I decided to forget about it. I was just being silly. I already had enough siblings (three!) and I already had two friends at school. I didn't think I needed someone else. I let it go and carried on as usual.

But when I turned 13 I wished for the same thing.

It was instant. They asked me to wish for something and I closed my eyes and there was that thought again. Someone. I was a year older and I still didn't have any interest in girls and I still longed for that nonsense. And as the last time I decided to forget about it again.

I revoked my wish for a pair of tennis shoes or a new music player. Yeah, that was better.

×××

My mom always used to say love felt like magic.

When she first told my siblings and I the story of how she met our dad she explained it like that. Magic. The four of us didn't believe her at all. My older brother Leo, who was 16 at the time, scoffed and rolled his eyes. He was bitter then because he got dumped that week again. Lynn and I were giggling like crazy because it was so weird to think of your parents as young people. Baby Sam couldn't be bothered to listen, he was too busy making a mess with his food at his baby seat.

"You kids wait. When you meet that person you just know. You get a funny feeling here," she motioned to her chest. "And also here." She pointed to her belly. "It's like in that movie we watched that one time, where all these unexplainable things happen. Love is like that. And it hits you when you least expect it."

"So it could happen right now?" Lynn asked expectantly and Mom shook her head, giving her a stern look.

"No, no. For you not until you're 30."

"That's so unfair!" She yelled and Mom laughed. "What about Victor?"

"Hm, Victor can when he's 29."

I only chuckled to myself while Lynn kept demanding reasons. Mom just said, "sorry, those are the rules."

When Leo got older he told me when it happened for him. When he knew he'd found The One Mom always talked about. And he told me it really was like magic. He said he felt all those things she had said and even more. He did end up marrying that person when he was 25, but I'll get into that later on.

My mom, she was a romantic. She loved love like no one else. She loved romantic movies and Valentine's day and being a cheeseball with my dad. Dad however, was quieter about the topic. But I knew he loved my mom infinitely. It showed. And I guess because of that I ended up becoming a hopeless romantic as well. Every movie I watched, every book I read, every song I listened to, it all led to love. And it all led to that someone I had been wishing for since I turned 12.

I still had no idea who it was. No one had caught my attention at school or in my neighborhood. Girls were still aliens to me. I couldn't relate to my friends Tony and Jaime with their crushes. But I still wanted it so bad. The idea of love thrilled me. I couldn't wait for it to finally happen. To finally meet them. Whoever it was.

Mom used to call it magic and eventually I did too.

×××

You get to meet a lot of new people during freshman year of high school. It's a rollercoaster kind of year, for sure. Everything's new and everything's scary and there's so much to learn and the world feels so big but small at the same time. For most people, freshman year is the epitome of teenage life. For me, it was the year I met him.

Kellin Quinn.

We didn't have a heart-stopping meet cute or anything like that. It was more like finding an old friend at the grocery store after not seeing them for the longest time. It was as if we'd already known each other for ages, as if we were already friends from another life. Kellin was the sort of dude who didn't care about what anyone thought of him. I always admired him for that.

The first time I saw him I knew he was probably my polar opposite. I was more quiet and nervous while he was loud, funny and outgoing. He was pale and had black hair that fell over his eyes while my skin was sun kissed and my hair short and brown. I didn't let it grow out until the summer before senior year. His eyes were this clear shade of green, which sometimes looked gray or even blue. Mine were simply brown. He dressed in all this alternative clothing and my closet was pretty much full of average shirts and pants. I never in a million years would have put the both of us as friends, but he sat behind me during one English class and that led to us being paired for some project and everything started like that. We ended up becoming friends.

I had spent years only having Tony and Jaime as my best and only friends, but Kellin found his way towards our group and soon enough we were inseparable. Now we were four. Kellin and I had a stronger bond, though. I didn't know how to explain it, but we just clicked. We liked the same music and the same video games. We lived relatively close to each other and he came over almost every day after school to do homework or just hang out. He was so cool back then too. At least to me he was.

I remember him getting along with my siblings too. Lynn loved Kellin from the get go. He always gave her chocolate bars when my mom wasn't looking and she always gave him a kiss on the cheek as a thank you. I always teased her that she had a crush on him and she always smacked me in the head for that. Leo didn't really care for him much, he was an angsty senior after all. But he liked him overall. I knew it when he overheard us listening to a Pantera record and he gave us an approving nod. And whenever Kellin stayed for dinner, he would sit beside Sam who was starting to eat at the table. He would always end up helping him with the food. My parents also loved him, treated him like another son and all. Kellin was just the most likeable guy.

And I sort of liked the guy too. I mean, he was sort of alright.

×××

When Kellin turned 15 I asked him if he made a wish when he blew out the candles.

"If I made a wish?" He asked, seemingly confused.

"Yeah, your wish for this new year you're starting."

"Oh," he raised his eyebrows. "I didn't know you were supposed to wish for something."

I wanted to tease him for that, but soon I realized that no one really told him to wish for anything on any of his birthdays and that made me feel a bit sad.

Kellin's home life was a bit complicated. I knew his dad wasn't in the picture and his mom was always working. He spent most of his time alone after school and that's why I always made sure to keep him company doing whatever together. On that birthday I begged my mom to lend me some money so I could buy him a small cake at the bakery and sing him happy birthday. I didn't like to think about it much, but his mom basically forgot the date altogether. She made up for it the year after, got Kellin his own brand new car. At least the extra hours of work paid off somehow. Still didn't make it any better that she forgot her son's 15th birthday.

Kellin was always so strong. Despite all the difficulties he dealt with at home, he was always that cheerful dude that brought a smile out of everyone no matter what. He made me smile literally the whole time we hung out together. And when I told him about the birthday wishes I decided I wanted to make him smile all the time too. I ended up inventing the Time Machine game which basically allowed us to rewind the last 15 minutes anytime we wanted. We used it for the first time to rewind the moment he blew out the candles. It was extremely silly, but it made him laugh anyway. We only ever used the game in special and urgent ocassions which weren't really a lot. The last time we did was several years later, and I didn't enjoy it one bit.

And so this time before he let the air blow over the tiny flames, he closed his eyes and thought deeply of something. I never knew what it was, but I hope it eventually came true.

×××

"Victor," Kellin called out to me once. It was the end of the school day and he caught up to me at the school's entrance.

"Sup," I said.

"So I was thinking," he started, falling into step beside me. "I'm going to call you Vic now."

I looked at him and laughed. "Vic? Why?"

"Cuz," he smiled. "As far as I know you're not 60 years old."

"I feel like I should be offended."

He wrapped one arm around my shoulder. "Nuh uh, think about it. Vic is cool, Vic is fun, laid back, chill. Vic."

I squinted my eyes at him while he only grinned. "I know you like the sound of it."

I actually did like the sound of it, but I didn't want him to know. I pursed my lips. "Fine, whatever."

He beamed and hugged me tighter to his side. I didn't miss that weird feeling that blossomed in my stomach as he pulled me closer to him. But I didn't think anything of it. I decided to ignore it and carried on with our walk home. As we usually did.

×××

It didn't go past me how I was 16 and I had never been in a relationship, when mostly everyone around me was or had been. Most people in my year were no stranger to kissing or hooking up or going even further than that. For some reason unbeknownst to me I just wasn't meant for romance. Completely unfair, if you asked me.

I was hopelessly longing for someone still. Movies fed me every night, made me dream even more about that person who would turn my world upside down, who would show me all that so-called magic my mom spoke of. I truly wanted it all. I wanted the crush stage and the honeymoon phase and the heartbreak and the making up. I wanted love to be a movie. I wanted love to take me out of the slump I found myself falling into. But no one was offering to be that for me.

Eventually I figured that movies weren't meant to become real life. I was just a regular guy, and all that magic was only meant for the screen. Or for literally anyone else but me. Jaime dated someone new every weekend. Tony met this boy Denis at his chess club after school and it seemed to be turning into something special. Kellin had the biggest crush on a girl in our Bio class.

And I had no one.

Even Lynn wondered when I was going to get a girlfriend. Leo never bothered me about it because he knew more than I did then, even if he was away at college for most of the year. I wish he would've told me though. I could've saved a lot of time.

×××

When Kellin got his car as a birthday present, he literally ran to my house to tell me about it. I told him he was crazy, he could've driven here to tell me about it. He laughed out loud and I remember I loved the sound of that. I loved to see him so happy, his eyes twinkling and his teeth showing. I was happy for him as well. We could finally go on those drives we always talked about. We could go anywhere. Kellin always wanted to be able to go anywhere and now he could. He felt invincible. And as he took my hand and yelled into my house that he was kidnapping me for a bit, and we ran together through the streets like two crazy boys way too excited about something, I felt pretty invincible too.

The car was truly a beauty. He named her Ophelia, not exactly sure why, and it was like love at first sight for us. And so Ophelia became part of our group too. Kellin started picking me up for school every morning and we went out on the weekends to the movies or to the arcade or to concerts. And when my dad taught me how to drive and I got my license, Kellin let me drive Ophelia too. And she also got to witness a lot of things.

Kellin's first kiss with the girl from Bio and his dates with her, for one. Tony, Jaime, him and I singing to the tops of our lungs to our favorite songs. Sneaking out for late night drives to see the stars, or go get McDonald's. The first time we all tried smoking, but decided we would never again. More dates. Studying in a rush for midterms fifteen minutes before the exam. Him arriving with tons of balloons the morning of my 17th birthday. When I finally told him my biggest secret and something I'd known for the longest time: I was gay. The mini road trip we planned for when we finished Junior year and entered the last Summer before being Seniors. The dumb fights he had with me over silly stuff.

And the day he told me he was leaving.

We hadn't been talking for a few days because of a stupid argument again but that night he texted me to go outside and when I did, he was parked up front. I got inside the car and I instantly knew something was wrong. Kellin's hands were trembling and he looked at me with his big clear eyes filled with sadness. I asked him what was wrong and he started crying. And I believe that was the first time my heart broke.

He was moving away. He was leaving town. His mom got a new job and of course she accepted it and now he had to move across the country and start over once again. I couldn't believe what was happening.

"You could stay with me, you basically live here anyway."

"You don't need to tell me twice," he sniffed. We both knew his mom would never allow it.

"What about school, there's only one year left?"

"You think I don't know that?" He shook his head. "God Vic, I'm going to miss you so fucking much."

That's when it really dawned on me that he was really going away. It wasn't a joke or a dream. It was happening. "We'll talk everyday. You have to tell me everything that happens at school and with the guys. I want to be the first to know if you get a boyfriend and who ends up being valedictorian and who takes who to prom. Promise me you'll tell me everything."

He was sobbing by the time he finished and I was crying too. And I promised, even though I couldn't really keep it.

Saying goodbye to Kellin was the hardest thing I had to do at 17. It was like being broken into two. And that was the first time it ever felt like that. In time I got more acquainted with the feeling, but back then it hurt like hell.

The morning he left we all gathered at my house to say our goodbyes. My family was extremely sad to see him go, Lynn was crying non-stop, even Leo was home that day. Jaime and Tony were trying to be the strong dudes who didn't show emotions but the second Kellin hugged them that went to hell. Even Denis, who was alreadya Tony's steady boyfriend shed a few tears while he comforted my friend. We were all a mess. 

And as I saw him drive away with Ophelia and his mom and the moving truck, Leo wrapped his arm around me and patted my shoulder. It was odd of him to have done that, I guessed he wanted to comfort me too. Either way I hugged him back and he'd told me it'd be fine, we'd be alright. I asked how he knew that to which he simply replied,

"You'll find each other again. You guys are meant to be."

×××

I didn't expect it to hurt as much as it did. Being away from him was hell. I missed him all the time and I just wanted him to come knocking on my door and ask me to go somewhere with him. The first days were the worst. We talked all the time but it wasn't the same.

That Summer we spent it glued to our phones, texting back and forth about what we were up to, the music we were listening to, joking all the time. We both knew it wasn't the same though. He was on my phone and I was on his, one text or phone call away, but it didn't compare to having him beside me and hearing him laugh and seeing his smile, and just being with him.

My mom noticed of course, she said something was off with me and I told her I was just sad. I remember the way she looked at me that day. I didn't really understand it. But it made sense in time. I didn't forget about what Leo told me the day Kellin left either. Meant to be. I had no idea what he was getting at and I was certainly too scared to ask too. I didn't want to think about that at all anyway. I didn't want to think at all.

When school started back up again it still felt like something was missing. Tony, Jaime and I were still tight and we were more than eager to finally finish the jail that was high school. Kellin and I still talked pretty much everyday, but with all the classes and work and exams that were common during senior year, we started drifting. I never meant for it to happen. I think he didn't either. Texts started to be left on read, calls started to be missed. Days got busier and more tiring. And just as the leaves started fading into oranges and red, the pang I felt at the memory of him started to subside.

Of course I still missed him, I thought about him plenty everyday. But the mind also got distracted. And I guessed he was busy too. And sooner than I could've ever expected, all the senior year milestones were achieved. The final projects, the exams, the prom, the last sports tournaments, the college acceptance letters. Sooner than I thought, we were cleaning out our lockers and saying goodbye to our teachers and playing the last ever high school prank. Sooner than I thought, we were trying out our caps and gowns and rehearsing for the graduation ceremony.

People were right after all, senior year does go by in a flash.

The day of the ceremony I got a text from Kellin. We hadn't talked in a very long time then and it surprised me when I saw the notification. It made me smile and it also made my stomach fill with butterflies and dread. I truly missed him still, but it was different now. We were different. It was as if something had shifted and I didn't know how to get back to how we were. We hadn't seen each other in almost a year. I had only kept up with his life through social media and I knew the basics of his life thanks to that. I knew he had a pretty girlfriend and a new group of friends, that the city he lived in was beautiful, that he was still into the same music as me.

We used to tell each other everything and now I barely knew him.

×××

My mom, being the overly dramatic parent as always, begged me to have a mother-son day the day before I went away for college. It's still one of my favorite memories I have with her, even when I whined that I just wanted to pack and rest that whole day. It turned out to be the best day. We went shopping for last minute stuff she thought I'd need in my dorm and we ate at our favorite pizza place for lunch. After that we went to an outdoor cinema and watched Matilda from our car. At night my dad bought pizza for everyone and we ate in the backyard of our house under the stars and the night sky.

Lynn, who was already 15 and had dreams of becoming a singer, was going on and on about how she wanted my room to become her music room and dad was actually into the idea. He was really considering building it into a studio sort of room and I couldn't hide my indignation. Sam didn't leave my side either that night. He was sad that I was leaving, he was still so little in my eyes. He was in the third grade and doing so well. It killed me to leave him and miss out on all the things he was going to achieve. I told him that night that he could call me whenever and for whatever reason.

When Leo called later that night, I told him I was scared of everything. I was barely 18 and being thrown into the world. I didn't feel ready for anything. I felt like I was still a kid. He told me he had the same breakdown when he had to leave too, that it was normal and that once I get used to the big change. Everything's easier after that. Leo always knew the right thing to say, back then I didn't believe a word he said because fear blinds and deafens you, but he was right about that too.

After we finished eating and talking and it got late enough for mom to start telling everyone to go to sleep, I laid on my bed looking at the ceiling. My stuff was packed in boxes and bags, I was moving five thousand miles away from home, I was leaving the only world I knew. It's curious how college can cause so much anxiety even before you get there. After you start classes it's a whole different fest but right that second it didn't matter. And I couldn't sleep. So I went downstairs and found mom sitting on the bench we had in the backyard, she was looking up at the stars and the sight alone made me smile.

"What are you doing?" I asked and she startled a bit and turned towards me. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you."

"Honey," she chuckled and braced herself with her sweater. "It's fine. I was just, thinking. With the stars."

The night was silent, the chirp of crickets barely filling the background.

"Sit with me."

So I did.

"Are you sad?" I asked her and she shook her head.

"I'm proud of you darling," she kissed the top of my head, brushing my hair behind my ears. I had let it grow quite a lot and my wavy locks reached my shoulders. "You're going to do so great out there. College is new and exciting and scary, but I know you're going to give it your best. And you're going to experience so many new things too." She gave me this look and I snorted. "You have to be careful, alright."

"Yeah, sure." I scoffed. "I can assure you I won't get any sort of experience you're implying."

"Oh honey," she hugged me to her side. "You will definitely meet somebody new, and you will feel all that love again. Kellin will be a distant memory in the back of your head and you're going to be happy with that new person, whoever that is."

Just then I felt how the entire world tilted on its axis. I could imagine how my face looked. Confused, bewildered. Eyes wide and mouth hanging open, not really knowing what to say. What could I say? I started stuttering nonsense. Mom frowned, realizing she had probably said something wrong and I, I really was at a loss. 

What did Kellin have to do with anything? Love? Somebody new? My brain was going crazy. We hadn't spoken in what felt like forever. I didn't think we were even friends anymore. That thought still stung, but I was over it. Kind of. He barely crossed my mind anymore.

"What are you talking about?"

"Weren't you and Kellin dating?"

"What?!"

"Well, honey. The way you looked at each other, all those smiles, the flirting, how close you two were, how sad you were when he left..."

"Well, of course I was sad, he was my friend."

Mom only nodded her head, noticing how defensive I was getting. "Okay, alright. I got it wrong then, sorry darling."

I couldn't shake the frown from my face, though. "It's impossible. I've never been in love."

She rubbed my back soothingly while my head spinned.

"I've never..." But my mind was playing back tons and tons of my memories with him like an old movie. The way I felt all the time when he was around. All that warmness, all those sparks. The funny feeling. How I loved to see him laugh and see him happy. How I would've done anything for him. The heartbreak I felt when he left. 

Love. 

Kellin.

And that was the moment I realized I had been in love with Kellin Quinn ever since the day I met him.

×××

There was nothing I could do after that illuminating realization though. I still didn't have any contact with him and I went to college as planned and carried on with my life as usual. But now I knew that I had felt the magic once. Kellin had been it for a bit but now he was gone and I didn't think I was ever going to see him again. So what was the point of holding on? If I could feel the magic once, I definitely could feel it once again. I didn't know then that it didn't really work like that.

I was still not over Kellin in the slightest. I still thought about him a lot and I still longed to see him again. I had no idea if he went to college too or what he was doing. His Instagram account had stopped updating, he probably forgot the password and got locked out of his account or something. None of my friends knew anything either. I had to try harder to forget him.

College life wasn't as bad as I had made it out to be. When I was in my second year I had already settled into a comfortable routine where I drowned in work everyday and barely slept and planned to walk into oncoming traffic by accident. But it was alright. My classes were going well at least and I had new friends and I was "coming out of my shell" a bit more. I went to parties and drank (not too much though, didn't really enjoy it) and I went out almost every weekend with my new group of friends anywhere, concerts, museums, parks, weird art exhibitions. We had a lot of fun, the bunch of us.

But no one really caught my attention that way. Sure there were hot guys around, my roommate Andy Glass had a friend who was definitely interesting and he was apparently interested in me too and we met and went out a couple times, but that was it. I didn't feel the magic with him. And that really annoyed me. After all those years I was still hung up. I only ever wanted to be with Kellin. And it was very unfortunate because I was pretty sure I wasn't going to see him again, ever.

Until I did.

I was not paying attention that day. It had been a long one and I just wanted to get to my dorm and drop dead on my bed until the day after. I didn't even care about the homework I had, I just wanted to sleep because I was so exhausted from pulling an all-nighter the night before. And as I was walking and thinking about all this stuff, I didn't really see where I was going and bumped into someone that was running on campus. Like, actually jogging. The impact was so big that I fell incredibly hard on my butt, dropping all my things, and whoever crashed into me also fell to the ground.

"God, can't you watch where you're going?" I groaned as I sat up, gathering my bag and books.

"Should be asking you the same thing," the other voice mumbled.

I struggled to get up and the other guy helped me and also got the rest of my things.

When I finally looked up to the cause of all my struggles, I felt my heart stop beating and my stomach drop to the ground.

Kellin Quinn.

Kellin Quinn stood in front of me.

At first I didn't think it was him because the guy was blonde. But everything else about him was the same. His big bright eyes, his pale skin, his style. It was all Kellin.

"Oh my God, Vic??" His smile was as beautiful as always. And the way he said the nickname he gave me so long ago left me feeling nostalgic.

"Kellin, hi." I smiled too, albeit a bit awkwardly.

"Hey," He brushed the hair out of his forehead. I couldn't believe he dyed it bleach blonde. Why did it look so good?

"Hi." I said again. I guess we didn't really know what to say to each other. He looked at me and I looked back. "Y-you're blonde now." I stupidly said.

"Ha!" He let out a laugh and his right hand went to twirl on a chunk. "Yeah, it's still kinda new. Kinda wanted to try something wild. But hey, yours is long? That's crazy." 

I chuckled awkwardly too and looked down to my shoes. "Mine is not so new. The blonde looks great." 

I couldn't believe that after all those years of being apart, the only thing I could talk about was his hair.

"How have you been?" He asked after thanking me for the compliment. "I didn't know you went here."

"Yeah I didn't know about you either. It's funny," I gave a small laugh. "I've been great, yeah. Hanging in there."

He nodded. "Classes are a bitch huh?"

"Ugh, the worst."

He laughed and I did too and once it died down we just looked at each other. I could feel myself longing for those days where we were 16 and everything was simpler. Who knew four years could change so much?

"We should catch up," he said softly and looked at the ground.

I won't lie, my heart did skip a beat. "Yeah... yeah sure. I'd love that."

He looked back up at me and smiled, the sunshine made his eyes twinkle a bit. "Awesome, dude. I gotta run now. Literally as you can see." He laughed pointing at his workout attire. "But it was so nice seeing you again."

"You too." I chuckled as he walked around me.

"And sorry for crashing into you like that." He continued and I brushed him off.

He gave me one last smile before waving and starting his run again. And I swear I stood there frozen on the same spot, my heart threatening to burst out of my chest and a million thoughts running wildly through my head.

×××

"You look like you saw a ghost." Andy said upon seeing me enter our room. He was on his bed doing something on his laptop, his shaggy golden brown hair wet from a recent shower.

"I feel like I just did." I sighed, dropping my bag and books on my desk. I sat on the chair and quite physically deflated.

"Whoah, for real? Were you scared?" He sounded worried and I threw him a cushion.

"Not a literal ghost, just... Do you remember that guy I told you about that one time."

"Your high school crush?"

"He wasn't my crush," I retorted. At least I wasn't aware he was my crush then. "But, yeah."

"Yeah...?"

"I just bumped into him. Literally."

He shut down his laptop and his mouth hung open. "Are you serious?"

I nodded and closed my eyes. I was sure my chest shouldn't have been burning like that.

"Dude, what? He goes to this school? Out of the hundreds of schools in the country?" Andy sounded exasperated. "That's insane. That's destiny literally telling you something, man."

I groaned. "No. It's only rubbing it in my face that I'm not over him. A cruel reminder."

"Come on Vic." I opened my eyes and glanced at my roommate. "This could be your moment."

"Stop."

Just then my phone lit up with a notification. Kellin had followed me on Instagram. Andy of course got up off his bed in a heartbeat and took the device before I could.

"Dude."

We ended up stalking him for a good two hours. He had made up a new account after all. The first post was from about a year prior and the caption said he had been locked out of his old account. I shrugged it off. We learned quite a few things from his profile. He liked taking pictures of his food, he liked taking mirror selfies, he liked to post about random places he visited. He went blonde as a dare with a friend, he was single, he had an obsession with taking polaroids. It was... cute.

He was still cute, and I was still in love with him.

×××

We met up for coffee not long after. His idea. And it was crazy how easily we fell into our old ways. It was nice to talk to him again. It was nice that things weren't awkward for too long and not even an hour into our reunion it was like the good ol times. We joked around a lot and we also talked a lot. We stayed at the coffee shop until it was time to close and the owners kindly kicked us out. That same day we stayed up almost all night just talking and I had never felt more at ease.

I had to admit I definitely saw him in a whole different light. He wasn't just Kellin Quinn, my old high school best friend. He was Kellin Quinn, this familiar stranger who made my heart skip beats every time he smiled. This guy from school that made my head feel dizzy just from thinking about him. An old friend turned into, turned into hope. Spending time with him again felt like a privilege I was granted for some unknown reason, and every day that we met up in between classes I really tried not to think about how gorgeous and amazing he was. I kept my feelings to the side. Being his friend was really enough during that time.

"So Vic," he asked me one time when I was over at his dorm room. His roommate Jack had gone to a party and he asked me to come over because he didn't feel like going out that night. "How's your love life going?"

The question of course took me off guard. I had been playing with a Rubik's cube and it almost fell on my face when I heard him asking me that. He was luckily sitting at his desk with his back to me, I was in his bed, so he didn't see me blush furiously. My love life was pretty much nonexistent, all thanks to him. But he didn't need to know that.

"How's yours?" I avoided answering and he chuckled bitterly.

"Ugh, I'm giving myself a break from love. Love sucks."

That definitely caught my attention and I sat up. "And why's that?"

He turned to look at me and sighed. "I'm just tired of getting my heart broken. Datin is tiring and I don't want to deal with the drama anymore. But what about you? Did you ever end up dating someone in high school?"

That made me laugh. "I did not."

"And what about the guys here?" He leaned his head on his arms. "Some dudes are definitely interesting."

I gave him an amused look. "And since when do you find dudes interesting?"

"Accepted it recently." He shrugged and my stomach flipped.

"Oh. Okay." I didn't know what else to say. I never expected for him to come out to me like that but at the same time that late night conversation meant a lot in the long run. He trusted me enough to tell me and that made me extremely happy. He made me so damn happy.

He pressed and I ended up telling him that I did fall for someone in high school, I didn't tell him it had been him, of course. And I didn't give more details as he so wanted. I left it at that. Not without adding that I was still hung up on the guy after all these years. He told me I should give him a call, or a follow on social media. I internally laughed and told him that wouldn't happen.

That guy was taking a break from love after all.

×××

I had recently turned 23 when Leo announced he was proposing to his long term girlfriend Sal to the whole family. We'd gotten together for Easter and had a nice lunch and an evening filled with laughs and silly family games. It was nice to finally have the whole gang together, even if it was for only a day. Lynn was already in college and I was in my last semester. Leo had a job at a firm and his own place and Sam, well Sam was in 7th grade. Still growing and getting annoyingly taller than me already.

When Leo told us the news mom cried and dad did too, not fully but I could see his watery eyes anyway. I was extremely happy for him too, still remembering that time he told me when he met Sal he knew she was The One, or whatever. I was sort of losing all faith in the magic then. Just gave up completely in trying to find it. Lynn started talking about how cool it would be to have a destination wedding and named all the countries that could host a beautiful wedding and I laughed along with her, numbering all the things that needed to be planned for something so monumental and Sam said there must be tons of candy or he was not going.

We dreamed him the most perfect over the top wedding and when we finished teasing him he got all teary and gave us all a hug. "I hate yall so much, but thank you. Thank you for being the best siblings out there."

"Don't be gross." Lynn joked, but gave him a kiss on the cheek anyways. "We love you too."

The wedding was in November. It wasn't a destination wedding like we so kindly had suggested, but it was such a beautiful event nonetheless. They had a rustic wedding, in a barn surrounded by a lake and trees and a gorgeous bright blue sky. 

The three of us were by Leo's side as he bounded his life with Sal's, saying their vows and promised to live the rest of their lives together. Sal also looked beautiful. Her long blonde hair cascaded down her back, her cream dress flowed with the soft wind. Leo wore a light blue suit and we all had suits of the same color hue. Sam complained about the attire, Lynn was more than happy with it.

Once they put the rings on each other's fingers I glanced to my left to the seats. Kellin was sitting on the third row, with Jaime to his right and Tony and Denis (who were still together) to his left. His eyes were teary and that warmed my insides. Our eyes locked for a second and he gave me a small smile. I grinned right back.

"You may kiss the bride." The preacher said and I turned my head to look at the newlyweds smooch for the first time as husband and wife. And my brain betrayed me by thinking that someday it would be Kellin and I standing on an altar like this. But I quickly shook the thought away and clapped along with everyone else at my brother's happiness.

Things with Kellin and I changed a bit after that night when we talked about love. It shouldn't have been like that but knowing he also liked guys made me a bit hopeful that he might like me back someday. Someday was the clue word. We were still flirty with each other, even more than we were in high school (which I had no idea was happening in the first place). 

We teased each other about everything and talked all the time, every day and night. We didn't share classes but we met up for lunch or breakfast on campus whenever we had the chance. We even had a reunion party with Jaime and Tony and relieved all the old times. He was my best friend again.

We spent the whole reception party trying to bet on who was going to end up sleeping with who at the end of the night. It was a wedding after all and things happened at weddings all the time. I shouldn't have thought about that at all, knowing the aftermath at the end of the night, but we kept up the game. I pointed at random people and made my theories. Kellin, however, bet on me. I told him to shut up and he said it was going to be his ultimate goal of the night to get me with someone. I wanted to murder him.

A couple hours into the reception party, Kellin and I danced together. Well, we were dancing with a group but eventually they all left for drinks and Kellin stayed with me. He looked overly handsome with his wedding outfit, if I hadn't known how to control it perfectly, I would've been blushing a lot just by looking at him. He had styled his hair back for the occasion, it wasn't bleach blonde anymore but a nice shade of dark brown. He'd gotten red highlights as a joke a few months before and they were fading by then. He still looked as beautiful as ever.

"So I think I saw the guy for you." He snapped me out of my thoughts and I rolled my eyes.

"Kellin-"

"No, seriously, he's been looking at you ever since this started." He interrupted me and stepped closer to me. "Don't look back but he's there. He's really cute."

"I told you, I'm not going to sleep with a random dude tonight."

"Then don't sleep with him, get to know him." He smirked. He was pretty close, it took a lot not to get a heart attack. "And then you sleep with him."

I sighed. "Why are you doing this?"

He shrugged and grinned. "Call it a wedding effect, love is in the air and stuff."

I rolled my eyes. "You're stupid. You go talk to him if he's so cute."

But Kellin shook his head. "Nuh uh. This one's all yours. And now I'm going to go get some margaritas before he thinks we're together or something." He giggled and I clenched my jaw. "Be cool, he's coming over." He gave my arm a soft squeeze before walking away and leaving me alone on the dance floor.

My stomach dropped when indeed a guy came over to me and introduced himself as Oliver. I smiled at him rather awkwardly. And I hated to admit that he was actually really cute.

"Was that your boy?" He asked after the short introductions. I choked on air.

"What? Uh, no. Best friend."

His grin was lopsided and he gave me a look that I couldn't quite figure out. "Want to dance?"

And so we danced to the upbeat songs the wedding band played. I could see Kellin from the corner of my eye, drinking at the bar. Oliver wouldn't stop looking at me, he was a good six inches taller than me and he towered over me as we swayed to the music. At one point he put his hands on my hips and I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. And drag Kellin six feet under with me too. It was pretty annoying that I couldn't appreciate this bit of attention this gorgeous guy was giving me because all I could think about was Kellin. After all this time I still didn't want anyone else but him. And it was tragic.

A few songs later I told Oliver I wanted to get some drinks and he said he'd be going to the restroom. I took the opportunity to tell Kellin what a dick move that had been, but he was enjoying the situation way too much.

"Come on, he could be the love of your life," he smirked. "Maybe I did you a favor."

He in fact didn't do me a favor, he completely ruined what was supposed to be a great night, and everything after that. At least for me. Leo and Sal and everyone else still remember the day fondly, but they weren't there when stuff happened.

It was late already. The sun was setting. Food had been served, drinks had been drunk, guests were already getting wild even though it wasn't the middle of the night. The party was at its peak. I was finally having a minute to myself just looking at the scene in front of me when Oliver came looking for me again. After the first time we danced, we ended up sitting on the nearby benches and talked for a bit. He was definitely a flirt and I could tell what his intentions were. And I wasn't having it. Still, it was nice to have a conversation with the guy.

"Are you having fun?" He asked me.

I nodded my head. "Yeah. I can't believe my brother is a married man now."

He laughed. "For a second there I thought you said he was married to a man and I was like woah, was I at the wrong ceremony?"

I snorted. He was funny, I had to admit. "How many drinks have you had there, Mister."

He grinned at me, cheeks a bit pink. "Not that many."

And after a bit of comfortable silence, he offered to get drinks for ourselves. I had only had one and that was after the toast. I thought one more wouldn't hurt much and I opted for some wine while he drank whiskey. And all that time I was pondering on the idea of actually giving this guy a chance at something. Whatever that could be. I was tired and annoyed and I knew it wasn't a good idea but after we danced once more and went to a more private corner on the outsides of the venue and he leaned down to kiss me, I let him.

I had always imagined my first kiss to be this otherworldly experience that would change my life and turn it upside down, that I would see fireworks and stars and all that shiny stuff when I closed my eyes just like I'd seen in movies. With Oliver it wasn't like that at all. It was a touch of lips and nothing else. He moved against my mouth fervently though, and I felt bad that I wasn't as into it as I could've. And when he pulled away he gave me this sad look and I turned my eyes away from him. It was a bit embarrassing.

"He is your boy after all." He said after a while. "That guy."

I kept looking at the grass beneath us. "He's not." And after a second. "I'm sorry."

He put a hand on my shoulder and I looked up at him. "Don't be."

"Do you think it's that obvious?"

He thought about it for a bit and shook his head slightly. "Only when you look at him."

I nodded my head.

"Is he straight?" He asked and that made me chuckle to myself.

"He's not."

He frowned. "Then what's the problem?"

I only shrugged. "I don't think he sees me that way at all."

Oliver's gaze softened and he put a hand on my cheek. "That's because when he sees you, you're probably looking some other way."

I didn't know what to say to that.

"You'll never know if you never try," he smiled at me and it felt crazy. The mere thought of telling Kellin what I felt seemed crazy. I didn't want to lose him. I didn't want to do it. Yet that's exactly what I ended up doing.

After Oliver went away to enjoy the rest of the party and I apologized for the inconveniences, I stayed back alone with my thoughts for a little while. I didn't really mean to but I was crying a bit. I guessed all the emotions from the day finally got to me in the end. My brother got married. That alone was insane. Leo who had been dumped more times than I could count. Leo who didn't even believe in love from the start and called bullshit on everything Mom said about it. He ended up marrying the love of his life. He found everything I'd ever wanted since I was a kid. And I couldn't even kiss a guy properly. It all felt very crappy. I dried my face with my hands and let out a big sigh.

"Dude, why is the hot guy mingling in there with other people and not you?" Kellin's voice rang through the quiet night.

I let out another huge sigh. "Kellin, not now."

"What happened? I thought you were clicking or something."

"I don't want to talk about it, Kellin." I avoided looking at him because I knew he would notice I'd been crying.

"But Vic! You were having so much fun." He kept on pushing.

"Look Kellin, just drop it alright."

"Why are you so pissy? I just wanted to know why- wait, have you been crying? What happened?"

He reached for me but I turned away again, feeling all the tears welling in my eyes again.

"It's nothing," I mumbled. "I'm fine."

"Did that guy do something to you?" He sounded worried and I shook my head. "I will kick his handsome ass.

"He kissed me."

It would've hurt less if he hadn't seemed so glad for me. "Oh. For real? That's amazing! I knew it! Why are you sad though?"

I shook my head again and covered my eyes. Not even I knew why I was crying so much.

"You didn't want to? Please don't tell me it's because of the guy you're hung up on."

I didn't say anything. I couldn't. It felt like I had a knot in my throat. "Just drop it, please."

"Vic... I just want to help here." He put his hand on my back and rubbed small circles.

"Well, you can't."

"But why-"

"Because it's you, Kellin!" I sobbed and covered my face with my hands. "You're that guy. It's always been you. Happy?"

In a way I felt like a weight literally lifted off my shoulders. I didn't want to admit it then, but it felt good to finally say it out loud. Even with all the tears and the choked sobs, it was out there at last. 

There was a long silence before he spoke again.

"Me? Vic, what... what are you talking about?" I heard Kellin say. He sounded terrified and that's exactly what I wanted to avoid.

I shook my head and turned to leave. I had to go back to the party. I was supposed to be having fun, I was supposed to be enjoying the night with my family and my friends. I dried my eyes as best as I could and ignored Kellin calling out for me. He reached for my arm though and that made me stop.

"Time machine alright?" I said referring to out high school game and forcing a smile out of me. "I call time machine."

His frown deepened and I took his hand off my arm. "This never happened."

And with that I walked into the barn again and the last thing I remember about that night was going to the bar and starting doing shots. Everything got very fuzzy after that.

×××

Lynn still makes fun of me for all the shit I pulled while drunk out of my head at Leo's wedding. I only know certain bits and pieces thanks to her, but I think she exaggerated some details for her own amusement. There's no way I ended up dancing on top of a table. At least that didn't make it in the official wedding video and there's no official proof, that I know of.

That next morning I woke up with a pounding headache and an even worse feeling in my heart. I couldn't remember most of the night but I still remembered that I told Kellin he was the one I was in love with. And him freaking out. And my heart shattering into pieces. I didn't want to open my eyes and face reality again. I wanted to stay under the covers and never leave the hotel room for the rest of my life. I couldn't believe how stupid I was. For everything.

A knock on the door startled me and made me lift the covers off my face. I groaned and glared at the sunlight coming through the windows. I didn't even know how I got back to the Inn. I couldn't believe I blacked out like that. Another knock and I groaned again. Whoever it was, I didn't care. I wasn't getting up. A few minutes went by and I guessed the person gave up and left, but then the door opened revealing a tired looking Kellin holding a bag and a cup carrier tray with two coffees in it. I frowned, not knowing how the hell he got in, and then I saw he had a card key on his other hand.

"You gave it to me in case you don't remember." He said motioning to the card, his voice was quiet. My stomach filled with dread because no, I didn't remember. I didn't know why he was in the room either. 

Later on I found he took care of me when it got really late and most of the guests started to leave and I was still "having a blast". He'd been the one to take me back to the room and make sure I didn't choke myself on my own sickness or anything. He made sure I was safe.

"I brought you coffee and some medicine. How are you feeling?" He sat on the ends of the bed and I pulled the covers above me again. "I'll take that as a no bueno."

"No bueno indeed." I mumbled.

I stayed under the covers for a bit with my eyes closed.

"Vic?" I didn't reply. "Can we talk about it? Maybe later when you feel better."

I didn't say anything.

"Vic?"

"We can't. I said time machine for a reason."

"Well, I undo your time machine."

"You can't do that."

"Vic-"

"Just leave me alone Kellin, please."

I heard him standing up from the bed.

"I just don't want to hurt you."

Too late, I thought to myself. Too late.

"I'm terrified of hurting you and I'm probably hurting you now and I just," he paused. I imagined him pacing around the room with his head down. "I'm going to hurt you, Vic. If this were to happen."

If this were to happen. I got right away that he didn't want to be with me, that he didn't love me like I did. I had no idea what he was getting at with his fear of hurting me though. He didn't know I didn't care if he did. I've hurt for most of my life anyway. What was one more wound?

"You don't know that." I said either way, quietly, my voice muffled by the covers.

"I ruin things Vic, I've ruined every single relationship I've ever had and I don't want to ruin what we have. You are my best friend in the world, you're my person. And I can't lose you. I can't bear the thought of losing you like that."

"Fine! Then just forget about it." I snapped, finally uncovering and giving him a glare. "Forget I ever said anything, that's what the stupid time machine was for. Just forget everything and leave me alone."

I could see his eyes start to water as he nodded his head. I was also tearing up again. I'd heard a lot about rejection and heartache but nothing really made it justice. It hurt a lot. It felt like being cut, like a magic trick gone very, very wrong. Rejection, what a stupid word. Magic was even worse.

"Okay. If that's what you need right now, I'll go." Kellin said before leaving the room. Then he turned around. "I'll call you later?"

I shook my head and turned away from him, crying softly to myself. "I need to be away from you for a while."

And I did stay away from him. For a few months we didn't speak to each other at all, I did my best to avoid him and ignore his calls. He eventually got the message that I didn't want to speak to him and he stopped trying. I was detoxing my life from Kellin Quinn. And while I worked on mending my broken heart, I also found a way to care more about myself. I found ways of giving myself the love I knew I deserved. 

And after much deliberation I accepted seeing Kellin again. And I realized it didn't hurt as much anymore. I was better. I was happier. I was healthier. And I had truly missed him. He was always going to be part of my life, even if the way I wanted him wasn't the way meant to be. I guessed no matter what happened I'd always keep a special kind of love in my heart for him and him only and I couldn't picture my life without him in it. So we became friends again. I had to remind myself all the time of that word though. Friends.

Things started to become normal then. Days turned into weeks and weeks into months. I graduated college and faced the horrifying real adult life. A year later Kellin did too and Kellin's mom, always the champ, got him an apartment he could move into right after his graduation ceremony. By then I'd already had two jobs. One that I absolutely despised and one I was currently loving. 

I'd moved in with Andy into our very first run down apartment downtown, we couldn't live without each other turned out, and things were as mundane as ever. My days consisted of going to work every morning, going home, making dinner, and watching a movie at night. If Andy was home he'd convince me to listen to his songs, if Kellin called me up I'd go over to his place to hang out. It was all very normal and nice. I couldn't complain about the routinary life I lived.

Until I met Alex Gaskarth.

Alex was the guy I really thought would be The One. When I was introduced to him, at a random party Andy dragged me to one weekend, I didn't think much of him. Yes, he was cute. Yes, he was funny. Yes, he seemed like the type of guy that could sweep you off your feet like it was nothing. But that first time he said "Hi" to me I only thought of him as another, of many, guys at a party.

The night we met I was surprised how easy it was for me to talk to him. And I was surprised he liked talking to me too. We spent that whole night together, getting to know each other, drinking for a bit, dancing for longer. He offered to give me a ride home after Andy said he had to leave. He really wanted to spend time with me, and I found myself drawn to this brunette guy too. 

By then I'd already accepted (for the hundredth time) that love wasn't meant for me and that I'd probably be alone for the rest of my life. But he proved me wrong. Falling in love with Alex felt like seeing color for the first time. It felt like the first drop of rain during a long drought. I never expected to be able to feel again, yet I did.

We'd been seeing each other for at least a month when he asked me to be his boyfriend. I couldn't believe it was happening. He kissed me under the moonlight and I felt it, finally. That tiny bit of magic. I knew it wasn't the same as what I'd been feeling since I was 15, but it was something new. And I accepted it fully. I was happy at last. And everyone liked Alex too. 

My parents loved him, Lynn thought he was cool, Sam was learning how to play the guitar with him. Andy awarded himself the medal of being the one to introduce us and Alex was his friend way before, of course he loved us together. Leo had his doubts about my relationship and we got into dumb arguments because of that, but he got over it and accepted that I really liked the guy and was planning on staying with him for the time being. But there was someone who didn't like Alex at all, and that someone was Kellin.

It didn't surprise me much to be honest. When I told Kellin I was seeing someone he started acting weird. I thought we'd already left the past behind us, it'd been a couple of years since the thing with us and we were doing better. I was doing way better and he didn't have reasons to be mad, he was the one who didn't want me in the first place. Still, I wasn't surprised when I introduced them and Kellin was awkward the entire time. I was hoping for him to get over it in time but he never did.

That first year Alex and I were together it was Kellin's turn to host Christmas at his place. He'd created a group chat with all the guests and called it Family Only or something like that. It meant he wanted to get only the closest people he knew together and no one else. I knew what he was doing and it was extremely immature, even my siblings were invited and not my boyfriend.

The night of the party I showed up with Alex anyway, I wasn't going to celebrate Christmas without him, and when Kellin opened the door and greeted us his smile clearly died down. I refrained from rolling my eyes at him. Alex had brought a bottle of wine and he handed it to Kellin after saying hi to him.

"Oh Alex, we have so much wine already, but thanks." He said, taking the bag and let us in.

I raised my eyebrows in shock and Alex just laughed it off, but I wasn't having that. When Alex went to greet the rest of the people over I went to the kitchen where Kellin was, finishing the last details of the food that was going to be served soon. He noticed me first and asked me to pass him some random utensils.

"Kellin," I started but he kept changing the subject with small talk. I couldn't understand him.

I stopped him at the kitchen door before he could leave and went straight to the point. "Kellin, why are you so rude to Alex?"

He frowned and feigned ignorance with a confused smile. "Me? When was I rude?"

"The wine? And the fact you don't want him here?"

His face became emotionless as he shrugged. "You knew this was a close friends gathering only."

"He's my boyfriend?"

"Close friends." He repeated.

"You invited Lynn and Sam."

He shrugged again. "They're my friends."

I had to laugh to avoid yelling at him. "Fine, just don't be a dick to him when he's done nothing to you."

He gave me a look that I couldn't decipher. And I was about to say something else when my little brother walked by and giggled to himself.

"You dorks are under a mistletoe."

I frowned and looked up at the threshold where a mistletoe hung from the wooden frame indeed. I rolled my eyes and when I looked back at Kellin I saw the hint of a blush forming on his cheeks and my eyes betrayed me when they trailed down to his mouth for a millisecond. And I felt that familiar burn I've always felt ever since I'd known him. And I hated it. I wasn't supposed to feel that anymore.

"It was probably Jack," Kellin mumbled, looking away from me and referring to his old friend Jack Fowler. "Ignore it."

"It's fine," I said slowly. "I only want you to try with Alex. I just want you to get along."

His eyes locked with mine again and he sighed. "Fine, I guess I could try."

I gave him a small smile. "Thanks."

And before he walked away he turned to me and gave me a small kiss on the cheek. "Can't risk breaking tradition."

×××

A couple years went by and Alex and I were still together and growing a more steady relationship. Sometimes I still couldn't believe I was with him, like, someone like me could land a guy like that. I often told him he couldn't be real and I was probably imagining him the whole time, he always laughed and kissed me telling me I was cute. Alex was really a perfect man. He was kind, funny and talented. He was caring and thoughtful and a great listener. And I loved everything about him. I was truly falling for the guy to the point I could see myself marrying him. The thought makes me chuckle now.

Not long after I turned 27 we moved into our first apartment. We'd been together for three years and after Andy moved out of our apartment to go live with his girlfriend, I couldn't really afford to live on my own anymore. Kellin offered me to move in with him but I knew that wouldn't be ideal for many reasons, so Alex stepped in and told me he felt like it was time for us to take that next step. I was anxious about it but I was willing to take the leap if he was. And we did. Our apartment was beautiful, really. I'll never forget how much effort we put into making it feel like home those first few months. We even threw a housewarming party and everything. It was all perfect. Maybe a little too perfect to be true.

We lived there for almost a year when things started turning sour. At first it was small things, like forgetting important daily stuff, not really talking about anything other than house chores or errands, not having time to go on dates or whatever. Then came the fights. We seemed to disagree on everything, we argued about the most stupid stuff, yelled for nothing. We used to make up pretty quickly after not being on the same page. But eventually it took longer. And it was shitty. It was like we were growing at different paces and it hurt to think maybe our relationship was dying down. I couldn't believe there was such a thing as falling out of love, but it was exactly what was happening. After almost four years, the sparks were fading.

Most nights when we argued about something stupid I would end up sleeping on Kellin's couch. He seemed to know what was going on but didn't question me so much which was weird because he was often so nosy when it came to my relationship with Alex. I guessed he understood it was serious and I was, after all, hurting. He was a very good friend during that time. I never thought he'd be the one to console me while I cried over a guy, but those nights became more common the more time passed.

Kellin tried to distract me by planning after work activities and get-togethers on weekends to make me happy and they worked for the most part. Kellin was always going to make me happy no matter what. His hugs were my favorite and his smile still had the same effect on me after all these years. I knew deep, deep, way deep down I still felt a tiny bit of something for him. It couldn't be helped. But I often ignored it, like I usually did. And I was still with Alex. For some reason I couldn't bring myself to end it. The thought of having wasted four years of my life with him for nothing made me feel awful and I was too scared of being alone again. I didn't want to feel like I failed.

A few months went on like that and things started easing up again. We were falling back into our old habits and I found I still had feelings for Alex, despite everything. And I wanted to be with him. Later on I realized I only ever liked the idea of him those last few months we were together and was too scared to face that truth. We still had fights though and I still ended up crashing at Kellin's. 

One of those nights we were watching a movie in his bed, it was a silly rom-com and I wasn't paying much attention to it. I don't think Kellin was either because he kept glancing my way while I pretended I didn't notice. The movie was nearly over when he finally said what he wanted to say.

"You should break up with him, Vic." He didn't look at me when he said it. And I knew he believed that, I wasn't stupid. But it still felt like being thrown a bucket of cold water to hear him acknowledge it like that.

"I don't want to do that," I replied quietly.

He let out a bitter chuckle. "Why? There's so many reasons for you to dump his ass."

"I still love him."

"So?" He frowned. "That's not enough to stay in a relationship that's clearly not working."

"How do you know it's not working?"

"You're literally in my bed and staying the night again, because of another fight."

It sounded worse when he put it that way. I gulped and shifted a bit further from him. I didn't like to be called out like that. "Whatever. We're trying."

"He doesn't make you happy, Vic." He continued. "You deserve to be happy."

I didn't say anything.

"You deserve so much love and being treated like, like royalty."

I scoffed. "Yeah, right. Because I have a long list of people waiting to be with me."

He turned to look at me. "Anyone would be lucky as hell to be with you, Vic. Anyone."

"Yeah, I don't know about that."

We didn't say anything else for a while, the movie played in the background but I knew neither of us was watching anymore. I could sense Kellin was nervous, and he was fiddling with his hands a lot. I wanted to hold them just to make him stop, the thought intruded my brain that easily.

"You want to know more reasons?" He said just above a whisper.

I laughed lightly. "Sure, enlighten me."

"I made a mistake," he said after a moment and I frowned a bit. "At Leo's wedding. I made a mistake... I said the wrong thing."

That was probably the second time I felt the world tilt.

"I was so scared, and I was so stupid, and I know it was a million years ago, but," he shook his head. "I should've said that I loved you too. I shouldn't have left."

To say I was shocked, confused, speechless, would be an understatement. I didn't know how to react, I didn't know if I was having a very strange dream, or a nightmare. It was real, though. Very real.

"You can't... you can't just say that." I felt like I couldn't breathe, like nothing made sense.

"I'm sorry."

"Why are you telling me this now?"

He shrugged, shaking his head. "You wouldn't be in this situation if I had said something, you wouldn't be suffering so much–"

"Stop, no." I couldn't wrap my head around this. "You have no idea what you're saying."

"I'm sorry, Vic."

I shook my head and sat down on the mattress. I couldn't even look at him. I think I was having trouble breathing and the walls were closing in on me.

"I can't deal with this right now." I looked back at him and his eyes were already on me, wide open, filled with fear and...

The light from the TV was the only source of light in the room, but I could see him as clearly as I ever could. I loved you too. I found myself not being able to look away. My heart was burning my whole body from within. I didn't in a million years think it would happen. That I would find myself feeling so much for Kellin again, but I was. All those million little feelings I held for him since we were kids never left, I had only repressed them in a far corner in the back of my mind, stored for what I thought would be forever. Until that very moment. With that new information I couldn't tame them anymore. They broke free.

He held my gaze as he whispered, "break up with him, Vic."

And it took everything in me not to throw myself and kiss him right then. I felt like I still needed to process everything. I felt like it was too much too soon. He couldn't just throw that bomb at me and pretend it was fine. I was still in a committed relationship. I was still half in love with somebody else.

So instead I got up from the bed and left his room.

That night I "slept" on the couch (I didn't sleep at all) and Kellin didn't say a word about his confession the morning after, he acted like nothing happened but I knew it was eating him up. It didn't leave my mind for a damn second. Despite all that, he still made us breakfast before both of us had to go to work. And while he did so I observed him. His eyes were a bit puffy and red around the edges, he must have been crying and that absolutely broke me. But to me he still looked like the most beautiful man I could ever lay my eyes on.

I loved how disheveled his hair looked even though he had probably brushed it when he woke up. I loved the way he moved around the kitchen to get the stuff he needed to make the food, humming a little song under his breath, I loved his bare feet tapping against the carpeted floor, I loved his childish pajamas, I loved the way he kept stealing glances at me with those beautiful eyes of his, I loved... Fuck, I loved him. And I couldn't really explain what happened in my chest as he sat down with me and started eating his toast and cereal while I drank my coffee. I couldn't even explain it to myself. I just felt peace.

And I realized I wanted all my mornings to be like that. I realized I didn't love Alex at all, at least not like I should. None of it compared.

And that's how a week after that night I did it. I broke up with Alex. It wasn't as dramatic as I thought it would be. We both sat down and talked about it and agreed that it wasn't working out. And that wasn't fun at all. We both cried and it sucked to say goodbye to our life as we knew it for the last four years. I knew it was a long time coming but when he walked out the door with his bags I felt broken in two once again. I had to give myself time to mourn my failed relationship, to cry at night and miss the company, to mope and eat ice cream while watching reality TV.

Kellin heard of my breakup thanks to Andy. I wasn't planning on telling him because I didn't want him to know I actually listened to him and his kind advice, but Andy spilled it to him and ruined my plan. It had been day three of moping around when he came knocking at my door holding a pizza box and a grocery store bag with tons of snacks. He hugged me and told me he was sorry. I nodded and buried my head on his shoulder. He helped me get through it the days after and didn't mention our conversation from that night once.

A few months later I was finally back on track again. It didn't take much to get over someone you weren't truly in love with. And with the help of my friends and my family and Kellin, I dusted myself off and carried on. And I threw myself a huge 29th birthday party, for self-care.. Most people would expect the 30th to be a big deal, but I didn't want to wait another year and so I decided to celebrate that birthday big time. You didn't turn 29 twice after all.

That night was possibly the most fun I ever had in a while. I had moved into a much smaller place, it was my first ever home for only myself. It wasn't anything fancy but I made it mine in no time. I held the party there with only my closest friends and family. It was so nice to have all these people over and hang out with them for a night. We all danced and chatted and drank and played silly party games all night.

It was almost 1am when I gave myself a break and went to have a beer and have some time alone. I observed the party with a smile on my face. The music was upbeat and loud and the atmosphere was great. I could see Jaime joking about something with his girlfriend and Andy laughing at him and drinking a beer. I could see Leo and Sal sitting on the couch taking silly selfies with the neon lighting that surrounded the place. I could see Tony and his long-time sweetheart Denis being cute on one of the corners, sharing drinks and little laughs. I could see Sam dancing in his own weird way on the makeshift dance floor with the rest of the guests.

And I could see Kellin, smiling at something our friends Jesse and Jack were talking about with him. The colorful lights caught in his eyes, making them sparkle and glint. He had a cup pressed to his lips as he smiled and that made me smile too. And as if sensing someone was watching him he looked to his right, where I was, and his eyes locked with mine from across the room. And it felt like it was only the two of us for a few seconds. He gave me a smile and I returned it and then he went back to speaking to the guys. I couldn't ignore the storm in my stomach.

"Are you ever going to tell him?" Lynn's voice took me out of my thoughts and I turned to look at her drinking a beer beside me. "And don't ask me 'tell him what'"

I laughed out loud. I loved the woman Lynn grew up to be. She was relentless and fearless. She'd started a music project a year before and I was already so proud of her and her talent. She squinted her eyes at me and I sighed, shaking my head. She's always known everything from day one, even before I myself knew so of course when I broke up with Alex all she wanted was for me to make a grand gesture out of a movie scene and finally get together with Kellin. I'd explained that life wasn't a romantic comedy at all. And I really needed the time alone.

That night though, something felt different. Something was telling that it was going to be special, I thought it was because duh, it was my birthday, but it felt like something else entirely. And when Lynn asked me that, it clicked. That night was going to be night. I was ready. I just hoped Kellin was too.

"Who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll call you and have some news."

She almost choked on her drink. "Are you fucking serious?! Vic!" She was shaking me by the shoulders. "Vic I swear to God, if you're playing with me..."

"Stop, Lynn, Christ." I chuckled and grabbed her hands. "I mean, I don't know..."

"Bro. I've waited a hundred years for this. Just go over there and kiss him or something." She rolled her eyes and I couldn't help blushing. "It can't be that hard."

Yeah, it couldn't be that hard, could it?

After the party was over and most of the guests left, Kellin stayed back and helped me clean up the place. I wasn't one to get drunk as hell (after a certain experience) and I wasn't drunk at all once the night came to an end. Instead, I felt fuzzy all over. I was happy. At ease. Kellin was telling me about something he heard from one of our friends, he was a little gossip most of the time, though I was half listening to him because I had other things in my head.

"Kells, were you serious?" I asked nonchalantly. He was putting away cups in a trash bag and he looked up at me confused. "What you told me about what happened at Leo's wedding."

He stared at me in shock and I walked closer to where he was. I knew it was unexpected but I really couldn't help it. I leaned against the wall, looking as his flustered self dropped the bag and tried to focus on anything other than me.

"Did you think I wasn't?" He asked, still not looking at me.

I shrugged. "Just wondering."

"I was an idiot back then," he sighed. "I was immature and didn't know what I wanted. I still needed to grow up. I always chose to run away."

I nodded my head in understanding. "And now?"

He looked at me, his mouth hung slightly open as he tried to find the words. "I... well if you're asking if I'd still make out with you, I would."

That caused me to snort and laugh loudly. "God, Kellin. I love you."

It slipped out so easily, rolled out of my tongue like it was nothing. Didn't even think about it twice. In a way, that was exactly the way I loved Kellin. His eyes were still on me as I said the words and I could see them watering slightly.

"What?"

My gaze softened and I reached out to take the hem of his coat, pulling him towards me lightly. He let me. "I'm going to kiss you now. Is that okay?"

His eyes opened in surprise and I smiled. He grinned and frowned and nodded his head all at the same time and then we met each other halfway. And that... That was it. That was the magic. That's what I had been looking for my entire life. That was the feeling I could never understand, the feeling I thought I'd never experience. My heart felt like it was exploding.

So far in my life I'd only kissed two people, Kellin was the third one, but it felt like being kissed for the very first time. He moved against me slowly at first, tentatively, careful. Once I pulled him closer we couldn't get enough. We kissed like the world was ending, like nothing mattered anymore and we were the last men at the end of the world. Honestly I wouldn't have minded if it did end.

"Vic," he said my name in between gasps and leaned his forehead against mine. "Vic I love you too. So much."

I grinned and felt tears prickle at the corners of my eyes. I brushed the hair out of his beautiful face and kissed him once more. 

I couldn't help thinking about little Victor wishing for someone on his 12th birthday, I couldn't help thinking how his wish finally came true. That I was living a scene out of a movie. That Kellin was it. He was The One. He had always been since the start and we had finally gotten it right.

"Be mine." I whispered as I pulled away. "Be mine forever, Kellin."

"Forever," he nodded his head and I wiped the tears from his eyes.

And forever started beautifully.

×××

The following years were the best years of my life.

In a way, nothing changed much between our dynamics. We just kissed here and there and woke up together every morning. And we held hands and cuddled and went on silly cheesy dates. And moved in together and cooked together and basically spent as much time together as possible. Usual stuff. Okay, so maybe it did change a lot. I loved every second of it though. Our lives had already been tightly intertwined with each other's, but after we became an official couple, everything was so much better.

Being with Kellin was like getting to know him all over again. He wasn't Kellin Quinn, my childhood best friend who I had lost only to find again in college. He was Kellin Quinn, my boyfriend, my partner, hell even my emergency contact. He was my everything. And every second that I spent with him felt like magic. My mom had been right all along. Love was a funny thing.

Some days it still felt surreal, that I was in love and in a healthy relationship with my best friend and he was in love with me too. That he was mine and I was his, that we got to share our lives and see each other grow more and more with each year that passed.

And everyone we knew had the same reaction to us announcing we were together.

"About time!"

"Took you long enough."

"Am I supposed to be surprised?"

We laughed so much at our closest friend's and family's reactions. When we told Leo he gave me a knowing look and nod.

"I told you, didn't I?"

I had no idea what he meant but I remembered eventually what he told me the day Kellin left town. And I guessed he had been right. We did find each other again. And this time I wasn't going to let go.

For our five year anniversary we saved up enough to go to Europe and it was the best trip we could ever have. We went to Italy and got to visit all these wondrous places. Kellin was so excited during those weeks that he barely slept at all, he wanted to see it all and couldn't be bothered by sleep. His words, not mine. We visited the canals of Venice, saw the Colosseum, walked down Tuscany, ate the most delicious food, took a hundred million pictures, admired the art and the breathtaking landscapes.

And on our last night in the foreign country I asked Kellin to marry me.

"Are you fucking serious?" He looked utterly adorable with his face all scrunched up trying to hold back his tears. I shook my head and bit my lip.

"Nah I'm totally joking, this is a hidden camera prank." I teased, my voice breaking a little. I was on one knee, surrounded by the most beautiful garden filled with lights and flowers and the starry night above us.

"Stop, Vic." He rubbed his eyes, drying his tears. "Shut up, of course I'll marry you."

I grinned from ear to ear as he leaned down to me and kissed me hard. I laughed against his lips and I slid the ring on his finger. 

And it wasn't long before I was putting a gold band on that same finger and he was putting one on mine after saying our vows during our wedding ceremony. And when Andy (he got the licence) announced we could kiss the groom and Kellin gave me that gorgeous smile of his before leaning in to kiss me, a bunch of memories played in my head like a movie reel. I couldn't really explain it, but it felt like everything had been worth it. Like my whole life led to that single moment, that single kiss.

Marriage of course wasn't easy, we had our ups and downs. Of course we got into stupid arguments and had rough days. But the love we felt for each other was so much stronger and we worked through issues in the healthiest of ways. We bought a house and Kellin started his own business. I had a steady and well paying job. Our days were filled with love and care and laughs and silly banter. And some years after our wedding we both knew we were ready for the next big thing...

"...And that's when you came along." I smile at the brunette 16 year old teen sitting in front of me across the dining table. She wipes her hazel eyes and gives me a grin.

"Don't make it sound weird, dad." She chuckles and tugs her long hair behind her ears.

"What, it wasn't weird at all. We felt like we were ready and we decided to have you."

"Ugh, that's worse." She covers her face and I chuckle.

"You were a little ray of sunshine in our lives." I ponder glancing up to the ceiling. "It feels like just yesterday when I held you in my arms..."

"Dad." I laugh again.

"But you really were, and still are my sunshine." I give my daughter a smile and she smiles at me too albeit after a signature eye roll.

Luna is the greatest gift life could give me. Us. We adopted her when she was just a little baby and since day one we knew we had made the right decision in starting a family.

"Anyways," she sighs. "Continue the story."

"You were there for the rest, darling." I say and take a sip from my tea, that had gone a bit cold after sitting here for so long telling the story of our lives.

"Yeah, but. I want to know more about Da when I was little." She gives me a sad look and I take her hand in mine.

"Well, your father was the best Da in the world." I smile, trying to keep a steady voice. "The second we brought you home he became a whole different person."

I never expected Kellin to be such a good parent, but he was. He became this careful, responsible and extremely worried dad that took care of our kid in such a good way. He was a superhero dad, and when Luna was maybe 2 or 3 years old and starting to speak her first words, she started calling him Da. It was funny and it stuck until now. I was Dad and he was Da. It worked, for the most part.

"He used to take you to the park all the time and got you your first pair of skates. I was against that by the way. At least you never broke your arm." I shake my head at the memory. "He loved you more than anything in the world, honey."

"Not more than he loved you I hope." She jokes and I shake my head again.

"It's completely different. The love for your child is an even bigger type of magic. It's like a superpower."

She smiles, then waits a moment. "Sorry I made you relive all those memories."

"Don't be silly, it's my favorite story to tell."

After a moment a few tears drop from her face and she looks away.

"Hey," I stood up and went over to her to hold her.

"I really miss him, dad. It's not fair."

"I miss him too, darling." I sigh and kiss the top of her head. Every single second.

And perhaps it wasn't fair. I still have no idea why it had to happen this way, why he had to get sick, why he had to go so soon. Perhaps we'll never know. It doesn't mean I love him any less though, and I have my girl here to take care of and give all my love to.

"Thank you for telling me the story." She takes another tissue and dries her eyes. Then gives me a grin. "Now it'll be my favorite story to tell too."

I chuckle to myself.

She gets up and gives me a tight hug. I hug her back and close my eyes, trying to hold back my own tears. She kisses my cheek and tells me she'll be going to her friend's house. And that I'm her superhero. I nod, blinking back my own tears, and tell her to take care. She's best friends with the neighbor's kids and they've known each other since they were babies, so it's fine by me. I trust her.

"Say hi to Da for me, alright?"

"I will."

×××

{cue to play the song}

I walk the familiar path through the memorial park holding a bouquet of flowers in my hand. It's been around 8 years now since it happened but I still remember the rainy day we had to say goodbye to him in this place. I don't like thinking about it too much. Or at all. I don't think I remember the day very fondly either.

"Hey darling," I sit down on the grass and replace the flowers on the vase I always keep there for him. "Brought your favorites today. The lady at the market said you'd like them."

I sigh softly and kiss my fingers then touch the stone where his name is written in black serif. Kellin Quinn Fuentes. Loving son, brother, husband and father.

I come visit him every day and I probably will for however long I'm alive. I talk to him about my day or about anything that's currently happening in the world. And I make him company. He makes me company too. And even though I know I carry him in my heart all the time, forever, it's nice to come here and spend time around the peace and quiet for a bit. Sometimes it's really relaxing and helps me find a bit of clarity when I truly need it.

"Luna asked me to tell her our story today," I say into the silence. "We were very dumb you know." I shake my head and laugh. "I swear we were so clueless. Me more than you I guess, but you also had your moments.

"I never expected her to ask, you know, she saw an old picture of us and got curious. I love our little love story, though. She did too. She says hi by the way, she misses you. God, I wish you could see her, every day she wakes up even more beautiful than the day before. She's growing up so fast. Seventeen in a few months. Time really flies."

I pick aimlessly at the grass near my sneakers. It felt like time flew over us too. I thought I'd have all the time in the world.

"Made me think of how I wish I had a real time machine, if you know what I mean. She really is a wonderful kid. You'd be proud. I think I'm doing pretty solid work here." I laugh a little and look around the yard for nothing specific.

"I told her about the magic too." I smile. "It's my biggest wish for her to find it. To feel it like we did, to be as happy as we were. I think she might have found it with the neighbor's kid, but I didn't tell her that. She has to find it for herself."

A soft wind blows a few leaves around and my smile grows. It's the middle of Fall and everything is turning orange and brown and I still love how the seasons begin to transform. The sight is truly beautiful.

"But if she takes too long I'm butting in, we don't need more timing games with her too."

I lay down on the grass beside the stone and stare at the evening sky. I could imagine Kellin beside me, looking up at the same sky, his arms stretched behind his head, his feet crossed over one another, smiling that easy smile of his, then turning to me with that knowing look in his eyes he gave me all the time.

I've grown used to being without him, living every day with half of my soul missing. Doesn't mean it was easy at all, I don't like thinking about how hard it was those first few years he was gone. And surely I still struggle from time to time and it feels like being broken in two over and over again. But I'm good overall. I've been getting better, working hard to get better and getting there. For my family and for Kellin himself. He didn't want me to be sad, and I really tried to keep that promise.

Grief is also a funny thing.

"And you know what she also asked me," I cross my fingers over my chest. "If I still believed in magic, after everything."

I grin to myself and see all these moments I lived with him in my mind, since we were kids in high school, to college, to the turmoil of young adult life, loving him, marrying him, being so in love with every breath we took.

"And you know what I told her?"

I turn my head and I swear I can see him there. His clear eyes, his soft skin, his dark hair falling over his eyes. That burn inside my chest.

Yes, I do.

"Of course I do."

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(A/n): here's your tissue if you need it ( '́⌣'̀)/(˘̩̩ε˘̩ƪ)

So this was a whole writing trip, I swear it's my most ambitious piece of writing ever because it's 17k words long?? And I still can't believe it. It's also why it took so long to update, I'm so sorry about the long wait again😭 (Also sorry if this made you cry, but hey feeling is good for your health).

Song fact! I think this story was born in my head during the time of this song's release year (2014) and somehow I managed to connect this old plot idea of having Vic narrate his love story with Kellin through the years with this magical song (hehe) and in the end it was a perfect match. 

I really hope you enjoyed! Don't forget to comment and vote if you'd like, let me know what you loved or hated or anything jsjs

And as always, thank you so much for reading🖤 See you in the next one!

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