Warnings: sad stuff, alternating POVs, musician Vic and biologist Kellin. Also unintentionally changed the whole meaning of this song and once I realized it was too late. Enjoy anywayss.

Vic – Now

Sometimes I still wake up thinking about him.

I can't help it. I wonder how he's been, what he's up to. Dumb little things like what mood he woke up with. If life is treating him alright on the other side of the world. If it's still everything he ever wished for.

It's already been a while since he left, almost a year in a couple months. We haven't spoken much since the last time I called, which was on his birthday. And even that call was brief because I was late for the studio and he had to drive to pick up some samples for his lab. Life only gets busier and busier.

Sometimes I can't help all the dreams I still have of him. Most of them are memories, some of them are pure imagination. Either way it's always nice to see him, even if it's all in my head. 

I don't really know how the subconscious mind works, but I wish mine got the memo that he's gone and he's not coming back. Just catch up with reality, man. It's not that hard. Look at me, I'm already moving on.

I mean it, really. I'm fine.

To tell the truth, I thought once he left I wouldn't be able to live one day without breaking to pieces, yet I was wrong. Most of the time I miss him to death, and I certainly still hold love for him. And I won't deny crying all the time during the first few days after his departure because it was rough. It was the worst pain I'd ever felt in my life. But then things slowly started getting better.

I've been so engrossed with my band and our debut record finally coming out in a few months which, honestly, I still can't believe is happening. The distraction in the form of the recording process has really helped a lot. It was therapeutic for sure. That and also the support from my friends. Being in this band is everything I've ever worked for, and it's finally where I want it to be. 

And I know he's not here to see it all happen like I always imagined he'd be. But life's like that I suppose.

I sigh as I roll in my bed. The sun is already out. Today we're shooting the album cover with the guys and I'm so pumped for it. After that we have interviews with a few music magazines and later on we booked some hours at the studio. Everything's going amazing.

So I don't know why I woke up thinking about him.

My phone dings on my bedside table then and I pick it up.

hey sleeping beauty
we're already outside

I see Jaime's text notification on my phone and the corners of my mouth lift a little. I text him back a quick reply that I'll be down soon.

It's later than I thought, so at last I get out of bed and go. Hopefully leaving any lingering thoughts about him tangled in the sheets behind me.

×××××

Vic – Then

"Yeahhh," I scream into the mic as the song nears its end and grin as my bandmates, Jaime, Tony and Alex cheer and woop as they play the last riffs and beats.

I'm so damn proud of what we're building here.

"That was awesome man," Jaime says.

"Yo Vic, that last chorus was sick." Tony adds and I rub my neck.

"Really? Maybe we could go one more time just to be sure-"

"No!!" They all say in unison.

"Rude but okay," I laugh.

We're at the basement rehearsing for our first ever real gig at one of the most amazing venues of our town tonight. We all used to go there every weekend when we were in high school and the fact that Alex managed to book us for the night thanks to his connections (his boyfriend Jack works there and is good friends with the owner) is literally a dream come true. 

We're finally saying goodbye to playing on Tony's basement or at random parties. And I've been so damn nervous about it because it has to be perfect. It's all finally happening for us and we can't mess this up. It could be our chance. Anything can happen after tonight.

"We're gonna kill it, I can already picture the crowd going wild." Alex brings me back from my thoughts and I high five him.

"Hell yeah dude."

"Is Kellin going to be there?" Tony asks and I can't help the fluttering butterflies in my chest.

"He most definitely is." I smile thinking about my beautiful boyfriend.

It's weird. We haven't been dating for the longest time but it feels like I've known him my whole life. We just clicked instantly. It made me wonder why it took us so long to meet after all this time. We even went to the same college but our paths never crossed. He was a biology major while I was majoring in English. The only reason I only ever got my degree was to become a better songwriter. Meanwhile he lived for his career.

He's so passionate about plant life and organisms and all the science behind life itself. I love it when he goes into long rambles about cellular theories and DNA and I really wish I could understand half of the things he knows and talks about, but I love him like that anyway. He is so intelligent and surely knows way too many things, he's my little nerd. I don't know how he could've fallen for a punk like me, but I'm not complaining. 

"Is he going to make a cheesy science sign for you?" Jaime teases and I roll my eyes. They always make fun of us because he's so smart and I'm not.

"That would actually be amazing you know," I grin and smack his head. "So do we have everything ready then?"

"I think so, our set list is fire, we just played like the world is ending. I think we're set." Alex grins while expertly twirling his drumsticks in his hand.

"It's going to be great," Tony assures me and I nod my head.

It has to be great. We've all been dreaming about this moment for years. It's all coming down to this.

I can't hardly wait.

×××××

Kellin – Now

I always think about calling him.

I always talk myself out of doing it. 

What would be the point anyway? I have no idea what I could say without it being awkward or, painful. And he's probably very busy anyway. He wouldn't even pick up. Maybe he even changed numbers already. Maybe he already forgot about me. Maybe another person would pick up and tell me they're his assistant or something. I wouldn't know how to feel about that. 

Still, I pace back and forth in front of the phone. Wondering. 

It would be a bad idea, it would be a bad idea. I chant to myself all the time. And all the time I almost dial the number. Almost. 

I've already convinced myself that I made the right choice.

The first few months I was here I often beat myself up wondering if I had made a mistake, leaving what we had so suddenly and moving across the globe just like that. It's still the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The pain only ever eased off when another few months later I saw him on TV. 

At first I thought I was hallucinating, a trick of the eye or something. But it was him. There on the screen of a music channel I was randomly watching while eating dinner. His first music video for the single that's throwing his band into stardom. I won't lie, I cried like a baby. A happy type of crying, though. They've become so famous already that even people here listen to them and their video gets played on local channels. And I'm so damn proud of him. For everything. None of that could've happened if.

If, if, if.

I try really hard not to think about him much, even when the one-year mark of my moving is coming soon. I've been 100% focused on my work and nothing else has really mattered to me, really. 

I'm living my dream while he's living his. Nothing could be more perfect.

Yeah. I'm really happy here. 

My research is going amazingly well. I have amazing co-workers. I've been chatting here and there with the new brit guy at the lab who is way too good at flirting for his own good. Things are looking up everywhere I see.

But I still think about calling him. 

I miss him. And it would be nice to hear his voice at least once.

Just once.

I shake my head to quite literally get him out of there and pick the phone up only to put it on my back pocket and leave the office lab, heading home after a long days work.  

×××××

Kellin – Then

"No fucking way," I whisper to myself while staring at my phone screen. 

I was shelving some products at the store when I heard the notification bell go off on my phone and not thinking much about what it could be I checked it. I never expected for it to the email that would change the course of my life forever.

I feel tears well in my eyes as I read the paragraphs over and over. And I try really hard not to scream because I'm still on my shift. Why do you care though, you can quit right this second, Kellin.

"Oh my God," I say again covering my smile with my hand.

I've been hired. They picked me. Me! Kellin Quinn! Out of hundreds of applicants I got the job. It all feels so surreal. Someone pinch me because I must be dreaming.

I can finally say goodbye to all this and focus on my passion.

Even after I graduated college as the best in my class it was really hard for me to find a steady job on my Biology field here and I ended up picking up shifts at the supermarket to get by. A guy has bills to pay. It was supposed to be a temporary thing at first, but after a year I was starting to get scared that I might never get out and do what I love.

And that's when a friend suggested I looked up jobs online. There were so many options all over the Internet and I applied to several positions that sounded extremely interesting and appealing to what I wanted to do. Biochemical research, molecular cells, evolutionary genetics... I was so excited at first I thought anything could happen.

When a few months went by and I didn't hear from any of them back I started to lose hope. At least I had my boyfriend Vic there to cheer me up and play me his songs to make me smile. I wouldn't know where I would be without him. Meeting him at that bar 14 months ago is still the only highlight out of all this. He's the most beautiful and amazing dude alive, and extremely talented too. He's in a band that I can really see going places. Only last week they played their first show and it was out of this world, and people are finally starting to realize that those guys deserve every tiny bit of success. 

And I ended up accepting that if I was bound to be a supermarket assistant for the rest of my life, at least I'd have the coolest guy by my side.

Until this moment.

Now I'm the new research technician for the development of viral vectors for gene and cell therapy.

It sounds so fucking great. I want to jump around in excitement. I want to yell it from the rooftops. I want to call Vic and tell him how happy I am. Because I really am so, so happy. I can't wait to see the look on his face when I tell him. I want to hug him so bad and I want to dance around like an idiot and just-

That's when it downs me.

The job is not here.

It's in Norway.

×××××

Vic – Then

Our first concert ended up being a total hit.

It's already been a week after it and I'm still high on the feeling. I don't even know why I was so nervous about. Ever since then our following has grown considerably and other venues booked us for the whole summer. We even got a management offer and the guys and I had been discussing it and we think we're going for it. We want to go big and this is the way.

Everything is finally falling into place.

That afternoon I get a call from Kellin telling me he wants to come over and I gladly agree. With all this band stuff happening we've barely had time to spend a lot of time together since the concert (he did make the cheesiest sign). And I've really missed him. I'm glad he's finally coming over so I can kiss that beautiful face he has. He told me he had some news too and that made me wonder what it could be. Whatever it is I hope it's only good things. Nothing can bring me down right now.

Soon enough the doorbell rings and I get up from my couch to open the door for him. And there he is on the hallway, looking as wonderful as always.

"Hey there beautiful," I grin and open my arms. 

He smiles bashfully and falls into me, hugging me tightly and wrapping his arms around my shoulders.

"Hi handsome," he whispers against my ear and I kiss his cheek. 

I can't help but feeling something's wrong, but I quickly shake it off and we settle on the couch after we pull apart.

We end up ordering pizza and watching a movie while cuddling.

And that's when I remember he had news.

×××××

Kellin – Then

I have no idea how to tell him.

I can already feel myself wanting to fall apart.

I've practiced what I want to say beforehand but I've forgotten everything about my whole speech. And I can't just say hey Vic, I'm moving to Norway in less than a week just like that.

After the movie ends he asks me what it was that I wanted to tell him and dread builds up inside me. I sit back on the couch and cross my legs, looking at him. 

"I got an email yesterday," I start and he sits up mirroring my position. Here goes nothing.

"I got a job." I smile and I can tell it doesn't quite reach my eyes. He doesn't notice though because in a second his eyes go wide and a huge smile breaks off his face.

"No way, that's amazing!! Congratulations baby." He leans forward wrapping me into a tight hug. The action is so sudden and real I can't help it and start crying into his chest.

"Hey..." Vic realizes and looks at me, catching the few tears that have escaped my eyes with his fingers. "What's wrong Kells, this is awesome news! Did you hear back from the online jobs? What is it?"

I nod my head sniffling a little, trying to swallow the huge lump forming on my throat.

"I'm going to be a research technician," I manage to say with a small smile.

"Yeah? That's great baby," he tries to soothe me but he has no idea.

"The job is at the University of Oslo," I whisper and he cocks his head to a side.

"Okay...?"

"In Norway, Vic."

He doesn't say anything at first. I wouldn't know what to say either. He looks at me and I can see a million things going through his head, but I can't point out any of them.

"That's... far." Vic says finally, sadness already invading his eyes.

I nod my head as more tears run down my cheeks. "I never thought..." 

"Hey," he gently lifts my chin up with his hand. "This is still unbelievable news. You should be proud of yourself. I am proud of you." 

I nod again but I can't stop the tears from falling.

"We can work through this."

"Can we?" 

"Of course. How long is it for? We can definitely make it until you come back." He offers and my heart sinks because I knew he would think that. This job has no deadline. 

"It's a permanent position." I whisper.

He looks down to his hands, lost in thought. And I can see how any last bit of hope slowly breezes away from him.

"... I could stay," I offer but it hurts so much to even consider.

"I could go with you," he adds but I shake my head.

"You have so much going on here," I take his hands and he squeezes mine.

His band is finally taking off and they're building a steady fan-base and I won't be the one coming between his dreams and plans. Not that it wouldn't be nice. It would be perfect to leave with him. But I don't want him to hate me in the long run for taking that away from him. I wouldn't be able to bear that.

"I don't care."

"You do, Vic." I sob and squeeze harder at the first signs of him crying silently to himself.

"You have to go though, you've worked so hard for this Kells. You can't turn down such an amazing opportunity."

I nod once more while tears keep cascading down my cheeks. "And so have you with your music."

He looks up at me again and we stare into each other's eyes. Both of us thinking the same thing.

Where does that leave us then?

I already knew the answer before ever telling him.

The only way out is letting go.

×××××

Vic - Then

It feels like sinking.

I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe he's... leaving. I swear I had it all right in my head. Everything was going so well. And now he's leaving.

I can't believe I'm letting him go. 

Letting him go instead of tying him down.

I know Kellin would be unhappy staying and what would I do in Norway? I can't leave the band just when things are looking up for us. It really is an impossible situation. A crossroads. I hate everything about it. 

I have to set him free on his journey, even if it breaks my heart. I truly love this kid to death and I would do anything for him, even this. I would rather see him following his passion and being happy somewhere else than here being miserable. Even if it's without me.

Either way I'm still so damn proud of him.

During his last week here I help him pack his things and sell the furniture from his apartment. He gifts me his old record and comic collection and we choose what clothes should go to goodwill and which he should take to Oslo. I go with him to buy a big suitcase for the trip and we take down the Christmas lights he's always kept all around his place. We paint all the walls back to white and we watch Norwegian shows to get Kellin used to the foreign language. He's still clueless so I gifted him a dictionary just to tease him. 

Days blur into each other and way sooner than I would've liked, it's almost time. 

He spends the night before his flight at mine and we barely sleep at all. We're too busy trying to make every last second we have together count. I make him his favorite meal for dinner and we eat together and drink wine and beer and we talk like always. We play my old Guitar Hero games on the TV and later watch a movie. He puts up some music then and we dance and sing around like idiots. Way later than midnight we lay on the hardwood floor of the living room and stare at the ceiling, lost in our own thoughts.

What am I going to do without him?

I love him so much.

I wish we had more time.

As if reading my mind Kellin turns to look at me and holds my chin with one hand. His eyes look so sad and scared and I'm pretty sure mine look just the same. Don't go, I want to say. Stay with me forever. But I can't do that.

I'm going to miss you all the time.

We don't say anything though as he leans in and kisses me deeply. I close my eyes and savor the taste of his lips on mine. I hate how it feels final. Like saying goodbye at last. But I don't enjoy it any less. He presses harder and gets on top of me in a swift motion, I let him. I put my hands on his waist and kiss him harder, our tongues finding each other in a desperate attempt to stay as close as we possibly can one last time.

He takes off his shirt and helps me out of mine as I sit up. He kisses me again and roams my whole body with his cold hands, grinding his hips into mine, gasping for air and looking at me with that familar tint of desire in his eyes. I easily give into him and carry him to my room.

It's not wild or anything like it sometimes used to be. It's slow and quiet and gentle. And we take our time showing just how much we're going to miss each other with our bodies. He says my name over and over and over and I do the same. Like I'm afraid I'll ever forget it. As if that could ever happen. And after we're done I kiss him all over, making sure every single bit of him is satisfied.

Still trying to catch my breath I lie on my side, not taking my eyes off his. He mirrors my position and I tuck a piece of his dark hair behind his ear. And dry a stray tear falling from his eye.

"I don't think I'll ever stop loving you," he whispers and I blink back my own watering eyes. 

I peck his lips once more. "Me neither."

The ache in my soul is unbearable.

×××××

This is the final boarding call for flight 358A to Oslo, Norway. Please proceed to gate 3 immediately.

Kellin turns to look at me and I try to put up my strongest stance. It's way easier said than done.

His whole family is here at the airport, as well as his closest friends. The guys came with me too, perhaps because I won't be able to drive myself home after he leaves. They also wanted to say goodbye to Kellin. They really grew to like him during our time together. I'm glad I'll still have them once this is over.

I can't believe it's over.

Kellin hugs everyone one at a time. His mom is already crying, blowing her nose into a tissue, but she looks so proud of her son. I know he's going to accomplish so many great things. She'll be in front row for everything while I cheer him on in spirit. I truly wish him all the best.

After he says goodbye to his friends, he hugs Tony and Alex, then Jaime and tells him something that I can't really make out.

Then it's my turn.

"Send me a postcard once in a while," I joke but my face is already scrunching up with unshed tears.

"Send me a signed album and we have a deal," he manages to say and pulls me into the tightest hug we could have ever shared.

"It's going to be great Kellin, you'll be great out there."

He nods his head and sniffles into my shoulder. "You too, Vic. I don't have a doubt."

Once we pull away I take a good look at him. His cheeks and nose are red from all the crying but he's still the most beautiful person in the room. I give him a small smile as I take his face in my hands. I love you. I want to say. But it wouldn't be right. He knows I do anyway. And I know he loves me too. 

But for now it's time to let go.

So with a last sigh he picks up his duffle bag and places it over his shoulder.

"Take care of each other alright." He says to everyone and with a small wave he walks towards the gate.

It takes everything in me not to scream for him to stay. I just see him hand in the ticket to the lady at the gate and the pain I felt earlier only manages to intesify the moment he disappears into the hallway. 

My friends all pat me in the back and hold me as I cry and cry. 

It's going to be alright.

It's okay, let it out. 

You'll be fine, Vic.

All I know is that wherever life takes us, I'm glad I got to spend at least a bit of it with him for a little while. And I hope he believes the same. 

(A/n): Yikes I'm not sure this is my best one but it was about time we got a little sad am I right?

Also what do we think about alternating POVs and timelines because phew that's hard stuff.

Song fact! like I said at the beginning I have no idea what I did, but the song is not about an impossible situation where the only solution is letting go, quite the opposite it's about not knowing why you're falling out of love with someone. But I can't write Kellic falling OUT of love ya know. So this happened. There's gotta be at least a tiny slim chance of hope idk. (Still love this song and singer a lot so check out her music if you'd like!)

Thanks so much for reading as always!!

See you in the next one.

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