Disclaimer: ngl the amount of research this took is both embarrassing and amusing, I swear I'm not completely unhinged, just a tiny bit. This is all facts™️ and follows the real timeline of events of what we know of Kellin and Vic from when they met and towards a certain point in time (2017) mixed with the right amount of personal delusion and imagination. I mean no disrespect to these guys and their personal lives, but like, come on. You'd be surprised at what the research points to. Aaanyways. Hope you enjoy!! And also hope you don't think I'm insane, but if you do I'll take it as a compliment. 

Warnings: real life!Kellic, nostalgia if you were there, pining, language, cheating, heartbreak, mentions of alcohol, angst, also visuals all along the story! look at me making these interactive now. Sad stuff, happy stuff, all the fluff, me pulling up all the agendas about their songs being about each other. And another long af one-shot.

✨Special shout-out to our very own Kellic connoisseur Nicole  KellicsPotato for fact checking this and for always being so supportive and a wonderful friend ilyyy go give her love too✨

**wait for the cue to play the song**

{Kellin}

April 2017

Some people say that when you meet the person you're supposed to end up with something deep inside you tells you that's it. That when they stand right in front of you, you already know that's your person, even if it is subconsciously. Call it gut feeling, destiny, fate or whatever.

I always thought that was a load of crap, to be honest. How could you know from the get go? Without knowing said person at all?

When I met Vic Fuentes I didn't think much of it at all. I had no idea he would become my universe. Which only proves my theory further. The first time I saw him I only thought he seemed like a nice dude and that we'd get along just fine. We were set to record a song together. It was only supposed to be a song.

The whole world knows exactly how we met. The fans wanted us to collaborate and of course we had to comply. It's funny to put it that way. If it weren't for them, my life probably wouldn't be how it is right now. I wouldn't change it for anything though.

It was around the early months of 2012 when I received a Twitter message from the Pierce The Veil front man. I remember being nervous because I already knew of his band and they were already big in the scene. My band was also sort of out there, but these dudes were their own breed. Everything started with a simple message.

We started talking about the song and what it meant, we discussed lyrics and advised ourselves with techniques to make our voices sound exactly how we wanted it on the song. Eventually Twitter DMs turned into texts, texts turned into emails, emails turned into phone calls, phone calls turned into FaceTime sessions that would go on for hours. We ended up getting along extremely well.

I was so anxious when I finally sent him my part of the track. I thought it wasn't good enough and that it sucked. I had to record it with this neighborhood kid that knew a bit of production, I didn't have the fancy equipment yet at all and he did. I thought Vic wouldn't like it, with all the experience he already had at the time. However, when I got his reply that he had loved it I was so relieved and happy. We really poured it all out onto that song. Once he sent me the final file I knew we had created something very special. Something that would make us proud for the rest of our lives.

We finally met in person the weekend before Warped Tour 2012 started, to rehearse our song for the first time with the whole band. The first time I saw him it was as if we'd already known each other for years. Our friendship was really that easy. Vic had this way about him that made anyone around him drawn to him. He was magnetic and I was being pulled into his world without even knowing. I got along pretty well with Jaime, Tony and Mike too. The guys were all so fun and welcomed me into their little crew with open arms, which I really appreciated since I was always weary of meeting new people.

Those first nights away from home were a bit tough. My daughter was only a couple months old when I had to leave for the tour and I remember almost dropping everything just to stay at home with Katelynne and the baby. I felt it was so unfair. She made me go though. I couldn't miss the opportunity, she had said.

And well, Warped Tour 2012 was probably the best summer of my life. One can't really explain how fun it is to be on the road with your best friends, old and new, playing shows every day for kids who love your music and sing back the songs you wrote and want to meet you and genuinely like you for who you are. Tour life is fun, tiring at times and also a bit rough, but fun nonetheless. And I knew this tour was even more so because of Vic.

We got along so well sometimes it was scary. I often wondered how I had gone for so long without knowing this funny, talented-as-hell dude for so long. I also wondered why he wanted to be my friend in the first place. He always made me laugh and we talked about music and related so much about being in the scene and what it all meant. Magazines and blogs often targeted us for interviews and funny videos and I have to admit I enjoyed those too much. Especially because his sense of humor always shined on those. I guessed mine did too. 

Performing King for a Day with him every day became my favorite in no time. I couldn't wait to get on stage with the rest of the guys and have a blast playing the song under the heating sun. I loved how much the fans loved the song from the second we released it. There was something so unique in it. We all knew it, Vic knew even before that.

Eventually we recorded the King music video on a Warped day off. Vic lent me some of his clothes for the shoot and it's funny because the suits we wore for the bank scenes didn't fit us at all but we thought we looked so cool back on the set. When we first watched the screening of the full video before uploading it to YouTube we were in awe. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face and neither could Vic, or any of the guys.

"We really did something, huh?" Vic said to me later that same night.

We were returning to the bus stations to carry on with the cross-country tour, he had that signature grin on his lips.

"That we did." I smiled back.

We said goodnight with a fist bump we had come up with at the beginning of the tour.

"Hey. Thank you for bringing me along, for all of this." I told him and looked at my shoes, feeling shy all of a sudden.

Vic chuckled. "We should be thanking you. The song would be nothing without you."

I shook my head, not really quite believing that. "I'm sure anyone else could've done it."

"That's where you're wrong."

I looked at him and he was already looking at me. We had reached my bus.

"Hope you have sweet dreams, Kells."

"You too, Vic."

After Warped ended I went home to see my family for a month. It was already decided that Pierce and Sirens were going on tour to promote their new album Collide with the Sky and I was so excited and happy because of that. I was torn though, because of my baby girl. I tried to spend as much time as possible with her during my time home, she was still so little but already the light of my life. I knew Kate was doing a great job being a mom, she had done it all before with the boys, but I still felt terrible about leaving her alone. I wanted to be the best father for my kid and be there for everything. I had a job though, and at least Kate supported me through it.

While I was home I still found time to talk to Vic. He was my best friend already after spending the whole Summer getting to know each other so much more. We spoke all day and most of the night. We mostly joked around or sent each other funny pics or talked about what we were up to. I always lit up whenever I got a text. Katelynne teased me all the time because of that too, but I always shrugged her off. She didn't mean it in a bad way.

One time I FaceTimed with him and introduced him to Copeland. We were talking about our day while I fed her dinner. Kate had gone out to meet some of her friends and I didn't mind having the kids to myself for a night.

Vic laughed as my baby spread the sweet potato puree I had made her around and made a mess on the baby blue high chair.

"Copeland, that's not how you eat!" I laughed along as I started wiping her face with some tissues.

When she finally finished and I cleaned everything up, Vic was still on the call with me, talking about his day and teasing me about how I was "such a dad". And he was still there when I tucked the baby in her crib and turned on the baby mobile above it. She loved that thing, it held the planets with little zoo animals on top of them.

"You should sing her a song," Vic said quietly from the speakers of my phone. He was so careful to not disturb her.

"Of course I'm going to sing her a song, who do you think I am?" I sassed him and he chuckled.

I started singing Blackbird by The Beatles softly while looking down at the bundled up baby on the verge of falling asleep. I could feel my heart fill with love at the sight. I didn't even notice when Vic started humming with me, helping me out with the lullaby, but I loved that too. When she finally fell asleep I took my phone and grinned at Vic as I exited the room.

"You're a softie, Fuentes."

"Come on dude, your kid is too cute."

Sooner than I expected it was time to say goodbye to home life and get back on the road. The Collide with the Sky tour lasted about two months. During that time my band and I were also preparing our next album Feel. We didn't know it was going to be called that yet, but I had a good vibe about the record as a whole. The amazing bands Tonight Alive and Hands Like Houses also joined us for the tour and I was so ready to get back on the road in the company of such wonderful people.

Vic and I grew even closer during that tour too. I loved spending time with him, I didn't really know how to explain it. Our band mates poked fun at us all the time about always being together and doing everything joined at the hip. We would always roll our eyes and flip them off. Back then I didn't know what they saw, I was just hanging out with my best friend and singing with him every night on stage, having the time of our lives. Nothing else.

My favorite part of every show was always the confetti blast towards the end of our song. I loved the crowd's energy and reactions to it. The way they chanted all the lyrics back to us because they knew them by heart already, how they cheered and jumped around and enjoyed the show as much as we did.

There was this one night where, to me, the explosion happened as if in slow motion. Everything seemed to slow down as I watched the colorful papers drop on the crowd. The cheers, the screams, the outro of the song, they all sounded muffled. And I just smiled to myself, holding the mic to my chest and sucking in the perfect feeling.

Then I looked to my left and saw Vic smiling at me from the other side of the stage before continuing singing the last verse. It was as if I could only hear him.

"Give it up for my boy Kellin Quinn!" He shouted into his mic and the crowd went wild with screams.

I laughed and held the mic to my lips again. "And give it up for my man Vic!"

More shouts and screams.

"Thank you for coming out tonight, you're all such beautiful people." I said into the mic. "Pierce The Veil everyone!" I pointed to the guys and the crowd kept up its loud and wild cheers.

And as the guys finished playing the last chords of the song I ran to Vic and picked him up from his waist, carrying him to the other side of the stage. I was laughing so hard and so was Vic. He couldn't even be surprised because I had done this to him some nights ago too. The crowd loved it and I did too. He was surprisingly lighter than most would think.

Once we were backstage I put Vic down and as he calmed down his laughter I hugged him from behind his back and he gave me a piggyback ride to the dressing rooms. We were laughing so loud and Vic started spinning around making me let out embarrassing screams, but I remember thinking that I didn't really care.

That tour will forever hold a special place in my heart and in my memory. I guess there were times where I wish I had been more aware of everything happening around me. That I had noticed Vic's flirty comments as actual flirtation, his little touches, his never ending smiles. If I had noticed earlier I wouldn't have come home after the tour and asked Katelynne to marry me around Christmas. Well, had a conversation about getting married. I never really proposed as you see in the movies. We basically agreed to it after she brought it up one day. Why did I agree? Because it was the logical thing to do in my head. We already had a baby together. It was obvious to take the next step. I didn't realize that that isn't how it works to marry someone.

Anyway.

I had a good feeling about 2013. Sirens had an album coming out. Kate and I set the date of our wedding for April. Copeland was growing healthily everyday. I felt inspired most days and wrote a lot in my journals. I couldn't wait to see Vic again on our February tour. We were playing a South East Asia tour and Soundwave in Australia along with some amazing bands that I still couldn't believe. Me and the guys had no idea how the hell our band's name got up there with beasts like Linkin Park and blink-182. When Vic texted me that they would be doing the festival too I couldn't really hide my excitement. I didn't know why but I would've taken any chance of being with him without thinking twice.

And Soundwave was a blast. One thing I loved most about being in a band was traveling. And being in Australia with my best friends was definitely a highlight. The gigs were fun and even if I got a bit panicky and anxious before the first shows, Vic was thankfully there to make it better. His hugs made me feel so at peace. And that's why I even started a wall of hugs instead of a wall of death at one of the shows. The fans found it pretty funny and I was glad about that.

Once that tour ended Sirens were headed for a few more tours with other bands. Of course I was excited about that, but I was also pretty bummed that Pierce wasn't going to be able to join us in any of them. They were co-headlining a spring tour with All Time Low. Vic had been featured in a song with them. A Love Like War. I really liked the single, it was catchy and it was a new style for Vic too.

Sirens had also booked Warped for the summer again which was fantastic. I knew I would miss Vic a lot and I ended up really missing him those first few weeks apart. We went from being attached 24/7 for several months to be torn apart for who knew how long. I had no idea when I'd see him again due to our busy touring schedules.

"We'll make something work, Kells." Vic said, making me smile at the nickname he gave me. "And we'll still have these things." He pointed to his phone and I laughed.

"Well, obviously." I rolled my eyes and then shivered a little.

We were outside in the parking lot of that night's venue and it was a little chilly. It was late so fans weren't around anymore. He had this tie-dye Thrasher hoodie tied around his waist, he said a fan in the South East Asia tour gave it to him. He had performed in it earlier on the tour and I really liked how it looked on him.

"Here," he said upon seeing me rubbing my arms to warm myself up a bit.

"What?" I asked dumbfounded.

He handed me the hoodie. "You're cold. I'm good."

"Oh," I took it and gave him an amused grin. "Such a gentleman."

"Only for you."

I laughed as I put it on. "Sure, yeah. Did you even wash this?"

He pushed my shoulder playfully and I snapped his hand away laughing along. "Looks great on you anyway."

I shook my head. I liked how soft the fabric felt though. And how it smelled of him. It was clean. "We need to stop sharing clothes."

"Now where's the fun in that?"

I still keep the hoodie somewhere in my closet. I smile every time I see it. And I took it to the rest of our tours that year too. I didn't know why exactly. It made me miss him a bit less. We talked a lot during the first few days apart, though eventually it got more difficult to get time to really have a conversation with him like we loved to have. He sent me pictures of the places he visited and I sent him photos back. We texted often but not as much.

I got married towards the last days of April. Katelynne wanted something lowkey but unique, so we went to Hawaii. Our ceremony was pretty small, only a few relatives and our kids. She convinced me to keep it family only, so the guys couldn't really make it. We gave ourselves a mini holiday time during those weeks before returning to the tours, I thought it had been a great idea. It was not. They should've been there with me.

I was really happy that day, I really was. I was marrying the mother of my kid, the woman that finally showed me what a real relationship could be like. We had been together for three years, all my previous relationships had been awful. I made myself believe she was the one. And she was, for a while. I loved her, but not the kind of love it was supposed to. It wasn't the type of love to turn you upside down.

I did it all for my child. I wasn't going to let myself repeat my parent's mistakes ever.

Vic congratulated me on my marriage with a simple text. I didn't know how he got the news, probably those music blogs that were around at the time. I guess the whole world knew the day after the Big Day. You couldn't keep any secrets with the rise of social media. I one hundred percent hated that.

We went back on tour in no time, with a ring on my finger and the last songs I wanted to record for our album Feel on my mind. We released the album in June, right before Warped started, and I still feel so proud of it. Going on Warped again was out of this world, as expected. There really was nothing compared to it. And it got even better because I finally had a chance of seeing Vic again.

He surprised me on the Pomona date by showing up to our set. I saw him standing on the side stage in the middle of one of our songs and I almost yelled into the microphone but thought better than to draw attention to him. I did offer a knowing smile and he gave me one back. He was nodding his head to the beat of our songs and that filled me with a lot of joy.

After our set we went walking around the tents and other band's sets. We saw Tonight Alive and hung out with our friend Jenna, she was so excited and happy to see Vic too. Afterwards Vic and I ended up talking near the buses, Vic was telling me a story about their Spring tour and he was doing all these hand gestures and it was pretty funny. I was so enthralled by him that I didn't even notice we were being photographed.

I ended up sending the pictures that I found online to Vic later that night and he replied with a little heart emoji. My own had no business feeling like it did.  And while we texted, he also sent me a screenshot of his Spotify app, he was listening to our album and that made me smile bigger.

((a/n: I made that! in 2013! blew up for no reason! put this on my grave!))

And thinking about Feel now was bittersweet. It was the last album Jesse ever worked on with us and we also got to collaborate with many great artists in it. It's funny to look back on it because I really thought things with the band were going great. We were getting recognition worldwide, the album was doing great on charts, we had booked tours and amazing merch lines, the fans were loving the new songs. But things were also a little rocky.

I might be a bit oblivious, I admit that. But even I could sense the tension around us all the time. Justin often talked to me about it too. I'm sure Jack and Gabe had their own conversations as well. Jesse felt distant, like he was there but not fully. I was so afraid during that time because he was our pillar and more than that, my best friend. I wasn't that to him it seemed.

He left the band in October, in the middle of our tour to promote Feel, and we were forced to move on without him just like that.We carried on our tour and promoted the album until the end of the year. It sucked. It sucked to know he hated me. And well, afterwards we met Nick, our new guitarist who was also Vic's cousin. That was certainly a funny coincidence. I knew he would be the best addition to our band because he had also worked with amazing bands before. I was pretty excited about getting to work with him on new jams.

Then the first Alternative Press Awards happened.

It was our first performance of 2014. We played If You Can't Hang and Alone with our friend MGK, and even though the whole thing was a little rough, I loved the event. Nothing like that had ever been done before in the scene and it was such a great opportunity to recognize the vast talent around us. Vic performed with All Time Low too and all the bands hung out at the after party.

And I might have gotten a bit drunk that night though, and so did Vic and most of the band members present. Most things got a little fuzzy after a certain amount of drinks, but the thing I remember most is getting silly with Vic and singing dumb karaoke songs to each other at the venue. That definitely changed things up for me.

Justin got the whole thing on video and he was kind enough to send it to me (while still drunk himself) and well, seeing that the morning after with a killer hangover and everything hurting was truly enlightening.

I woke up in our hotel room. It took me at least two minutes to figure that out. Justin was sprawled on the bed beside me, even though he had his own, and my head was pounding with the ache of too much alcohol in my system. The sun was shining too bright, the walls were too creamy and everything was still spinning.

"Justin," I groaned and covered my eyes.

I received a groan in reply and I patted his back.

"What time is it?" I mumbled.

"Time to let me sleep..." his voice sounded groggy and muffled because of the pillows.

I kept patting his back to make him wake up. I felt like shit and I couldn't be the only one feeling like shit.

"Dude..." Justin groaned again. "Seriously. I had to babysit you all night and now you won't let me sleep."

"You mean you're not hungover?"

"Uh, of course I am. I clearly hold it better than you."

"Shut up," I sat up slowly on the bed and tried looking for my phone. Gosh where was that thing?

When I finally found it (under the bed) I also found at least 10 texts from Justin and that it was almost noon.

"Why do I have a million texts from you dude?"

That made him crawl his way to sit beside me. "Oh no, please tell me it's not something embarrassing."

"Okay now I'm scared."

I unlocked my phone anyway, and well, it wasn't embarrassing for Justin, it was embarrassing for me. There were a bunch of videos from last night of me drunk dancing and singing to old cheesy songs and then there were more of me singing with Vic. I never realized just how touchy I was with him until I saw those videos. I was all over him. And he was all over me. And it made me feel... weird inside.

We were almost done watching all the videos Justin had taken, I felt all hot because of the hangover and I could tell already that I was blushing furiously. Justin was laughing so hard and a million thoughts were going through my head. And I had to lock my phone once the screen showed us standing so close to each other, close enough to-

I stood up from the bed, trying to even my breathing. I couldn't have, we couldn't have...

"Nothing happened dude, we would all remember that for sure." Justin laughed quietly. "Kinda sad it didn't, I'm tired of waiting."

I gave him a shocked and confused look. "Excuse me?"

"Come on, everyone knows you guys are like, a thing. Even the fans. Especially the fans. Haven't you seen anything about it online?"

Well, of course I had. Though I liked to pretend it wasn't me they were talking about. You learn to do that when you're famous. You learn to dissociate from your own life.

"That's all jokes Justin."

"Is it?" He raised an eyebrow.

"I'm literally married?" I lifted my left hand to him. "And he has a girlfriend! I think..."

He shrugged. "So what? Doesn't mean you're not into each other."

Doesn't mean you're not into each other.

It felt like the sentence repeated itself over and over in my head trying to make sense of it. I wasn't into Vic. Not like that. Not in any way. He was my friend. He was a guy. I was married. I wasn't into him. Of course not.

Only I was. Obviously I was. I literally just watched how people see us. And I saw something. That something. Fuck. I felt something.

"Kellin..." Justin called out to me. I kept looking at the carpeted floors. I felt like I was going to be sick. "Dude. It's alright. I was joking..."

I turned around and ran towards the bathroom where finally all the alcohol I consumed last night left my body. I gasped and leaned my head on the toilet seat as I tried to recover. I closed my eyes and thought of Vic and how I could only ever think of him, all the time. He lived in my head and had been ever since I met him.

Dammit.

I stood up and went to rinse my mouth with some water from the sink, trying to get the bitter taste off my tongue, and also splashed some on my face. I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked like shit.

And I was into Vic Fuentes. I liked Vic Fuentes so much more than I should.

"Please tell me you didn't send those to anyone else." I mumbled as I walked out of the bathroom and into the room again.

"I don't think so," Justin said. "Are you okay?"

I shook my head. I just realized I liked my best friend. "I don't understand what's happening."

Justin stood up and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulling me to his side. "We can talk about it, if you want. But after you take a shower because you stink."

And we did talk about it, for most of that afternoon. And we came to the conclusion that my feelings for Vic were more than platonic and that maybe he felt the same way for me too. Justin said that it showed from miles away. It showed in every picture, in every video. He had seen it for himself all during the previous year's Warped Tour.

And I freaked out for a good week after that. I busied myself with the rest of Warped though and I have to admit I avoided Vic's attempts of contacting me as much as I could. I was terrified. How could I have developed feelings for him when I was supposed to be happily married? How could I have been so blind before that I couldn't even stop them when I could.

My plan of ignoring him backfired when our management reminded us of the co-headlining tour happening for our bands. I can't lie, I was over the moon about that, ever since we got the news. We were doing a world tour for seven months. Who wouldn't be? We were going to so many new places and we knew the fans were already going crazy and we were all so excited for it too. But I was also death scared because of all these things I now knew I felt for Vic.

Vic called me on FaceTime some days later and I swear I couldn't be happier and more nervous at the same time to hear from him. I felt like a damn teenager. We talked a lot though, catching up since the award show because I had been avoiding him. We talked a lot about our lives, how he was doing great touring and preparing Pierce's next album. I told him about how my kid was doing and about how we were also planning a new album with the guys. And of course we discussed the upcoming tour.

"We're going to have a shoot with Adam," Vic said. He was already in bed and calling me from his laptop. I was finishing up chores around the house and had my phone on the kitchen counter. "I really can't wait to see you. And all of the guys."

See, if this conversation had happened months ago I wouldn't have thought anything about that little pause he did after "you". But now my mind was going crazy. And my chest felt heavy. And my stomach did that annoying flip. And Vic looked really cute even though his hair was a bit messy and the laptop light was hitting his face too harshly. He was so damn good looking no matter what he did.

"I can't wait to hang either man," I replied, trying to keep cool. "It's going to be so much fun."

And the tour was a lot of fun. Maybe a bit too fun for the both of us.

I remember both bands were told to get to a hotel to make the reunion video. For some reason they made my band wait on the other side of the hotel room where we were shooting some scenes for the announcement video. Our photographer Adam told us when to get in and when I finally opened the door and saw Vic again, I felt euphoric. It was as if I was being pulled by some imaginary force and I was hugging Vic and Vic was hugging me and we laughed and I felt so damn happy.

We were set to record the announcement video after that and it took us at least ten takes to get it right. I was just so pumped for everything I couldn't stop laughing at anything. It was as if the rush of seeing Vic again turned my brain into a puddle. We got it right eventually and I hoped to God that everything going on inside me didn't show on the outside, because I was pretty sure the entire world was going to see that video. We were going to get jokes made of us on the internet either way I guessed.

Anyway, afterwards the whole crew transported to this amphitheatre to get the photoshoot done. We were supposed to act normal, hanging out, talking with one another. Normal. Adam made us sit on these huge concrete steps, at first he didn't give us any directions so we all sat randomly.

When I sat down I didn't expect Vic to follow me, hell, I did expect that. I was dying for him to get close to me. But I didn't want to appear happy that he did. He sat beside me and I brought my knees to my chest while he talked about this crazy lunch he had at his hotel. The rest of the guys all climbed the steps and chatted by themselves.

Adam's camera flash went off like a thousand times. I guess when he was satisfied with the shots he asked Vic and I to sit in the middle and for Justin, Jack, Nick and Gabe to sit by side and for Mike, Tony and Jaime to sit besides Vic. When I saw the final product of those pictures I couldn't stop smiling. We looked like a little family.

The World Tour started out in November 2014. The fans really took the news in the best way possible. Some dates sold out in an instant and we were elated at the reactions. I didn't miss how most of them were going crazy because of Vic and I being "together" again, but I tried not to think about it much. Fans could get a little interesting with their imaginations. I was also excited to meet this rising band PVRIS and the guys from Mallory Knox that were big in the UK for the second leg in 2015. Our special guests during the first leg would be Beartooth and This Wild Life.

Being back on stage with the guys felt like coming home after so long of being away. I thought it was going to be different since I was aware of the dumb feelings but to be honest it made me feel spoiled. I hung out with Vic all the time. Literally all the time. I was like a kid in high school with a crush on the captain of the soccer team and the captain of the soccer team was my best friend. I couldn't admire from afar, I had him with me always.

My main concern during those first weeks was definitely not letting it show. Justin, as the only soul that knew what was going on with me, said I was overthinking it too much. How could I not? He said I was fine though, that I was as normal as ever, that our flirtation and obvious infatuation with each other was at its normal rate. That didn't make me feel any better, by the way. And the more I thought about it the more I couldn't figure out if Vic also thought of me that way. He was his usual self. He was kind to me and funny and made me feel safe.

One night into the first month of the tour Vic found me outside in the parking lot of that night's venue. I was leaning on the back of Siren's bus and finishing a call with Katelynne and saying hello to the kids. Vic didn't know I was on call and walked towards me saying something, but stopped himself once he realized I was busy. I laughed a bit and motioned for him that it was fine.

"Hey," I said once the call was over and put my phone back in my pocket.

"Sorry, didn't mean to barge in like that." He rubbed the back of his neck.

"Don't be silly." I wanted to say that it was nothing, only my wife. But it sounded terrible in my head. "What's up?"

He leaned his back on the bus beside me. "Nothing, was just looking for you."

"You're getting clingy Fuentes."

He giggled and it was adorable. "Might be, yes. I've heard Kellins and Vics can't be away from each other for more than an hour or they go bad."

I laughed loudly and shook my head. "Well, let's be grateful we have all these months ahead of us."

"I really am..." Vic sighed.

I was hyper aware of how his hand was mere inches away from mine between our sides, I could just move my pinky and I could hold him. It would only take a single reach.

"Hey look up," he said, making me blink and get out of my head.

I glanced up and grinned from ear to ear. The moon was up there, full and bright, and millions of tiny little stars made her company, burning in the dark night sky.

"Whoa." I said, still looking at the beauty of it all.

"Don't you ever just wish you could fly away?" I heard Vic say. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed he was still looking up like me.

I sighed. "All the time."

"And like taking down all the walls that you've built your entire life and just be... free."

I smiled. It was like he took the thoughts out of my brain. "Yeah... And feel infinite for once. To be a little star up there."

When he didn't say anything else I turned to look at him and he was grinning to himself, his smile always made me smile and I loved everything about it. When his eyes connected with mine again I could see the few dim lights around the parking lot reflect in his brown irises, making his gaze that much more captivating. I never wanted him to stop looking at me.

My heart beat even faster. And I dared myself thinking that perhaps it wasn't a small crush I had, maybe I was falling for him. Because at that moment I felt complete and I felt like stopping time just so he could stay there with me for the rest of my life, looking at me, smiling at me. I never wanted it to end.

I don't know how long we stayed behind the tour bus, we eventually talked about other things and went to grab a bite before getting back on the road. I couldn't stop thinking about what he'd said though, about flying away. I was already writing for Siren's next record and he inspired me that night. I eventually wrote a song about that moment with him and it made the album.

After that night things were a little different between us. We were the same, but not exactly. I could feel everything more intensely. If Vic never left my mind before, now it was getting out of hand. Didn't make me want to stay away though. And the night it finally happened was towards the end of the first leg of the tour. I'm not even sure how. Only that there was a before and then there was an after.

Before the kiss. And after the kiss.

Sirens had just finished soundcheck, we were last on the list that day to rehearse and after we finished the guys were excited to try out some new ice cream place that had opened recently near the venue. I told them I would catch up with them because I wanted to stay back on the stage and warm up my voice a little bit more. So I sat on the edge of the stage, my legs dangling in the air, and started my loud humming and wailing sounds that annoyed everyone within a mile ratio. Ask any singer.

At least five minutes passed and I kept going, eventually leaning back and laying down on the stage's floor. I closed my eyes and started singing one of the new songs that we had recorded earlier in the year for our next album. We named it The Strays and I couldn't wait for the fans to listen to it. We were also going to record a few more songs once the tour went on its break over Christmas. We had most of the album ready, but I still wanted to add a couple more songs to it.

I was so lost in my own thoughts and the song I didn't notice someone else being there with me. It was only when a shadow covered the lights that I opened my eyes and startled upon seeing Vic looking at me from above, giving me a shit eating grin.

"Christ, man. Don't scare me like that." I laughed and he did too, still leaning in the opposite way. I could feel my cheeks warming up.

"What are you doing? Sounded like you were dying."

"Ha-Ha." I sat up and fixed my hair. "Thought y'all had gone to get ice cream."

"Not a big fan of liquor flavors," Vic shook his head and sat beside me. "Plus, it's more fun to be with you. And you're here."

I looked away from him to try and hide my furious blushing, but I thought it was useless. "That's a total lie. I'm a bore."

Vic snorted. "Not a single thing about you is boring Kells."

"You'd be surprised," I sighed.

"Hmm, doubtful."

"It's boring being with me, you could be messing around with the guys." I argued again. I didn't know why I was pushing it.

"Still would rather be with you," Vic shrugged.

I didn't say anything back. I physically couldn't form words. My head was spinning with a million thoughts and my stomach was storming with a million butterflies. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that life put this wonderful human being in my path when I'm already supposed to be with someone else. When I already supposedly had that person. What was I supposed to do when I felt like I'd never felt before with him instead of her?

"Why?" My voice sounded so far away from myself.

"Why not?" Was his answer.

I knew he was probably teasing. He liked to do that a lot as it was. But I turned to look at him and he was already looking back and his gaze burned into mine. His hand was close to mine on the floor and this time I was brave enough to reach for it. The moment we touched I felt electrified, like my veins were short circuiting around my whole body. He didn't pull away. I didn't either. And as I leaned into him slowly, he put his other hand on my cheek and when our lips finally met for the first time, I felt intoxicated with the amount of emotions that ran through my soul.

Vic kissed in line with his personality. His kisses were cautious and soft and confident. He moved in perfect sync with me. He tasted like cherries. He was so warm. He smelled so good. I tightened my grip on his hand and kissed him harder. He responded by kissing me just as well. Now I understood what I had been missing out on my whole life. It had been this guy. Vic. This feeling he was giving me, this love I felt in my chest for him. Everything. I felt like screaming. I felt like tearing the whole world to pieces.

Vic pulled away first with a gasp. He looked so beautiful like that. His lips tinted red, face flushed, questioning eyes. Was it okay? To have done this. To want him so much. I didn't know. I didn't know anything. He kissed me again and I let myself get lost in his mouth again. I pushed my body to his and let my hands wander around his shoulders, his neck, his hair. He gripped my waist lightly as our mouths kept moving. He was such a good kisser.

When air became an issue we pulled away again. I rested my forehead against his and breathed heavily, he had his eyes closed. I couldn't believe how much I loved him. And then it dawned on me. What I just did. What just happened.

"Fuck. I'm sorry." I whispered. To him and, and to myself.

I freaked out, obviously. It had been amazing but at the same time I felt guilty. I felt terrible. Vic told me that it had been fine, that I didn't need to apologize. It wasn't though. I had all these feelings for him when I shouldn't. I was so torn. I couldn't do it. I wasn't brave enough to do it. I didn't know if he was. He had a girlfriend too. I had seen a few pictures but loved to ignore them. I told him I would see him later for the show and left. I started crying the second I stepped out of the venue and headed for my bus. I had to get it together for the show though, so when I went out again I acted like nothing happened.

Vic seemed worried about me, he tried to talk to me but I made sure I had Jack or Justin around with me so he couldn't catch me alone. The worst part is that I would've killed to kiss him again. To talk to him. For him to give me all his smiles again.

Those last three December dates we only talked through text. And saw each other only to perform. I didn't think I could face him without wanting to make out with him again. My heart stopped beating anytime I glanced at him. Vic only tried bringing the kiss up once but I quickly changed topics and we texted about something else.

Over the Christmas and New Year's break me and the guys recorded two more songs for Madness. Going into the studio again was a blessing in disguise for me. It gave me time away from Vic and I avoided being home for most of the day. I felt awful though. All I wanted was to see Vic and to spend time with my baby Cope. The fact that I didn't even miss Katelynne should have been enough for me to make a decision, but I couldn't let that happen.

I made sure Cope and the boys had the best Christmas ever though, full of presents and awesome food and cheesy holiday movies. Over the New Year's Katelynne took us to a party at a hotel while the kids stayed home with their grandparents. We had a great night. I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to handle being alone with her, but despite everything I loved her. Granted, it wasn't the same burning kind of love I felt for Vic, but it was a tiny love anyway. And that's what made me so fucking furious, because during that party all I could ever wonder was what Vic was up to. All I could ever think about was that kiss.

The World Tour returned towards the end of January and would last until April. Sirens had already booked so many tours for 2015 I was over the moon with everything coming our way. We were releasing Madness in March and I was so excited to play all the new songs live too and go into the promo tours for that record. I had so many great things to look forward to. But all the time I was so fucking sad.

Seeing Vic again was extremely bittersweet. I wanted to hold him and kiss him again and take him to the bus and do unmentionable things with him. It made me crazy to be around him. I didn't know if it made him crazy too. We looked at each other all the time, like we held all the secrets of the world. When we performed King together and he touched my back or my arm or "accidentally" brushed our hands together I felt like dying. I wanted to stop the song and take him back to the dressing rooms and let him have his filthy way with me. I was truly going insane.

The tension between us was definitely building up. I could sense it anytime we talked. Vic never brought up our kiss back in December but I never stopped thinking about it. I bet he couldn't either. I could see the way he looked at me. The way his smile curled at the edges while speaking to me. We never even cared that we were in public. He was even more of a flirt and I was falling more and more every day.

Since I was the one who freaked out and ran away I felt it was on me to try and fix it. So around February, the days close to his birthday, I decided I'd had enough and I texted him to meet me at this 24 hour diner close to the venue we'd performed earlier. The buses weren't leaving yet and I took the opportunity to meet him somewhere not that crowded.

I saw him come into the diner. He gave me a smile and took off his beanie, sitting down in the booth in front of me.

"Why are you drinking coffee at midnight dude?" He joked and I shrugged. I wasn't even drinking the coffee.

"Wanted to come to some place less crowded."

"Oh you don't want us to be seen?"

I chuckled. "We get seen plenty."

He nodded his head. "You're right about that."

Then a waitress came up to us to take Vic's order. He only said he wanted coffee too.

"So... what's up?"

What's up is that I'm in love with you asshole, I wanted to say.

"Nothing, I just wanted to talk."

"Don't we talk plenty?"

I chuckled lightly. "Not about the important stuff."

He looked at me with an eyebrow raised and I looked out the diner's window. My heart was bursting out of my chest. I tried to take a deep breath to calm myself down. I glanced back at him and noticed his hands were clasped on top of the table. I reached for them with mine. Touching him felt even more electric than before.

"Kells..."

I held both his hands in mine, rubbing my fingers against his. His tanned skin contrasted with mine and I loved how we looked together. Fuck, we would look so good together.

"I don't understand this Vic," I said quietly, my eyes still on our clasped hands, I ignored my wedding ring. "I don't know why it's happening or how it happened..."

"I know," Vic whispered.

I glanced up at him. "I tried to fight it but, but you never left my mind, Vic."

His eyes softened and he gave me a small smile, tightening his grip on my hands.

"All I want to do is kiss you again."

I couldn't believe I said it out loud. Just then the waitress came back with Vic's coffee and I took away my hands from his in a heartbeat. When she left I rubbed my hands on my face. I was going insane.

"Well, for the record," Vic said and I opened my fingers so I could look at him sipping on his coffee. "I've wanted to kiss you ever since I met you."

That straight up killed me. I groaned and dropped my head on the table and tried to make sense of anything that was happening. God. I felt his foot underneath the table rubbing at my leg. I chuckled weakly, loving how his touches felt. Loving how safe he always made me feel.

"Hey..." Vic said slowly. I hummed to let him know I was listening. "I know this is difficult because you're–"

"Please don't say it."

"Alright..."

"And you also..." I mumbled, still not looking at him, referring to the redhead in his pictures. I didn't think he listened to me but he did.

"It's not the same as what I feel for you."

I lifted my head slowly. I bet I looked terrified. "... I'm tired of fighting it."

"What if we stop?" He gave me a look and I guess that did it for me.

I stood up. I felt dizzy even though all I had was a sip of the coffee. I took a $20 bill and left it at the table.

"Come with me," I said and he got up too.

He followed behind me as we exited the diner. We were in downtown Chicago and when I reached a cinema I wasn't surprised when they had a show this late at night. I bought two tickets and handed Vic one. The theater was dark and relatively empty, I didn't even know what movie they were showing, I just climbed the steps all the way to the back. I sat down and Vic sat beside me.

I was breathing heavily and could feel my pulse on my throat. When Vic turned to look at me and questioned what we were doing, I didn't waste any time. I kissed him like the world was about to end. And it felt even better than the first time back in December. He kissed me back with just as much passion and I felt like floating away into space. I turned back the chair's arm so I could get closer to him, he grabbed my waist and I clinged to his sweater. I wanted to melt into him, I wanted to become one with him. I couldn't find a way to explain everything I felt. I wanted him whole.

I don't know how long we stayed at that theater, probably like half an hour. We both got calls from our management and bandmates asking where the hell were we, because the buses were about to leave us behind. They wouldn't do that, but it still scared us and we ran out of the theater and towards the venue, hand in hand, laughing like little kids and like the world was a little brighter. My heart felt full for the first time. I knew it was dangerous, what we got ourselves into. But I remember thinking that it was worth it. Whenever I looked at him I knew it was. Vic Fuentes was worth everything.

When his birthday came around I really wanted to get him something special. I got him a journal with his name and a little cartoon drawing of him on the cover. I got it from a fan that had a store on Etsy. I don't think she realized it was me since I used an alias and she was so excited to make the gift from a fan to another fan. As a joke, I also got a huge plushie so he could take on his tour bus. He loved both of the presents.

The show in Pittsburgh that night was great because our management got him a huge Mickey Mouse cake and we sang him happy birthday with the crowd. He almost cried tears of joy and it was adorable as hell. He was so happy. His happiness made me happy too. We had another show the next day in the same venue so we were all staying at a hotel overnight and of course we all took the opportunity to hit the clubs for Vic's birthday after the show.

I made sure to stay away from drinking too much since I knew I would betray myself and kiss Vic in front of everyone, but I loved that night anyway. We all had a great time partying and dancing like idiots. The single guys were all over some girls trying to get lucky, I danced with Vic for a bit. He was tipsy at best but could definitely hold it better than most.

Later when everyone packed up and headed back to the hotel, I went to my room. I was still coming down from the high of the party and the moment I heard a knock on my door, I opened it with a smile. That smile only grew bigger noticing it was the birthday boy.

"I'm kinda sad I didn't get a birthday kiss." He said and I laughed, reaching for his shirt and pulling him inside the room.

I kissed him against the door and thought that nothing would ever make me happier than this.

We were mostly careful when we kissed. We both agreed that it would be easier if no one knew. And it was going well, for the most part. We really had to get creative to find time alone though, since we both had busy days before every show and were surrounded by people all the time. And not being able to be with him only made me crave him more. I wasn't really sure of how to be with another guy, but I knew that whatever happened would be fine because it would be with Vic.

It wasn't until a couple weeks later when we got another two shows in the same venue in Orlando that we got the chance of exploring that next step. And I've got to say, sleeping with Vic was an otherworldly experience. I wanted to wake up beside him for the rest of my life. I wanted to say I loved him. He almost did. I stopped him because I already knew. I told him I did too, while touching his heart and in between white hotel sheets.

Eventually the only person who found out about us was Justin. I wasn't even surprised he was the one to walk in on us while we kissed in the dressing room bathroom while the special guests bands played before us. I really thought I had locked the door.

"Oh shit. Fuck. Oh. Oh my God." I think Justin was even more flustered than us being caught making out.

"God, Justin." I groaned and covered my face with my hands.

Vic was cornering me against the wall and what we were doing was painfully obvious.

Justin turned around and practically flew out of the dressing room.

"Shit." Vic mumbled and made me look at him. "Hey, deep breaths angel."

I bit my lip and followed his instructions. I couldn't help but to laugh lightly though. Vic gave me a confused look.

"He knew, I mean, he knew from before."

"Before?"

"Like, last year. Before all this. But I guess he just confirmed it."

Vic chuckled and kissed my cheek. "You should still talk to him."

I nodded and laughed again. "He's probably screaming outside."

"I'll go see the guys," Vic grinned and we exited the bathroom, not before giving me another soft kiss and making me smile.

I found Justin sitting in one of the couches of the dressing room, he still looked so flabbergasted.

"Victor Fuentes, you better be taking care of my main bitch." He told Vic as he was leaving, pointing an accusatory finger at him. Vic laughed and I pinched his arm.

"I am." Vic winked and all the color rushed to my face.

"Good." Justin said.

When Vic left he gave me a knowing smirk.

"Don't get me wrong I'm dying here to know how the fuck this happened. But wow, man. I gotta say, congratulations."

"Stop," I groaned again. "You didn't see anything Justin."

"Don't worry man." He grinned. "I literally want to scream. Holy shit. Okay. Well, I just hope you little bastards are being safe."

"We are," I snapped and then realized what I had just admitted and I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

"Nooo! Kellin! Holy shit. Oh fuck." He put his hands on his head. "Oh wow."

I couldn't even imagine how red I must have looked.

"Please pretend this never happened, please."

"Okay, okay." He was laughing so much and I was mortified.

When Justin's laughter died down though, he got this serious look and put his hand on my shoulder. "What does this mean though? Are you ... you know. Does sh–"

I interrupted him before he could continue what I knew he was about to ask.

"He makes me happy. I've never felt this way before with anyone, ever. I'm happy for once."

He gave a sympathetic look. I knew he was glancing at my ring finger and thinking about her. And probably thinking of Vic's too.

"And I'm happy for you dude. I really am." He grinned teasingly again. I was grateful he dropped the topic of them. "I told you, didn't I?"

"Shut up." I rolled my eyes.

"I bet he's amazing in bed. With those arms."

"Shut up!!"

Sirens released Madness in March and it was a success. I was honestly terrified at the reception because of our "change" in sound, there were some complaints as expected, but overall our fans were loving it and I was so excited to finally play the new songs live for the third leg of The World Tour, which was going to be around Europe. I couldn't wait to leave the states and visit all these new places. I couldn't wait to get to see all these beautiful countries with Vic by my side.

I admit that it was probably too much too soon for us. We went all in very quickly and we forgot that the rest of the world existed. We forgot that we were also fooling ourselves pretending we could be together forever. Forever was too big a word for us. Forever basically didn't exist. I like to think we made the most of our time during the last days of the tour. We never said it but we knew it was only a matter of time before it all crashed down around us, so we made our encounters happen more often. We kissed anytime we could, booked hotel rooms, held hands under tables, stole looks from across rooms, shared smiles that no one else knew the meaning of. We lived in a bubble that had no other choice but to burst.

The last shows of the tour had been in London. Gabe told me that the whole crew was planning a special last day party, so I had to tell Vic that we should spend the first night in the city together since we wouldn't be able to be alone the second. And well, after that night we were going on different tours and life was pretty uncertain. I didn't want to think about that at all. Not if I could help it. Unfortunately it didn't take long for those two April dates to arrive. And sooner than I would've liked, I was meeting Vic at the room he had booked under a different name at the hotel we were all staying that night.

We didn't only meet to have sex, even though that's where we ended up later on, but Vic had his laptop and a cute projector which he had set up before I arrived. He put on Mean Girls for us to watch while we ate pizza and snacks. I couldn't help imagining that if we were other people, if we were random guys with common jobs and common lives, who had met under normal circumstances, at a club, at the grocery store, randomly on the street; this would be a perfect date.

I remember leaning my head on his shoulder, and for a moment I really pretended I wasn't Kellin Quinn lead vocalist of Sleeping with Sirens and that he wasn't Vic Fuentes lead vocalist of Pierce The Veil. We were only Kellin and Vic, on a date, in London, in a hotel room, watching a nostalgic rom-com and with their whole lives ahead of them to spend together. I really wished that was true.

The next morning I woke up before Vic. It was probably way too early because the room was only dimly lit with the first bits of sunshine outside. I was on my side and Vic had fallen asleep facing me, one of his legs was still tangled in mine and I loved how warm he felt beside me. I looked at his peaceful sleeping form with a sad smile on my face. I was going to miss him so much. I deluded myself into thinking maybe we could work something out.

I ran my fingers through his soft brown curls. He had cut the length of his hair before coming to Europe and it was a huge change but I still loved the way he looked. Short hair suited him just as well and he was still so beautiful.

I wondered how life could be so unfair. Then I felt terrible because I had an amazing life after all. I didn't get to really complain about anything when I'd had all these opportunities, when I had a beautiful family, a successful band that toured the world.

I placed my hand on Vic's cheek and stayed there, studying his face. The way he breathed, the way his eyes moved behind his closed lids. How his skin felt against mine, how close I was that I could feel his breaths mixing with mine. I thought about how much I loved him and how nothing would ever compare to him.

When he opened his eyes and his brain adjusted to his surroundings, he looked at me already looking at him and smiled. He grabbed at my shoulder and pulled me so that I was laying halfway on top of him. I wrapped my arms around him and held on with all the force I could muster. I never wanted to let him go, I never wanted him to be away from me.

"Good morning angel." He whispered just enough for me to hear.

"Morning," I said back, my head on the crook of his neck.

I loved when he called me angel. Said once I don't even know that I looked like one. I told him he was dead wrong. But I still loved the pet name.

"We got a long day today."

"I'd rather stay here with you."

Vic chuckled. "That would be amazing, yes."

"Let's run away and never come back. We can even change our names."

Vic laughed again. I could feel the vibrations from his throat. "Let's do that."

I closed my eyes and inhaled his scent. He knew I couldn't do that. I couldn't break my family up. I promised I would be better than my father. I wouldn't leave like he did. I said I would do anything for my kids. And I stood by that promise. I wrote about it all the time. This with Vic was everything I ever wanted, but we couldn't have it.

"So this is it huh?" He sounded sad, I could feel my heart breaking bit by bit.

But this was it. This is where we said goodbye.

I held on tighter to his body. Trying to say sorry, trying to let him understand that if we were different people, if we lived in a different world, maybe then. Maybe then.

"I will think about you all the time."

"You will be here all the time," he grabbed my hand and placed it on top of his chest.

I could feel his heartbeat. I kissed the spot. Then kissed him.

Time for the bubble to burst, I thought. Time to leave our dream world.

He gave me a present before we left the hotel room. A necklace, with wings as a pendant. I knew he would get it when he listened to Fly. For your birthday, he said. I probably won't get to see you. I hugged him and put it on for the last show.

When we performed King for the last time it took everything in me not to break down and keep my upbeat stance for the show. When the last blast of confetti exploded for the crowd I looked at Vic and he looked back at me. It was as if I could see everything between us, since those twitter interactions, to that very instant. All the love I felt for him and that I had to shut down for everyone else's sake. I didn't care, I went to hug him. 

We said goodbye on a rainy night and I left my heart with him.

We went on different tours to promote Madness. We came back to the US. We had an acoustic tour called We Like It Quiet where we got to rest from the loudness of our normal shows and got to perform with more intimate crowds. We even put out a record from those shows too. I was hanging in there. Trying to forget my time with Vic and trying not to miss him like a missing limb.

I didn't know how he was doing. He never told me anything anymore. I was probably ignoring him. It was the best I could do to start getting over it. He seemed to be doing well with his girlfriend though. I wondered if he'd told her and if she'd forgiven him. I know I never planned on telling Katelynne. She would take everything away from me and I wouldn't know what to do then. It was something I would have to keep to myself til the day I died. I would ignore the fantasies the fans had, joke around our nickname and treat my broken heart like another silly joke. But it didn't go past me at all.

Once the Summer came around and the acoustic tour ended, I didn't feel any better. No one knew what I was going through but it wasn't like I could tell anyone either, only Justin. He tried to comfort me as much as he could. I told him I was fine. I didn't want to get the rest of the guys worried about me and asking questions about what was happening to me because I wouldn't know how to explain it. All they knew is that I was sad.

Going home after that tour was tough. Needless to say seeing Katelynne hurt way more than I thought it would. It was only then that it fell on me like a ton of bricks, what I'd done, what it meant for our marriage. I fell even deeper into this darkness that was clouding my heart. She had no idea what was wrong with me. She tried to help, she gave me comfort, she tried to cheer me up. All I wanted to do was scream that I didn't deserve it. And I could tell that she got annoyed with my moping around pretty quickly. Eventually though, I had to get out of my depression for my kids. They finally had their dad home and I was spending it in bed too scared to get out of my own room, pretending to be sick so I couldn't play with them.

I stood up and dusted myself off, for them. Everything I ever did was for them.

Sirens were supposed to attend the Alternative Press awards again. I couldn't believe that a whole year had already passed. I couldn't help thinking about how the previous year I had been blind to my feelings for Vic, and now I was destroyed thanks to those too. I couldn't believe how much had happened and in such a small amount of time too. I knew Pierce was going, how could they not. I didn't think I could handle seeing him when I was trying to really get past everything. So I didn't go.

The only thing I regret about not going was Sirens winning song of the year for Kick Me and me not being there to thank the fans on the stage. The guys did a pretty good job up there though. Justin and I watched them from home and were so extremely happy too. A song we made was song of the year. That was a huge accomplishment.

What I didn't regret was seeing Vic. I knew it would hurt too much. And I got to prove my point right when I finally saw him again at Warped Tour. Siren's wasn't even supposed to be on Warped that year but our manager found a way to squeeze us for the last couple of weeks, to "warm us up" for the upcoming tours we had. I protested saying it wouldn't be a good idea, that we needed to rest more, but the band was way too excited to play again. We loved Warped and the energy it held. It would be great to play the new songs. I had to agree in the end. But not before shaving the side of my head and getting red highlights on my hair. I wanted to try something new and I've heard changing your hair helps you with heartbreak.   

And well, it did hurt when I saw him again. Especially because I didn't see him alone. I saw him with his girlfriend, being annoyingly cute and taking pictures as if they were famous instagram models. I guess that's what she was after all. I never actually met her, didn't feel like I needed to. Danielle. I was sure she was nice and great, but I couldn't meet her. I couldn't do that to myself. Seeing them around at Warped was enough. Seeing the pictures online was even more so.

He texted me one time. Asking me how it was that we hadn't seen each other being on the same tour. I told him I had been busy. He told me he missed me. I didn't reply. We didn't even sing King together. Didn't see the point of it since they'd been playing it without me since the beginning of the tour. I was more than glad to not do it, even if it disappointed the fans. We only ever said Hi to each other once. It was amicable. It was awkward as hell. I couldn't believe how I could feel so far away from someone when they were standing right in front of me, when they were the closest person to me before. I hated it. I wished I could hate him.

Towards the end of Warped the staff organized a barbeque after all the shows were over and all the bands were invited. I wasn't that really into the idea but Justin told me it would be good to get my mind off things. I would've rather stayed in my bunk writing in my journal. I had been doing way more writing then. I ended up showing up way later when almost all the food was gone and most people were turning to drinking. I didn't mind that at all.

I started drinking beer and headed over to watch some guys play beer pong. I tried having a good time but I couldn't. I kept drinking beer. I was glad Vic wasn't at the party. Or maybe he was hiding from me. I guessed I was hiding from him too. Eventually I got tired of the loud music and all the people having fun and I decided to go back to my bus. And maybe I was starting to get tipsy because I didn't pay much attention to where I was going or remember exactly where my bus was.

I climbed into one though. And it wasn't the Sirens bus at all.

I stopped dead in my tracks. Vic was sitting at the couch, his guitar on his lap. He was strumming some melody I hadn't heard before. I'd heard Pierce was planning a new album, maybe he was working on that. He looked at me in shock and I frowned.

"What are you doing on my bus?!"

His shock wore off and he shook his head, laughing in disbelief.

"I think you're wrong there Kells."

"Don't, don't call me that." I stuttered, suddenly getting nervous.

"This is our bus. Yours is a bit further down."

"I," I didn't know what to say. I could feel myself blushing and I internally rolled my eyes at myself. "Fuck, sorry. I, I'll go."

"Wait," he stood up quickly and grabbed at my jacket sleeve. I wished my heart didn't burst at the feeling of his touch again.

"I thought we agreed we wouldn't ignore each other."

I frowned. "We never agreed on anything."

"Kells..."

"Stop, don't call me that." I could feel myself start to shake. I didn't want to start crying but my voice broke anyway. "You don't know how hard this has been for me."

"Yeah?" He chuckled bitterly and crossed his arms over his chest. "I've been in love with you since the first time I saw you. How do you think it's been for me?"

I didn't know how to respond to that. I didn't say anything. I couldn't. He had this way of making my brain stop working and I hated him for it.

"Well, you seem pretty fine to me." I mumbled. I felt stupid as soon as I said it though.

"What do you want me to say? That I cry over you every night or something? I love you Kellin, that will never change. And it kills me on the inside that we can't have this. It does. But my pain is not yours, or anyone else's, to see."

I frowned and looked at my shoes. I wanted to break down and cry but I didn't want him to see me that way. I didn't know why I was still on that bus. My feet wouldn't move and I had too many thoughts going through my head. I guessed I must have seemed pretty fine to him too. He was right, as always. We didn't owe each other anything.

"Can I ask you something?" I said quietly.

He sighed. "Sure."

"Why didn't you say something earlier? When we first met. I, we could've–" I didn't mean to choke on my own words. Maybe things could've been different then.

"It wouldn't have changed anything, Kellin."

"But how do you know that?" I rubbed my eyes with my sleeve.

I felt him getting closer to me and that only made me want to cry harder. "You were never meant for me. When I met you, it was already too late." He said, just above a whisper.

"You don't know that." I shook my head and felt tears run through my cheeks. But I knew I was wrong. Life was a bitch.

He slowly lifted my head with the tips of his fingers and dried my eyes softly with his other hand, giving me his soothing gaze that made me feel better all the time, before. "Hey, it's okay. I've accepted it. We've been through this, remember?"

He was referring to our last night in London. Of course I remembered.

"I don't want to cut you out of my life. If I can't love you the way I do, let me at least be your friend."

I looked into his pleading brown eyes. I knew this was killing him just as much as it was killing me. I lifted my hand to touch the fingers he still had on my chin and closed my eyes, gripping his hand tightly and kissing his knuckles.

"Can I ask you something else?" I glanced at him once more.

He nodded his head.

"Can you kiss me?"

He didn't say anything, instead he took my hand to his lips and mimicked my actions, kissing me there. Then he looked at my face and leaned in to close the gap between us. I inhaled deeply as our hands unclasped from each other's and instead went everywhere. He brought my body closer to his so there was literally no space between us. I felt as light as a feather and as big as the ocean. His lips burned into mine fervently, like he needed it. I knew I needed it just as much. I didn't know how I had made it that long without his mouth working so perfectly against mine, without the touch of his hands on my neck. Breathing in his scent, sharing the same breath.

I pushed him back on the couch behind him with my lips still on his and straddled his waist. His hands clasped my hips and mine ran through his hair. I dropped his cap somewhere else and welcomed the fiery desire that I've always felt for him.

"One last time," I gasped for air once we pulled away.

He wasted no time in kissing me again, lifting me up at the same time he stood up and carried us to the back of the bus, where no one would interrupt and no one would know of the very last time we were ever together.

After Warped Tour was over Sirens went on the promotional tours for Madness across the US, Latin America and Australia, during the Fall we toured the US again with All Time Low and One OK Rock until November. Things were hectic and busy and I loved everything about it. I was extremely grateful for all the tours we embarked ourselves into because they gave me time to process and finally start to heal. The energy of every show and the kindness of the fans really gave my broken heart some hope. Being surrounded by so many friends, old and new was also amazing.

I never really saw Vic again. We were going to be friends, albeit distant friends, but friends nonetheless. We agreed that our lives would always be threatened together whether we liked it or not. It was better to just accept it and get it over with. And after that night at Warped Tour it was like we got a bit of closure. We came to an understanding. I still loved him, but what they say is true. If you love someone you have to let them go.

I started writing a lot during those tours too. My journals were multiplying from having so much to write about. Writing stuff down became my way of coping with everything, and even if most of what I wrote were song lyrics that would never ever be recorded, it helped me let out all the frustrations and sadness out of my system. I was grateful for that too. I knew album number 5 was already in the works by the start of 2016.

And we got working on that right away too. The first few months of the year I focused fully on my music and spending time with my family. I knew I needed it the most. Me and the guys were trying to come up with something different, something that would get people talking. We were musically ambitious and we stopped caring about what people had to say about us.

I was still alive after all, even if my bruises and scars were invisible.

And now a year later we were halfway done with that record. Now you might be wondering, Kellin, why are you thinking about all of this? Why are you opening old wounds again? Well, because I'm about to record the song that puts it all out there. And I'm anxious and thinking of him makes me feel better. Remembering also helps. He still has a way of calming me down, even after all these years and despite everything that happened between us.

I look at my journal resting in my lap, reading the original entry where I Need To Know was born into the song I'm supposed to record in a bit. I'm sitting just outside the recording booth, waiting for our producer David Bendeth to come back from some call he had to take. My leg is bouncing up and down quickly, I try to stop it but it's useless. I sigh and lean my head against the wall.

I didn't know right away when I first saw him. Nothing clicked inside my head and made me think that's it. That's your person. But I'm probably too oblivious and did get the feeling and didn't know what it was. I'm working really hard to get past all the frustration of having been blind in the beginning. It wouldn't have changed anything.

I hum the melody of the song lightly to myself. No one will know it's about Vic. Or maybe some will connect the dots, but I won't really care. Maybe he will once he listens to the record. Maybe he'll answer me. I listened to his song too. Bedless. Clever name. Wherever he is now, I hope my words reach him and make him remember me, us, and that I still love him and will do for the rest of my life.

"Kellin," David walks in the room again. "Sorry, that took longer than expected."

I looked up and shook my head. "No worries man."

"We're ready then."

"Let's do this," I nod and stand up, walking into the booth. I put the headphones on and get closer to the mic. I look at him from the glass and he gives me the signal of when to start.

I take a deep breath.

And sing.

{Cue to play the song and stop reading and soak in feelings and believe my agenda.} 

×××

10 years later - 2027

"Thank you for tuning in to the Behind The Music podcast. I'm your host Brie and here with us is a very special guest. You might know him from your youth, you might know him from recent years. The one and only, the king, leader of Sleeping with Sirens and singer extraordinaire, Kellin Quinn! How are you Kellin?"

"Hey Brie, thank you for having me." I give the rainbow haired woman a smile and chuckle a bit at the dramatics of her introduction. "It's so great to be here. I love this space."

"Thank you Kellin. It's such an honor to have a huge legend of rock in our program." Brie says into the mic.

We're in the studio where the shows of her program are recorded. Brie is the leader on music podcasts today, so honestly it was really my honor to be a guest here.

"I wouldn't say legend," I laugh. "We only don't know when to quit."

"And we love that! Could you imagine a life without Sleeping with Sirens? Absolutely not." She shakes her head, her big curls flowing with the movement.

I give her a grateful smile and shrug. "What can I say? We still have it in us."

"And you guys have had quite a career! Almost 20 years... Not many bands can say the same."

"You know, we've always liked to defy the odds." I smile into the camera in front of me.

Another bunch of cameras surround us, the interview is being streamed live and I could see how the amount of people watching only increased more and more. It makes me nervous obviously, but not as much as it did when I was younger.

"So Kellin, how does it feel to be celebrating 10 years of your album Gossip? It still feels like yesterday when I was a teen listening to it for the first time."

"Oh geez," I shake my head, already sensing the surreal feeling. "It's insane to think about because it doesn't feel like that long ago? Then again when that record was released my daughter was 5, and now I'm teaching her how to drive."

Brie puts up her hands in disbelief. "Stop. Now that's crazy. Talk about time being a real wonder, huh?"

"That it is." I agree. "But yeah, Gossip was a gem. I love that record. It came out when I was getting out of this dark state of mind, and the album was a way of coping with everything happening, you know. Most records are like that one way or another, but this one, it had a special place."

"I could always tell it had something fresh and new for the time."

"Absolutely, we wanted to experiment more. We added different styles on probably each song. I knew it wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea and it really wasn't. People hated the record. But, you know how it is with music. As long as we were proud of it it was fine."

Brie nods along with everything I say, closing her eyes and mouthing preach it, as she moves her head. It makes me laugh again. "I'm glad you kept evolving musically. Your latest records have been uh-mazing. Do you still have a favorite song from Gossip, Kellin?"

I smile widely and I can see her light up at my reaction, probably wondering what I just thought about. This is also probably going to get her a lot of clout. "I do, yes."

"Can we know more about it?" She says into the mic.

I chuckle. "I think I've always had a different answer for this question. But my favorite has always been I Need To Know."

"Ooh, what a great song. I always had such a tragic vibe about that one." Brie nods. "Can we know why?"

"Well, because it's about a special person in my life."

"Could it be your ex-wife?" Brie says carefully, and it almost makes me crack up. Hell, no.

I limit myself by shaking my head. "Not exactly."

"Oh?" I can tell it's killing her to know. She has this curious look in her eyes that most interviewers get when they know they're about to find something big. I think I chose the right place to share it though. "Is she someone we know?"

I wait a few seconds. "You might know him, yes."

The expression on Brie's face is priceless. I think she forgot she was streaming live for a second. I want to laugh so hard, but I contain it. And I really want to yell from excitement. Saying that felt so freeing. Now it's out there. Finally.

And seeing Brie has gone into some brain fuse, I decide to save her.

"The song basically tells the story of two people who were destined to be torn apart. Their love couldn't be because of, well, so many things really." I laugh lightly and Brie's soul finally comes back to her body.

She nods along, her eyes huge. "And what happened to them?"

I look at my hands on the desk and cross my fingers. I smile. "Eventually they found each other again, despite all odds."

There's a second of silence from Brie's end. I could kill to know what she's thinking. "... So this person, this man? He found you again?"

I glance up at her again, grinning. I can't really help showing how happy I feel. I then look at the camera in front of me and nod.

"He did."

Brie lets out an overjoyed laugh and claps her hands. "That's, oh my Gosh. That's beautiful Kellin. I think we can all tell you're really happy. I'm happy for you!"

I laugh and shake my head. "I'm very happy too. Thank you."

×××

When I get home after the podcast show ends, I'm terrified to even check on my phone. I don't think I will until tomorrow afternoon, when hopefully things might have calmed down. I highly doubt that though. But who knows, maybe people stopped caring so much about me and my life and it might not even be relevant with everything else going on in the media.

I park my car on the driveway and get out, not before picking up the take-out I bought for us to dine. I walk the short space to the door and get inside, taking off my shoes.

"I'm home!" I shout into the air and walk to the kitchen.

On the way there I can see our cat Loki asleep on one of the couches, and hear the familiar sound of a dog collar coming my way.

"Hey buddy." I crouch to my knees to pet our dog Bear. "Did you miss me big boy?" I coo and ruffle his soft ears and he starts licking me, making me scrunch up my face and laugh.

"I sure did," I hear another voice enter the kitchen and I smile brightly at the tanned man watching us, not before rolling my eyes playfully at him.

"Stop being obsessed with me," I tease him and he smirks at me.

"I could never."

I laugh and stand up and walk over to Vic, who leans against the doorframe, holding a mug in his hands and already wearing pajamas at 6pm. I close the distance between us and kiss his mouth softly. "Hi."

He smiles against my mouth, lighting up the whole world. "Hi."

"I bought us some sushi."

He grins and kisses me again. "My hero."

Sometimes I still can't believe we ended up here. That our lives collided again, that life kept putting him in my path and I finally accepted that he was it and it was worth fighting for.

I knew once the ten year anniversary of our song came around I was bound to see him again. We released an acoustic version of the song, recorded it over the early months of 2022. Things were alright with us. Back to normal after so much time already. But then we went on tour again. And then again. And then again.

Years passed and I came to the conclusion that I hadn't really gotten over him at all. All those old feelings were still there. And I knew he felt the same. I knew him too well.

During that time I was also realizing that my mental health couldn't stand being married to someone I never loved and that never loved me, even if that person was the mother of my children. Loads of therapy made me accept that I had to make a decision. And the kids didn't have to suffer the consequences of my actions if it was handled correctly.

Vic and I got together officially in 2025. It only took us a decade, I know. After the second time Pierce and Sirens toured together, we gave in. We couldn't really stay away from each other. It was as if all those years of longing and missing and not being able to be together finally got to us and we were faced once again with the undeniable truth: we were each other's from the beginning.

And I will never regret choosing Vic.

We didn't announce it to the world or anything, as much as we wanted to see people's reactions. We knew some old fans would lose their minds. But sometimes privacy is the better option for these things. The only people that knew were our bandmates and families. They were thrilled for us too. Justin said he wanted to be our best man since he knew from the start that this would end well. I told him that wasn't going to happen any time soon though. I don't think Vic wants to get into another marriage so soon, even if it's with me.

Now two years later it all still feels unreal. That we met each other again after so many years and still felt the same after so much. That we really found a way to make it work and love each other like we always wanted. That we have a home, that I get to wake up next to him every morning like I always dreamed of when I was younger, that I can call him mine and he can call me his. That my kids still love me despite so much, that they didn't even mind. That they love Vic too.

The way it all happened, it takes my breath away.

"So you told the world today," Vic smirks and takes a sip from the tea in his mug.

"Not really..." I give him a grin. "But kinda."

He chuckles and puts a strand of my hair behind my ear. "I was watching it. I think you broke the internet."

I groan. "People still care?"

He hums and I have to laugh.

"They're happy for you though. Well, for us. Of course they know it's me." Vic smirks.

I lean my head on his shoulder. "Happy or not I wouldn't care. As long as I'm with you."

"Pft. And you call me a cheese ball." He teases and I stick my tongue out.

"You know it's true though," I smile.

He smiles right back. "I know."

When people say that when you meet the person you're supposed to end up with something deep inside you tells you that's it, perhaps they might be right. I know it now with Vic standing in front of me, I look at him and I know he's my person. When I take his hand I know he is it, when I kiss him I know he always has been.

And I wouldn't have it any other way. 

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(a/n): *nervous laughter* 

Thank you so much for reading my kellic history book!!! 

song fact! Okay so here's what happened, when I first listened to Gossip I hated it lmao but still saved it to my library because idk, so one day I was chilling and suddenly this random song comes on shuffle and I realize it's sws and I'm like ?? wtf is this ?? but then I started paying attention to the lyrics and I was like 😦🥺 is this about mf Vic Fuentes??? And started crying. Mind you, it was probaly 2018 where Kellic was hanging by a thread and all but I was still hoping for it to revive. So imagine my levels of shook. Ever since then I've been a firm believer that this song is about him and now thanks to all the weeks of unnecessary research for this nonsense, I've come to the conclusion that it truly is 😌 And some others like Closer and Hole in my Heart are also fair contenders. 

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. 

Also Bedless by ptv is about Kellin, we don't need an explanation for that.

Ps. jokes on me because I listened to Gossip again this week and guess who actually likes it now.

Anyways tell me what you thought of this! Loved it? Hated it? Do I need therapy? 

See you in the next one! Will be extra emotional because it is the last one!! Never thought I'd make it this far 🖤 Take care!

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