Warnings: subtle mentions of eating disorders and depression

{Kellin}

When I opened my eyes the first thing I noticed was his absence in my arms.

I blinked a few times and waited a bit until they adjusted to the light, then sat up slowly. The TV set was still playing the movie I picked earlier and the covers were scattered all over the couch. I ran a hand through my dark locks as I looked around our living room. I must have dozed off for at least 30 minutes, it couldn't have been more. I didn’t mean to though, this couch just tends to make anyone drowsy. But where did he go?

I picked the remote from the coffee table and turned the device off. I had a feeling today was different for him. For one, he had agreed to watch a movie with me which hadn't happened in a while. And he even came and shared the couch with me. I was surprised at first. I had missed having him be affectionate with me so much and I wasn't going to pass up on the opportunity, and so we cuddled while my favorite movie played on the screen in front of us. My arms wrapped tightly around his thin form, his body fitting with mine perfectly. It was such an important moment and I had to go and fall asleep.

I went into the kitchen although I knew he wouldn’t be there and when my suspicion was proven right I made my way to our room. Maybe he wanted to take a nap more comfortably on the bed, that's become our usual routine for the past few months, him taking naps several times in the day.

I opened the door slowly and frowned when I saw the bed unmade. My eyes travelled to the small balcony we had in the bedroom and that's when I finally found him. He was smoking a cigarette and the white curtains danced around him with the light breeze coming from outside. He had changed his clothes and was now wearing a thick wool sweater that hung loosely over his shoulders with dark sweatpants and no shoes. I noticed his hair was damp and droplets were falling on the soft material. He had taken a shower. The thought made me smile, but I tried not to let it show too much.

"Hey you," I said softly, trying not to startle him as I walked into the enclosed space. He looked at me for a second and then the other way to let out the smoke from the drag he'd taken prior my entrance.

"Sorry," he sighed and stubbed out the cigarette on a plate we kept in the small table we had there. "It was just this one, I swear."

"Don't worry about it," I replied.

I'm not a big fan of his smoking, but it's become his way of coping with everything. Doing it keeps him from focusing on the other stuff and even when I believe it's very damaging for him, I understand he needs it sometimes. He's been trying to do it less often though, for which I'm glad.

"What are you doing?" I asked after a small silence.

"You fell asleep and I felt like it was time for a shower, and then," he pointed up with his index finger and I looked up at the sky. It had been a sunny day since the morning, summer making its first appearances after such a cold winter and now the sky was a deep blue above us. “I couldn’t remember what it was like, for it to be so warm and... blue. I don't know.”

I chuckled lightly as he shook his head and felt my heart soar with joy at his words. It's been twice this week that he's showered. And him being able to feel the warmth again made me want to hug him tightly and never let go. He’s slowly getting out of the Hole. That’s what he called it. When he got sick, he said he felt like he'd fallen into this Hole inside his mind. And he's finally making his way out of it after so long.

I looked at him and offered him a smile. “Well, summer’s right around the corner, you know. Warm nights are coming soon, and clear skies all the time, bright stars at night too." I said remembering our last summer before everything went down, where we spent the whole season trying new things like camping and going on road trips to the beach. It was the happiest he was. Before. "Oh, and sunsets. Don’t forget sunsets.”   

The corners of his mouth lifted just the tiniest bit, so much if you didn't know him as well as I do, you wouldn't have noticed at all. “Right. Sunsets.”

He looked lost in thought while staring out at the scenery from our balcony. I'd gotten used to him not speaking much. Comfortable silences had become our thing. I was mostly the one talking non-stop around him and I think he enjoyed not having to say much. I was also a pretty talkative dude, so I couldn't complain much.

We lived on the fourth floor of one of the few apartment buildings around, in a pretty quiet neighborhood. Most of it was surrounded by trees and nature and I really loved that. And I’ve always considered ourselves lucky to have moved into one that had a balcony. He had been so excited too. The first night we spent here in our new home we had a toast in this very place. We thought we looked hilarious standing there with our fancy champagne glasses and raggy clothes we wore for the move. We brought a table and a couple of chairs and stayed here most of the night, just talking and stealing kisses and listening to music. It’s still one of the best memories I have. The other houses from the neighborhood were pretty far from each other too so you barely heard any noise from other people, if you don't count the other tenants of the building. All this quiet also helped him when it got really bad. And I’m also very thankful for that.

“Kellin,” he said turning to me and bringing me back from my train of thought. “I think... I think I want to go outside.”

This time I couldn’t help the huge smile that formed on my face. “Really?”

He hadn't been outside since he was diagnosed. He said once that he just didn't feel like it, but I knew it was because he felt ashamed, of the way he looked, of what he'd been doing, and he just wanted to stay in bed all day trying to forget. Though he didn't have anything to be ashamed of, he was still the most beautiful man in my eyes.

He shrugged. “I might want to see a sunset.”

I wish he knew that to me he’s the sunlight without even trying.

I kept my smile and held out my hand waiting for him to take it. When he did I held on tightly, interlocking my fingers with his. “I might know a place.”

And that’s how Vic went outside for the first time in a long time.

×××

Vic’s therapist said that it would get better in time. I think all therapists are supposed to say that eventually, but turns out she was right.

When she first told me that, she explained that during his recovery there would be bad days and okay days, and then darker days which would be worse than the bad ones, but that one day all that darkness would start to fade, little by little. And he'd be okay again. As long as he kept the sessions with her and the other doctors and took the meds and did the work too. He would stop feeling guilty after every meal. He would slowly regain sense of his own being. He would get up more often and take care of his hygiene again. He would be willing to do things during the day. So on, and so on.

Until then though, she added that more often than not he would do everything to push me away and try to break things off with me. His self esteem would be extremely low and he would call himself negative names constantly, and he would shut down from everyone around him, family and friends and work colleagues and me, specially me. He would say he wasn't worthy of love and that I deserved better. And it would break my heart (which it did when it eventually happened). But since we lived together it was my job to make things easier for him without being overbearing, keeping normal balance with our daily lives all through his journey. Being the strength he needed to get better.

Communication was key during these periods and I learned that the hard way. I accept that it was difficult for me at first. I loved Vic so much that I would rather feel all the pain for him instead. I wanted to take it all away from him and carry his burden for him. Eventually I understood that it was impossible and that I could only be there whenever he needed me to talk to him or to give him a hug or to hold him while he cried before going to sleep. And I became excellent at that.

I learned to leave him to his alone time and not get angry when he felt far away. I learned to be patient during the difficult sessions of trying to get him to eat without purging. We learned to talk to each other about what we were feeling and how we could get through the rough parts together. And every time he got mad at me for staying with someone so broken, I always reassured him that he was the love of my life and nothing could ever take me away from him, not even his brain. He was not broken. I told him that everyday.

Walking down the green forest path I couldn’t help but to think about all this, because she had been right about everything. All the things she said he would go through ended up happening, and then even more. But he's managed to overcome everything so far. It's been rough and very unpretty, but we're here. The darkness had finally started to go away.

It’s been a while since he’s felt right and I feel he’s come so far since then. He never wanted to leave the apartment and the fact that he asked is such a good sign that it makes me excited for him. Even the way he was walking now made me smile from ear to ear. He did so in front of me, taking in every bit of his surroundings, looking at every leaf on the ground and every tree trunk. It was getting close to the golden hour and the low sunlight made everything glow with a beautiful tint of golds and greens.

“Kellin, look.” He said, standing far away from me, and I laughed when he started spinning around in place holding two branches in each one of his hands, his red sweater flapping over his limbs as he turned and turned.

“Watch out or you’ll fall,” I chuckled, smiling widely.

“Come spin with me,” came his reply when he stopped and I shook my head but ran to him nonetheless.

He dropped the branches and took my hands when I reached him and without any warning he spun us around. I started laughing again as the trees blurred around us and I held onto him tightly. I must admit it felt amazing and when we stopped my heart exploded with emotion at the sound of Vic’s laughter. I looked at him and he was smiling as he giggled softly to himself. It was such a small gesture but it meant more than he’ll ever know. I hadn’t seen his beautiful smile in months.

“I feel like a kid again” he said once he calmed down. “It’s like I feel warm and safe all over.”

“Come here,” I closed the distance between us and he let me wrap my arms around his shoulders. “You are warm and safe.” I whispered in his ear. We were almost the same height, so this position was very common for us.

“Yeah, I don’t know...” He shook his head.

“You know what I think,” I continued before he could doubt himself even more. “I think it's time you had a pink cloud summer. You deserve one.”

“Do you mean the pink cloud from therapy?” His tone dull once again, remembering what the doctors had said once about pink clouds being the sign of things getting better.

“More like a literal one,” I smiled. “Look around you.”

And he did. The sky was a mixture of oranges and pinks and lilac clouds around the trees. He gasped as he looked up and another smile formed on his lips making me almost tear up at how beautiful he looked with a smile on his face.

“Kellin…” he said in awe. I was feeling the same way.

“You should stay for a while,” I held him tighter. “That way you’ll see all the colors melt into the dark blue of the night.”

Vic nodded slowly and I pulled away from him and took his hand, guiding us into the forest clearing to our right. I found this spot one time I went for a morning run and ever since then I've wanted to bring Vic here. I knew he would love it and I'm so happy that I finally got to do it. Once we settled I took out the black and white picnic blanket I brought with us and laid it on the grass.

"You came prepared," Vic said and I nodded.

"Well, of course." I sat down and patted the spot beside me. "Come here."

I intended for him to sit down by my side but instead he laid down on the blanket with his head on my lap. I swear my heart leapt in my chest. He looked up at me from his position and I could see a small blush forming on his cheeks. I gave him a smile and leaned down to kiss his temple. I don't think he'll ever understand how much I actually love him.

The clouds above us were still mixing together and he gazed up at them like they were the eight wonder.

"I'd forgotten how much I love sunsets," he said quietly. "Thank you."

I glanced at him and shook my head. "I didn't do anything."

"Yeah, you did." He reached his hands to take mine, slowly rubbing his thumb against my skin. "You stayed with me."

"Hmm, I had nowhere else to go." I joked and he chuckled lightly, staring at our hands.

"I really think it's getting better," he said finally.

"Yeah?" I brushed a stray hair from his face with my other hand and he nodded slowly. "Yeah."

"That's wonderful, Vic." I smiled down at him. "I'm proud of you, you know that?"

He hugged my hand to his chest and closed his eyes nodding.

"You should be proud of yourself too," I continued. "You've come really far."

I played with his hair some more and felt his heart beating under my other hand. When he opened his eyes again I tilted my head to a side because of the look he was giving me.

He stared at me and after a moment said, "I love you, Kellin. I know it barely shows with everything, but I really do."

My heart lit up inside me as his words registered my brain. He hadn't said that he loved me since things turned for the worse and I felt this immense emotion fill me. Not that I ever doubted his feelings for me, but he had other priorities and I completely understood. But this, this was everything. I didn't realize how much needed to hear him say those beautiful words.

"And I love you more than anything, Vic."

He smiled brightly and bashfully. Then sat up and gave me a small peck on the lips. It caught me by surprise and I giggled like an idiot, probably blushing as well. And he did too. We looked at each other and I brushed that lock of his brown hair that always stayed out of place behind his ear.

"You've gone too long without a smile," I said softly. "It really suits you."

He rolled his eyes but kept the smile anyway. "You're a cheeseball." 

I shrugged and grinned. "Maybe. But you love it."

He looked at me with a glint in his eyes and gazing into his brown irises I knew for a fact that he would be just fine.

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(A/n): can I just say that I cried a bit writing this because it hit too close to home 😭 I hope I didn't trigger anyone with this story either because it's such a difficult topic to write about and I was also pretty nervous about doing so and I tried to keep the mentions of triggering stuff super mild

Song fact! This one is one of my favorites by Movements, I've loved this album a lot since it came out and I knew I would end up writing a story around this song one day because of the pink cloud summer bit, sunsets are my literal favorite thing like I scream everytime I see one so it made sense
Also if you don't listen to Movements go asap!! They're so good.

Other fun fact! It's actually pretty sunny and bright today where I live and I'm asddgh, life imitates art.

Anyways, I hope you liked this one and thank you for reading and voting and commenting if you did🖤

See you in the next one!

- g