Summary:

The Khuns are not a competitive family. A Marco was indeed hurt in the making of this series. Pictures are taken and Aguero's arrival may have a less altruistic reason than everyone thinks.

(The camera follows a figure walking inside a room. It’s Khun Aguero Agnis—one could tell it was an Agnis kid by the distinctive hairstyle—in a casual shirt and jeans making his way in the kitchen. He goes to reach for the light switch but something seems to catch his attention.)

“What the fuck?” he whispers. Hachuling, who is holding a bowl of what appears to be cornflakes, shrugs. He is still in his pyjamas. “It’s five in the morning.”

“Yeah.”

“Why are you awake?”

“I usually go to sleep in about an hour.” Aguero stares at him like a madman. Hachuling eats a spoon of cornflakes making the crunchiest sound possible and ‘showing’ everyone that he hasn’t poured any milk. “My sleeping schedule got ruined at the tender age of ten and never recovered.”

Aguero sighed and reached for the lights but before he could, Hachuling grabbed some cornflakes—with his hands—and threw them at him. “I don’t like the light.”

“Fine but you’re making me coffee.”

“Right away.” He says as Aguero takes a seat. The only sound one can hear comes from the coffee machine. Then, the lights are turned on. Maschenny covers her yawn as she looks at her brothers. Hachuling hisses at her like a stray cat seeing a dog. She turns off the lights.

“Want coffee?”

.

(The scene changes and this time there is a clear shot of the entire family having breakfast. Eduan is eating pancakes and drinking something from a flask while Maria and Marco talk near the kitchen counter. Hachuling is laying on top of two chairs wearing a sleeping mask and Ran can be seen eyeing both him and a bottle of water suspiciously. Kiseia and Aguero are both looking at their phones while Maschenny eats in silence.)

“What’s this?” Kiseia says in an annoyed tone and points at Aguero’s phone screen.

“Hm? The hotel I’ll be staying send me some in—”

“What hotel? You aren’t staying at a hotel.” Maria cuts in. Suddenly, all eyes are on him and even Hachuling has awoken from his slumber.

“That’s what I said but he won’t listen,” Ran adds.

“I wouldn’t want to be a burden by staying here.” Aguero tried to explain. A weak excuse if one was to remember how big the mansion was.

“Is it because of the c-a-m-e-r-a-s?” asked Hachuling who apparently believed that neither Lero-ro nor Quant knew how to spell. The rest of the children, minus Aguero, looked at Eduan with pleading eyes. The man sighed.

“You’re forbidden from staying elsewhere.”

“But mum is paying?”

“Yes. With my alimony.”

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MASCHENNY: Living with a bunch of annoying idiots can be hard, so I see where Aguero is coming from, but the house is incredibly big. (she chuckled) One time I managed to avoid Hachuling for an entire month.

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KISEIA: Maybe he wants to bring one night stands over? Oh good god, my room is next to his! (she quickly takes out her phone and starts scrolling) I need to find the hotel’s number and beg them to take him.

.

“Now that this is settled,” Maria began with a sweet smile “since you’ll have free time you should come to work with Maschenny and I.”

Eduan dropped his fork. He had been afraid of this moment. Marco scoffed a bit. “Not a very productive way of spending your day.”—Maria gave him a pointed look—“Wouldn’t it be better if you came to work with me? I mean, you are planning on working in the family business, it will be a good experience.”

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EDUAN: It’s true I am a God among men, but I do have a flaw. (he leans in) I am a bit competitive…and so are the kids.

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MASCHENNY: Nobody knows when the war for Aguero began or why (she pauses) actually I think it’s because he’s more of a cat than a person and cats are great (she claps her hands) anyhow, it’s all harmless fun. For me, at least. After all, I’m obviously his favourite.

.

 “That sounds—”

“Incredibly boring.” Hachuling chimed in before Aguero could finish. He took his sleep mask and put it on Marco. “AA is on vacation, he should have fun. And what’s more fun than helping me pour fifty bottles of Coca Cola in the pool?”

Everyone went silent. Aguero gave him a puzzled look. “Why?”

“You know that mentos experiment?”—Aguero nods—“Imagine it on a much bigger scale.”

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AGUERO: (he buries his face in his hands) T-the carbon dioxide will have already escaped.

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HACHULING: Let's do a poll, yes? If your siblings had the most boring routines in the history of boredom, wouldn’t you too prefer to spend your day with the funniest person in the world who also happens to be featured in most of the ‘vines I still quote to this day’ videos? (he crosses his arms) In conclusion, I’m adorable and the favourite brother.

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MARIA: Obviously I’m against this so-called competition and I love all my siblings equally. (A clip is shown from earlier today when Maria says ‘I would sell Hachuling to Satan for half a corn chip’) But if I wasn’t against it, I do believe I would be Aguero’s favourite.

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EDUAN: The worst part is that they don’t even do it because they love their brother. They just refuse to not be number one in anything. (he chuckles) When Maschenny was four, she actually tried to prove that she’s the firstborn even though Marco was seven.

.

“You are not allowed to do that,” Eduan told Hachuling. He didn’t say the word ‘again’ but anyone who followed Hachuling’s YouTube channel knew of the ‘Video That Must Not Be Named’ which included coke, soda, candy canes, a gingerbread house, tears and much tape and had only lasted four hours before getting banned.

“No, Hachuling has a point,” Kiseia said as Hachuling smiled proudly. She shook her head. “Yeah, no, I mean about the vacation part. You shouldn’t do any work.”

“He wouldn’t work if he hanged out with us,” Maschenny told her.

“Being surrounded by the Princesses should be considered social service.” Ran shot back with a grin “And torture.” Maschenny raised her mug to throw it at Ran but Maria grabbed her before she could. Kiseia high fived him.

“We could skip the first period and saw you around.” Kiseia continued with a sweet smile “Oh! We could prank people like in middle school!”

“Yes!” Aguero said a little too quickly. Eduan shuddered at the memory of having to explain to a bunch of teachers and the headmaster that he did not in fact have quintuplets but rather twins that took after their mother’s evil nature.

“I’m sure you could pull off the twins from the shining.” Hachuling told Kiseia “You’re equally creepy.”

“Why you [beep]—” Kiseia said as she grabbed a butter knife.

“Put the knife down!” Eduan yelled.

Maschenny snorted. “Relax, butter knives don’t really cut.”—Eduan opened his mouth—“Here watch.”

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MARCO: (the camera is zoomed in on his face) SHE STABBED ME (the camera zooms out to show his bandaged hand)

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AGUERO: So, I ended up going with Maschenny and Maria. (he clasped his hands together) Hopefully, there are no knives in the studio.

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MASCHENNY: Stabbing is an overstatement.

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Maschenny returned to the studio with drinks in her hands and nerves. She quietly thanked whatever celestial power existed for not letting Lero-ro come with her to the coffee shop or the camera would have caught her spilling the first bunch of drinks after pushing the coffee’s door instead of pulling. Sure, Bam assured her that she wasn’t the first customer to do that, and wouldn’t be the last, but it didn’t save her the shame. She would give the drinks to everyone and then lock herself in the bathroom, do the Khunning Technique, and call it a day.

Fate, however, had other plans.

“What.” The scenery was simple. Yuri was laughing like a maniac, Lero-ro was trying to get good shots and Maria was taking a picture. Now the notable part of this was the picture itself featuring an ecstatic Maria and a very smug Endorsi doing lifts with Aguero—looking like death itself—in her arms.

“Oh, my love, you came!” Yuri said to her coffee. Maschenny glared.

“What are you doing?”

“Fighting the patriarchy.” Endorsi simply said. Aguero groaned.

“I wanted to take a picture but we had some chairs in the way so we went to move them.” Maria began explaining “So, Endorsi tries to grab three at the same time—”

“And I just asked her if she wanted help!” Aguero cut in letting his head fall back in frustration “So she picked me up with the chairs.”

“The chairs are heavier than you actually,” Endorsi said as she put him down.

“I will fu—”

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(A shot of Maria’s Instagram profile is shown. There are two new pictures. The first one is of her making the peace sign, Endorsi winking and Aguero—still being carried bridal style—giving the camera a defeated smile. The next one shows the three Khun children sharing an embrace. The caption says ‘Hanging with my favourite people’ and below there are three types of comments: 1. People being dramatic about the beauty of everyone 2. bots and 3. Hachuling saying ‘rude’ and Eduan replying ‘+1’)

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(Various clips of Khun Eduan in different rooms are shown. The camera zooms in his face as Hachuling appears in every one of them, sighing loudly. Eduan jumps.)

.

Mentally thanking his past self for buying an unnecessary big house, Khun Eduan stealthily entered one of the living rooms. He looked at every corner of the room—even below the table—and sighed in relief. With a swift move, he removed his oversized coat to reveal a bathrobe and then proceeded to open a drawer and grab a bottle of champagne. Smiling, he laid on the couch and placed two slices of cucumber (that no one could understand where he got) on his eyes.

“Play The Kids Are Out playlist.” Eduan said as the music began playing “But not too loudly.” Like a cat when its owners are missing, he nuzzled in his seat and enjoyed the quiet.

Until the door burst open and someone sighed loudly.

“Damn you!”—Hachuling refused to answer, just sighed even louder and threateningly— “What do you want from me? I already gave you life!”

“My favourite show ended,” Hachuling explained as he sat on the couch. “I have no other things that bring me joy.”

“That’s a bit of an over—”

“No!” he clapped “Other!” and clapped again “Things!”

Eduan thought he ought to be the one asking alimony from his wives for the mental torture he had to endure. He thought his work was meant to be only about food, material needs and education, none of the ‘emotional’ stuff. No wonder Jahad refused to be part of his children’s lives. Eduan took a long sip from the bottle before clearing his throat.

“You know what always makes me feel less depressed?”

.

Ran had spent sixteen years avoiding being traumatized and he was particularly proud of it. However, the lack of traumatization did not mean things were good or even normal. Still, Ran had been so caught up with Aguero’s return that he had time to pretend that everything was normal.

In retrospect, he should have known that something was off as soon as he got inside the house and listened to the chorus of All-Star. Ran, a known luck pusher, searched the house for the culprit(s) for about ten minutes before he opened the door to the guest room. There he saw Hachuling, his dad (and Quant!) sitting in a hot tub while drinking margaritas.

“You’re home early!” Eduan smiled.

The moment the first notes of Never Gonna Give You Up began playing, Ran closed the door.

.

“Do we have to do this?” Kiseia asked as she entered the studio. Ran trailed behind her equally unamused. Some steps in front of her stood Hachuling filming everything he could with their dad making many inappropriate gestures at every framed picture that showed one of Jahad’s photoshoots.

Marco pulled away from his phone and sighed. “Unfortunately, Han sung wants the promotional pictures to include all of us.”

“Fear not,” Maschenny shouted as she approached the family. Aguero and Maria only a few steps behind her. “The spotlight will mostly focus on me.”

“So, how did you name that high horse of yours?” Ran asked. Maschenny flipped him off.

.

“It’s been three hours,” Hachuling whined as he fell on top of Marco. The other one flicked his wrist to get a look at his watch.

“Three minutes.”

“Feels like a century!” Hachuling continued “When is the photographer coming?”

Maschenny checked her phone. “He’ll be here any minute now.” She turned towards Quant “I haven’t heard of him, is he any good?”

“FUG only hires the best,” Quant said proudly. Maria smiled politely and nudged Maschenny’s shoulder.

“We don’t doubt it!”

“I doubt it,” Maschenny said quietly “what kind of name is Shibisu?”

Aguero began coughing violently as if he was chocking. Hachuling began hitting his brother’s back in the least helpful way possible. No surprise he had failed his First Aid class.

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AGUERO: Quick question, Shibisu is a very common name, right?

.

“Khun! My love!” someone announced loudly. Everyone turned to see a man—the photographer—making his way towards them. Maschenny and Ran groaned as Kiseia, Marco and Maria stared at him horrified. Hachuling slapped Eduan’s arm. “Please tell me he was of legal age.”

“I have never met this man in my life!” Eduan said before quickly adding “Could you please turn around?”—Shibisu, despite his confusion, made a turn—“I have never seen this [beep] in my life!”

“It’s true, I don’t know him.” Shibisu says “I mean, I do, because it’s Khun Eduan and I’m not living under a rock—”

“Shibisu is an acquaintance of mine,” Aguero explained. Shibisu glared. “Friend. He is a friend.”

“And a father.”

“No.”

“For the love of all that’s holy, I do not want to know of your daddy kink.” Maschenny cut in.

“Ah, no, we do not have that kind of relationship. Khun is sort of pin—”

“Sorry to interrupt, you’re friends from school right?” Kiseia asked.

Shibisu nodded. “I’m one year older.”

“Perfect. Do you have pictures and videos I can use as blackmail?” Before Shibisu could reply, Aguero shoved Kiseia in the back and glared at him.

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KISEIA: Shibisu actually handed me his email in a napkin so (she flipped off the camera)

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“It’s great seeing you, I didn’t know you’d be here. You should have called! Or messaged! God, didn’t we talk a week ago? Why did—”

“It was an impulsive decision,” Aguero said with a smile, his tone hesitant.

“Well, did you come with Ba—”

“Bar,” Aguero replied quickly. “We should go to a bar and catch up. Amazing idea. Will do it for sure. Oh, but would you look at the time, we should probably get started with the photo shoot!”

“God, we’ll need so much coffee,” Maschenny mumbled and took out her phone.

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AGUERO: No comment.

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(A photo is shown with the family in a pink convertible. Marco is ‘driving’ with Maschenny riding shotgun drinking an actual martini. Although the fans do argue about whether it’s real or not. Kiseia, Aguero and Maria squeeze in the back with Ran laying on top of them. Hachuling is sitting on top of the trunk trying to push off Eduan who is next to him.)

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(Another photo is shown with Maschenny and Maria both dressed in excessive gowns. Maria is leaning against a Victorian mirror as Maschenny uses a pair of red heart-shaped glasses to ‘apply’ lipstick.)

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(The third picture of the photoshoot shows the Agnis twins posing next to each other. They’re both wearing tuxes and though Aguero will take it to his grave, Kiseia pulls it off better.)

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(Next, there is a picture of Ran ‘dining’ in a fancy restaurant with Hachuling and Marco as annoyed waiters.)

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(Out of all the pictures taken, the best is off Khun Eduan wearing only a pair of red boxers and standing upside down on a stripping pole. His own idea.)

.

“Okay, for this next one, I need you to pick up the girls.”

“I’m sorry but Ran can’t even hold himself,” Maschenny said and approached Shibisu. She leaned in and whispered something. Shibisu’s eyes lighted up.

“Do it!”

“Excellent!” Maschenny said amused “Dad and Marco, you take Kiseia. Hachuling and Aguero, Maria.”

The groups formed fast despite Kiseia’s threats regarding brutal murder if either Eduan or Marco dropped her. Ran chuckled at the whole ordeal, pleased that he didn’t have to participate. That is until Maschenny picked him up bridal style.

“What the [bleep]?”

“We’re getting it framed.” Maschenny said, “Maybe if I pull some strings, we can get it on your yearbook too!”

“I will choke you with your shoelaces!”

“I will gladly change places with you,” Hachuling said as he tried to stabilize Maria “this is torture for my hands.”

Maria glared at him. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“He’s calling you fat!” Eduan shouted.

“He’s not,” Marco argued, “he just has noodle arms.”

“I do not!”

“Oh? So, you are saying I’m fat!”

“Okay, you all need to calm down.” Aguero told them “The more behaved we are, the sooner this will be over.”

“Coffee’s here!” Maria shouted, ignoring Aguero’s ‘let's do this quickly’ attitude.

(The camera turns around to show Bam approaching with a bunch of coffee cups. A loud screech is heard—or perhaps a ‘shit’—and then a thud. The camera doesn’t show what has happened and instead remains zoomed in Bam’s face. His customer smile replaced by shock and then by worry.)

“Aguero!” Bam says as the camera turns. Aguero, Maria and Hachuling are all laying on the floor after Aguero dropped Maria who in return took Hachuling with her as she fell. Luckily none of them are hurt although Aguero looks like he’s on the verge of dying.

“Why do you know everyone here?” Kiseia mumbles mostly to herself.

“Bam, um, hi, I didn’t,” he cleared his throat “hi.”

“You already said that.” Ran told him, not bothering to whisper. Maschenny shushed him.

“You two know each other?”

“They do!” Shibisu exclaimed happily as the two boys blushed. Aguero smiled and tried to regain his composure while stepping next to Bam and helping him with the cups.

“Bam is,” he paused as he looked at him “my best friend.”

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HACHULING: (tapping his feet) Two bros chillin’ in a photoshoot (claps his hands to the rhythm) one foot apart cause they’re not gay.

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“You didn’t tell me you were coming here.”

“Yeah, um, my family invited me,” Aguero said before realizing that he probably shouldn’t have lied while there is a camera filming his life. “And you’re also here so,”

“Oh.”

Okay, maybe he should not be that honest either.

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KISEIA: It’s true. You can’t look away from a trainwreck.

.

“Do you want, I mean, after you’re done, we could, um, go for a walk?” Bam asked, “Show you around?”

Now, the thing was, Aguero was not a stranger to the city and in fact, he probably knew more places than Bam did. Still, he found himself saying ‘yes’ before even a second passed.

“Oh, you can go, now. We’re done.” Shibisu said with a smile “I still need some pictures of Maschenny and Maria as the faces of Jahad but the rest of you are free to go.”

As Bam and Aguero walked forward, Lero-ro got ready to follow them. Maria, seeing that, nudged Maschenny’s shoulder. The older Khun girl mouthed a sorry to Quant and turned to Eduan.

“Hey dad, I was talking with Lero-ro about the picture you took.”

“I’m flattered, but he’s not my type.”

“No, no, he actually said red isn’t the right colour for you.”

No one understands how quickly it happened but one moment Eduan is standing next to Maschenny and the other he’s chasing down Lero-ro with a stool in his hands yelling “Red brings out my eyes, you prick!”

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(A YouTube video titled ‘My New Career Part 2’ is shown. Hachuling is standing in the middle of his room waving. “Hello, everyone, as you can guess this is the unofficial sequel to ‘Mum Vine doesn’t pay the bill’ and it will follow me as I give up on YouTube to follow a better career path.” He smirked “I’m going to become a singer! In fact, you, my lovely subscriber, will have the honour to hear my first out of many hits. Enjoy!”

The scene changes as Hachuling stands in a yard. “This is dedicated to my dear brother who came back for his family and only his family.” He hums a melody for a few seconds and then starts singing. “Why the fuck you lyin’? Why you always lyin’?” as Hachuling dances awfully, Kiseia can be seen spotting him in the back. She smirks and walks towards the watering system.

“Oh my God, stop fuckin lyin.”

The sprinklers go off.)