You had to do it. You had to ignore the memories.

Your father trusted you. You needed to do the deed, you weren't that child anymore who had found a friend from a boy you tricked.

You were now both monsters in Ketterdam. And one of you had to go, the city wasn't big enough for both of you.

So why it was so fucking difficult?

You had set your mind on it. Looked for ways to trap Kaz, trick him, snatch a weapon and hide it inside your clothes. But now, looking at Kaz made you think about that.

That little game you had played with Kaz.

The one with those old buttons and a wooden board, you couldn't remember how the game went, but Kaz had taught it to you. You frowned, why did any of this matter? You had a mission, and you needed to proceed with it.

You followed Kaz through the hallways. your eyes fixed forward but your thoughts swam in your long-forgotten memories. You knew your steps probably echoed through the hallway as you marched forward, but you could only hear little Kaz's laughter as you sat together on the floor, playing.

He stopped abruptly as you reached the party, making you collide with his back. He turned slightly, glaring at you. "Watch it."

You stepped back, clasping your hands behind your back. "Sorry."

He clenched his jaw, leaning towards you slightly. "We'll get uniforms for Inej and Arken next, but we need a reason to visit the laundry room."

You narrowed your eyes, trying to think. "One of us will distract the others, and in the meantime the other slips there?"

He shook his head. "No, we need to have an actual reason to visit there."

His gaze swept over the room, people going by you, giggling and swaying, having drank just a little too much.

"What about–" you started, but Kaz held up his hand.

"Wait here."

He started walking again, and soon disappeared around the corner. You closed your eyes, grimacing.

Focus, damn it. Neither of you weren't children anymore, your personal feelings about what had been and what could have been if things were different didn't matter anymore. You were the Blood Princess. Failing your mission because of having second thoughts wasn't an option.

But you couldn't help but think about all those moments you could have killed Kaz, and didn't take the opportunity. As if that little girl in a silk dress would have cried out without you knowing it was her, telling you not to do it.

You thought you were stronger than her by now. She was your past, but wasn't your present nor your future.

Right?

You stood in place for quite some time, staring forward, trying to look like you're keeping an eye on the guests. But as time just kept going by, you decided it was better to move than just stand there, and turned the corner. Two Grisha fed each other muffins near you and laughed, people swayed from side to side, taking support from the walls. It was a big party, that much was clear. A party to show off the Sun Summoner.

Allegedly, Kaz's voice reminded you in your head.

"Damn you, Kaz, where are you again?" you muttered, cursing some more under your breath. You knew that making your way deeper into the party could be risky, you could get lost. Be left here while others fled with the Sun Summoner. You had no doubts they'd leave you here — maybe Inej would object a little, seeing you had been no harm so far. It was strange, you had a feeling she had gone through a lot and hadn't spoken to you directly at all, but she was the only one who didn't glare at you with distrust.

Then, like on cue, you felt a hand on your shoulder and turned around to see Inej.

Of course he went without you.

You stared at each other for a moment, not speaking, before she nodded towards the party and you started walking there together, side by side. After a moment, Inej stopped and you saw Kaz standing there, staring at the stage where the Sun Summoner stood with General Kirigan. A young girl, a shu. You had to admit that you didn't expect either of those things. Kaz leaned towards the two of you.

"Lights create an illusion of moving light. One of the Infernis is hiding somewhere, helping it look real — a perfect illusion. People so desperately need someone who could finally make the Fold disappear that they'll believe anything. A skillfully placed trick of light and dark, it will fool everyone here," Kaz muttered, causing Inej to glare at him and walk away. Kaz looked after her for a moment and then his eyes briefly flickered to you. "Stay close. I want to keep an eye on you."

You huffed. "What exactly are you thinking I'd manage to do, all alone?"

He was quiet for a moment, watching as Kirigan made his theatrical speech and made the room go dark. And just before the chatter in the room got silenced, he muttered, "I still wouldn't put any chances past any Rollins. You should know that by now."

You rolled your eyes at that. Nothing hadn't changed, or then Kaz tried to suppress it, desperate to hate you, whatever you did. Why does he drag me along, then, you wondered, stealing a glance on Kaz. Does he feel the familiarity too?

You sighed and focused on watching the show.

General Kirigan clapped his hands once, and the room got engulfed in shadow and darkness. You couldn't see a thing, and it made the hairs on your arms stand up. Just for a moment, you expected to hear screams of terror, it being a trap.

But then, a light illuminated the whole room. A small light ball, looking like a small sun, floated in the air, illuminating the girl's face. You frowned, wondering if Kaz saw any trickery. Because you sure didn't, the light came from her, no doubt about that.

The show only lasted for about a minute, and immediately after it, Kaz gestured for Inej to join you again.

"We are going to tell her that she's been requested to join dinner, and walk her there. But we will instead take her outside and stuff her into the trunk before anyone sees anything," he explained, glancing back at the Sun Summoner as she was led away.

"She's real," Inej whispered. "What if..."

He interrupted her harshly, "We will carry on with the plan, otherwise..."

He fell silent, swallowing. You frowned, he was hiding something. Could be useful. If you even had the guts to carry on with the plan anymore.

You shook your head, suppressing a scoff at yourself. Of course you had the guts. You had to have.

But that damn little girl inside you kept trying to plead otherwise, and she was increasingly hard to ignore. She was your past, you tried to remind yourself. Your friendship with Kaz was your past. And you highly doubted Kaz would feel otherwise if you told him who you really were. He definitely wouldn't cry out your name and rush to hug you, he'd probably look at you for a moment, not caring about it, scoffing a question about if you think it has any importance for the mission. He'd be cold, distanced about it. Or maybe him finding out about it could make him hate you more — even his best friend had actually been against him.

And after thinking about those possible scenarios, you obviously didn't want to find out if your guesses were the truth. And you knew it, Kaz would never get to find out who you really were, how you had first met. It would ruin too many things. He would be left to think you met each other years later, when your childish features had melted away, and adulthood and years of hardening yourselves had taken over.

Kaz nodded his head towards the hallway where the Sun Summoner was walking, and you marched to meet her.

"Miss Starkov," Kaz stated, staring down at her. "We've been ordered to walk you to dinner."

She frowned, turning to look behind her. "But I thought..." She then looked between the three of you and smiled. "Well, actually I am getting hungry."

You stepped aside as Kaz gestured for her to step in front of you, and you slowly began walking behind her. But you didn't even get to walk for ten seconds before General Kirigan himself appeared from behind the corner, standing in front of you.

He smiled at you, then at her. "Thank you. I'll take her from here."

You watched as the General gave her flowers and let her take his arm, and Kaz took in a deep breath. "Alright, plan B. We'll go–" he started, but at that moment you caught an Inferni staring at you from the crowd. "Scratch that, plan F. We'll distract that Inferni and meet at the front yard."

You separated from each other on that moment and as soon as you had blended into the crowd, you looked back. The Inferni was marching the way Kaz had gone, and there was no doubt on what he was going to do. You looked towards the exit, then back at the hallway, seeing the Inferni turn the corner.

He would kill Kaz, you knew it. It wouldn't be you who did it, but it would do the job anyway. You knew your father would be glad about it as long as he would die and not meddle with his plans anymore. The way how he would die didn't matter.

You could just... leave him. And trust the Inferni does the job for you.

But, before you could even look towards the exit again, your legs were taking you towards the direction Kaz and the Inferni were going.

As you reached the end of the hallway, you peeked into the room, which was a small chapel. You saw the Inferni walking on benches, summoning fire into his hand, and you felt your heart pounding faster. You closed your eyes for a moment and sucked in a breath, before you entered the chapel and ducked behind the benches, slowly making your way to the front of the chapel as you heard the Inferni rant about spiders. You didn't really concentrate on his words, blood was rushing in your ears, adrenaline pounding in your body. You hadn't sneaked around like this and played with death for a long time, you knew that if anyone saw you crawling there, you would be turned into ash in seconds.

Suddenly, as you had reached the front altar, you heard a whack and froze before carefully peeking up. Kaz stood above the Inferni, holding him down with his good leg.

"Unlike spiders, I only need one good leg. However, you..." he growled and slammed the heavy pillar on the Inferni's shoulder and continued, "look like you need both hands."

He then knocked the Inferni out and let out a breath, before he started limping towards where he came from. You were just about to catch up to him and brace to hear his scolds about following him, but then the Inferni suddenly stood up and grabbed a fireball from the candles next to him.

Your eyes widened, blood rushed in your ears again, and everything slowed down. Without thinking it much, you grabbed a quill from the altar and charged at the Inferni, he turned around just in time to see you before you showed the quill into his neck. He howled in pain, before grabbing your arm, burning through your costume. You screamed, feeling the costume melt into your skin, but you refused to let go, just pushing the quill further into his neck, twisting it to line it up with his neck artery before pulling it out and stabbing again.

Blood began rushing out, splattering onto your face and the Inferni's eyes widened, before he started gurgling out blood. You smirked, feeling his grip on your forearm loosen as life began to dim in his eyes.

You leaned in, whispering, "I'd tell you to not mess up with my people if you would be left alive. But sadly, your story ends worse than just a nasty scar."

In moments, the Inferni went limp and fell onto the floor, coughing out blood and you pulled the quill out, letting the blood drain out faster.

Kaz stared at you, and you looked up, wiping your blood-stained cheek, sighing. "Shall we go?"

Kaz nodded and glanced up as Inej jumped down. She took a long look at you before you three made your way towards the back. You glanced at the entrance of the chapel as you heard shouts, by no doubt other guards coming to check what was the noise from the chapel, and they'd find that body and a massive manhunt would be rung out. After a set of narrow hallways, you made it to the back door and were finally out.

Kaz seemed to spot Jesper first, who looked at the carriage and shaking, as if he was sobbing or... laughing? You quickened your steps towards him, before he turned. He looked at you and Kaz looking disheveled, the blood on your cheek, and frowned. "Is everything alright?"

Inej breathed out. "She's real, Jesper. She made the light sing."

Kaz scowled, looking up. "We lost her."

Jesper laughed. "Did we?"

You all frowned at him, but Jesper just started walking towards the carriage. Kaz called out, "Jesper?"

"Just ask."

They got up, and Jesper looked at Kaz again. "Just ask."

Kaz scoffed. "Fine. Do we know the location of our target?"

Jesper smirked, and almost gave the horses an order to start moving, but then you cleared your throat. "Oh. Sorry, love, no space up here. You'll need to go back to the carriage. But it's mostly a nice thing, you can take a nap, the seats are really soft, seeing that–"

"Figured," you mumbled and climbed into the carriage. Secretly, you were relieved that you got to be alone and as you sat down, you cleaned your face into your cloak and glanced at your burn. It was numb, indicating nerve damage. Nothing you could do about it now. As soon as the carriage started moving, you pressed your face into your hands, rubbing your temples.

What on earth had gotten into you? That was a perfect opportunity, a perfect way to get the job done, and you blew it. Because of that little girl inside you, who apparently still thought you could still befriend Kaz. Or more — he had been your first, and to this day only, crush as well, which had greatly annoyed your father. Any romantic feelings hadn't been awakened in you.. Or at least... you wanted to believe so.

You slapped yourself, get it together, you're the Blood Princess, for fuck's sake. You lifted your eyes to look at the roof, before you laid your head against the headrest. Maybe Jesper's suggestion was a good one, maybe a nap would clear your head. You hadn't slept at all after that night at that motel with Kaz, maybe that was the reason why you had such foolish thoughts?

You closed your eyes, letting a semblance of sleep claim you, and only hope you'd have new determination for your mission, or whatever you'd do, or need to go through, when you'd wake up.