Book Title: Knight's Nightshade

Review: Payment

Prologue, Chapter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

Prologue:

The prologue was enticing, exciting, it started with a BANG. I don't have a clue what's going on and that's what prologue's are for, to make us go HUH??? One moment she's taking on her mother's murderer the next he's dead and she's working with someone... someone suspicious hm. What is the family portrait about? WHO are they? Who is the shooter and why does she address him as shooter aha? They seem cozy, but yet she's withholding his identity. Not cool! :( What storm is brewing? GAH I'm so confused!  (in a good way)

Okay, mistakes. A few, not a lot. Just some misspellings here and there that I pointed out. However, you've made a big mistake a couple of times.

Tense switching! 

Ah!!!!

It's one of my absolute pet hates. 

The chapter is written in present tense, but you switched to past a few times. 

Examples:

"At least tell me why?" I demanded. <should be "demand"

the venomous reply spat at me.  < should be "spits"

"This was never your fight," I said. < should be "says"

Watch out for those! They're really easy to mix up, luckily I have a good eye. I'd suggest using "says" a little more in your dialogues, just so we know for certain who is speaking, because you seem to follow dialogues with an action. 

"I say" "he says" < it just clears things up better.

I love the detail in your writing, your descriptions are so haunting and imaginative, very well done with them, made me easily imagine the scene and feel like I was there. My head is going to explode if I keep pondering the possibilities of what is happening, must read on!

Chapter 1

Oh long chapters :/ I'm not a fan. I'll have to bring out the warrior side of me to get through these aha 

Don't forget that the first chapter is the hook for your readers, to get them acquainted with the characters and the plot, having it too long and split by many different time settings may be over-bearing for readers. I would have left it when she was leaving, instead of having "24 hours" in there. If it's a day later, make it chapter 2?

Okay, the beginning. The dream. I liked the dream, and I thought it was relevant to what Skylar has been through and what weighs on her mind, especially her subconscious. However, she wouldn't refer to her mother as "mommy" in her thoughts. Yes, she's dreaming of herself as a child, but she's an adult now and she wouldn't call her "mommy" even in her dreams, she would call her mother. The child would call her mommy in DIALOGUE, but not in Skylar's thoughts, because she's in present day dreaming of it. If that makes sense?

It's like me having a dream now and I'm suddenly thinking like a child again and I can't tell the difference between my child brain and my adult brain. It just doesn't happen, the subconscious doesn't let it happen. If Skylar's dreaming of herself as a child, she would just describe what the child is going through, she wouldn't BE the child.

Okay, so, she's on her way somewhere because of the dream, to finish it. I'm guessing this is leading up to the prologue, maybe? She's going to find her mother's killer. 

I'm confused because you put "24 hours later" and then "present time." You don't need to tell us that it's present time. 24 hours later IS present time.

Again, it's split. This chapter doesn't go together with all the time jumps, if I was the author, I'd be on the third chapter by now. It's too long for a first chapter. 

Please watch out for the tense switches! Stick to past or present lol if you write a chapter in present tense and then you suddenly change to past, all your readers are going to think that you're writing in a memory and then get confused by what's going on.

said, demanded, assured, watched, ran = past

says, demand, assures, walks, watches = present

etc..  make sure it's only in one tense.

Try to include punctuation where necessary, some lines or dialogues are missing punctuation. 

Some parts are hard to read because of the tense switches and the dialogue tag errors. But I think you've done a really good job with the story. The mystery is there, the thrill is there, the excitement is there. I'm not 100% certain what's still going on aha just make it a little more clearer in her thoughts what is happening.

I'm enjoying it :-)

Chapter 2

Okay, I'm really confused, and it's making me really agitated while I'm reading it. There's no back story to any of these characters or the situation. There's no thoughts, no past, no actual clue as to what is happening. It's like I'm reading a book half way through. You need to INTRODUCE them. You need to build up to these sort of parts, I just don't know what to think because I don't get it? If that makes sense.

Who is Cayden? Is he a policeman? Agent? Security guard? Who is Rachel? His girl friend, his sister, his friend? Just include more details lol

I'm guessing the person on the CCTV is Skylar? So she's in the city, doing what? Murdering people? I don't know if I missed something in the last chapter, but there was so much to read I might have forgotten. 

Thank you for making this shorter, but I'm still trying to piece it all together. Hopefully chapter 3 clears some things up aha

Chapter 3

Okay, woo! There's back story for Cayden! I understand a little more now aha 

This chapter was a lot better! It flowed great, the detail was great and the scene with the dinner was very amusing. So Skylar's returned home it seems, to her father. Strange that Daniel had never mentioned it to Cayden, he seems close to the family. I'm really intrigued by this and what Skylar's intentions are, who she is. 

I like how Skylar's presence is a tad unwelcome in the household, as Lara said she causes "trouble." Where did she run away from? What is she there for? Does she have an agenda? Looks like Cayden already suspects her aha! 

It's progressing well, but there are still mistakes. Just be careful with your dialogues, try to include more of "he says" "she says" instead of cramming the dialogue with paragraphs/actions. And make sure you're including punctuation at the end of sentences. Some sentences are still missing full stops. 

This chapter was pretty much written in past tense. Yet, the prologue and first chapter was written in present. Please edit the tense switches. You can't use both.

It's coming together to be a really good and enjoyable story, I'm hoping we go back to Skylar's POV next so I can know more about her. 

Chapter 4

Good chapter! I really enjoyed being in Skylar's mind and taking in her perception of Cayden. Someone has a crush it seems! Too bad he's there to ask her sister out, awkward. I think the information dump on the night before was a little too much. We don't need to know every detail of what happened when we already experienced it in the chapter before. Just try to include her thoughts on it, but we don't need a step by step of everything we already know and saw. 

The dynamic with the family situation is very interesting. She doesn't really view her family as family, it's like she's using them as a cover. And the ending has me baffled. Evelyn thinks Skylar chose to leave, but Skylar is hinting she didn't have a choice?

Did her father send her somewhere? The place where Nova is? A training camp? This is all very mysterious and I'm becoming more and more raveled up in their lives and the story. I still want to know what her agenda is and how Cayden plays a part in that. 

I think, grammar mistakes aside, you've written this very well. It can do with a little editing, mainly the dialogue, again just try to keep the dialogue to lines instead of paragraphs, just a simple:

"Because I do what I want," I said.

"I am here to ask Evelyn out on a date," he said. 

^ doing dialogue by lines is much more powerful. Try to include it more. 

Your writing style in general feels professional and detailed. I think you're a talented author in the making, the story teller side of you is bright and bold, and that's what I love to read. 

Chapter 5

Holy moly!!!! I did NOT expect that from Cayden. Not only is he a back street fighter but he's also a criminal? Using his empire for illegal business! Woah! I loved the back story in this chapter, getting to know more about his dodgy life. He comes across as a gentleman, but he's got this bad boy essence about him that is really unexpected. 

I loved the little tension between him and his "nemesis" Frost. They fight each other but just left it at some small digs this time aha 

In all honesty, this isn't my kind of book, but I'm enjoying it. It has potential, that's for sure. Your writing is amazing in some parts. The pace and the flow is perfect and there's a good balance between dialogue and thoughts.

BUT the dialogue. That's where most authors struggle, and it really shows. You're missing punctuation at the end of your speech marks! Periods, commas, exclamation marks, where they at???

Grammar, girl!

Make sure you're including punctuation at the end of sentences, otherwise it just becomes confusing. 

Again, write dialogues on their own! It's the difference between professional and amateur. Example:

"Well, look who finally decided to grace us with their presence," a sudden, familiar voice said.

Just on its own. No: he suddenly smiled, I did this etc... tone down the actions and just write who is speaking. It makes it flow more better.

The world you have created is very suspenseful and intriguing. And Cayden and Skylar I'm sure will make a good team when they each learn of the other's secrets. 

I love Skylar's personality. I like her wittiness and her "I don't care" attitude. But just try and show it a bit more. I'm beginning to piece it together bit by bit now and it's less confusing so that's good. 

You as an author, I can tell is very skilled. The vocabulary you use is excellent and you set the scene amazingly. Just work on the dialogue and your character development through them. 

Overall Rating: 6/10

Recommended: Yes