Book Title: The King and the War Dancer

Review: Payment

Chapter 1 and 2 previously critiqued.

WARNING: Critique contains some adult themes.

Chapter 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

Chapter 3

Well... um... lol. 

I don't really know what to say to that. 

Um.

Move over E.L James?!

As you can imagine, I don't really get the chance to critique scenes like that and chapters like that. So it was different, fresh and bloody HOT to read. 

You didn't hold back, you just let it out. The detail was fricken savage. I felt like I was experiencing her first time with her: the heat, the passion, the exploring of each other's bodies and needs, it was heart-pounding. The King is brutal, and I'm not yet sure if it's in a good way. 

I mean, I know Ntami consented to the sex, but I still can't help but think would he rape her if she didn't? I also know that she would kill him in a heartbeat if he tried that, but I just mean it as a hypothetical question, like I genuinely think he would try to rape her.

I guess this is what this kind of world is about. Kings seem to think they can have whoever they want in their beds, and can treat people however they want. 

So, was getting to his chamber her plan all along? Not the dance from the carpet roll, but this was her moment to kill him? 

And she didn't? 

I like how she deviated. She got so caught up in her sexual experience that she forgot her entire reason for being there. That was so interesting! She wanted it! He must be really good in bed to prolong her murder plan haha 

Will she regret it though? We shall see!

Very good writing, as always, your descriptions blow me away. I can never get tired of reading your choice of words, you just know how to write the perfect sentence. 

Chapter 4

Another great chapter! I love the unpredictability, I think I've mentioned that before with one of your critiques. I genuinely don't have a clue what's about to happen! I thought she was going in for round two, I didn't expect her to poison him, shit!!!

And he just seemed so calm about it LOL I know the King is evil and (possibly) a sex pest, but he is so funny. His lines just kill me. So do Ntami's. Their wittiness and sarcasm compliment each other hilariously. 

The King was really brave, and also stupid, to allow someone he's accused of being an "assassin" to share a bed with him. I bet he slept with one eye open aha 

And OMG, when she couldn't stand up and she fell over!! I haven't laughed that much in a while, I actually had a similar situation once, I feel her pain. (over sharing? meh)

"Can I taste you again?" was the line of the chapter. Haha!

The ending was so suspenseful! She literally spend an entire DAY in that room, just waiting for news that the King had croaked it? God, I'd be so bored. 

Maybe she developed it wrong? Maybe he's immune to it? Is killing him really worth her execution? 

Interesting!

I have nothing to critique bad about it. I enjoyed it a little too much. The two of them together is so fascinating to watch. They're mean to each other, but yet they shared the greatest passion there is. It's cool how that can happen. How hate can transpire into hotness o.0

I can't help but feel like feelings are going to develop. I mean, she's human after all, right? Possibly ;-)

Chapter 5

Well it starts off really calm and slow. I'm getting a feeling that Ntami isn't welcome at court, and she really doesn't care what the women say about her aha 

Then. THEN. I haven't laughed this much in ages! 

I don't know what was so hilarious at the fact that she was so frustrated that all her ways to kill him had failed but it was HYSTERICAL. It reminded me of Debbie's attempts to kill Uncle Fester in the Adams Family, and her frustration that he kept surviving them. LOL! I was already laughing when she was explaining that she had tried to kill him at every single visit, but then when she started listing the ways she had tried to do it, I was gone! Literally gone. That lantern explosion broke me.

Did you intend for that to be funny? I'm really sorry if you didn't! Haha!

You wrote it so brilliantly. From start to finish, count me hooked. 

There were some errors. Mainly with dialogue, they keep popping up here and there. Remember same line for same speaker, new line for new speaker. Don't write the same speaker in different paragraphs, put it together. 

Ntami and the King are an epic combination! They just bounce off each other. When they insult each other, it's almost like it's banter (like a married couple) and not two people that hate each other. I think she's warming to him. 

The ending was a lot more serious, the palace might be under attack?! Omg, that escalated! Will the King protect her? Will she protect him?

THREE MONTHS?????

How has Ntami not lost her mind? 

I really enjoyed her explanation into the curse. As much as the King dismisses it, I believe it 100%. 

I've said it before, I'll say it again, your writing is bloody incredible. I imagine everything so clearly, you set the scene well, you pace it well, you don't go into boring over-load of dialogue. And I admire that you know when to end your chapters, and not to drag them out. Each chapter ends with a hooking cliff hanger. 

I think it can be edited with the dialogue grammar a little more, and just run through some quick spelling mistakes that I pointed out. But that business aside, the plot is so unique and put together amazingly.

You have one creative mind!

Chapter 6

This chapter gave me so many emotions. The first was confusion, because where the hell did Boyar even come from? Lol. Was he just hiding away underground waiting for the opportunity for his brother to leave so he could surface?

Why are all the guards following his orders? Are they both Kings? Or has Enrik left him in charge? I just don't understand why all the guards would be turning against Enrik while he's away, there can only be one king, right?

Then I was angry. Angry at Boyar and the way he, like his brother, just thinks he can do whatever he wants to women because he's in a position of power. Ntami was stupid to stand up to him, of course he'd retaliate.

Then anger became rage at the almost-rape scene. When he kept hitting her and hurting her, I was rooting for her to do her "thing" and defend herself. I didn't think it'd come! I was holding my breath thinking "this guy is going to genuinely rape her."

Then the ending happened. And I'm not sure how it happened. 

You didn't explain it well. You described that Boyar was having breathing difficulties and clutching his chest, but I wanted something from Ntami's thoughts to clear up what she actually did. 

She had "bloody fingernails" so did she scratch at his chest? Did she poison him with something from her fingers? 

I don't know if you left that out on purpose or not, but I'm just like "huh?"

I mean, I'm glad he's dead! I'm so glad he's dead. He deserved it. But I'm just wondering how o.0

There were a few mistakes in this chapter, so just give it a read over to fix the grammar and spelling errors. 

How will Ntami conceal the body? :-O

Chapter 7

Okay, to be honest, I didn't really understand much in this chapter. I'm not really big on historical fiction or war strategy and the name-droppings became a little confusing. I think the chapter itself is great, and the twist where Enrik stabbed the Ottoman's neck was awesome! But because I don't understand this kind of thing it was hard for me to critique it? If that makes sense o.0

I'm not really a fan of battles and so I couldn't quite grasp what they were getting at. There were so many names dropped into the ending that I had no clue who was who and what they were talking about. As a reader, that was really over-whelming. And it's why I don't read historical fiction aha 

For readers that do love these type of genres, they'd find it brilliant and thrilling, as your writing is incredible. But for me, it was too fast-paced and the dialogue about Ungary or something was what confused me further.

I just think that these type of names and events should be explained and introduced in detail by thought processes and not dialogue. Dropping all this on us when we're still getting used to the Ottoman's army was a lot. 

Needless to say, your talent still shines and your wonderful detail is one to be envied. I just love your vocabulary, and I love your writing style. But unfortunately in these critiques, I do have to be biased, and I didn't enjoy the chapter as much as I wanted to.

Chapter 8

Woah!!!!!!!! I kind of suspected she'd be pregnant, but I didn't expect her to be so far along when he returned. The chapter was good, I can't believe it's the final chapter. You weren't kidding when you labeled it as short story aha

Some things were a little cringy. Like his speech of devotion to her, that's kind of something I've heard in many other books and it didn't have that originality to it, in my opinion. Maybe it's because I don't like it when people confess their feelings in one go aha it feels more realistic and emotional when it's spaced out and brought out slowly. 

However, I'm glad that she smiled at the end, after all that hate and arguing and her [very funny] attempts to kill him, for once she smiled at him! Enrik isn't as bad as I thought, he's actually quite a sweetheart. And I admire that he's trying to free his people from slavery and oppression, while other King's would just sit back and not care. 

This was such a wonderful story. The imagination is goals, and the plot itself is alluring and kept me on my toes. Not only did I laugh (and I REALLY laughed) but I also held my breath in shock, clamped my fists in rage, and I was there in the story from start to finish. 

There were errors, many errors. You need to work on your dialogue grammar and some of your phrasing. There's just something about the dialogue that doesn't match your talent at description. But that can be edited and made better so I'm not worried. 

I really connected to Ntami's character and I thought she was a feisty, intelligent, beautiful, strong woman who could command the world to her feet. What I would have loved to see more of, is her people. The "desert" people, and to explore their world and where she comes from a little more.

The ending is so abrupt! Do they live argumentatively ever after? Do they get married? Is their child a legitimate heir? Do the desert people come for her? Who knows!! Maybe we'll never know, and that's why I loved the ending, we can make our own minds up about it.

Some things confused me, some things were as clear as day to me, and some things were so spectacular that I had to keep re-reading the same paragraph to experience it again. 

You are a talented, brilliant and creative author with a lot to give. 

Thank you for letting me critique your books and I wish you the very best for the future!

Overall Rating: 8.5/10

[edit those errors!]

Recommended: Yes, duh, read!