Book Title: One Summer

Review: Payment 

Warning: Blunt. No lies, no sugar-coating, please listen.

Chapter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

Chapter 1:

I appreciate you made edits based on my previous critique, your grammar has improved and it was better to read. There are still small mistakes with it, mainly with your commas and periods. Remember it's a comma with a dialogue tag:

"Hello, girls," our former teacher says. 

"Bye," he says.

"Hey, Raven," my little sister, Maci, says. 

Make sure to put a comma before addressing a name in dialogue, to include a comma at the end of the dialogue and don't capitalize the dialogue tag. (the speaker)

Most of the grammar at the beginning is fine, it's just the middle to end where it needs editing. 

From what I can remember, this isn't very different to the last time I read it. I like that there isn't too many characters, and there is a good balance between thoughts and dialogue. But it's still lacking detail. Some of the sentences with her thoughts are very short and some of them could be made into bigger paragraphs. Such as this:

Alexa waves and shuffles out the door, because no one wants to be late to anything with Mrs. Plank.

Alexa leads the way to Mrs. Plank's portable, which is a small building on the other side of the door.

She is waiting for us when we get there.

Like these kind of sentences. They're too short, not detailed enough, put them into a paragraph. Take your time with it, it still feels too fast in parts.

My concern with the chapter is that is follows the cliche plot of hundreds of other books. Raven is the shy, awkward girl, only has a few friends, doesn't want to be popular, talks a lot about students and teachers with no other topic of conversation. Don't teenagers talk about anything else other than who fell asleep in class and what teachers they like or dislike? I wanted to connect to her personality as an individual person, and not a kid. School was a very long time ago for me, so I prefer to read books (set in high school) that I can connect with on a mature level. 

Examples are:

Angel by L.A Weatherly. 

It's based in high school at the beginning, and Willow (the MC) is fixing her friend's car in the school's car lot, and her friend is embarrassed that Willow is doing it where everyone can see. They have a funny disagreement, but a realistic and mature one.

Starcrossed by Josephine Angelini 

At the beginning, Helen (the MC) is telling the reader about her life on a small island, and then when she goes to school, she sticks closely to only one character that she is the complete opposite to so we can connect to her more without an over-load. Again, their conversations are mature and witty, it makes it different to other high school books.

These are just examples of how an author thinks of something different, something memorable. I know it's hard to write a setting of school without putting your own experiences into it, but it needs to have more of an original feel to it. I just think Raven says "hi or hey" a lot in this chapter, without giving us a memorable dent.

 Make it more detailed, give Raven a little bit of the spot light instead of so much small talk. This is a great plot idea, and one that will be sensitive and touching, but the beginning is what readers will remember. 

Now on to the ending, it's a great ending for a first chapter. Readers will be wondering who Luke is and what's wrong and why her parents would know and not her. It adds great mystery and a hooking cliff hanger.

A mistake I noticed was this sentence:

I didn't give this a thought, although looking back on it, I should have.

Because you've written the chapter (and the book) in present tense, this sentence contradicts itself because including a past memory in a present tense narration doesn't work. She can't be looking back on it, because it's happening right now. 

It's an okay first chapter, not perfect, but that can be worked on. The important thing is that you have potential and I can feel how much thought and effort you've put into it. 

Chapter 2

Okay, it's better than it previously was. The conversation with Luke was more realistic but, ugh, it's still too fast. 

The beginning. When she asks her parents, and her mother just straight up comes out with it, that was not realistic at all. Wouldn't her mother coax her into it slowly?

Example:

"Raven, sit down," my mother says.

My body falls into the sofa before I can understand what's happening, I just stare at her, at my father, looking between them with a look of terror projected on my face.

"Luke received some bad news," she says softly. "He didn't want to tell you because he didn't want to ruin your last week at school."

"What news?" I whisper.

"We only know because his mother called us and-"

"What news?" I demand, silencing her.

She takes a deep breath and locks eyes with my father, then her attention falls back to me. 

"He was diagnosed with stage four leukemia."

"No." I shake my head in denial, not believing it, my throat begins to dry like sandpaper. 

"It's serious," she says. "He wanted to tell you, which is why we didn't, but I guess he couldn't face it."

I rub a tear that falls, staring at the window.

^

You know? Slow it down, add realism, add EMOTION.  It was too quick, too rushed, I didn't impact from it, it didn't add power or the touching moment I wanted. Take your time with it and show her reaction carefully, she wouldn't just go and Skype call him, she'd want answers from her parents first, she'd want to know details. 

She'd want a few moments alone to process it, surely? Maybe she just sits at the window in her room watching the rain, replaying moments they had together? Maybe she's still in denial, and when she talks to Luke she just offers treatment after treatment, refusing to believe there's nothing the doctors can do.

I'm not telling you how to write it, I'm just giving you my advice as a reader, and what I would like to see. You have such a powerful moment to touch us and to make us really care for their friendship and their past, but it's too fast-paced to believe it.

I need to believe it. 

I really like Luke though, I think he's sweet and the fact he was still laughing was incredible. To think they have one summer left is heart-breaking :(

The plot idea is amazing and beautiful, but take your time writing it.

Chapter 3

As I said in the last critique, the time jumps are annoying. They are still annoying and it makes the chapter look scattered and all over the place. Sorry if that isn't what you'd like to hear, but this is me at my bluntest. 

I didn't understand the necessity of that past memory. If you're going to write a past memory then it needs to be in past tense. And you need to write it as her explaining to the reader what is happening, not as the author. Example:

My thoughts drift to Luke, and the last time I saw him. It was at the docks, we were sitting on the edge, dangling our feet into the water.

"Do you believe in Greek gods, Raven? Because I do," he said to me.

No italics (unless it's a dream) and no introduction from you, she can tell us herself what the memory will be about. When you cut into a chapter like that in bold writing, how do you expect the reader to keep reading it in a character's POV? It'll bring them out of the story, you're disrupting their attention. 

The thing is, it's just written too fast. It still needs slowing down, detail adding, emotion adding, thought processes adding.

Write paragraphs of her thoughts. Make us feel what she's feeling. You don't need time jumps to do this, it can all be written in one go, from the moment she wakes up to getting on the plane. Or just include a couple of time jumps, the first is her school day and her saying goodbye, the second half she's on the plane and then get's picked up by Kate. 

This is such a good story, but I'm just clicking my tongue waiting for the emotion to hit me like it's hit her. And a lot of this can be shown in the previous chapter with her reaction to the news. Put her into a state of shock, make her go berserk, make her go into denial, make her break down. I don't know lol! Just give her something. Crying doesn't cut it, crying doesn't make me feel it, it doesn't make me empathize. You have to go beyond that.

Detail!!!!!!!!! :-D

There's many dialogue grammar issues again, please remember the comma, period and capitalization rule. I've stated it a few times over this critique book haha

I'm interested to see how you've changed the next couple of chapters, I'm hoping you made their reunion a little longer than it was. The emotion could still hit yet, we shall see ;-)

Chapter 4

This chapter was so much better. However, I'm still not buying it. You prolonged their reunion a little, but it's still not enough aha as a reader I want some epic banter, I want some thoughts from her, some calm and mature thoughts about seeing him again. I want to hear more about the cancer, and to understand what exactly the next step is. I want her to ask these questions. 

Okay, imagine if you were visiting your best friend, who you had just found out had terminal cancer. Wouldn't you be firing question after question?

"Why did you stop responding to treatment? Did they say?"

"Will you be getting more ill? What will happen then?"

"How are you taking this? Like really, I know you, don't put on a brave face for me."

"I just can't believe there's nothing else they can do. Isn't there anything else they can try? What about. . ."

Questions. CONVERSATION. Emotion. This is your chance to introduce Luke to the world, to make us fall in love with him, with his strength and his spirit and all you give us is a cliche memory about climbing a tree? 

The time jumps, urgh!!!! 

Like seriously, there's a time jump just for eating breakfast??????? Why don't you like writing long scenes? Write longer scenes! Please, please, please!

I want more of her and Luke together, I need to feel it. I can't feel anything. :(

Maybe people will read this and think because it's a heart-breaking cancer story they're going to feel it and enjoy the emotional ride either way, but I take notice of everything it's lacking to reach its full potential. 

You know this story is good, I don't need to tell you that, your readers are hooked with it and I can see why. You are a good writer, your spelling is excellent, you know when to end your chapters and not to drag them on, you have amazing creativity. 

My issue is with your lack of detail. It's like you lose effort with continuing a scene, and are so focused on directing the book towards Luke that you're forgetting that Raven is still a person that needs to process things. Because of all the time jumps, short dialogue, and hardly any paragraphs on thoughts (that go into detail) I still have no clue who Raven is and what her personality is. I mean, she says some things, does some things, she seems nice. But I need character traits. Does she bite her nails? Does she twist her hair? Does she prefer to listen and not to talk? Is she care-free and doesn't take life seriously? (this is the impression I got by her not-so-emotional reaction to Luke's cancer) Is she family-oriented or independent? What are her goals for the future? 

I don't know. It's your job to fill those gaps. I don't know her.

Anyway, hospital appointment? Oooh! Maybe that'll crash her back to reality to hear the doctors say the words. I think at the moment she's just happy to see her best friend again, and it hasn't really hit her. But I'd still like access to her thoughts :)

Chapter 5

YES YES YES!

Now, that is the detail I've been jabbering on about. The thoughts, the setting, the emotion, the impact. For the first time in five chapters, I felt it. 

This is why I am being so blunt, because I know that you can do it, that you have it. That last paragraph was incredibly touching. I just want to see that emotion put into the other chapters, because it really is a horrible but powerful plot. "Two months at best" choked me up, that's shorter than they thought :/ but doctors get it wrong! Some people are diagnosed with a few months to live and defy odds and are still alive today. 

I heard about this woman that would talk to her cancer cells every day and tell them to leave, she did it for so long and was so convinced of it that it eventually worked and was cured. Obviously, they call that a "miracle cure" but it happens. 

Maybe you won't go down the miracle route, maybe Luke is destined to die soon and this last summer will be the best and the worst of Raven's life. I'm still not sure about the two of them though, there's that friendship there and that's strong, but love wise, I don't buy it. Maybe if she always had feelings for him but never had the guts to tell him or something it would be more of a plot... but then again I don't know what direction you're going to take it in. They might only be friends. Time will tell, will you make readers cry? Possibly. Maybe.

Not me. But others? Who knows.

Improvements:

Dialogue grammar

Less time jumps

Longer scenes/conversations

Personality traits/character development

Thoughts

Emotions

More realistic reaction

Settings/detail

Of course, you don't have to listen to anything I say. You might love your book just the way it is, and that's entirely your choice. My opinion is only my opinion.

But the grammar is grammar. That is not my opinion. I'm not going to keep repeating the rules of grammar in every chapter, but it really is something that needs to be known and understood if you want to be a professional author. 

we say, a voice says, she says, he asks, she asks, they say, we reply, we state, she tells me, he sighs, she sighs. NO CAPITAL. Not even if there's a question mark.

And include a COMMA not a period. Periods are only used in dialogue when describing an action. 

Example:

"I told you." She glances away. 

This is the last time I will repeat this for you, so please take notice. 

Okay, all in all, a great idea with a heart-breaking and sensitive plot with characters that could be lovable and relatable (if expanded on) 

I personally think it still has a long way to go before it's at a professional reading standard, but every single book in the world was at that stage once. The important thing is that you're editing, and you're open to criticism, and you believe in your book enough to give it that time to grow. And I admire that so much. 

If you're at this stage now, in a few months, or years, oh my gosh you will be one incredibly talented author. Just keep working, progressing, learning and it will all fit together. 

I wish you all the best with this book, it is most definitely an interesting and thought-provoking piece of art. Good luck. 

Overall Rating: 5/10

Recommended: Yes