Book Title: And We Fell

Review: Free

Blurb:

The blurb is good. I like the opening with the questions, makes the reader wonder why her best friend had to leave and hasn't been in contact. It gives away a little too much of the plot. Like, you write that she is forced to marry a man that locks her up and treats her badly, but then you tell us that "Ashton" steps in and helps her escape. This is kind of a spoiler in a way lol maybe it's just the way it's worded. 

It sounds really interesting though, it wouldn't be my kind of story as it's labeled romance, maybe if it was a thriller it would make me more curious, but that's just me.

Chapter 1

Not going to lie, the text message section was very high-school/teen fiction. I understand they're 14, but as an adult, that is just my worst nightmare as a reader to read. If you're trying to show their connection as friends, then write something different and show that connection. Like:

I read the text from Ashton. How come you're still awake? Thinking about me? 

Chuckling, I typed back. I had a nap actually, so that head of yours can decrease now. 

You know? Just because they're 14 doesn't mean they have to be so immature and loud (like with using capitals) you can keep it simple and sweet. Those messages gave me 0 feels into their friendship, school was a long time ago for me so maybe I'm being biased, but that's my honest opinion.

The rest of the chapter showed good writing skills. It was clear to read and paced great. I liked the part where she said she likes to wake up and do something that prepares her for the day, that's interesting. 

I was a little thrown back at how a four-year-old girl scared off two bullies by beating them with dolls and punching them lol :$ I thought that was a little drastic, but I guess it could happen. Poor Aston! 

For an opening chapter, it could be worked on. Maybe add some more detail into her life and expand on some insight into the plot that will be coming. For example, her parents are in ibiza with her sister, why didn't she go with them? Who is looking after her? When I was 14, my parents wouldn't leave me alone to go for a movie night, so them leaving her home alone while they're on holiday is a tad unrealistic. How did she manage to persuade them to leave her behind? 

Also, the ending.

"I stood up and ran towards the kitchen."

Seriously? You're going to leave your first chapter with her running for the kitchen? As a reader, I wouldn't click to read the next part based on that ending. Where's the build up? The excitement? Where's the interest?

Should I click to read your second chapter if I assume I'm going to be reading about her eating pizza? It might not be written like that, I just mean that's what I'd predict I'd be reading from the ending.

Sorry if that's too blunt but I don't know how else to put it. You need to keep readers hooked and intrigued, which you can do. You have a good sense of grammar, spelling and sentence structures, so I know the potential and talent is there. And this plot as a whole feels creative and hooking, but an ending like that doesn't cut it. 

Develop Mari's character a little more to make us instantly think "oooh" as this is the introduction into her life. It just feels too kiddish for me, which I completely understand though, when I was younger I was writing fiction like this, (like the text message format) but now I look back and it just doesn't do anything for me as a reader. 

I hate having to be biased but in chapters like these I feel like I have to. It just needs a little more adding to it, and more sophistication into it. I think you've got the potential though, so keep writing, working, learning and I hope you can one day see what I see. I hope it turns out well for you and this will one day be an incredible read!

Overall Rating: 4/10