Book Title: On the Verge

Review: Free

Blurb, Prologue, Chapter 1

Blurb:

Let's do this!! I'm so excited to be critiquing a horror! No offence to the Teen fiction writers, but I was getting so tired of critiquing the same genre. Woo

Okay, the blurb. 

The blurb is very short. Which is expected from a horror, HOWEVER, some readers will require a little more to draw them in to click "read."

One mistake is that 98 year old should be 98-year-old. 

Even though it is short, it definitely draws to my inner psychological side that writes in this genre. Is she sane? Is she pretending? Is she mental but recovering? What happened to her? 

Maybe that's what's missing. After the question at the end, maybe there should just be a little more insight into the plot. 

So the sentence - "she has no reason to lie. Then why does she want to leave a record of her life?" kind of contradicts itself and doesn't make sense. 

You're implying that she's leaving a record of her life because she IS lying. If you want to leave mystery that she's finally going to tell the truth, then reword it. If she's going to lie about what's in the recording then myself as a reader, I'm thinking, well what's the point of paying attention to it then?

It just needs rewording.

Prologue

Oh my! Okay. What a start! This is definitely playing with my psychological side. That night? What happened that night? Why won't anyone believe her?? My guess, okay, before I've read any further is that her husband was murdered and they think she did it. BUT, I have a suspicion she didn't? And she's spent half of her life locked up because of it?

Whatever it is, I believe her! Or... do I? Maybe you want me to believe her before I've even read her side of the story, maybe she's actually insane and everything she writes will be what she thinks is the truth, but isn't.

Oh god, you're going to make me ponder mystery after mystery, aren't you? 

It was short and insightful and VERY thought-provoking. What's confusing me is if she's actually writing it or thinking it. If she's writing it, put it into italics so we can tell the difference.

The ending. What on earth??? The ending kind of left in a rush, not on a cliffhanger. I wanted just a little more to make it a cliffhanger. Leaving it like that doesn't fit.

Example, after the ending paragraph:

Or maybe my story will never be believed. But for all it's worth, no amount of doubt can change the truth. And no amount of belief can change my fate. This is my story, and whether anyone believes it or doubts it, I have none other to tell.

You know? Just add that something extra to the ending so it doesn't look out of place. 

Also, the author's note. Why the HELL is it directly after the last sentence in big, bold letters? No, no, no!

If you're going to include an author's note, leave a few spaces and add a + + + or something to separate it from the actual story. That's just amateur and it will bring readers straight out of the ending, and it's also annoying.

Damn though. Pacing is good, grammar is great, it's intense, it's dark. Well fricken done!

Chapter 1

It's so SHORT. Ugh. You're hardly giving me anything to critique! Lucky for you I found mistakes with the little paragraphs I had.

In the beginning you wrote:

"Honestly, I am surprised to know there is only one guy loitering around the house." He said between chuckles,

Wrong dialogue grammar!!!!!!! Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Okay. Deep breath.

I am getting good at repeating this dialogue grammar conundrum. Every critique though? COME ON PEOPLE!!!

Correction:

"Honestly, I am surprised to know there is only one guy loitering around the house," he said between chuckles. 

When you're describing how someone is speaking, you use a comma and "He" doesn't have a capital. You ONLY put a period when the person is doing an action. And if they are speaking again, in the same sentence, you separate it with a period not a comma.

So the comma after "chuckles" should be a period. 

If I have to explain this to one more person, I might have to bloooooooooooooooooow, and breathe.

Italicizing the one, just adds emphasis and makes the sentence more easy to read. 

Examples:

"I know that," he said, licking his lips. "How do you want to do this?"

"I know that." He licked his lips. "How do you want to do this?"

^ MAJOR examples. First is the speaker, second is an action. Pay attention to where the commas and periods are placed.

I might actually save that for future critiques, hm.

Okay moving on!

Already said this, but very short chapter. Make it longer, add some detail, add some more dialogue. The husband seems funny, but quite dismissive of her question about him screwing someone. GUILTY conscious right there. It's interesting how he's giving her affection to try and throw her off the scent that he's having an affair, but it's actually leading her to suspect it instead.

I just love all things psychology, so that's a brain teaser for me. This whole thing is a brain teaser. In this chapter, is she still writing about it, or is present day re-living it kind of thing? 

Still, even though it's pretty rushed, I'm enjoying trying to piece together the dots. If you like psychological thrillers you should check my book Grey out, it's a roller coaster of twists, no pressure there what so ever, but just in case you like the genre :-)

The ending! What the hell?? You need to work on how you end your chapters. Where's the cliff hanger? Where's the BOOM that connects it to horror? I'd end it with something to do with her thoughts about him laughing, something eerie and suspenseful. Your writing is great and intense, but it needs more. 

I can't connect to these characters when you literally give us NOTHING :(

Again, the author's note at the end, space it down; way, way down! Who wants to read bold letters when we're trying to take a minute to appreciate your story? 

All together, the plot seems fascinating. Given some work, and length, it will definitely keep people hooked. 

Overall Rating: 6.5/10

Recommended: Yes