Book Title: Dragons of Egypt

Review: Payment

Chapter 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

Chapter 2:

Okay, girl. I'm going to start with the part I don't like, but I want to get it out of the way. Spelling mistakes. There's a lot. Read through it thoroughly and correct them. I pointed them all out. Some of them are as simple as using the correct "it's or its" "your or you're" but the difference is important.

The second thing I need to pick up on, exclamation marks. They're overused and becoming annoying, stop including so many in one dialogue speech or thought process. You don't have to use exclamation marks every time someone is becoming frustrated or even laughing, just use a period, it's more effective, and then describe how that person is speaking. Don't rely on exclamation marks to do it for you.

Example:

Eldwin wanted to punch him! He wanted to flatten his nose and bang his head against the floor of the bus for what he did to his book!

Replace the exclamation marks with full stops and the paragraph will become 100% more effective. 

The dialogues are okay, but because you're writing in third person it's easy to disguise the errors because you're using names. Just make sure you're using commas and periods correctly before the dialogues.

Okay, the plot of the chapter was hard to read. This Kirk person seems like a very cruel and notorious bully and it's sad that no one fully understands how much Egyptian history means to Eldwin. I really wanted Tom to stand up for him and say something, but he didn't. Maybe Tom's scared of Kirk but if I witnessed my friend being bullied like that then I wouldn't be able to just watch it. 

I felt really sorry for Eldwin. Yes he's a little quirky and likes his books, but that's who he is. I can't help thinking there's a reason for his connection to Ancient Egypt, something almost hidden like a sixth sense that's drawing him towards it. 

Towards... her?

This situation with Alveria is both confusing and interesting. I still can't tell if this is happening in present day or if it's already happened, as in history. Have they been resurrected? Is Eldwin meant to save her from the evil Advisor? 

The trip's TOMORROW? Woo!

I don't know how Eldwin is going to play into this, but he's one of those dark horses that comes across as afraid and geeky but ends up saving the day. I hope!

Apart from the spelling mistakes and overused exclamation marks, it all flowed really well. Especially the second part. It's not perfect, and it needs editing, but I could read it clearly and understand it, so you have the potential there.

Chapter 3

I think you know what I'm going to say, before I say anything else lol SPELLING MISTAKES! Follow this guide:

It's = it is

Its = describing something

> It's not there. (It is not there)

> Its colorful beam filled up the room with light. (describing)

You keep putting "it's" when describing something, and it's the wrong spelling. Always use "it is" if you're confused and then think if it sounds right.

Ooh a dream! I'm always fascinated when reading a dream scene because I never know if it's just a product of their subconscious or if someone is trying to send a message. And this felt like a very strong message! 

I think the woman is Alvera and she's reaching out to him, or maybe something else put the dream in motion to guide him towards her. It reminded me of Eragon when he has the dreams of the woman being held captive. But message or not, I guess as humans we just think it's a dream and won't pay attention to it. 

The description was amazing in the dream scene, you described everything with a lot of detail and it felt professional and detailed. Well done for that!

But a BIGGER well done, goes for the dialogue grammar! YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The grammar was perfect! 

It's just your spelling lol

The second half just needs clarification that it's Alvera. Make sure to include her name in the opening POV change so it doesn't confuse readers. I don't mean by saying "Alvera's POV" I mean by including her name in the actual writing. Because you just open it with "she."

I'm slightly scared by what the Advisor is going to do to her. He makes victims dance to their death? Woah! Sounds like a sociopath. Will the "king" make it in time? I hope so!

Chapter 4

I can't even explain how much I laughed in this chapter! I had to take a break because of laughing too much and came back to write this when I calmed down, and I'm still laughing now! 

Please keep Ash as a main character, him and "Jacob" are just hilarious. He must really believe in his abilities as a ventriloquist to be a completely different person from his puppet. Most ventriloquists do it for entertainment, but I can't tell if he's trying to entertain or if he has mental health issues... interesting!

When Ash started "strangling" him, oh my god, you killed me. Brilliantly written! 

Just, once again, try not to include so many exclamation marks.

I loved Eldwin's response to it as well, running away haha! Honestly, I think I'd run away from that too. The humor in your writing really shone in this chapter, it's nice to see that balance between serious and funny, and you did a great job with it.

And then the second half, you brought seriousness again. I'm starting to feel for Alvera so much, being deprived from sunlight is obviously killing her, slowly. And now she's seen Eldwin, but HOW?

How did she see Eldwin? You didn't make that clear. Is she in the exhibit? But she's chained in a windowless room? Is she on a different plane to them? Like an alternative reality where she's trapped in Ancient Egypt but can see the present day realm around her?

That really confused me.

I pointed out all the spelling mistakes, please correct them. Your grammar is amazing, and the detail is amazing, but you're just using the incorrect spelling in some parts which doesn't affect the overall reading, but it's still a bump in the road making me go "huh" for a moment.

Chapter 5

There were a few mistakes, some spelling errors and some grammar issues. Make sure to include a new line for a new speaker, and don't cram different speakers into the same paragraph as it can get confusing.

Not much changed from the last version, but I like this one better because Jacob is okay and the bully is the one that vanished :D 

I also liked how you introduced the Advisor's name and eased Eldwin into it slowly. I still think he isn't giving a believable reaction though. The Advisor calls him Pharaoh many times so wouldn't a natural reaction from Eldwin be something like: "Why do you keep calling me that?"

I know that you've edited the reaction and tried to give more from Eldwin, but it's still coming across as though he believes it entirely.

Eldwin just still seems too calm. I want to see more fire in him, more confusion. I really liked the descriptions! Especially the mist scene that was excellent.  

And the, PLOT TWIST. You just dropped the bomb that Eldwin is the Pharaoh! What???????

That's a lot of information to drop in a fourth chapter. There's no mystery now, I feel like you've put that in a little too early for the plot, but that's your own choice. I guess you're putting it in early because the Advisor is acting all nice and "welcome, my lord." but really he's a plotting psychopath that is going to try and kill him. 

Am I right? Am I right? :DDDD

Don't trust him, Eldwin!

It'd be such an almighty plot twist if Ash turns out to be the Pharaoh instead, haha! That'd be funny, him ruling with Jacob as his Advisor, lol.

I'm straying, sorry.

I'm really enjoying this book! I think you've got a great flow going and the characters are all easy to connect with and their personality traits are becoming clearer and clearer. 

What will Eldwin do now? :-O

Chapter 6

It's developing well, and better than before. There are still minor errors that can be easily corrected, I pointed them all out. My biggest concern is the teacher's reaction to a boy going missing. A teacher would be under obligation to inform authorities immediately, but he just carried on as normal aha I think that could be made a little more realistic.

The interaction between Hamon and Eldwin was better too, thank you for including the little info about how Eldwin can contact him, as that wasn't mentioned before. But surely Eldwin would still be questioning everything? I just feel like there needs to be more questioning here, more realism. We know that Eldwin isn't hallucinating, but if I was him, I'd think I was hallucinating. I'd be straight to a doctor. Yet he's just like "How do I call you later?" 

I appreciate that you tried to edit the reaction to make it more slower, but it's still too fast aha which I know is frustrating.

Still though, it was a thrilling edit. I love the story and the plot, and I love Eldwin's character. Not as much as Jacob of course ;-) you've done a really good job with this! 

I particularly love Alvera's scenes. And you described her as a type of reptile creature so that's interesting :O!!! Her eyes freaked me out, brilliant detail. Will Kirk repent for his sins? What will Hamon do to him?!!! 

WHY DOESN'T ANYONE CARE ABOUT KIRK? Hahahaha! 

Chapter 7 [1]

Aw, I love Alvera. She's so nice and sweet. I could tell she was really scared in this chapter and it's sad that she'd rather die than go back to her life as a prisoner, I guess we'd all find comfort in death after that. 

The detail was incredible, but it did confuse me in moments. You described the face of Anubis as a jackal, but then went into detail about him being a dragon. That confused me lol does he turn into a dragon? 

Alvera is his daughter :-O! That shocked me, as we don't really know who she is yet. Her reptile features make sense now if she's the daughter of a dragon. It was an enjoyable chapter, I liked that she found a little peace in the clouds and watching them. 

Was it her soul then that her father was carrying? How could her soul be sleepy and want to sleep? Or was that a reference to it going back to her body? I would have liked to see a little pull with her body, like a portal or something that is slowly yanking her back to life. 

There were a few errors, it's mainly your spelling.

Remember, "eyes" not "eye's"

And be careful with using commas in paragraphs when they're not needed. This creates run-on sentences that can be confusing to read. I know commas are difficult to work with, they're my bane aha but just reread and see if you really need a pause between certain words or if they should carry on. Most of them should carry on.

New line for new speaker, don't put two speakers in the same paragraph. New line for new speaker is a huge grammar phrase among English classes and will stop confusion with who is speaking.

Chapter 7 [2]

There were many mistakes in this chapter, so many that I became distracted from what was going on because I was pointing them out. 

New line for new speaker, don't put them in the same paragraph. 

eyes*!!

Your dialogue is messy and there's too many actions following them. Write singular sentences!

"Who are you?" Eldwin asked. "How is this possible?"

"I am your Advisor," the creature replied. "I thought we had gone over this."

"I guess a part of me believed I had imagined it," Eldwin whispered. "How is this possible?"

"It's simple. Reincarnation."

No actions, no long paragraphs after each dialogue just simple dialogue. It would make it clearer to read and is more professional. 

It still needs a deeper explanation from the Advisor toward Eldwin. This chapter focused a lot on Eldwin's feelings toward Alvera and not the overall fantasy confusion. I know you've been editing it and have edited it based on this problem before aha so I'm sorry for bringing it up again, it's a lot better and more realistic, but just needs that little bit more of explanation :)

It's developing well, your descriptions are amazing. You're such a good writer, and I'm really starting to connect with Eldwin and his bizarre anger outbursts. It just needs a little more detail :)

Like maybe Eldwin is thinking about how it all makes sense with how he's so infatuated with Egypt? Put some pieces together in his mind, create a bigger picture for him and his feelings. If you make it all about the girl he wants to save it loses credibility because he's only just found all of this out. He needs to focus on what he is first, and then build up to the anger with Alvera. 

An example I can think of is Eragon. (if you've seen the movie or read the book) He finds out he's a dragon rider first, and that is explained to him and he's given time to adjust to it before he begins seeing visions of the girl. One problem at a time, as they say.

Chapter 7 [3]

Oh damn! That was so detailed and hooking! I loved how Kirk was smug at the beginning and then went into full-blown fear mode. The descriptions were haunting, I felt like I was stood there watching that creature against the moon, I'd be running back inside! 

Is that Alvera's father? Or a completely different creature? How has no one noticed a giant dragon flying around!?

Why is no one searching for Kirk??? LOL Does no one care? 

I'm confused as to why Kirk was left to wonder the palace in the first place. Wasn't he trapped with Alvera? Did the Advisor leave the door unlocked? Hm

Lots of questions, main question of the chapter: Where is the creature taking him?!!!

I loved the pacing of the chapter, it was slow and easy to read, it made it feel impacting and realistic. 

Overall, I think it's an enjoyable, mysterious and amazing plot. There's not a lot of books out there set in modern day Egypt, and I really like that setting. I have a friend that lives in Egypt and every time I Skype call him I mention this book and that he should read it (but he doesn't read, he's boring) 

All he ever says is: "Why does the world think we worship cats? Humans are gullible, we hate cats" haha! 

So maybe there's some truth to Egyptian legends, and maybe there's only myths. Well, I think this is one spectacular myth. The passion you put into your writing is clear and I hope you keep going and going until you've got an epic fantasy novel. It's all getting very dark and thrilling with the creatures and the mischievous plots and Eldwin's journey is an unsure one, but I hope he frees Alvera!

For improvements it's just spelling here and there, take out some commas that are misplaced and try to give more satisfactory detail into Eldwin's situation. And of course, write some singular dialogue sentences and include more "said" rather than actions.

Good luck with writing the rest of the book, and I know your mum will absolutely love it! <3

Chapter 8 [part 1]

Alvera is alive, woo!!! 

I really enjoyed this chapter. You do write beautifully, I love the detail and the soft and harmonic pacing of her attempt to release herself from the chains. She's one of those characters that you fall in love with because she's so selfless and kind. She could literally escape, but she chooses to stay for Kirk. (pft, I wouldn't) even though her freedom is right there in front of her. I found it cute how she ripped her favorite dress to attend to his wounds. I also thought her strength in this chapter was really magical. She's got hardly any energy but she manages to pull her chains free, and then she grows too weak to take Kirk through the wall. It was like an ironic tragedy. 

You've developed Alvera's character and personality really well. I'm still not entirely sure how old she is aha but I really want her to have a happy ending. There's a good balance of emotion and imagery in the chapter, I could see it all clearly, as I've said before, the detail is amazing. 

I saw you're still putting "eye's" in there (pun intended) stop putting an apostrophe!!! It's "eyes"!!!  lol

There was also a couple of spelling mistakes here and there or missing words, nothing major, just needs a quick edit. 

How long until Kirk wakes up? What if the dragon comes back and stops them from leaving? :( oh no! Every time this girl get's close to freedom, she's dragged back to the chains and it just hurts my heart.

Good job!

Chapter 8 [part 2]

I don't know what just happened but it was AWESOME. Not in like, "I want Eldwin to die" kind of way, but the chase and the thrill was well. . . thrilling. 

It was interesting in the beginning of the chapter how Eldwin was denying all about who and what he is (which I suggested, thank you for taking it on board) and then as soon as he's in trouble he's begging Hamon to come help him aha. 

When the car was chasing him, I thought it was going to be someone with a warning or information or something, I didn't expect MURDER or BULLETS or this amount of action. I felt like I was running with Eldwin, I was honestly glued to the screen praying that he made it. But, he got shot and then he fell in the water and I don't know if he's dead and argdfjdfoff!! That was one hell of a cliff hanger!

It was written great. The flow, again, is amazing and all very detailed and snappy which I like. Even though it was fast-paced because of the car chase, it wasn't over-whelming or confusing, there was the perfect amount of suspense and awesomeness. (I didn't know what other word to use) 

Now for the big question: WHO IS TRYING TO KILL HIM?!! 

Did Hamon send them? Was it Hamon in some kind of disguise? Is that why he didn't show, because he was the one in the car? :O hmm

I hope Eldwin is okay! Maybe someone pulls him out of the water? Ah!!!

I love your writing style. I adore it. Very well written!

Chapter 8 [part 3]

Another good chapter. It was nice to read a bit of dialogue as other chapters lack it. It's strange because I'm actually starting to feel bad for Kirk now. He's only a kid, whether or not he's a bully, no one should have to go through torture and it's a big wake up call for him. 

It was cute how he liked Alvera, someone's got a crush aha but be careful with your wording. You write that Kirk knows Alvera helped him and saved his life, he wouldn't know that because he was unconscious, so maybe that's a conversation he should have with Alvera himself to clear it up.

Also be careful with your wording when Kirk is taken to see Hamon. You write "Hamon does this" etc.. but does Kirk actually know his name? I can't remember that part. Remember it's in Kirk's POV.

The offer Hamon presented to Kirk surprised me. Marry Alvera no doubt, poor girl can't catch a break. At least Hamon is giving him a choice and isn't forcing him to do it. I wasn't surprised to see Kirk considering having endless power lol who wouldn't want that? But at what cost? His soul? Would he be immortal?

As you state in the last paragraph that they speak Arabic, maybe you could write some Arabic in there? I can teach you some words.

Like if they're saying goodbye they could say "Salam." Just simple enough so readers know what it means but it's a sound that Kirk hears :)

For the POV switches, I'm not sure. I like it, but I don't like that I have to wait to know what's happening to another character aha then again, it's good that you're making me wait because it adds mystery. 

You have such a strong plot here, but don't forget that you also need to explain the world too. How is it a different time to the world? Are they back in time? Are they immortal or reincarnated? Just make these things a little more clearer.

Again, great job, you are a fabulous writer and I hope this gets more recognition!

Chapter 9 [part 1]

Firstly, I am so very sorry that this took so long! It is strange though because no matter how long I go without reading this book I always remember what has happened xD 

Now to the critique! 

My dear, I have a big issue. This is not Eldwin's POV. It's labelled as Eldwin and contains Eldwin, but it is written in the officer's POV. You've included another POV lol! 

If you want my honest opinion then Eldwin should be awake and a little aware in this. Instead of him being unconscious maybe he can hear what's around him but can't speak, or maybe he can mumble words to the officer about what happened which makes no sense. I just didn't get the right feel from it. For me it would have been better to read what Eldwin is feeling as he's slipping in and out of death so closely. It can't be Eldwin's POV from a third parties eyes. 

There were a few grammar mistakes with sentences but nothing major. One thing I will mention that I have mentioned before and will keep on mentioning is your desire to place random dialogue throughout paragraphs. Write a new line!!!! xD

I'm not even sure which direction this will go in now, like, have you just killed him off?! I feel bad for him laying there alone but because it's all going on outside of his head I can't connect with it emotionally. If you gave me an insight into Eldwin's mind and took me on a trip with him into the darkness he's facing then I might feel his "maybe" death more. 

The chapter feels like it's missing something and I do think it's emotion, otherwise it kind of doesn't have a point. 

The pacing is really good, it builds up the suspense well and there isn't any over-active hysteria surrounding the situation, it's actually quite peaceful. The scene with the officer becoming sort of "possessed" was very cleverly added too. That scared me a little xD was it Alvera pushing through the phone and calling for help? But Eldwin's not there to hear it :(

It was good, but please consider putting more of Eldwin into it. 

Chapter 9 [part 2]

The beginning was really good. I loved the metaphor with the dragons and the black and white perception of good and evil. It's a balance that must be kept. I'm still slightly confused by what the medallion is though or where it came from. You made it sound like Alvera conjured the medallion because she knew what it was, but she was in shock when the fire began in her hand, so I'm not entirely sure what actually happened there. 

You have this remarkable talent of presenting deliciously awesome descriptions with no explanation of how it happens. It's something I've come to love about you xD

The dialogue could use some improvements. There's something not right with the wordings. Like for example:

"Well for starters, he beat me up and then offered me power and told me he wanted to make me his chief magician."

This is what I would call amateur dialogue. Even if someone young (like Kirk) is speaking it, you still need to write it with a maturity so the readers can relate.

Example of mature dialogue:

"Well for starters he beat me up." Kirk crossed his arms over his chest. "Then he offered me power."  <break it up because "well for starters" should only be followed by one thing for one breath.

He saw Alvera's gaze tighten with alarm and he continued. "He wants to make me his adviser, like a damn chief magician. Obviously he's senile."

"So you're not going to take it then?" Alvera questioned.

"No. Maybe. No. Definitely no."

"You don't seem certain. You'd have god-like powers, it'd be the opportunity of a lifetime."

"It's not the powers I'm conflicted about," Kirk said. "It's the enormous price I'd have to pay for it. Marriage. He said I'd have to marry."

"Oh," Alvera whispered.

"And I only have a few minutes to make my decision."

"Oh."

"What should I do, Alvera? If I refuse then-"

"Then he'll beat you and torture you," she answered, swallowing hard. "This is a game to him, refuse and he'll assume you're not grateful. Kirk you have to accept his offer. If you want to live."

You know? Play around with the dialogue. This is your chance to really show the readers what Kirk and Alvera are like and to explore their conversations together. The dialogue you have at the moment is very short and child-like. Expand your character development, create some witty humor, build their chemistry. 

I can't wait to hear his answer though. I don't really know Kirk well enough to presume he just wants power, but I definitely think he'll take it. 

At this point, scenes between Kirk and Alvera are important, it's the pathway to the future of the plot, so please don't rush them. Even though I'm banking on Eldwin saving Alvera, I also think part of her really cares for Kirk and that's something that can be worked on through dialogue and exploring reactions. 

Chapter 9 [part 3]

This was a good chapter, I was right that Kirk would decide to take the power but you spent half of it describing the colour of fire. It began to feel redundant. You can write incredible detail, but I always feel like you energize them in the wrong places. How was Kirk feeling after his transformation? You wrote that he was in pain when the dragon burned him, but how did he feel afterwards?

Did he feel powerful? Did he feel invincible? Did he feel different? Did his face change from scared to fearless? 

Include Kirk's thoughts.  

Apparently after all that happened "everything was normal." 

I imagined Kirk rising from his knees with a dark smirk on his face while the Pharaoh was laughing and clapping his hands. I imagined Kirk giving the Pharaoh sarcastic comments under his breath because he now feels like he's better than the Pharaoh. 

It just didn't feel right, I don't know why o.0

Ordering Alvera's execution is confusing. Is that because he's now possessed with evil and darkness? Or does he actually want her dead? Strange. Now he's taken the power I feel like the Pharaoh is going to use him to take out Eldwin and a battle will commence! 

Once again, it was a privilege to read and review your work. I wish I had the time to keep going but after my busy period ends I will surely try to resume where I left off. You've got such a strong and fascinating story that I don't even have to reread any of the previous chapters to remember, I just know. 

I've become engrossed with Eldwin and Alvera's story from the beginning and you've created such a unique perception on Egyptian Fantasy. Just keep editing through those mistakes and work on that dialogue so that readers can connect more to characters as that's the only thing that lets it down.

Overall Rating: 7/10

Recommended: Duh, yes!