Book Title: Onyx City Gods

Review: Payment

Prologue, Chapter 1, 2, 3, 3.5, 4

Prologue:

Ah, what an amazing start! A city, masks, a virus, liquidation, a mayor, a secret, VIGILANTES? I am obsessed with Arrow, so this is my perfect story. This is twenty years ago, so god knows what's happening in present day. Has the liquidation been released? Are the "hoodlums" now eradicated from the city? WHAT IS GOING ON. 

There was just one part that confused me in this chapter. Alfonzo is threatening Charles's family, and Charles is obviously tasked with ridding the city of the vigilantes.

However, what confused me was when Alfonzo said:

"Name your price, I know I'm gonna have to give you something!"

Why would Alfonzo be asking him about a price when he was just threatening his family? You started it as though it was blackmail, which came across powerful, but then you had Alfonzo pleading to HIM. So I didn't get that bit.

I think you should make it clearer if Alfonzo is actually the bad one and is capable of carrying out his threats, or if Charles is the one that's in control. 

It's like me saying to someone, "Give me £1000 or I'll kill your family. Do you want help with finding it?"

You know. It just doesn't quite fit.

The grammar is excellent, the pace and detail is spot on. No errors whatsoever, I thoroughly enjoyed it. 

I'm curious about completely everything in this chapter haha you've written the mystery and tension perfectly, so many questions going through my head! 

What are the elites? Are they the "Circle?" The Circle sound so eerie!

Brilliantly plotted!

Chapter 1

SO MUCH HAPPENED!!!!

Omg okay, this was one of the most amazing chapters I've ever read in my life. WHAT THE HELL MADE ME SAY THAT? Well, for one, your writing is so professional that I'm second guessing if you're actually a well-known author in disguise. And two, you must have some awesome dreams because the imagination you've put into this BLEW MY MIND. 

To pieces. Like I'm on the floor right now trying to scramble them back together.

First, we have the introduction. Instantly I saw "hitman" and I'm like "YES!" I love a good hitman story. And I thought that in itself is cool and has my complete attention, but then you went ALL OUT and you went FURTHER than the "The Further"

Ghosts in the bathroom? Necromancy?? Levitation? Satan, God, Death? 

Oh wow, you've just kicked things up a notch.

This chapter was dark and brutal and bloody excellent, pun intended. From the corpses in the street to the hit man's features, you just know how to describe things with such a chilling perfection. 

This city is absolutely broken. People are killing, people are dead, people are bad, people are apparently standing on buildings wearing masks with weapons. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT.

After reading this I had to look at pictures of puppies. 

There has to be some light, right? Throughout this chapter I was longing for a touch of hope, I was fighting to see some light and innocence and good, but it just got darker!! Which isn't a bad thing!

The fight scene--oh GOD, the fight scene-- it was spectacular. When will villains ever learn that if someone is trying to kill them they shouldn't let them live if they manage to knock them unconscious? Aha! 

Letting Darius live was the biggest mistake of Reggie's life. But then there'd be no story. I can see why Darius does what he does, but I'm curious as to who he's doing it for. Who is he working for? 

A hitman always gets paid. Or is he a vigilante himself? An Angel of Death. I like that term better than vigilante. Yes, I'm going to call him the A of D ;-D

What did the liquidation DO???? It was mentioned at the beginning, but it wasn't mentioned again. Did it turn people evil? Did everyone just leave the city to fall apart and now there's certain "A of D's" going around saving it?

Is Darius trying to unite people with their makers? What does he believe in? 

When you touched upon the phrase "If I'm a killer, should killers kill me?" or something like that, < I thought that was a very powerful thought process. That made me think about what right and wrong is, and if we should have the power to deliver punishment or judgement. Or if anyone should. And I think Darius might begin to fight with that a bit. 

Is Darius even HUMAN??

I would not like to be on the receiving end of those chop sticks!

In my own personal preference, this chapter was very long. But if you like writing long chapters that's your choice, but I just had to comment on it. No matter how amazing it was, I did feel like it could be split into two. Maybe when he gets knocked unconscious.

No errors, no typos. Who are you?! -_-

Chapter 2

You know that light and hope that I was talking about in the previous section? Well, I think I've just slightly found it in Domino. I really like their friendship, his protection of her is cute, and I'd hope that he'd even protect her from Kraken too.

There was a little bit of back story cramming with the names and places, I'm still trying to figure out who is who and what's happening. Remember when writing a fantasy that even though you know what's happening in your world (because you created it) your readers don't. Try not to drop so many names on us at once. And try not to write your world as though it's the norm for ghosts and necromancy to be happening. You should make it clear if this is Earth, a futuristic Earth, or an entirely different world all together. I'm slightly confused on that front. Are the people in the city still human? 

So, Darius works for Kraken, who is like the leader of the city? If he "lets" criminals roam free then isn't everyone potentially a criminal? You'd have to fight to survive.

It's a strange city, very strange. I'm still getting my head around the paranormal aspects, never mind the tattoos that protect him from gun shots aha 

There's just so much you're dropping on us. Almost too much. I had to take a breather half way through to try to understand. But I did! I got my head around it eventually aha

Why do I get a bad feeling that them leaving isn't going to go as planned? Darius said that Kraken kills those that aren't loyal to him, so what if Kraken finds out and forces him to do something? I don't know, I hope not!

Again, I love your writing style. The detail, pace and grammar is all fantastic. 

I'm really intrigued to meet Darius' girlfriend, and Kraken! Even though I hate him just by what's been said about him, he does fascinate me a little. 

Chapter 3

Yay, I finally got to meet Kraken. Interestingly, he wasn't what I expected. I thought he'd be so ruthless that he'd kill the cop and drive away, but he used something even more powerful, manipulation. Kraken comes across very intelligent, another reason why I'm worried that he'll find out about Darius preparing to leave. He's a perfect villain. Every story needs a villain that speaks with arrogance and controls with their mind, rather than slaughtering their way through people. I can kind of see the allure with him though. His "men" including Darius, perhaps see Kraken as one of those leaders that they feel privileged to be working with. I'm confused by if Kraken is the Mayor or not? You mentioned something in the paragraph about Kraken not being an exception, but if he's the Mayor, wouldn't he control the police force? I'm surprised the cops would even have the guts to approach him, let alone arrest him.

The world is still dark, brutal and really scary. If I was living in this world, I'd be terrified aha and that just says how good you are with descriptions. The vocabulary, in particular, is very captivating and tells me just how intelligent you are. 

It was nice to see a scene where Darius is flirting with a girl, too. I know he has a girlfriend, and I'm still itching to meet Zee, but come on, he's only human. (kind of) 

The executioner sounds scary!!!!! A vigilante, maybe? Going around taking out the bad guys? I guess every world like this needs someone like that. Someone to balance all the death and chaos. I don't know, this book seems very dark for my liking. It's getting all gangsta driven and serious, and that's okay, but usually a book has that conflict of good vs evil, this is different, I can't quite work out who is good or not aha

I guess that adds to the mystery. 

Chapter 3.5 

This chapter was the perfect length for me. Personally, I refer reading shorter chapters because they hook me more and if I become confused by something I can easily visit that chapter and find what I need, instead of scrolling for ages. 

This chapter severely confused me. I don't remember there ever being a warehouse, I thought he was tied up in the back of the restaurant? Kraken also mentioned that he jumped out of a window, but he walked back through the restaurant after putting the tongue onto ice? So I was confused at that. I understand you're going through editing, so you might be editing the first chapter to fit with it, but for now it doesn't collaborate. 

This "Li" assassin confused me more. If he left Darius alive after killing Reggie (which I don't remember Darius seeing either) then why would Darius assume he's after him? He would have killed him there and then, so why is Darius in danger? I think you should revisit and explain more.

Nonetheless, I'm still impressed by your pacing and writing style. It truly is captivating and a piece of art. 

Seeing Kraken scared of the assassin also added an exciting twist into the chapter. I'd like to see Darius and Li joining forces to take on Kraken, that'd be awesome! Even though Kraken wouldn't admit he's scared of Li, he obviously is. 

Alex also posed a fresh character perspective. They're all such careless bad asses, but this book seems to have a lot of them. Hopefully a reunion between Darius and Zee will shift the balance! I'm looking forward to that :-D

Chapter 4

This was my favorite chapter by far. I loved the scene when the ghosts were trying to lure Darius into the Further, and he went into it. I was thinking in the last chapter about him meeting the ghosts of the dead to get answers, and it was brilliant. It was explained well with him coming back to reality at the party. I wonder why he has to have weed to travel there though? Does he need to be completely relaxed? 

He's definitely a risk taker! 

I found the "chinese vs japenese" scenario to be quite comical, but I think Darius is right, there's more intent there from Li. This can't just be about waging a war on the Japanese, and then when you mentioned Darius running into someone else that may have powers, I kept wondering if that IS Li.

Maybe that's why Li spared him, they have the same gifts, or similar gifts. It would make a pretty epic twist, especially if they worked together or if Li trained Darius. 

I'm probably getting ahead of myself, it might be someone completely different aha 

What I'd like to know more about is how Kraken and Li know each other, because Kraken mentioned that there's no "bad blood" between them. So did Li work for him? Or did Li help Kraken to be on top? 

Why has he returned?? Mysterious!

Okay, the ending, woah!!! So if Pathos paints a face on its own, it shows Darius who his next target is? I thought he worked for Kraken? What exactly does Pathos reveal? Who is working agaist Darius? Who Death himself wants to die?

The face is Zee, though. No :(((((( 

Can't he go against what it paints? Or does he HAVE to kill what it paints? So conflicting!

Okay, overall, I thought the book was well-written, brilliantly detailed and effortlessly hooking. In my own personal preference, the chapters were too long, but I know that some readers prefer longer chapters, and authors prefer writing them, so I'll try not to be too biased with that. 

There were no physical errors that I could find, which proves that you are an amazing and well-established author. There were just some parts which were confusing to the plot and will need reviewing. This is one of those books that I can see going somewhere higher than Wattpad, and it not only deserves recognition, but it certainly deserves to be on a bookshelf one day. 

It was easy to read, flowed appropriately and you created each character with individual traits that stood out and made them their own. 

The darkness inside of it, however, was a little draining. I'd work on issuing some "lighter" scenes in the progression of the book, just to give readers a break with reading about death and violence. 

Overall Rating: 8/10

Recommended: Yes!