Book Title: Starstruck 

Review: Payment

Chapter 1, 2, 3, 4

Chapter 1

It was a good start. I like Hunter, she seems a bit like a maniac aha but she's one of those characters I'd love to hang out with and play games with! She sure does love her games! I couldn't really tell if she was so easy-going that she forgets she's an actress or if she's stuck-up and loves the attention. And that's why I liked her, there's a little two-sided mystery there. The phone call with her manager was fun to read, and the fact she had her own ringtone had me in stitches! Very funny!

Not much else happened. Which is okay for a first chapter. It was nice to not have too much going on or character-overload, it was quite simple but really brought out Hunter's personality boldly. I'm curious why she won't date, maybe she's scared of commitment or is too picky? I mean, if she don't want Brad, I'll take him ;-)

It seems like an interesting plot. A big movie-star with a love for games and eccentric, funny thoughts. What character did she play in Robin Hood? Maid Marian? :O

I'm from Nottinghamshire (like 10 mins away from where Robin Hood "lived") so I love anything to do with Robin Hood aha I know it's fiction but I really wanna see this movie! ;-D

OKAY, I'm drifting, back to reviewing.

I'm glad your main focus for me was grammar because it's where your main mistakes were. Always remember that it's a new line for a new speaker, never put two different speakers in the same paragraph. Big grammar no no!

I pointed most of these out :)

Some sentence structure mistakes, not big ones, but there's places where commas need to be added after dialogue tags.

Like:

"Where did you go?" she asked, flipping her hair.  < always separate the dialogue tag from the action the speaker is making with a comma.

There were a couple of tense switches. It randomly switched to present in the middle aha make sure to keep it in past.

I think the chapter could be worked on a little with the grammar and sentence structures, but I enjoyed it. 

The ending though, try not to write an author's note in the same format as the chapter. Put a few spaces and bold it, writing A/N, so readers know it's an author's note and not part of the chapter. 

Chapter 2

Okay, what I'm struggling with is your dialogue and sentence structures. They just feel too schoolish and amateur. You write this chapter with Hunter and Ace having some kind of prank war in the beginning (which is funny) but their conversations don't really give me much to go on to separate them individually. 

Even though it's in Ace's POV, I still feel like I'm reading Hunter's POV. Does that make sense? Like, as an author, when changing POV you need to really make it believable that this is another character and well, the opposite gender. They just sound a little like kids, and I want some maturity from them, just some parts that I can relate to because I'm not a teenager. 

It all just happened so fast. There's three weeks of chemistry and pranks that we've missed because you've completely skipped it. I don't know how I can connect to this new character and POV when he's just shared some history and memories with Hunter that I haven't experienced as a reader. 

Like, when he kissed her at the end, what I should be saying is "yes, yes, yes, finally, yes!" but because I don't have a clue what they've been like with each other for three weeks, it held no instinctual reaction for me. I don't think having it in Ace's POV this soon was a good idea, that's entirely your choice, but I need to get to know Hunter first.

Her first day at camp, were people nice to her? did they recognize her? How did she become the head girl? Were there any of the girls she didn't get on with? How did she meet Ace and how did the prank wars start?

If you wrote the actual camp scenes, I think that would clear up some blank spaces and create such a funny and enjoyable situation. But now we'll be reading about a friendship/relationship we never saw happen. 

I really like Hunter and I think she's awesome. Her pranks are golden and she has such an admirable sense of humor. 

Again, there were a few errors with your dialogue and grammar. New line for a new speaker! It's confusing me with who is speaking when you're placing two speakers in the same paragraph!

Take your time with it, slow it down, add detail and better character development. Show us what you can do with your humor while Hunter is at camp. Even if it's just for a couple more chapters, it's better than reading it all in one. 

Chapter 3

I think, for a nice little read on a Saturday afternoon to cheer up your day, it's great. It's fun, it's jumpy, it's fast, it's got enthusiastic characters and curious love plots. 

But for a professional and serious book? No. Sorry. 

I feel like I'm in the mind of a child and that's distracting me from taking it seriously. I don't get all these POV switches, and these time jumps, and how Ace and Hunter even met at camp and became this way. I'm not fond of teen fiction stories at all, but that's my own opinion, there are lots out there that are.

I'm not sure what the plot even is?? Like the main problem of the chapter right now is that Lizzie is feeling jealous of Hunter and Aerial. High school kid drama, not my thing. I'm not certain where it's developing to or what exactly is meant to have happened. Are Hunter and Ace already dating? It's just skipping over the plot that was Hunter being "unattainable." I'm sorry if it develops further than this and I've just written nonsense aha but that's the jist I'm getting from this chapter alone.

I just feel like it should kind of stay in Hunter's POV. I'm not finding Lizzie's POV any different or enjoyable, and it's all happening so fast that I haven't even connected to one character yet before you're plying me with the next one's POV haha

Most authors don't change POV until around the tenth chapter, so readers can get used to one character first. If this is the approach you want to take, then by all means do it, but I'm not finding it as good as Hunter's. :(

There were mistakes again, mainly ones that I've pointed out in previous chapters with the dialogue, new lines for new speakers, separating dialogue tags from actions and including commas where they're needed to avoid run-ons.

But a main focus for me would be to just stabilize your characters. There's too much kid nonsense happening and not enough mature and real-life emotion. 

Take your time with it, and add some detail :) It all comes with experience, you're a very good writer, don't get me wrong, I think your writing in some parts is amazing. You have great potential to be a successful writer, you just need to have that original plot there.

Chapter 4

Oh my god there's another POV switch -_-

I'm sorry but I'm confused. I'm so confused. I don't know who's an actor, who's on a movie set, I thought Ace was going on set with her but now he's suddenly a sport's man that wants a career in sports?

How does Hunter know all these people? Where are the back stories? The POV changes is making is so confusing and frustrating to understand. You might know exactly what's going on because you wrote it, but I'm squinting at the screen wondering which one they're even talking about.

I'm really sorry, but for me, it's just not my kind of story. Their conversations are too childish and cliche, there's nothing there that suggests they're individual. This is my biggest nightmare. Not because of your writing or because of the book, just because I really don't like teen fiction books with teenagers aha so that's not your fault.

I think others might love this and might follow it until the end, but I can't praise it when I'm not connecting to it. I like to read books in one POV or two to three at most. But writing every single chapter in a new narration is amateur and very confusing.

I don't know who the main character is? Every book needs a protagonist, and I have no clue who that is.

I need back stories, information, gentle coaxing, slower pacing and epic character development to make me go wow. But you can't develop characters when you're only giving them a chapter of thoughts. 

And again, what is the plot? I really don't understand the plot, I'm sorry :( is it just all of them liking different people and talking about movie sets and the craziest things they've ever done? I'm four chapters in and I feel like I'm rereading the same chapter with a different setting, that is my genuine 100% honest opinion.

I think you've got talent and potential for writing, I just don't know if this book is original enough to express it to older ages (like me, I'm old, aha). But have no fear, if writing is what you're committed to and you give all your effort into it, then you'll grow into a very great author. 

For now, it needs editing. It's entirely your choice what style you want your book to be in, if writing in different POV's is your own creative spin on a book, then don't change it. Some readers will like it, some won't. I, unfortunately, don't, but there's so many out there that will. It's your book, write it how you want to tell your story, just be think hard about what that story is and how it's going to progress and develop into a hooking and original novel.

I like some of the characters, they seem fun and crazy, especially Hunter aha, that Vegas trip had me laughing. There's elements of your writing that is really funny but try not to make it too cliche. 

Ace is a complex character. I've not really heard him speak much so I can't really give an opinion on him. I'm guessing he just likes sports a lot aha and the introduction of Author was very complex too, who is he? I can't remember him being mentioned before.

Remember to introduce characters slowly! Don't over-whelm us aha :)

Like I said before, for a quick enjoyable read, it's great. I personally wouldn't read it because it's not my reading preference, but so what? Keep writing and wowing!

Improvements:

Grammar [dialogue, new line new speaker]

Pacing

Characters

Detail

Background info

Vocabulary [It's pretty bland. Try using more complex words]

Maturity [for older generations if you want to appeal to them]

POV development [try to make each character their own]

Good luck!

Overall Rating: 5/10

Recommended: Yes for younger readers