Book Title: The Monster Within

Review: Free

Blurb, Chapter 1

Blurb:

The blurb makes the story sound interesting and dark. Who doesn't love a betrothal to a sadistic King? There's not too much given away, and there's not too little that I'm left wondering "um... huh?" it was professionally written and as a reader I'm thinking: "Someone save her!" before I've even clicked chapter 1 haha I'm interested to know what time this is set in and what this "kingdom" is all about. Is she a princess? An heiress? Snow White? Can't wait to find out!

Chapter 1

Only one word to describe it - brilliant!

Okay first of all, how does one pronounce Clarisse? Is it Claris or Clarissay or Clareece?

Anyway, lol, oh wow! I'm not usually impressed but you've impressed me. The descriptions-oh GOD the descriptions- they were haunting and beautifully horrible. I love how it gives off a snow white vibe and then Clarisse herself is mocking the mirrors, was that sarcasm? She must have read snow white ;-)

From start to finish I was transfixed on this girl. Her attitude makes it all that more enjoyable as she's delirious and taunting her mother, rather than begging to be released, some of that warrior side is definitely inside of her. 

So, her mother locked her up because her father wanted Clarisse to rule? She's an heir, it's her right! I really want to know more about the kingdom, the people, do you they believe Clarisse to be dead? Do they know what's going on? 

I just loved their exchange, both of their personalities funnily counteract each other. And the "kill" command was very dark! I'm wondering if maybe her mother has a plan for Clarisse to marry the King and then kill him to gain control of another kingdom. I just hope she kills her mother instead!

There's tiny grammar mistakes, but I think I got them all, once they're corrected this chapter will be perfect. Just remember this little rule, when including a dialogue tag (a speaker) a capital isn't given unless it's a name, and a comma is used. When including an action, a period is given. Example:

"You are to be kept here until you learn discipline," the Queen said. 

"But you are not in your right frame of mind," she muttered.

Only use a period at the end of speech when it's an action, such as:

"Don't be like that." She turned away and held her breath for a moment, before turning back. "There's no other way."

Apart from that it all flowed amazingly. The only other critique I will make is Clarisse's use of "mother" in almost every dialogue speech. She says mother a lot despite stating that Jocelyn shouldn't call her a daughter. In my own opinion it would make it more powerful if you put the mother into italics, so it's obvious that Clarisse doesn't actually view her as a mother.

"Do you actually care, mother?" 

Because she repeats it too much, and us as readers know who she's talking to. Placing emphasis on words just makes the sentence a lot more intense. 

The ending! Ah! I'm glad that she's finally being let out, but I fear a worse fate is waiting for her. She deserves her own throne, not to bend to the will of someone else's! Her "mother" is just a jerk, and you made me hate her in the first chapter, so bravo to you.

I would certainly go as far to say it's hooking and enchanting. Your writing style is so calm and almost poetic, it was a joy to read. You've got talent and a long career ahead of you. Well done!

Overall Rating: 8/10

Recommended: Yes!