Book Title: Mirage 

Review: Free

Prologue, Chapter 1

Prologue:

I didn't really find it necessary. A prologue is supposed to offer information that is separate from the chapters and holds an important part of mystery. Whereas you explained what is happening and pretty much the entire plot in the prologue. I'd recommend having a time titled at the top so it's clearer when the prologue is set. Such as: months from now, weeks from now, months ago.

And then in chapter 1 include:

Today or present day

It was a little cringy. A little too teen-fiction to me. Mother's calling their children "dear" just make me want to headbutt a wall. 

The grammar could be improved. Example, if she's having a direct thought place it in italics not speech marks. Example:

It's just a stupid crush, I thought to myself. It will never turn into anything.

Don't make a direct thought longer than this, anything longer is an un direct thought. 

And when she speaks to her mother put it on a separate line, away from her thoughts. 

And the ending should be:

"Of course you can. We'll manage all of that," Dad said, smiling. 

Not "Dad smiled." As that is an action.

It was short, but it kind of told me everything I shouldn't know. She has a crush, he doesn't know she exists, she's moving and she both cares and doesn't care. I'm a little concerned with the plot, not going to lie, it sounds a little cliche. But I'll see what happens in the first chapter, you might blow my mind, who knows? ;)

I think this prologue could use a little more detail, thoughts and some interesting back story to make it more hooking and compelling, if it's in the past, then it definitely needs something to strengthen it. It's just too short and blunt, try making her explain some of her feelings in a slow and calm way.

Chapter 1

Actually I was a little impressed. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would, damn you. Luna's sweet and funny and I love her charisma. I would have liked to see a bit more thoughts in the chapter though, it was a tad crammed with dialogue, just make sure to balance them. 

The most important thing missing for me, are descriptions. Adjectives, setting, funky words that create an image, use them! :) It's really lacking descriptions in places so it's hard to imagine what's around her or where she is.

Interestingly, even though there was a lot of characters introduced, it didn't feel over-whelming. They were introduced one at a time, their voices didn't reign above each other's and some of their conversations were actually quite humorous. 

Your dialogue grammar is great in some places, but there's some spacing issues with them. Like this, the first line:

I gulped." I'm sorry, Cole."  << make sure the first speech mark doesn't have a space between the first letter. 

Correction:

I gulped. "I'm sorry, Cole."

There was issues like this throughout the chapter with the dialogue, so just read through and make sure to space your dialogue tags/actions away from the speech marks.

I liked that opening of the chapter though. It was different to read a break-up in the beginning of a book aha that really connected me to Luna's character and her kind of quirkiness. I just imagined her waking up that morning like:

Today's the day I'm breaking up with him.

The pacing is a confusing one. Some parts fast, some parts slow, hm. At least it wasn't all fast, so I'll let that one slide, but maybe work on those fast parts a little and create a more mature and steady pace.

Why do I get the feeling that her parents are going back to California for their "business trip"? Maybe she hitches a ride and goes back to the land of crushes? It's interesting how she won't stay in a relationship or go on dates because of this one person that she's probably never spoken with, that's a tad obsessive haha 

It feels like New York has enhanced her self-esteem and gave her more confidence, with her ability to make friends and have a job, so if she does meet him again, I guess she'll be a kind of different person and that might appeal to him more.

What is it about him? His hair, his teeth, his charm? If he's a typical "bad boy" then that will just fall into the list of cliche and overused plots of Wattpad. Make him different, make him good, make him something that girls actually want to be with. 

For an introduction, I liked it. It sparked a few questions and answered a few questions, I think Luna is secretly feisty and hard-to-get and that makes me like her more.

Just remember to include more details and setting, but this could potentially be a really good book, well done :)

Overall Rating: 6/10

Recommended: Yes