Book Title: We're Just Girls

Review: Free

Blurb, Chapter 1

Blurb:

This sounds really interesting. I like the idea that four girls all wanted to kill someone, but only one did and they didn't do it together. I can already sense the paranoia and suspicion, and you're probably going to make us keep guessing through the book who it is! The title makes it sound like some cheesy, chick-flick teen fiction, I wasn't expecting this kind of twisted "girl" power haha. 

Chapter 1

Um.

Okay.

Your writing is like this.

For the entire chapter.

And it's very confusing. Do you see why?

It's confusing.

When it's written like this.

And there's names everywhere.

Dialogue here.

Dialogue there.

Who is saying what?

I don't know.

When it's written like this, it's less confusing and doesn't scramble my brain into a million pieces. HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF PARAGRAPHS? I understand if you're trying a new writing style or something by having short sentences in the middle section, but it's not working. I couldn't pay attention to anything because it's not a SENTENCE.

That's my first criticism. Write to the left << write sentences longer, write paragraphs like a book lol and please don't keep that format if you want people to continue reading it.

Next criticism is the characters. One moment there's Natalie, then there's Julian, then Zach, then Reagan then Clary and I'm like "WOW, WOW STOP!" slow down, you're over-whelming me! 

You asked me to focus on the narration, my advice is to switch it to first. The entire third person narration confused the heck out of me, sorry to say, but I didn't have a clue whose POV it's meant to be in. I assumed Natalie because it began with her, but then you started putting Clary's thoughts in there and I'm like "Is there a POV change? Where was it?" 

Grammar!

Oh dear lord. It's okay. This is why you requested help, just please listen. Many don't listen, I am only trying to help you. This isn't my opinion, this is grammar rules. Here we go. I'm going to break this down into the smallest steps because some people get confused.

Dialogue tags. 

Dialogue tags are who is speaking. Examples:

"he said, she said, they said, we said, a voice said, the teacher said, questioned the girl, said the boy, the girl laughed etc..." 

So when they are put into a sentence, as follows:

"I'm just having fun," she answered innocently. < there is no capital of "she" and there is a comma before the end of the speech marks not a period. 

"Take me there," he whispered.

"Did you get it approved?" a voice questioned suddenly.

"I'll go this way," they said together.

No capital. Comma.

It is really important that you use a comma and not a period.  

Actions. 

Actions are not dialogue tags. They are describing someone's actions after they speak and you place a period before the end speech marks and you do include a capital. Examples:

"I'm just having fun." She waved a hand toward the man at the far end of the street.

"Take me there." His eyes fell soft like snow, giving me a look of adorable awe.

"I'll go this way." I started to walk, only I didn't get very far.

Including periods is very important when including an action. Be careful not to get actions or dialogue tags mixed up!

Let me know here if you don't understand this, I'm only trying to help!

Okay. Lol. Moving on.

From what I could extract from the quite messy chapter, there's a video tape, Natalie hates her boyfriend but it isn't clear if she has actually killed him or not, and then we meet some random people who say some things that I associate with teen fiction cheesiness. Was this video taken at the party that Natalie keeps thinking about? What happened? Mystery! Suspense! Woo

So, Landon has been missing for a few days. And then someone goes to the effort of digging up his body or whatever and bringing him into a classroom UNSEEN. Bizarre. The ending kind of reminded me of "I know what you did last summer" and it has that chilling horror vibe to it which is a good direction to take. I'm not quite sure what to make of her yet, because you've introduced a lot of characters at once before I could. 

But just put more detail in there. Dear god, put more PARAGRAPHS in there. You need to take your time, slow the pace, it's all very fast, very jumpy, very confusing and I was over-whelmed. That's the truth, I'm sorry if it's blunt. Please don't kill me lol I mean well<3

Example:

The door to the classroom creaked open, and Natalie's eyes gazed through, one moment in tiredness, and then the next in complete terror. Before anyone else could react, or scream, Natalie had already processed the sight before her. Her boyfriend, Landon, sat in the teacher's chair--unmoving, lifeless, with no sign of ever returning back to her.

^ paragraphs. detail. :)

I think you've got the imagination and creativity there, and I definitely think if you have a better understanding of grammar and pacing this would be an awesome read. For now, for me, it just isn't readable because of the short sentences. I'm really sorry if that isn't what you want to hear, but I'm trying to push you to make those improvements. There are parts where your writing is very creative and snappy (in a thriller way) but other parts let it down. So I don't know.

I think this is such a great plot and I'd love to continue reading this once it's been edited. These are my favorite kind of thrillers, but I just need to be able to connect to the characters in a mature way. I can't stand all that high school stuff.

Good luck with the story <3

Overall Rating: 4/10

Recommended: When edited