Book Title: Butterfly Kisses

Review: Payment

Chapter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

Before you read, I'd just like to say I've literally spent hours on this. So please listen and respond lol 

Chapter 1

First thing I picked up on, the author's note. Don't place it so close to the first paragraph, leave a few spaces. 

Okay. Lots of mistakes. Grammar and spelling included. I made you aware of them through inline comments, so please take notice. 

Moving on from them, the problem with the chapter is the inconsistency of present time and past. So in the beginning, she's having her wings removed, there's an arena of people watching. Then you go into a full-blown back story of the Faes and I have no fricken clue what's happening in present day anymore. You need to make it consistent, you can't write something that's happening in present day at the beginning and then write lots of paragraphs about her life. There was too much back story! Leave some mystery, slowly drop the events of the past as the chapters progress with her thoughts, don't put it all in one go.

Suddenly she's "falling towards land" is that present day again or still past? Does the arena happen before or after the ending? Because of all the information in the middle, I'm confused as to what's already happened and what is happening now. You need to make it clearer.

The ending is in present tense. Example:

"I still have my magic" 

"My body is quite strange"

But the whole chapter is written in past. Okay, so, is the book itself written in present tense but the beginning is a memory from her past? 

Before all the back story happened, the light swallowed her up and I imagine she's plummeting towards life as a human. Why is she thinking about her entire life while she's falling? You don't put about her falling or where she's going until near the ending.

So, just try to break it up. Shorten the backstory, and like I said before, drop it in slowly throughout the chapters, this was written like a prologue. 

Try not to talk to us readers. Example: (you get the point) when you talk to us, you're talking to us as an author, not as a character, and we'll disconnect from the story.

Okay, apart from all that, there is talent with your descriptions and your writing skill as a whole comes across well. The pacing of the paragraphs is well balanced and I'm very interested to know what's happening to her and what her "mission" is. Something tells me being human, or losing her wings, might just be a gift.

Chapter 2

The beginning is good. I like how she's adjusting to her surroundings and going off Netflix series haha she doesn't seem as confused as she probably should be. 

There's just something that's bugging me in this chapter, in NO way would a woman invite a stranger to stay in her house, young girl or not, it wouldn't happen. Their introduction was too fast and unrealistic, the woman invited her to sleep the night without even learning her name first. 

If I walked up to a stranger's house and told them that I was lost because I had just moved nearby, they'd probably come out of their house to either look with me, or call the police to help me. Inviting me to sleep there would be the last resort, not the first. I just didn't find that realistic in the slightest.

Also, when the woman speaks, you use a lot of exclamation marks. Tone them down. It's just coming across as amateur. It isn't helping for character development, because I'd expect a grown woman (with a son) to talk more slowly and professionally, it's not coming across that way. She comes across as an excited child. 

Try to take your time with writing, don't rush it. Make their introductions slower, pacing is key for a good story. Example:

"Oh, your car broke down? Do you remember where roughly you moved to?"

"I don't," I said, scanning around the neighbor in a fake confusion. "I'm really scared."

"Okay. I'll try to help you," she said. "This neighborhood can get a little rough. Why don't you come inside and we'll try and contact your parents?"

You know? Just make it more realistic. A woman would want her parents to be notified of where she is. 

The Grimm scene was okay. It is a highly big coincidence that she's studying them, maybe it is destiny for them to meet. I wonder what magic she has though, I know she has a wand and can add makeup, but is there a limit? What extent of magic can she use? I can't wait to find out!

Chapter 3

So we met Pierce. I like him, he seems nice, cooking her breakfast is something not even boyfriend's do, never mind a stranger. This chapter was better, each chapter improves. When you write her thoughts, it's amazing and I feel what she's feeling and you describe everything wonderfully, which is a sign of a very gifted author!

What I notice you struggle with is your dialogues. They're not spaced properly from sentences. Read through it and make sure there's a gap between the speech and the punctuation. There's some that are crammed together. Don't be afraid to write a dialogue on its own. 

"Better get ready then," I said. 

"Yep, there's not a lot of time," he replied.

You tend to place your dialogues with giant paragraphs or actions, try writing them separately, give them space :)

I'm confused by how she's even at school. Doesn't she need to enroll? Or will they just let anyone roam around the halls and sit in on classes? Make it clearer in her thoughts about how she's going to realistically be a student there. Will she use magic? If she's got missions to complete why is she so bothered about school anyway? 

I like how she's drifting from her responsibilities, and becoming tied in high school will certainly grant her a taste of human life. I'm just confused by how she's still at Beatrice's house, why Beatrice hasn't tried to contact her "parents" directly, and where she's going to go after school because she wouldn't just casually go back to Beatrice's house, they met the day before.

It's just not realistic, sorry.

Chapter 4

Again, there's no mention of how she's even able to be sitting in class. Why is no one questioning that she's new? Why is no one asking her where she's from? 

I thought this was a funny chapter! She's very blunt aha and using her charm to lure guys in is very sneaky! 

I do thoroughly enjoy being in her thoughts, you write her with such a grace and maturity, but then she uses her magic and proves she's a badass being roped in by the evil that is high school haha

What if it turns out that Ryan has a girlfriend? Lol, #awkward

I really want to see what happens when she eventually catches a fairy tale character. She mentioned that their memories are wiped, so doesn't that mean that they could be anyone? How does she even find them? 

The plot itself is very fascinating. Points on originality! Help me, I'm starting to enjoy this!

Chapter 5

Again, take your time with dialogues! That whole thing with Emma was so rushed and scattered. Some pointers for grammar. A period should be placed before an action, a comma before a speaker. Example:

"That's cute." She got up, throwing a cheerleader's shirt at me. 

"You're new." She chewed her gum faster. 

Period before an action! The dialogue's definitely need editing. Make sure to space the quotation marks away from the punctuation. 

I'm really trying to help you here, grammar is essential. 

This was all very high school. And I know that sounds silly as it's set in high school, but even with the fantasy element of what she is, it's still coming across as cliche. It's the dialogues that are making it hard for me to enjoy it, I have no problem with the thought processes, they're great, apart from spelling mistakes. It just needs editing! Hugely editing, I don't know how else to put it haha 

I'd edit that entire conversation with Emma. I find it so cool that she can use charms on people and make them like her just like that, I'm just confused by why she's still at high school?? Is there a fairy tale character there? Why does she need a boyfriend to locate one? Why is she wasting her time? Have I missed something, I can't remember her saying that there was a fairy tale character at the school..

Chapter 6

First thing. 

"I left it at home" < home? She's viewing Beatrice's house as home? Why? How? She's been there a day? How could it possibly be her home?

Reading further, I know now she's got her own house. Maybe include this at the beginning to avoid confusion.

Okay this chapter was much better! There was less dialogue so it was easier to read. Most of it is just a party scene, not much to comment about, it was pretty slow. 

But then BOOM. Okay. Didn't see that coming! You definitely turned up the heat! Particular reason why she's seducing a cheerleader? lol everything she's doing is exactly like a normal teenager would, I don't know if that's the point or not, but in my opinion she's swaying from who and what she is quickly and early on instead of gradually bringing it out over the book (which would be more powerful)

I liked the little flashbacks into her past, that added a nice touch and a sad touch. It was horrible the way she was captured and sentenced. Why is there always an evil queen that has to mess with the lives of others? Argh!

The sex scene. Wow. Very steamy and unexpected. I suppose the thoughts of the mission have clearly disappeared from her mind aha I'm interested to see what happens next!

Chapter 7

Oh how awkward! Lol! I found it hilarious that Felix was the one asking who the girl was and what happened, rather than the other way around. She must have been completely out of it!

Short chapter. It feels very rushed. When she answers the door, describe Pierce standing there, instead of her just speaking. 

Don't rush to get a chapter out there. When I update, I literally write it, read it, re-write it, read it again, re-write it. If it takes 2 weeks, it takes 2 weeks, I'd rather my readers be slightly impressed than disappointed. In a book, NO chapter should be a filler chapter. It should all connect, it should all be significant to the plot. An author should never be pressured into writing a "filler chapter" because they're slow on updating. Because as readers, we know that you've rushed it and hold no care for it. I'd rather read something you care about and put effort into.

Even with that being said though, I feel like this chapter was important. It shows her drifting from her responsibilities and how reckless she's becoming and how she's beginning to notice it. I wonder if her human emotions are taking over her, and that's why she's more susceptible to alcohol and dancing etc.. it's an interesting dynamic.

Chapter 8

Omg, a visit from the Queen! Things just got exciting! It was a little uncalled for that she beat the human though, she should know better than to blame the body the Queen was possessing. That wasn't good character development, it made her out to be a thug. 

Again though, and I can't say this enough, read up on the rules of grammar for dialogue tags. I'm finding it hard to read the dialogues, when someone speaks, I'm squinting. Just read through all the chapters thoroughly and focus solely on the speech marks and try to altar them according to appropriate rules. It's not something I can teach in just one critique, but there are many grammar sites you can look up to help you. 

The main issue is commas and periods and when to use them. Do not use a comma before an action, only use a period. I've made an example of using action above in another chapter critique. It applies here too. But here's another example of when to use commas periods:

"I don't know you," I said. "Why are you here?"  < speaker. Comma is used in the first half.

"I don't know you." I squinted my eyes and smiled darkly. "Why are you here?" < she's using an action, period is used in the first half.

Honestly, once you've got your grammar on point, this book will be incredible. The plot is completely fascinating and you've got a very vivid imagination for creating it, but if you want to progress PLEASE listen to what I'm saying. If you want to be taken seriously and have a strong book then learning these grammar pointers are essential to getting there. 

I wish I could tell you it's just my own opinion and you can ignore it, but I can't and you can't, it's grammar.

I know I've been very blunt, but I wouldn't have been able to progress if someone hadn't have been that blunt with me. I think you have great potential, and your writing is amazing in some places. It won't be long before you're writing flawless material, but for now, it needs editing.

Overall Rating: 5/10 

Recommended: Yes, when edited.