Book Title: Summer Island

Review: Payment

Prologue, Chapter 1, 2, 3, 4

Note: Thank you for being patient with me. No matter what I say in this critique you know I adore you and I appreciate all the help and support you give me. Thanks for being amazing <3

Prologue:

I enjoyed the start. There were lots of spelling mistakes which I pointed out, every single one aha, most of them are kind of repetitive, you just forget to add "s" to the end of the words. Despite all that though, it was clear to read and I could understand what was happening at all times. As you're learning English, I think you've done an amazing job. I can tell what you're trying to say even if the words are a little jumbled and to me that means you're going in the right direction. 

I liked the phone call at the beginning, it showed who Lana is and a little glimmer into her personality where she'd rather sleep than go out. I'm exactly the same, I'd rather sleep lol! What I would have liked to see more of is a bit more description. Such as describing Lana's surroundings in a bit more detail, using adjectives.

Example:

Lana gazes around her cream-colored bedroom, her eyes lingering from her posters to her high-hoisted book case. For a moment, she contemplates reading a book, but then a light, serene yawn comes from her lips and her head rests against her soft, inviting pillow.

Just add some more detail as it was quite rushed. 

Now, to the CRAZY part of chapter. Holy hell! I did not see that coming! I thought she was just waking up in pain in her own bed, like having a muscle spasm or something, you aren't playing around, are you?

So many questions. Why did he choose Lana? Why did he take her only to kill her? Is she dead, or did he just knock her unconscious? Why would he wear a mask if he's going to kill her? That makes me think either she isn't dead or she knows who he is!

This got dark so fast and it was awesome! I'm not exactly feeling sorry for Lana, simply for the reason that I don't know her well enough, but I'm holding on to the hope that she is alive and fights back.

I thought I had a dark side, but damn girl. 

It was mysterious, suspenseful and very interesting for a prologue. 

Who is he??!!!

Just things to work on are a slower pace, spelling mistakes and add some detail! :)

BUT, I see that you've been paying close attention to these critiques because your grammar is ON POINT. Your grammar is literally perfect. Ten points for Gryffindor!

Moving on :)

Chapter 1

I'm a little on the bias side with this chapter, it did sound and feel a lot like a teen fiction. I'm not saying it's bad, I'm just saying it's not my preference. The dialogue was too immature for me and it didn't create that thriller vibe that I wanted.

I wasn't expecting Lana to be mentioned again, as she "died" in the prologue, I thought that was an introduction to the killer and what he does, rather than Lana being a main character. Honestly, the people she's left behind her "friends" or whatever, don't seem to actually care about her at all, like the way they slag her off and that Joyce is jealous of her. I didn't like the way she referred to her as "bitch" when she was asking Nathan where she was, that just made me dislike her more lol 

The pacing is a little too fast again, it just needs more of a slower pace to describe the surroundings and what the people look like. Remember you're writing this in Joyce's POV so try to include more thoughts and direction into Joyce's character.

Right. I'M CONFUSED WITH THE TENSE. In the prologue it was written in present tense, i.e

says, does, goes, smiles etc..

but in this chapter, it's written in past. 

That's confused me, because that means the prologue was written like it was happening right now, but the events after it are written in the past like it happened before the prologue. Please try to stick to one tense. If you're sticking to past, then write the prologue in past and replace all those spelling mistakes I corrected with "d" instead of "s".

So, if past:

smiled, said, whimpered, asked, kissed, closed etc..

That's just confused me now because it means that all the corrections I gave you won't work until you pick a tense to write in ahaha #I still love you Didi <3

 Again, even though it's not your native language, I can still understand what is happening. Your English is still really good for a learner, but your grammar and spelling aside, I just need more umph from the chapter. It's a thriller, make it a little darker! You end it that she's going home and that does nothing for me :( 

Is she thinking about where Lana is? Does she hear a noise as she's leaving? Does she feel like someone might be watching her? 

That creepy darkness is within you so bring it out, girl!

Chapter 2

This was a lot better. It's still fast paced, but the suspense was excellent! I kept jumping from who I think the killer is. First I thought the bus driver, then the new student who had coincidentally moved to town a few days ago which matches Lana's disappearance, then I started wondering "what if it's one of her friends?" I don't know, ah!!

So, Lana was killed at home? I didn't know this from the prologue, maybe you should make that clearer in the prologue by including what she sees around her own bedroom, I thought the killer had taken her somewhere. 

Descriptions! This is why they're important!

Also, where are her parents? Are they out of town? On vacation? Surely they'd notice their daughter missing for days or dead upstairs. That confused me. 

Another thing, sorry, blood and maggots?! lol 

How is she bleeding when the killer didn't cut her? He smothered her. And how is her body covered with maggots when she's in her bedroom on her bed? Did he place the maggots there? If he didn't it's unrealistic, sorry. :(

Still, it was an awesome ending! At least her body has finally been found! On her birthday though! Aw :(

It's getting more intense and suspenseful, I just wish the high school kids could talk more maturely so I can connect to them, unfortunately I can't. 

It's a very good build up and idea though, once you get the hang of English and sentence structures, you'll be all set to take thriller by storm!

Chapter 3

Okay, this chapter moved so fast. All the time jumps made it a little messy. The beginning is not realistic as a body will be released after a murder investigation of at least 2-3 weeks, sometimes more. It wouldn't be a few days. They'd need to do toxic screens to see if there were any chemicals in her system, then they'd cut her open and look into her stomach. Then they'd look at her physical wounds and cause of death, while working with investigators who will be there for the M.E report and if the cause of death is asphyxiation. (suffocation)

Examining a body thoroughly takes a while, especially while waiting for results to come back. It takes a while if it isn't murder. So, I'd make the time jump at least a couple of weeks later.

The funeral, also, was beautifully described but fast. In my personal opinion, I think a whole chapter could have been dedicated to that. 

So, Drew's been missing since Lana's body was discovered? That would make it two weeks later in realistic time. So he's been missing for two weeks? Is the town organizing search parties with the police? Is there woodland areas to cover? 

In the back of my mind I'm thinking Nathan is the killer. Maybe he knew about Lana and Drew's affair and took revenge on them and is then going to take revenge on everyone that knew about it, including Joyce and Mia. Oooh, am I right? :-D

I love speculating!

It's building up even better now, the suspense and questions are killing me!! There's still some small issues with your spelling but I'm not too bothered at this stage. I'm more interested in watching Joyce lose her temper and beat people up ahaha 

Chapter 4

Oh my goodness! Great chapter! You wrote this with flu? It was the best chapter yet! I laughed so hard when Joyce took out a perfume bottle as a weapon, that's something I'd do! aha 

I like how you're showing how paranoid Joyce is becoming and that she might think she's next. Who knows, she might be? 

I can't 100% remember who Rana is because it takes me a while to get used to characters, but an affair with a teacher shocked me! It's like twist after twist with these characters, I don't know who to trust or who I hope is going to be killed next.

Does the killer have a hit list of teenagers? He's going through these kids one by one. It reminds me of a horror more than a thriller, but I'm loving the mystery!

I genuinely think it's Nathan taking revenge for the affair. But, then, he was at the party thing so he has an alibi, or does he...?

He knew Lana was going to sleep because she told him on the phone. He was also her boyfriend so he'd know where the spare keys were. It makes sense that it's someone they all know, I just can't figure out who yet. Hm!

What a talented thriller writer you are! I've loved reading this and attempting to work it all out. It's cleverly done, it just needs more detail and stronger sentence structures. Describe things! What does Joyce look like? What does Rana look like? What's around them?

And tone down the time jumps, write longer scenes and make it more impacting :)

Also, it's been like a month now, has Drew returned? It wasn't mentioned in this chapter. Is he still missing? 

Nathan is my #1 suspect. Second is Tommy, just because.

Well done! 

Just needs a run through and edits making with your spelling, tenses and a little grammar fixtures, but this sure feels like a great story! Take your time with it :)

Overall Rating: 7/10

Recommended: Yes!