Book Title: The Death of Isabella Hills

Review: Free

Prologue, Chapter 1

Woo! Let's do this, Didi!!! 

Prologue:

Oooh, for your first story you've done brilliantly! It's always so chilling and brave to include a death of a character we don't know right at the start, and it leaves so many questions unanswered.

How did she die? Did someone kill her? Was it suicide or accidental? Who is the main character and how does he play into the rest of the plot?

I'm so interested to find out!

There were a few spelling mistakes, but I pointed them out with in-line comments, there isn't a lot. You've done really well with this scene and capturing an emotional moment, but maybe try to expand it a little more. Like, include more thoughts at the end or detail. Maybe she goes over to her Mum to check her pulse or collapses at her side and rocks on her knees. What's around her mother that she finds suspicious? Such as a tube of pills, a pillow or something that can point towards how she died. 

Just place a little more emotion into it, like the main character might be questioning the reality of what she's witnessing because her mother was alive earlier that day. Give some more reflection into thoughts.

The 'i' narration in your chapter should be a capitalized "I"

I can't wait to find out what happened next or how the plot is going to flow, well done! :)

Chapter 1

I'm so shocked that her mother is still alive! I didn't expect that twist, I thought she was genuinely dead aha I'm wondering why the main character is dreaming that her mother is dead, strange!

And the girl at the swing crept me out! The description "dead eyes" just gave it that eerie chill. Is she a ghost? Is she haunting her? Is the MC going crazy and seeing things? I love how she just calmly said she'll stay even though she just saw some chick staring at her in her lawn. 

I feel so sorry for her that she feels lonely :(! 

One thing I noticed in your story is that you certainly like to change tenses haha some are past, some are present, some are kind of both. Just make sure to stick to one.

Past = said, did, glanced, saw, watched, looked, wore, hated, asked, shouted, was

Present = says, do, glance, see, watch, look, wears, hate, asks, shouts, is

Only use one :)

A few spelling and grammar mistakes, make sure to space some sentences apart, especially with speakers, so that there's a space between them and it's clearer to read. But I know that English isn't your first language and this is your first time writing, so in that respect, Didi, I think you've done amazingly and you can only get better. 

For someone that spends so much of their precious time reading everyone else's books, I hope that everyone repays you for it by checking out this haunting piece of fiction. I LOVE horrors, especially ones with creepy twists, and it's clear to me that you know exactly where to take the plot and how to control it.

I'm so glad you decided to write for yourself, because you shouldn't stop, it's really good and you're ending them on epic cliff hangers already!

For improvements though, take your time with it. Write some more scenery and detail, place some more dialogue in there to show the MC's personality and feelings. I like her relationship with her mum, but make it a little longer. 

And remember to place punctuation at the end of some of your sentences :) 

Keep going like this and you'll have an epic mystery for the world to enjoy. Just keep editing and learning as you go along and you'll get there!

I really want to know who this girl is and what is going on! I'll have to find out :-D

Well done <3 !

Overall Rating: 6/10

Recommended: Yes!