Book Title: Safe

Review: Payment 

Chapter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

Super blunt review. I hope you're ready :D

Note: Thanks so much for being patient :)<3

Chapter 1:

First paragraph there is a mistake, there's this sentence: 

"Her fingers slowly lost grip of the newspaper that she was reading, in attempt to keep herself awake." < that makes no sense. You should either make it clear that she's reading the newspaper to keep herself awake or add something to the end of it like for example:

In an attempt to keep herself awake she jolted her body. 

It doesn't sound right the way you worded it lol. It makes it sound like she's losing grip of the newspaper to try and keep herself awake, which would mean that she's falling asleep cause her fingers are slipping. It's the comma that is misplaced. 

Again, this makes no sense:

"Her eyes surrendered: their laudable efforts were overcome by the laborious day endured by that of Jamie Leigh Evans."

I know what you're trying to say lol, but the way you've worded it makes it sound as though she's tired because of something Jamie did, but she is Jamie, correct? 

It might just be the way I'm reading it, I'm not sure. But this isn't a very clear way to introduce the main character.

The chapter was good grammar and spelling wise, no mistakes that I could see, and the pacing for third person was lovely. It was like watching a scene from a movie, it felt so real and nerve-wrecking. Jamie strikes as me as someone that can get scared or anxious quite easily, so why is she wondering the streets at night on her own anyway? Especially if there's a dangerous gang that she knows is slaughtering people around London. It said she had read a headline from the newspaper hours ago, so she was sat there for hours?

The detail and vocabulary was good, but there were little confusing moments. Like when she sees the brothers in the alley, you just jump straight to "the three brothers surrounded the policemen." But you didn't write that she saw policemen, as you said the. So, if you're introducing the policemen into it there and then it should be:

"The three brothers surrounded two policemen that were walking towards them." < you just need to describe where the policemen are and not as though we already know they were there. If that makes sense lol

The ending also confused me a little bit. She hears bullets firing and then get's knocked out cold? Were the bullets hitting the bin? Did she get shot? How did she get knocked out cold? Like, what does she feel in that moment? A blunt object hits her head? Does she faint? I think the ending could be worked on just a little more with some suspenseful detail.

Overall, I think it's a good start. I love that it's set in England! Woo! I'm wondering why the UK government are allowing terrorists to roam the streets in the open without bringing in the army or MI5 agents. That just seems a little unrealistic to me, as it wouldn't be left to the police to deal with it if they're really that dangerous, and it would be easy to find them. I mean, you only mention four brothers. Is that it? Just four? They don't have any back up? I just don't understand that part. If the media and the public know it's them that's committing all the murders (and it is terrorism) then MI5 would have stepped in and taken them out by now. Four brothers VS an army of secrete service agents and terrorist specialists? :P

This might be cleared up, I usually go deep into something that's confusing me and it's explained in the next chapter so I'll wait and see aha

I love your writing! It's very peaceful and poetic. And just from the chapter I can understand Jamie's character and her tiredness, there's nothing like some gang members spraying bullets at you to wake you up aha

Chapter 2:

Well, I guess that clears up some of my confusion. So, the brothers must have been in hiding for a while then and the night they emerge they get captured ahaha but the fourth is still out there! Ah!

Make sure when the agents introduce themselves you write that they show their badges, it's protocol. 

Also, why is an agent from the FBI there? I'm guessing they left the country, somehow, and someone just couldn't let the case go? MI6 should have all the resources they need, but the brothers would surely be deported back to America to face trial if they're in the country illegally.

This is very strange ahaha I don't know what to make of it.

I found the conversations in the hospital room a little cringy in my own opinion, some of what the agents said didn't feel real or professional. Like when they said, "we know you didn't kill those two men" < how could they know that? How do they know she's not an accomplice? How do they know she wasn't involved? 

Professionally, what they'd do is interview her. They'll ask her questions about the night and listen to what she saw. When she explains what she saw, they'll ask her more questions. Ask her if she recognized the men (even though they know who it is) and ask her if anyone else was there. They'd ask her what happened before they shot the policemen, did she hear words being exchanged? Did she see anything else that was dodgy about the murder? They wouldn't just flat out ask her to testify. What if she was an accomplice and then her testimony might be a lie that get's them off. I know she isn't an accomplice, but she could be.

So there needs to be more detail to that questioning. They can't possibly know she's a witness because she hasn't spoken to the police yet. She's just woken up. 

I think her agreeing to testify is brave, but it's going to land her in witness protection which won't be fun. I like that you're using something different in your plot, like with Liam being a male nurse and I thought him observing her brain scan was cute. 

One thing I noticed was when you wrote "the memories of the night before playing in her mind" < you haven't explained to the character that it's the day after. She hasn't asked what day it is. She could have been unconscious for a few hours or two whole days. How does she know it's the day after?

I love your writing, I think you have brilliant talent, but I'm struggling with your explanations  :(

Chapter 3:

I don't get it. It's like you're writing that the agent is somehow besotted with her after meeting her once, but she hardly spoke to him? For her to have an "impact" on him, then surely you should have written more in the second chapter about Jamie and Chris' conversation/interview? I feel like that "spark" came out of nowhere.

Like, when you write "date,  meeting. . . he meant meeting." <?! Why would he even be questioning it as a date lol? What was so awesome about her rambling about being sorry and arguing with her brother that made him think "I've been lonely for so long but this girl is the one for me." Because that's what you make it sound like. I don't get what she said that made him feel for her in that way, sorry. I just thought it was cringy :(

I also thought Jamie and Liam's "raindrop race" was a cliche conversation filler. "Do you remember that time when we. . ." instant turn off for me aha they just sounded like kids.

Your grammar went down hill in this chapter. Past two chapters it was spot on, but now it's dropping. :( 

When addressing a name in dialogue, always include a comma before the name. Examples:

"Hello, Mary."

"Did you see that, Harry?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Okay, Sir."

"Get some rest, Jamie."

Comma before a name always. 

You need to make it clear whose POV this is in, because I'm lost. I know the top half is Chris' POV, but is the second Jamie's?

You wrote:

Agent Reigner arrived.

and then a couple of sentences later: "Chris took a seat."

How does Jamie know his name is Chris? He hasn't introduced himself as Chris. In Jamie's POV, she wouldn't know that. 

I'm enjoying the plot, I think it's different and interesting. You're building up the suspense nicely and I'm interested in what's going to happen to her and if she is actually going to be safe (probably not aha) 

I can't quite figure out her character yet, at first she struck me as a laid-back, quiet and peaceful person but then she started rambling about her innocence and that made her come across as jumpy and a fast-talker. So I don't know aha from a reader's point of view, I just wanted to imagine her lying softly in the bed and talking slowly.

And then in this chapter it gives the vibe that it's the day after the hospital? I'm not sure how much time has passed, but I know if I had witnessed what I did and was attacked then I definitely wouldn't leave my house for a few days. So that could be cleared up. What has she been doing in that time? Has she been at home just thinking? 

A little more insight into Jamie's thoughts would be nice to read :)

Chapter 4:

So, because this chapter literally skips to them being in another country, I recommend expanding the previous chapter. Give us more conversation between them and Chris, as I assumed the cafe scene would continue in this chapter. You need to give us more information. How long has it been since the shooting? Do they know how long it will be until the trial? Have the brothers been deported back to America? Where are they facing trial? They're now in Washington, that's a mighty long way to go just for a debriefing. You mentioned a flight at the end, where is the flight going?

There's so many questions that I feel should have been answered by now. 

It wasn't a complete surprise that Chris was assigned to be their protector, it was a little predictable, sorry. 

I feel like you have such a strong plot here, but there needs to be more detail and information given to clear up some gaps. It's all happening so fast and it's jumping from chapter to chapter with no stick to hold it in place. 

Where are their parents? Doesn't Liam or Jamie have any other family? Friends? It just seems quite easy for them to leave their lives behind. No goodbyes? No regrets in Jamie's thoughts as to who she isn't saying goodbye to? Is it literally just these siblings that know of each other? 

I'd have liked to see a chapter where maybe there's a family gathering and some are trying to talk her out of it, or maybe just a couple of her friends that disagree with it and she's conflicted with her decision and then she's just deciding on her own what to do in her bedroom or something. In my opinion that would make it more impacting.

I really like Liam and Jamie's relationship. I don't think she's selfish to do it, it's the only way to stop any more murders and get justice. But I can see her point where they'll be giving up their lives and it's just human nature to feel guilty about it. You brought this out well and showed how loyal and realistic he is by not agreeing with her but going along with it anyway.

I just want more in the chapters!!:-)

Chapter 5:

This chapter was better, I enjoyed entering Jamie's thoughts and being given a further glimpse into her closed-off personality which is beginning to slowly open. Backing up what I've said before, I still feel like it's a little rushed and forced. 

I can't tell how old she is? If she's been to university then she's over eighteen but in my mind I'm picturing her as a sixteen-year-old. Some of her dialogue and actions give me the impression of a young, unstable childish character and that's not what I prefer to read. When she's talking to Chris during the plane ride, it feels like her entire emotions are revolved around him and her embarrassing herself in front of him rather than the life-changing situation they're in.

I feel like she's not taking it seriously. I don't know if you intended her character to be that way or if it's just misconstrued wording but it doesn't feel real. Chris sounds like a man and Jamie sounds like a child, it's like a father-daughter thing.

I definitely think the humor adds a nice touch in their conversations, but it can still be humorous in a mature way. I'm not feeling that. 

In the ending of the chapter, Jamie's first concern is the better bedroom. Seriously? If I was under witness protection, had to be taken thousands of miles from my home and my friends and knew there was a chance I was in danger, the better room would be the last thing on my mind. It just sounds like she's on the best holiday ever and enjoying every moment, but that doesn't flow with the plot. The plot is her being safe, right? For that plot to work she has to feel unsafe. But there's no clear nerves in her, there's no anxiety or on edge from her situation. The way I'd like to imagine it is her standing against a window in the room she doesn't care is better and just looking out the window, calmness, slow, taking deep breaths, thinking about how she can be strong enough to do it.

I really like your idea and I think it's creative and different, I just can't connect to her character. However, there are some moments that showcase your talent as an author and are paced brilliantly with the third person narration. It's very difficult to write in third person for the entire of the book, so I praise you for that, I'm still trying to learn it aha 

Chapter 6:

Pretty much just the same things I've said before. Try to make it slower, more mature, and expand on certain situations. 

Like, at the beginning, Jamie and Liam are talking like typical siblings having a banter argument, but as a reader I find it cringy. In my opinion, Liam is bringing nothing to the plot anymore, he just jokes around with her and says typical teenager stuff instead of actually contributing to real conversations. I just want them to sit down and have an adult conversation about the trial and what Jamie will say and how she's really feeling. You're focusing all your energy on forcing Chris and Jamie onto us which is not only exhausting but also unrealistic.

He's an agent. He's known her five minutes and she's suddenly cracked him? He's bringing her gifts and smiling like he's never smiled before, but it's not consistent with his personality. She's cracking him too soon, there's no development there when you're bringing it out so soon. When you read a love story, you don't read them together in every chapter and almost every scene. They're separated so we can know the main character independently and then they're slowly brought back together. 

There's issues with your grammar again, just little mistakes that I've picked up on. Remember not to capitalize "he said" and to put a period at the end of speech marks when the speaker is doing an action.

Overall, I love the plot, I just feel like it should be dragged out a little more and expanded on. This could potentially be an amazing story if you dedicated your time to developing Jamie's character in a mature and realistic way. That comes with time and learning though, but I feel it's really necessary. Even though I like her charisma and her jumpy side, there's just little moments when I imagine a high school kid with an over-active personality, and that only works so far until the character becomes a turn off.

Your vocabulary is impressive, and some of the detail is good, but there could be just a little bit more descriptions added. I learned a few tips from you with third person as I really struggle with it, so thank you for that :-)

You have potential, just keep working and believing! I hope this story turns into a nail-biting page turner one day!

But, for now, it needs works. Sorry :(

Overall Rating: 5/10

Recommended: Yes